We are typically home at night.
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We live out in the country, my dh travels often, and when he is home he does outdoor things with the boys - often on our own acreage or surrounding area. We are not necessarily BOTH home at night on a regular basis, as my dh is gone many nights, but we both do try to follow the same nightly routine.
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Our dc play with each other on our acreage, do a sporting type outing with their uncle on Tues. afternoons (i.e. play basketball, go bowling, play at the park, play baseball, play football, etc.), play with their cousins on Fri. afternoons, and usually on the weekends my dh tries to do something with them that is a more special outing (i.e. prairie dog hunting, deer hunting, fishing in the boat, fishing offshore, 3-wheeler-riding, planting trees or pulling fence for pay for a farmer that is our friend, sledding, etc.). Sunday we all go to church, and every other week we try to eat out for lunch after church somewhere inexpensive. These are our outings, and they are pretty routine.
I wonder if you and your dh could discuss a simple routine he would be willing and able to follow on the evenings you are working? The reason I bring up 'simple' is I have found in years' past that I tended to really draw out bedtime by adding this or that to the evening routine, and this in retrospect did not work out well. Either I was exhausted from my dh being gone many days and nights in a row, or my dh was home exhausted having traveled those many days and nights in a row, and someone was always tense about bedtime going on and on. I think I used bedtime as a time to add extras. Not that this is a bad thing to do, but in our case, it just made our evening routines stressful and long - and certainly the person who was home doing the routine solo didn't feel like adhering to the long routine on their own. So, we have a very simple bedtime routine now. Pick up the house. Go up at 7:30 PM. Brush teeth and pj's. Pray together, each taking a turn. To bed for the little guy, and quiet time doing sit down things in room for the olders til 9:30 PM (any noise, and I just go upstairs and tell them lights out and to bed then, so they are careful to stick to the rules). This simple routine is one my dh sticks to as well, and we can keep it uniform between the two of us.
Perhaps something like this may work for you, but maybe the time would need to fluctuate based on the evening's activities for the dc? Maybe on nights the dc are home, it could be set at 7:30 PM (or whatever time you like), and then you could have a routine that follows that. Trying to keep your part as a parent in the routine to 15-30 minutes is helpful, I think.
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Our part as parents as typically been to go up with them at the set time to make sure they pick up, brush teeth/pj's on, and then we have a short together time to kind of draw it to a close (we have done this with prayer, by reading a short devotional, or by reading a short Bible story from a Bible story book). Your older dc that are 9 yo and 6 yo could have a set time to look at books quietly or play a quiet board game together after your part of the bedtime routine, with the understanding that by 8:30 PM (or whatever time you like), they must turn out the lights and go to bed. The 9 yo could be responsible for watching the time. The other littles could just go to sleep right after your short routine.
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The key thing (at least in our home) has been to have OUR responsibility be done at a certain point, so we have more of a chance to refresh as parents before we start the day all over again tomorrow, especially when one of us has been gone.
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(Of course, the baby stage is different than this, but working toward carving out some time to get our energy back as parents at night is a worthy goal at any stage.
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) On the nights that your dc are gone, if they are getting home later than your typical lights out time, I think you could just immediately do your bedtime routine and have them go straight to bed on those nights.
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If your days offer more chances for routine than your evenings do, that may be the place that you can get into a better rhythm. As far as school is concerned, that is better anyway. Hope something here helps, but I think this is an area we all struggle with and have to be willing to rework and go back to the drawing board some years! Good goals to work through this with dh and make a change by Jan.!
In Christ,
Julie