Confessions of a hovering momma

[LynnH]

I am posting this just in case there are any other moms out there like me that this might help. My ds is 13, most on this board are familiar with him and the fact he has mild CP. This year he is doing Rev to Rev. We have been having some rough days. He has been showing some attitude and disrespect that is not typical for him. We had punished and talked to him about it and things were some better on the surface, but there was still a tension between us. His days were taking forever and he was being negative, but hiding it in a joking tone. Neither one of us were enjoying school like we had in the past.

I spent Monday night really praying about it and felt God really revealing to me what the true issue was. The work load is more challenging in Rev to Rev, more boxes, more writing, science with experiments that are hard for him to do and I realized that I was stressed out about him not being able to do these things. To try and handle this stress I was hovering over him. I was assisting him with the I boxes way more than I usually do. I was even reading the directions to him because I didn't want him to have to redo anything because he gets upset with this and also I guess I feel bad for him because it is hard enough for him to do it the first time. Well during this prayer time God spoke to my spirit telling me to "back off" and let him be independent and if he messes up let him learn from those mistakes. He is 13 and despite his special needs he is growing into a young man that needs to feel he can handle things. I humbly went to my son the next day and told him that I realized I had been trying to help too much and I was sensing that his frustration was because I was micromanaging him and controlling too many things. He very respectfully told me that yes he thought that was an issue. I told him that from now on I will completely turn over the I boxes to him and he can get me if he needs extra hands for say a science experiment or to write something that needs to be written in a small space. I told him just to get me at certain times and I will check over his work. I did tell him that it means he needs to be extra careful following directions and if he doesn't follow them he will have to redo things. I told him I was going to let him figure out how to adapt certain assignments and let him chose if he types on the Ipad or uses voice to text etc. He will have to do this the rest of his life so he might as well start doing that now,instead of me figuring it out for him.

The change in him was instantaneous. All of the sudden he was standing taller with his head way up. He charged right in yesterday and today and has done a great job, with his old positive attitude. He did call me to help with a science lab, but after that he gently said "ok, I'm good now". It is hard for me to not jump in and help especially if I see him struggling with something, but I know I need to do this. So while he is doing his I boxes I make sure to keep myself busy in another room. Today I cleaned out our junk drawer Who knows how much I might get done now. Maybe no one else struggles with helping their dc too much or trying to micromanage them, but if you do maybe this can be of some help to you.

[tiffanieh]

Oh Lynn! What a gem you are! As a mom with a son who also has mild CP I can totally relate! He struggles with the desire to be completely independent, yet ends frustrated when his efforts result in a less than perfect design than his mind imagined. Thank you for sharing your heart and testimony here today. It certainly blessed me and gave me encouragement to follow in your steps!!

[raindrops]

((((Hugs)))))

That was beautiful to read. Your son is a young man..! I loved reading about his returing positive outlook.

[Tansy]

I love your honesty!

Funny we have been having really hard days here with CTC. After much prayer here as well. I actually realized I was expecting to much independence from my 13 year old. Stepping in just a bit more is what she needed. We have had 3 days of school finished before 2pm even with late starts this week. After 6 weeks of dragging days this has been such a relief!

[Heather4Him]

Lynn, I love this! Thanks for sharing. What helps me the most, is that you mentioned praying really hard about it. Sometimes I think I should post something on the boards to ask for help, or just try to "muck along" myself and figure it out, and I forget the most important (and BEST) solution--to pray hard about it FIRST!

[Joyfulmomma]

Lynn,
Thank you for sharing this story. I love reading all your posts. You're an encouragement and blessing as well as a living example of a real mom living for Christ.

[psreit]

Lynn, I know exactly what you are saying. My dd also has mild CP. She is only 9 and we are doing Bigger, so she is not doing independent boxes, and probably won't be for a while. However, I have been trying to find ways to give her things that she can work on without me being right next to her through the whole thing. Sometimes she enjoys doing it herself, but she also ends up frustrated when things don't go right. We have a little way to go, but thanks for the encouragement.

[mrsrandolph]

My son 9 (and in Preparing and DITHOR) has some special learning needs. I have the same problem a you. Much more of Preparing should be independent than I make independent for him because I am afraid he can't handle it. When he gets frustrated, he just breaks down and feels stupid. Think I'll make a "hovering mama" post of my own!! : )

[my3sons]

I too have been a hovering mama in the past and still have to resist the urge to be one today! This was such an encouragement to read. You are such a loving mama to be so in tune to ds and what is going on with him. I have been so thankful for HOD's gentle urging to help our dc grow into maturity by giving them increased independence as they get older. Without those little "I"'s in the corners of some of the boxes, I may have been stuck to my ds's side like glue. This balance of "I", "S", and "T" work has helped my ds and me be able to maintain a closer relationship that is not so volatile with emotions. This age of dc (young teenage age about) is different. I can feel my role needs to change, and it is not always easy as a mama to let go to be able to hang on to our relationship. Mutual respect - it's a tough thing to have. You are doing an incredible job with your ds, LynnH - I loved reading this today and think many moms can relate!!!

In Christ,
Julie

[gotpeace91]

What a great story, Lynn! Thanks for sharing! Those boys sure do like to gain their independence don't they? I just wanted to share with you that my son who is almost 15 has been taking much longer to do school this year with Rev to Rev too. I know that he is not dilly dallying either. It just requires some time to get everything done in Rev to Rev. I have always been so impressed with your son's determination, and your godly example.

[Carrie]

Lynn,

This is such an excellent post! I was a definite hovering mama over my oldest son for too many years. What a difference in his attitude when I decided to step back and let him progress toward becoming a man. This moment has arrived for me with each of my next sons in line so far too.

The test for me to know when I'm hovering is when I find myself standing over my boys waiting and prodding them constantly, or when I take over something that I know they can do themselves simply so it will be done "the way I think it should be done".

This is a fine line for me, because I do have standards for each part of my boys' work, but I need to make sure I'm not micro-managing each step along the way or it can be stifling! Creativity has to be allowed and be accepted, as long as the directions are still being followed within reason. Kiddos also do have to be allowed to flounder at times to learn to problem-solve. This is hard thing for me to allow! I see this as my kiddos are learning to read and follow written directions too.

One of the main things I used to really struggle with was simply allowing my kiddos to do their own readings. If they read their own material, I felt like I might be losing touch with what they were learning and that I would no longer be able to discuss what "I" felt was important in the reading. But then, I discovered something that really changed my mind about this area... I found that my child retained more when he read the material himself, and he took away things that "he" felt were important in the reading. He was making the connections now, and even if they weren't as grand as my ideas, they still were meaningful to him.

With a Charlotte Mason style education, it is so important to know when you reach the moment where you are truly getting in between the child and the text or in between the child and his work. This can occur when the child is reading his/her own directions, reading his own books, completing his own projects, or monitoring his own work time. Each is a step toward independence in learning and toward maturity. Yet, these important steps make learning personal and meaningful for the child.

Blessings,
Carrie

[amarie]

Dear Lynn,

I read your post, it is encouraging, and something I need to be aware of with my kids, too. Thank you!

I also wanted to tell you that my husband has a mild case of cp. When he was a kid, his grandma wouldn't let him help her with things because of his cp (like mowing the grass or carrying things for her). He was fully capable of doing those things, she just told him she'd have someone else do it for her instead. How frustrating that must have been for him, and I wonder how much it hindered his confidence as a young man. My husband is a strong, brilliant man, a pastor, and a wonderful husband and father...and he carries stuff for me and mows the grass now too.

Amy

[Kathleen]

Lynn - You really are an encouragement to me as you post your homeschool mom journey here. I have to say that I am not struggling with hovering over Grant at all. Now, before you give me ANY of the credit for that accomplishment, you have to notice that God blessed me with TWO babies in TWO years! Issue of hovering avoided!! (With Grant at least. I will remember this wisdom when Asa and Quinn get here...) So, if your tempted to hover again, you could always pray for more babies and see what happens.

Kathleen

We're loving Rev2Rev, by the way! So glad to get into the swing of it here!

[LynnH]

Kathleen you gave me a good chuckle this morning. Way too old for more babies, although I may end up homeschooling a friends child at some point.