Started LHFHG and I'm having some behavior problems.

[Tracee]

I've been wanting to start LHFHG with my 5 year old dd, but she has a twin brother that I didn't feel was ready. Well to my surprise, my ds did better than dd. He was attentive and focused. He was very well behaved and seemed to be enjoying it. My dd on the other was not behaving well. I would say that academically she can handle it. I guess we have some training to do.

My dd really wants a lot of my time. I often feel guilty that I'm not giving her what she needs, but I'm almost at a loss as to what to do with her. I thought starting LHFHG would give her some of the time she seems to desire, but she misbehaved the whole time. She is not interested in toys and won't go play in her room by herself. One thing that she does like to do, is pretend that she is writing. She will carry a pad and paper around and pretend to take notes on everything. Maybe it's my fault, because I named her after a journalist in our area. .


I've tried several different things to spend time with her, but she often acts up when I do, and it bugs me. She will beg to do school with me, but when I do, she doesn't want to follow directions. She wants to do things her way. I've started a Little Keepers At Home Club for her, to meet other girls to play with and spend special time with me. I've started doing a Mother-Daughter bible study/tea party with her, but she always acts up. It usually isn't enjoyable for me. She is always asking to help me around the house, but she is 5. There are a limited amount of things she can do. She of course wants to do the things that I don't want her to do. I let her help me cook, by measuring, cracking eggs, etc., but I won't let her stir hot things on the stove. She's already gotten burned a couple of times. Of course, she isn't thankful about the things I let her do, she just complains about the things I don't let her do.

I just don't know what to do with her. I feel guilty that I'm not spending enough time with her, and then I'm mad that she isn't behaving when I do. She is so different from the boys. I want to give her what she needs, but I don't know how.


Thanks,
Tracy

[AmandaNicole]

Hmmm... Have you ever tried a behavior chart? Maybe offering a reward, in our house for every day they do school work cheerfully, and are good listeners and well mannered, they get a sticker and if they get 20 stickers in a month they get to pick a prize out of a box. (I take the happy meals toys and other misc things they acquire and put in there ) You could make it more specific for what she needs to work on.

For an encouraging thought... I read an article once that it take 21 days to acquire a new habit or to change a bad habit. Just remember it will take time for her to adjust to the new schedule. Hang in there!
Mandy

[Mercy]

(((Hugs))) I can soo relate. My daughter is my middle and she is the LAST one to get my attention usually. Mine is not overly wild, but instead will comepletly clam up when *I* am the one telling her what to do. LHFHG has really helped my daughter blossom in so many ways! Im not sure if its possible at all, but maybe uncombining might be a better option? I know it has been a blessing for our family, but mine are spread out more. Either way, it has gotten better as we have just keep trekking along. Once the habit of mom running the show is in place and she understands what is expected it should get better.

[MelInKansas]

Hmmm... my middle daughter, who is almost 5, I have had some similar problems with her. She is a middle of course, and she actually is the one who will demand my attention (my oldest I used to be able to ignore and neglect for long periods of time because she was very self-entertained, but then she would start acting up because of it - of course now that she's in school I do spend more time with her). Though I would say that she is one who will behave very well when she has my one-on-one attention. It sounds like she's a bit strong-willed maybe? My 3rd is this way actually. In trying to help me with things, if she doesn't do what I ask she's done, and if she doesn't get to do what she wants she often will cry and throw a tantrum.

My middle is the one who makes me tear out my hair though because she is soooo very emotional and I am just not as much that way. So I pray for patience with her. Have you read/heard any of the material about the 5 love languages? I have had many breakthroughs with my middle DD because touch is her primary love language, along with time together and closeness. So I hold her on my lap whenever I can, hug and cuddle her, and actually she likes to go run errands with me so if I'm running errands on a Saturday (which does happen regularly) she comes along. Since she's fairly small for her age she sits up in the cart and talks to me. If I'm having any of my kids help me with household tasks, and especially the almost 5YO and the 2YO, they are right with me and if they're not doing what they should be, then they are done. My kids all see working with me as a priviledge that they like to do, so that works for me.

Anyway, it does seem your two issues are related, one that you can't get school done because of misbehavior, and you have problems when your daughter is trying to do things with you and its all around frustrating for you. For me, in this, patience and expectations are key (though I fail time and time again). Just to not have the expectation that it will go smoothly or quickly when the child is helping. Disobedience and wanting to do things and get into things that aren't safe are definitely discipline issues that need to be addressed in her. Do you have consequences that make an impact on her? 4 and 5 is an age of challenging for sure. A two fold approach of trying to discover what will fill her little heart's cup that seems to not be getting filled, along with trying to make sure consistency with discipline is happening, that behaviors that really are heart issues with your DD are being addressed scripturally and with consequences she will understand, prayer, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal her heart to you and to reveal her heart to herself.

I hope you figure something out!

[my3sons]

Some dc - often the oldest or the most independent - don't want to be told what to do. It doesn't matter what they are doing - they just don't want to be told what to do. My oldest ds is this way. It is a blessing - most of the time. I would say that whenever you can give your dd a task with clear parameters, and then leave her to do it her own way, without much hovering, she'll probably love this and be quite successful. This approach has worked well for us with chores, morning routine, and organizational tasks. When it comes to school, it helps for me to point out that this is a part I am supposed to "teach". It is not an independent task, and my ds needs to "let me" teach it. This the plan. This is the way it is meant to go, and by trying to teach himself, he is sabotaging the way it was intended to go. It's hard to explain, but I think he sometimes honestly feels like by me teaching him something, it's like a failure on his part that he couldn't do it on his own. The boxes in HOD labeled "I" Independent, "S" semi-independent, and "T" teacher-directed as dc start PHFHG on up have been HUGELY helpful to me with my precious headstrong oldest ds. I'm not sure if this will be helpful, or if it applies to your dd, but I thought I'd share, as your situation sounds similar to mine with my oldest. Be strong! She'll come around.

In Christ,
Julie

[Carrie]

Tracy,

The ladies have done such a good job of helping you with some ideas. Children can be such a joy and such a responsibility all at the same time. They can wear us out with their quest to be noticed, and with homeschooling going on they are with us 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Or, at least it often feels like it!

As I was reading through your post, I had a few thoughts that may or may not be on target. So, take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. I'm sensing in your post that your little daughter is desiring one-on-one time alone with you without distractions. I have a child like this at home too. While it is so thoughtful of you to do a Keepers at Home study and a Mother-Daughter Bible study, both of these types of situations still leave her vying for your attention among a group of people. In listening to what you're sharing about your daughter, I'm thinking that planning for time for the two of you to be truly alone is the ticket to filling her little cup. With that thought in mind, I'd lean toward having time where you snuggle in her bed in the evening and read to just her and have a little "private talking time". The reading and the talking time could be super short (like 5 min. each). You could get a little devotional for young girls and just read one each evening with her and talk about her day. Or, another thought would be once and awhile to have hot chocolate with her at a coffee shop and just talk.

I know that having her cook with you is one way that you're trying to include her, but if you're anything like me, you're likely preoccupied during cooking and this makes it tough to keep little ones safe in that process. It also gives your daughter time with a mom who is distracted. For this fact, I often keep the little out of the way when I'm cooking and just have them come and help with the baking sometimes (like when I make cookies or muffins). I wouldn't lean toward cooking time as being a one-on-one time with her. It would stress me out too!

As far as school goes, I would try to do as much of it as you can with your daughter anchored on one side of you with your arm around her and your son on the other side with your arm around him. I'd snuggle up with both of them during this time. I'd make sure your daughter's phonics time is one-on-one with her with no interruptions if at all possible. The rest of LHFHG I'd do with one kiddo on one side and one kiddo on the other. For misbehavior at our house, we have the boys stand in the corner with their nose facing the corner. When they're ready to behave they may come out. If they misbehave again, they go right back to the corner. This is something you could easily do while working with both kiddos without disrupting school too much. Our other boys are not allowed to look at the child in the corner and are instead expected to go on about their own school. If the child in the corner ends up in the corner multiple times in a row, we set the timer for the time in the corner to equal one minute for each year in the child's age at the max.

I would also work toward requiring your daughter to have a playtime in her room each day. All kiddos need alone time and need to learn to play alone. For some it is much harder than others, but it is a useful skill (for your sanity too). Put some safe toys in her room, books, a CD player with some CD's, a little table and a chair, and probably paper and pencil or markers (as long as she isn't prone to write on the walls). I'd start by training her to play 15 min. on her own each day. Then, work up to 20 min. and eventually up to 30 min. It can be painful to train a child to do this, but for each time our boys come out of their room during their playtime we add 5 more min. in their room right then. This teaches them to not come out during their scheduled playtime.

Last, I would work toward trying not to feel guilty about your time with your daughter. As a homeschool mom you are likely very busy during the day, but you are present during the day. This fact alone is very much in your favor. I think often as moms we feel we need "quality time" in each and every day with our children, but the fact is in a homeschooling family children get "quantity time" and some of it is "quality time". Time is on your side, and you will see this bear fruit as you travel further down the homeschool path. You have time on your side to train your daughter, time on your side to just be with her, time on your side to be her teacher year after year after year. Guilt is Satan's burden to us, and the Lord wants to make your burden light. Don't let Satan steal your joy! You are working hard to live out God's call on your life. Feel good about that fact tonight.

Blessings,
Carrie

[Tracee]

I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner. We were all sick for a few weeks. I wanted to let you know that I've been praying about the situation, and God is so good. Everyone hit on something that God revealed to me in prayer. My dd's love language is definitely time together, but she does need to learn how to play on her own. I went in and played with her dolls one day, and she joined in. Later that day, she said, " I play with dolls now. You showed me how to play." I also found out that she thought her brothers were going to make fun of her. They weren't making fun of her, but the boy across the street was. She is doing much better now. Also, if there is something that God is showing, I need to ask him for help and obey and just let the guilt go. I'm going to be committed to giving her the time she needs and training her to play on her own. I think if I'm giving her what she needs, then I won't feel guilty about having her play in her room for awhile.

Carrie, thanks for pointing out that time is on my side. That is a good reminder. It's impossible to have "quality time" every minute of the day. It's just not realistic. Also, I think I will take your advice and separate her and her brother for math and phonics.


Thanks again for all your responses : )

Tracy

[my3sons]

Tracee - I'm so glad that you have some ideas in place, and I think that is precious dd now feels she knows how to play with dolls because of your playing with her. Some dc just really want to be sure they "do it right", and are quite sensitive to the thought they may be "doing it wrong" and someone may notice. You have given me a great idea to try with my little Emmett now. I think if I took 10 minutes every now and then and showed him how to play with this or that, he'd probably be more likely to play with those things then too. I naturally did this when I only had Wyatt, but I've depended on my older sons to show Emmett how to play with this or that rather than me. I have noticed the things I have sat down and done with him for a bit he chooses to do independently more often (i.e. puzzles, books, play blender and coffee maker). Thanks for giving me this idea to try!

In Christ,
Julie