serious character help

[MelInKansas]

And sorry, I guess I didn't really address your main highlighted question - how to have the time to do it? Once you have decided on a course and how you want to handle things, i.e. what the ground rules are you want to lay down and what the consequences are for breaking said rules, and what Biblical basis you have for these things as well, especially for your older two you start it off with a little meeting (maybe both you and your husband can be there if possible). Okay children, Mommy and Daddy have been talking and praying and we feel there are really a lot of things going wrong in our family and we need some changes. Things are going to be different, we love you very very much, but some of the things you do are not honoring to God or to us, or to one another. We feel like in order for us to be a happy family and be able to follow the Lord.... etc etc etc.

Lay out the rules, the Biblical ideas in as brief of a format as you can, the consequences and let them know that you will be enforcing these rules and this is very serious. Another idea is to plan some fun activities, crafts, games, maybe even outings but these things are also conditional on behavior and discipline time will supercede these activities. It's good to have the positive they can focus on as well as understanding that there can be negative if their behavior warrants it. Then, it begins. You will obviously have to lay aside other focuses in your life in order to focus yourself on these things. If multiple things are breaking out all at once, children are fighting with one another and not listening to you, all must be sat down and each one dealt with one at a time (probably youngest to oldest in order). The crafts or other activities will also give you opportunities to ask them to help you clean up one thing before we begin the next, to help get ready for meal times, or anything like that. Each of these becoming a learning opportunity as well. This is just a bunch of random ideas I hope any of them could be helpful.

Also, I really need to find those positive outlets for my children's energy. On those days where we stay at home with little out of the ordinary to do, my children's behavior by the evening is often very wild and uncontrolled. I guess I attribute this to them just having pent up energy that needs to get out (hello winter). I work on trying to channel this energy into something at home if I can, or getting out and finding somewhere for them to just run! I am told with little boys this is even worse.

[Robbi]

I can relate to what you are saying here! My dd7 is VERY strong willed (like her mama!) I have a couple of suggestions.
First, has anyone pointed you to Doorposts? They have an IF-THEN chart. Like, IF you do this offense THEN this is the consequence. It also has a scripture to look up that applies.

Second, especially for your littles, I would pick one thing and stick to it. Be very consistent! Down to the same exact spot for the timeout spot. Actually, one thing I read recently (sorry don't remember where) said to have the child STAND not sit in the timeout spot. Tried it w/ my DS, he hated it so I think it was very effective!

We recently read the Berensteins Bears book, Forget Their Manners and in it they came up with The Bear Family Politeness plan. Immediately my kids wanted to make our own politeness plan. So we did!! my point is, get the kids involved, help come up with consequences. Write it down. Then you can say, "oh, you just did ___" let's go see what the chart says to do now!! No surprises!!

And last but never least, pray!! Pray with your kids & confess your wrongdoing etc! Sounds very scary, I know becuz I just did it for the first time this week!!! Told my dd her tone of voice was just like mine & I didn't like either one!! Then we prayed together & have been holding each other accountable.

Praying for you & hope something here helps!

[tnahid]

Now, I am sharing some very personal information here as it does pertain to the situation. My husband & I both grew up in homes with multi-marriages, and mine included alcoholism & physical abuse as well. My birth father left when I was 6 months old and I grew up without a real father. The Lord has blessed us both with leading us to eachother, both of us were baptized as adults- together. We are trying to apply all Biblical principles to our lives & our marriage is great & happy. We do however struggle with having no familial support & myself I have ALWAYS felt i have to earn love & even then I DO NOT FEEL LOVED. This is extremely hard to deal with in a biblical manner & not worldly.
Anyway, there are many reviews about spanking/ the rod/ all that. I do not want to really get into that. My prior belief was that I would not spank (abuse thoughts), and that if we loved our children well (we do) that everything would be great. But that is not the case. I am so not against using the rod- we have before- and just want some help on how to achieve the time to discipline(train throughout the day) as it seems that someone is always disobeying or yelling or being a distraction. I want to reach their hearts in a biblical way. But achieving this is not as easy as it sounds....

ninipelly, Thank you so much for your transparency in sharing these personal parts of your life. You are so wise in understanding that these factors of our past do play a major role in our current parenting. I am so happy for you and your husband that our loving God led you to one another and brought you together for "such a time as this." I can so relate to your past, as I also was brought up in an emotionally (and physically at times) abusive home. There was a lot of anger and rage in my father and suppressed anger in my mother, so needless to say, unholy anger has been a struggle for me for many years. I was the same as you at one point in my life, before I became I parent, I could not IMAGINE that I would ever spank my children. Yet, oh how my Father in heaven has a sense of humor! LOL But seriously, I would first tell you the most important thing to remember is to CRY OUT to God for wisdom, understanding and knowledge in this matter and for each of your children individually. Using the rod takes a great amount of self-control on your part, and it isn't easy at all when you yourself still deal with anger/unforgiveness issues of your past,etc. Our healing journey is crucial to the lives of our children, so we must daily surrender and lay down our lives and wills to God. Take some time to stay very calm no matter how much the child is screaming and crying, etc. Keep your voice level and calm and always reassure with "I love you and I don't want you to go down a sad or evil or bad path in life, so I must correct you when you sin" type of conversation. If you want to know more details, just pm me on that and I can share more. We ALL have varying views on disciplining our children, but I have pretty much found what works for us, if I am consistent with it. I would be glad to talk more in depth with you.

Also, one thing I want to stress is forming a strong attachment/bond with your children. I am learning that this is extremely important in how the children will respond to correction or not. A great book I am reading is called "Hold On To Your Kids." It isn't a "Christian" book per se, because he does talk about evolution and there is no mention of Jesus, etc, but I believe the book has some truly wise and biblical insights in it that have helped me tremendously with my children. It is similar to having the child's heart concept. I would recommend you getting this book as well. Most often, growing up in an abusive home didn't lend itself well to being properly and healthily attached to your parents, so in turn, we as adults may have a hard time attaching as well to our children in certain ways. Sometimes, there is a tendency for me to withdraw from my child who has disappointed me, or to conversely lash out in anger toward them. These are both unhealthy and don't foster the bond/attachment with my childen. Another book I recommend that I am currently reading is "The Mom Factor" by Cloud and Townsend. This book is helping me with an awareness of the relationship I had with my own mother and how that affects my parenting in the present toward my children. Cloud and Townsend are Christian counselors and their books are EXCELLENT. I recommend them highly.

So as you can see, this journey is as much about OUR OWN sanctification in Christ as it is for our children. Especially when we have come from an unbelieving or hypocritical or religious or abusive background, homelife, it is imperative that we do all we can to not pass down these "generational curses" to our own children. Through healing, self-reflection, prayer, and gaining knowledge we proclaim "the buck stops here!" We speak by faith that our children will NOT deal with the same issues that we did as children. And this means us laying down our own ways and having our minds renewed in God's Word daily, crucifying the flesh daily. It is a moment by moment decision to walk in His light and not in our own ways. Sometimes, the LAST thing I want to do is to have to stop our daily lessons and take time to discipline a child. It takes SO MUCH out of me and is draining, but I feel that if I truly LOVE my child, then I will give him/her what is best for them NOW while they are still younger, than to wait when they are old and it's too late. If I had been more disciplined in a godly, loving manner as a child, without the guilt, condemnation, shame and anger attached with it, I believe I would have been a different person growing up. I don't BLAME my parents at all, I love and bless them. They didn't know any better, and I truly believe that. But WE do know, and are now responsible for that knowledge. God's Word has all that we need for life and godliness. Our True Father is our Heavenly Father and our truest family is the family of believers.

Okay, I am preaching now, but I feel the Spirit leading me to tell you all of this. I bless you and encourage you, as I encourage myself. Continue to fight the good fight of faith! Do not grow weary in doing good, because at the proper time, you will reap a harvest, if you do not give up! You are on your way and are doing a wonderful job. Let us not get our own identity TOO wrapped up in our children's behaviors. It is SO easy to do. I do it OFTEN. But we must remember that they also are SEPARATE human beings and have free will as well. They are sinners who need correction and grace continually, just as we all do.

Love you today,

[tnahid]

P.S. One more thought for you, my sister. I hear in my spirit, "Put it all to the side for now." I would encourage you to lay aside everything except the very basics of academics right now. I would possibly have them do math, reading (DITHOR) and LA for a while, and I would FOCUS on character/discipline issues. Oh, and also include daily Bible lesson from HOD. I would just not put a focus on academics until you have established more order in your home. It will be too MUCH to try to push academics and discipline/character issues all at once, too overwhelming. When peace is more established again you can add those back. OR you could lay aside the basics and just do the read-alouds and history etc, from HOD.Do one or the other but not ALL for a while. Focus on yourself seeking God's wisdom and getting the discipline/attachment/character issues more in order. They are FARRRRRRRR more important, IMO. Bless you!