OT - Update with changes, confession, and request for advice

[Heidi in AK]

Hi all,

So as those on the boards know, we have been doing LHFHG with my DD5 for about a month. We had started earlier, so we're on Unit 6, Day 2 tomorrow.

I had joined a co-op, which was doing science, geography, and art, at the beginning of September, but with a 5yo and a 2.5yo, I found really quickly that it was not working. We had additional prep that was squeezing out HOD time, duplicate lessons, which wore out DD in particular, and dedicated teaching at the co-op, for which I had to prep. I hadn't really wanted to drop the co-op, because, stressful as it was, I enjoyed the interaction with the other moms, and DH and I felt that DD, who is difficult (and I do mean that in love), would need the socialization.

However, after a particularly difficult morning on November 4, with a guest speaker who spoke for 1.5 hours, trains close by that DS couldn't play with, and a knowledge that, after some difficult interchanges with us and others, that DD needed dedicated training time in character and habits, we discussed dropping the co-op. The leader gave us the window to exit through, and we did. I had my first non-Friday co-op this week. Not only did we make it through an entire unit in a week, but also we just had a relaxing day.

I think I'll be doing 4-day weeks with DD, rather than a unit every two weeks. The added day due to not doing co-op is going to propel our homeschool forward. DD has been wanting to do an entire unit in a week for a while, and I agreed with DH to do 4 days a week instead.

Now, for the confession first. I am an unapologetic extrovert. I love time with other people, and the confession part is that I've sometimes foregone our ideal schedule to do something with people in the morning. I've now decided our social time is going to have to be after 3. We still do naps, and we enjoy cuddle time and reading/free play after school is over, usually by 10.

The request for assistance/advice/encouragement/prayer is that DD5 has a VERY strong personality. She often still responds to negative situations by throwing a fit, which, quite honestly, drives me crazy. She can be ugly to others, and this past week, it happened when a friend was watching her. I guess I'm still a bit embarassed/angry at my DD, which I know is wrong. She lied to my friend, was stubborn to her, and provoked her daughter. For us, she can put her foot down to us and even after reciting Ephesians 6:1 (LHFHG Unit 2 memory verse), she will be ugly to us and tell us we're mean, bad, unloving, etc. We don't relent, but I am tired of her behavior. I screamed at her on the way to church because she was screaming at my son, and my loving husband pointed out that perhaps she learned her behavior from me. ME? Oh no! I definitely have responded to her by screaming before, or at least a loud yell.

I can tell we need some character training, and we've read Shepherding a Child's Heart, as well as Don't Make Me Count to Three! by Ginger Plowman. We've also read The Strong-Willed Child by Dobson. HELP! RIght now the only "toys" in her room are books. DH removed her other toys after DD threw a fit at said friend's house when I told her she couldn't have lunch at home because my friend served her lunch, which she snubbed her nose at, telling my friend she wasn't hungry, but proclaiming to me not 15 minutes later that she was "starving."

In the back of my head is the fact that at any time DH could leave for extended periods of time, leaving me all alone with the kids. I don't feel like I have the patience to be kind to them, or, more specifically, her.

[HollyS]

My oldest is very strong willed...I guess they all are to some extent, but she's been a struggle. I remember ages 4-6 being very difficult. At that age, my older two were very prone to temper tantrums and could burst into tears at the drop of a pin. Now my 3rd DC is about to turn five and very prone to crying. With my experiences, I have to assume it's a developmental stage. I'm not saying it's okay to ignore, but I do try to give them time to cry or a cool down period if they need it. Then when they've calmed down, we talk about what they did and any consequences from it. My oldest is now 9 and still has her moments, but they are fewer and father between. She also has wonderful moments of being a great helper to her siblings and me! My advice is to hang in there...and take a cool down moment for you to if you need it (I often do)!

Another suggestion...are there any other activities you could do? We've done community sports and gymnastics in the evenings. It's been really great for our family, but doesn't take near as much work as a co-op and the hours are much more flexible.

[Heidi in AK]

Holly, thanks for your encouragement. We do have a couple of nighttime activities alredy, and found one playgroup that meets Fridays. They have activities for both age groups, more of a playtime. We'll go Friday to a potluck after HOD time is over.

[Mercy]

Heidi,
I just want to give you a (((hug!)) I know it took a lot to post your struggles. Each of my children have their "good" sides and their "bad" sides. (As, I guess we all do!) But it really helps when I "think on what is lovely" about them and pray in faith for what is not. Recently I posted about my struggles w my oldest ds. What rubs me the most are those qualities that I see myself struggling with...if I am looking too much at MY OWN problems, and not on Jesus...who works all things for good to those that love Him and are called to His purpose......my HOPE for all of us is gone. Thank God He gave this revelation to me lately, because I was starting to be a real downer! Lol! None of us is perfect, no not one, but Thank God, if we confess our sins He is faithful to forgive!! Someone recently gave me this scripture I have been meditating on: 1 Samuel 12:23- Moreover as for me, God forbid that I should sin against the Lord in ceasing to pray for you, but I will teach youthe good and the right way. Here is another one another person recently gave me: Prov 23:26- My son, give me your heart and let your eyes observe my ways. Both of these scriptures have helped me see what *I* need to do vs focusing on the problems before me. Thank God for His amazing love toward us!!!

Hope something here helps.
Mercy

[MelInKansas]

Heidi,

I can relate to your situation with your daughter in some ways. I definitely see my own worst traits coming out in them, and I definitely respond in anger, yell, even belittle my children sometimes when I am angry. I see them doing this to one another more than they do it back to me, but still, it is so shameful to me that I have modeled that for them instead of modeling Christ's humility, gentleness, and self-control.

I am probably the most strong-willed person in my house so I just absolutely do not tolerate defiance, talking back, insults, etc, toward me or toward their sisters (of course their father does not either, but I can't even remember a time when they have done that to him). If I was told that my children had that kind of behavior at someone else's house there would definitely be harsh consequences for that!!! Sometimes I have to honestly confess that this is due to my own pride as much as a desire for my children to learn godliness. Sigh. I think my situation is different because I know my first two are not very strong-willed. My 3rd is more so, and I think there will be more struggles with her as time goes on. Right now her favorite thing to do is "play deaf" when I am telling her to do something. I know this is defiance because as soon as I move to discipline her she immediately starts doing what I had been asking her to do.

But I wanted to encourage you that in my areas of weakness, especially yelling, I have had to seek the Lord for a long time in order to see any growth in that area. And even though my children are told not to yell, and are disciplined if they do so, I definitely see that when God has enabled me to be gentle to them (while still being firm and making sure that rules are followed and discipline is given) I have seen great fruit in that in their lives and in their behavior. And in our hearts for one another. God truly is faithful, and I pray He would not allow the sins of these parents to be multiplied onto our children (I definitely see how my current struggles are partially related to how I was raised, not that that gives me an excuse, just a struggle that I must bring to the Lord!)

It sounds like you do discipline your daughter, and that you have some good insights into her character and are working on it. It takes time, prayer, persistence, and consistency and it will get better. She will learn, although unfortunately as they get older (before they know the Lord anyway) they just figure out other ways to try to get their own way that can be even more infuriating. Oh I remember too, when my oldest was about your DDs age the thing I realized was that her heart would not be changed without the Lord. So my prayers and even my discussions with her became more focussed around Jesus and repentance, and I am so thankful to say that while we were in the middle of LHFHG sometime (shortly after she turned 6) she made a profession of faith and since that time I have seen the Holy Spirit working in her life to change her heart, convict her of sin, and make her heart more like His. Praise the Lord, only He can do such a powerful work (though it is a long and slow process of course, but it is amazing to see the evidence of a regenerated heart within one of your own children).

[tjneary99]

Heidi,
I, too, can relate. My daughter, the oldest, now nearly 10, has been strong-willed since the beginning. She used to throw the most awful tantrums...I recall age 4/5 being particularly hard. We spent a lot of time in prayer and praying over her. I read every book out there. I found that spanking her for every act of disobedience was not good--she was so strong willed she would have been spanked all day. Some may disagree, I am just sharing our story. We did spank for some things, but not as much as some books recommended--we did not want to break her spirit, just her will--we started off carefully. We did what the Tripp book said and worked very hard on her heart and resisted our own anger. When we calmly spoke with her gently in love and talked with her about things as the book said, things began to get better--but it took time. If we allowed our anger to enter the equation--everything fell apart(makes sense since the Bible tells us that).I also prayed for my own heart and for the Lord to show me what needed changing in me--and He did(sometimes it was a painful reality, but the Lord is gracious and loving). As I prayed for my daughter, my heart softened for her also. I do not know your child, but the Lord does, and He is faithful to lead you as you seek wisdom from Him. What is your daughter's personality like otherwise? I realized that my daughter needed better boundaries, less activity and less stimulating environments(Oh and very little sugar--sugar makes her very hyper). My daughter is extremely detail oriented, noticing every little thing in a room, about a person, etc..and remembering everything people say..she is very affected by people's emotions, and most of all she needs clear boundaries defined for her...looking back I realized the environments I had her in were overwhelming to her and so she reacted--she got irritable, spastic, etc...Thus, I did not place her in environments she could naturally succeed in at her maturity and age level(at least not for very long). She is also extroverted, but I have found that if I did not remove her from a situation(even still now), that she could not bring herself back down and be calm--instead she would get manic and lose all self control (instead of getting tired like I expected). My second child is much better at setting boundaries for himself--"Mom, I want to go to bed now" or "Mom I do not want to play here anymore"etc... My third is like his sister--we must cut him off to help him. So over the years the Lord has helped me better understand my children so I can help them--sometimes it means we do not do certain activities or go hang out with certain people too late etc...(sometimes it means we, as parents, have to forsake what we want to do too because we know the kids cannot handle it). The book the Highly Sensitive Child helped me see her and myself more clearly also. I realized that I am sensitive to certain things too--large crowds, lots of noise, emotional places--I shut down. It sounds as though you already see some things personality-wise in you and her to take into account. With my strong-willed one, I have found that those differences get magnified much faster and easier than in my more compliant child. I pray the Lord give you wisdom and comfort as you seek His will and work with your little girl. In the end, the Lord helped us all the way, and He will help you and your family also. Blessings, Jen

[Heidi in AK]

Thanks, Mercy, Melissa, and Jen. I do often succumb to anger; my DH is the more rational one. I really need prayer in this area. I hadn't heard of "The Highly Sensitive Child," so thanks for that.

[KristinBeth]

Oh my dear Heidi, I feel ya. You know I do! Though the outbursts may look a little different, we are going through it too. I think less craziness, more time with the family for character training will help. I'm working on my own character training over here, and it's helping little by little (and I mean little) with dd5. Here's what I've been gobbling up lately Homeschooling With A Meek and Quiet Spirit and Keeping Our Children's Hearts by Teri Maxwell, She's Gonna Blow! by Julie Ann Barnhill and Parenting With Love and Logic . I'll be praying for you!

[Heidi in AK]

Aw, Kristin! Thanks! I really enjoyed the "She's Gonna Blow!" book. All the other ones are foreign (including the meek and quiet spirit, period ) so I will have to make that my reading for the spring!

[MelInKansas]

yeah, this has given me some good reading ideas! Thanks!