A new challenge - disinterested and distracted 12yo

[deltagal]

My 12 yo son who has always been very conscientious about his work is not engaged this year. He recently shared with me that he's just not interested in doing school work right now. However, I still expect him to get his work done. When we have our time together it seems like his mind is a million miles away. And he drums incessantly. I have to constantly bring him back to what we're doing and remind him to STOP drumming. I recently began the rule that what he doesn't finish in the week he has to finish on Saturday and it seems to have motivated him a little, but he's definitely just going through the motions. And as of this week I take away privileges if he starts drumming while I'm talking to him. He's going through an exponential growth spurt at present, so I know his body is a little weary from this. But any suggestions on what/how I can help him?

[Tansy]

My 12 yo son who has always been very conscientious about his work is not engaged this year. He recently shared with me that he's just not interested in doing school work right now.

I see this as a grand opportunity to make his life more interesting. I would take a page from consequential parenting/quiet parenting. NO nagging, etc...

If he has outside activities that you drive him to... tell him "Your just not interested in doing _____________ right now, and your not going to be bothered. It's just to hard for Mommy to __________. In fact you can become uninterested in his laundry, his dinner, lunch, etc.

It's a slower process of engaging him but it builds character, and you do get Buy-in eventually. The consequences of his action are real, if he just was uninterested in work he would stop getting paid.

[pjdobro]

Tansy, I love your thinking! Just the other day I was telling my dc how I'm tired of doing the day to day things like laundry, etc. and told them I thought I would just quit. They were horrified to hear me say that! I was just kidding and reassured them that I would continue to do my job. I probably shouldn't have said that but it was a weak, tired moment. Maybe in the future though it will help them remember to hang in there and do what needs to be done even when you don't feel like it.

Florence, I think what you are describing is normal for his age. It sounds like he is going through puberty and with those changing hormones come mind wanderings, etc. I know my dh has told me how difficult that time was in his life. I try to remember what it was like to be pregnant and how scatterbrained I felt at times. Those raging hormones reek havoc on our systems. I'm not for sure how to help him. One thought that comes to mind is the Boyhood and Beyond study that is done in RTR. I think that talks a lot about building character and doing the right things. That's the route I'm trying to take with my dd as she is entering puberty. I want to help her understand how to become a woman of good character and temperament even when the hormones are making her feel just the opposite. It isn't easy to work through those feelings and do the right thing. We need to train ourselves to do the right thing and constantly look to God for the strength to make it happen. I often find myself falling short so I'm hoping the Beautiful Girlhood study with my dd will help me too. I pray you can find the right way to help your ds through this.

[deltagal]

Tansy and pjboro,

Thank you both for your responses. Tansy I use that line of thinking with my oldest and its quite effective, but with my 12 yo he has no outside activities. And he's not allowed to pursue his interests at home until he does his school work. Pjboro we're half way through boyhood and beyond, so we're on that path.

I feel like I'm seeing some progress this week. He has accomplished more than usual. My husband is having daily conferences with him to spur him on and my son and I had a big heart to heart last weekend. I continue to be stunned by how puberty seems to disorient children. My 12 yo was rock solid, focused, dependable on the ball until sometime this summer and he exploded growth wise into this big 6-foot man with whiskers and one scrambled brain. When my oldest was this age he slept all the time. He literally would fall asleep mid-conversation. It was baffling. One day at church he was sitting talking to some friends and the next thing I knew he had fallen over...asleep.

[Mercy]

You totally discribed my son! Right down to the drumming!! Just this morning I think I said, "stop drumming and pay attention" a hundred times. Lol! I like the idea of having consequences for it. I have been known to slap his hand occasionally, just to "shock" him out of it. He always says he is sorry, but two sec later...he is all into it again!

I know Julie also mentioned her son is going through changes, she will prob. chime in too.

[water2wine]

Florence you have gotten very good advice. I will only add this. Throw yourself to your knees and pray that you will survive the next couple of years.

I do a consequence thing. They waste my time I take it back in letting them help me with my chores. And I sell it just like that. I have this time to teach. I need you to be engaged and if a bad attitude interferes with that and my time essentially gets taken from me I will get it back in help around the house. There will be much gnashing of teeth but if it is just a little attitude thing and not deeper issues that usually works really well. On the other hand I do have one that has more focus and wiggly issues. I try to go in smaller chunks for that one and give them ways in between to sort of regain their focus. Just a detraction to something else for a bit or some jumping around to get it out for a while outside with the intent we will come back to school and that does help her.

If all else fails revert to my initial advice.

[lharris]

Tansy and pjboro,

Thank you both for your responses. Tansy I use that line of thinking with my oldest and its quite effective, but with my 12 yo he has no outside activities. And he's not allowed to pursue his interests at home until he does his school work.

Hi ladies,
I feel your pain. I'm not there yet with my youngest son. My caution is to be very alert for signs of depression. It is not always a good thing to take away too many of his passions and interests when he is misbehaving. My concern is that his interests is what will keep him going through this difficult harmone spell. You mentioned he's not interested in outside activities, this may need some help from you. You may have to help him get beyond his comfort zone and make him get involved in something. You may have to put your foot down and force him to do something fun! Try to find something that he wants to do and then press the issue. Cub scouts, youth activities, soccer, basketball or even bowling -- just something. Remember young boys and growing men need lots of activities that will be an outlet for their natural aggression. If you don't allow them to have that or if they have a disinterest in it, it sometimes manifests into depression episodes in men. My experience is not so much in raging harmones but symptoms of depression. Much love, and let us know how your precious young man is doing!

[tnahid]

This is all great advice! I would just add maybe to ask him what he is passionate about, what makes him excited? Maybe let him guide his own studies for a little while, going to the library and letting him check out movies and books on various things. Maybe he is experiencing some burnout, just like us moms go through. It sounds like with all the drumming that something else could be on his mind, he is pre-occupied with something. Just keep the lines of communication really open and let him know he can always come and talk to you. If the drumming is not a new thing, he may just be hyper or something. Try giving him something like a stress ball or Thinking Putty to play with while you do your lesson time together.

I agree that encouraging an outside activity for him would be a good thing. Encourage activity with a sport or martial arts or something like that. Even bike-riding, etc. Maybe go on an interesting field trip and do something you haven't done before. Ask him where he would like to go or what he would like to learn more about. HOD will be there to come back to, but it sounds like that it is possible he simply needs a break for a while.

Just some thoughts for u!

[deltagal]

Thank you all for your continued input. I feel confident that this 12 yo is not depressed. His challenge is that his passions are not currently found in his academics. What are his passions? Drumming (seriously), fishing, canoeing, hiking, mandarin chinese and following college football. All of which he can pursue from home. Yay! He pursues them all with avengance, which is why I've chosen to restrict his pursuits each day until he finishes his academic work. He's always been a sort of quiet keep to himself kind of guy. I think in part, because he gets really into the things he likes, much moreso than his peers. Restricting his activity does seem to be working. He is making steady progress in this department. Although he's still a bit SLOW to get started in the A.M., he's staying on task, especially in the academically challenging areas - math and writing. I am somewhat pondering cutting back his academic load a 1/2 hour or so. What he does do he does REALLY WELL. I just can't decide what/how to cut back. He does do extensions and dithor. The extensions and DITHOR are the more enjoyable aspects of his work load currently.

[lmercon]

Is there any reason that he has to stop his drumming other than it bothers you? I ask this because boys and men are very different than girls and women in this area. I went to a seminar featuring Andrew Pudewa (sp?), and he talked all about how to really reach boys. For quite a long while during his talk he was tapping lightly on the podium. It was absolutely driving me nuts! After a while out of the blue, he asked if anyone was bothered by it. Every woman's hand shot up in the room! The men in the room didn't know what he was talking about. He said that tapping, drumming, etc can actually HELP a boy to focus, but most teachers, being female, instantly stop them from doing it. They can have heightened stress if they are forced to be still. Dyslexics can really be this way. There is so much for us to learn about how best to reach boys! Anyway, maybe allow him to do it, but require it to be done within some acceptable parameters that you can both live with. If you make a few concessions like that, he may be more relaxed and able to focus on what you are having him do.
hth,
Laura

[Carrie]

Florence,

There is much wisdom already in this thread! I am continually amazed at how heartfelt and Christ-centered the ladies on this board are in their advice! What a blessing!

A few thoughts I had that may or may not help, but I thought I'd just share them for you to ponder. I, too, am always taken off-gaurd by the onslaught of emotions that come with puberty for boys. Having all sisters I expected it with girls, but with my boys it continues to surprise me!

One thing that may help would be to allow your son to work away from the rest of the family in a quiet place. We did this with my oldest son when he turned this age by sending him upstairs to my room with a timer and a task. The part he loved was being able to sprawl out on my bed and get comfy while doing his work unsupervised. He loved the quiet, and if he made noises or drumming (which my boys all love to do), I wasn't bothered by it. I also set the timer downstairs in our kitchen to match the timer my son took upstairs. In this way, I was aware when the timer upstairs rang. If he didn't appear within 3-5 min. of the timer ringing, I called for him to come show me what he had accomplished. If he hadn't accomplished much, we set what he was working on, aside and he returned to work downstairs near me again with the next subject. My oldest son quickly learned that being alone in a quiet place to work was a reward that came when he exhibited maturity, hard work, and self-monitoring when he was not in my sight. I had him work in my room, so he wasn't tempted by all of this things in his own room, or one of our other boys rooms. He knew he was not to be going through my things, but rather it was a place to work.

My oldest son now works in his own room, as a sophomore, and loves that equally as well. He has formed the habit of not getting off task, but he practiced for years in my room first. As my next one is 12 turning 13 this year, and my room is now free, we will try my next son upstairs a bit (same drill) and see how he does.

I don't have my olders do all their subject upstairs, I actually move my kiddos about from room to room pretty often, just to keep them up and moving. So, the boys typically only do 1 or 2 subjects in a row in one place (unless the subjects are short). They stay fresher for me if required to move around the house as they learn. This is why I actually schedule who is in what room for every subject! In this way, we use much of our home and get out of "the sit in a desk or at the table to do all work" mentality.

Last, I'll mention that I think you are so wise to get your husband involved! As our boys are striving to become men, it is helpful for the father to get involved and show his son the value of work. When we set aside work at our house, we do have dad oversee that in the evening. It has gotten to the point where we never have any work set aside anymore. However, here comes puberty, so we'll see. We do strive to give grace as much as possible, if the child has stumbled over a hard part of an assignment or has taken a long time to produce beautiful work. In those cases we don't set the work aside, but rather jump in and help the child get caught up, partnering with him in every way so he can successfully finish on time. We only set aside work for outright continual dawdling.

Blessings,
Carrie