disrespect...need consequence ideas

[ninipelley]

I love the help on these boards...

My dd 8 1/2 yrs- has serious disrespect issues. She is in the middle of Bigger & I know she is ready for Preparing but she just doesn't want to apply herself. She throws her body around, making faces and groans in school. (a sort of fit throwing). When I am actually teaching her, she interrupts, saying "I know". (when she doesn't) and is VERY literal. So literal she sucks me in arguing about something that means nothing. She is melancholy, anxious, perfectionist and complaining all the time.
I started an "OH NO" jar with consequences in it to draw from (today she had to clean out 2 of the refrigerator drawers). Yesterday she had to stop and write "I need Gods help to respect my mother" 10 times. She wastes time and is very argumentative.
What is the deal?
She has always done this and it is intolerable as i have limited quiet time to teach her. She is the oldest.
Now I have also started hs my 6yr for K this year. He is doing very well so far, but he does the WHINING and body throwing as well. Sessions with him are very short and after the initial complaining from him we do very well. However, this is still disrespect and not tolerable for me either.
Any ideas ladies? I wanted to enjoy hs my kids and this is not enjoyable.
They are setting a bad example for the littles here too.

[Cherylanne]

I have a somewhat similar problem but not as "severe" as what you are describing. My youngest is 9 and definitely has the strong personality and he will push to a certain point but he knows where my limits are and how "severe" his punishment can be if he does push too far:) I don't know your situation but he doesn't want to have to go to the principal's office when Dad gets home either. He struggles academically so I know that is part of it too. I have to stay on top of him most of the school day for him to stay focused and get his work done. For him, he needs real motivation. The boys set up their tent outside last weekend and love "camping out" in it. He was not doing well yesterday so he didn't get to sleep in the tent last night. But today he wasn't perfect, but much better. He just asked a few minutes ago if he could sleep in the tent and I said yes because he did much better today. Now I just have to figure out what it will be when the weather gets too cold to sleep outside!

I find is the most difficult thing in being a good parent is being consistent.

[alydar]

I'll be watching this thread with much interest. My oldest DS is 7 and can be quite difficult to work with. He does ALOT of moving around (body rolling, flopping, upside-down antics , etc.) and generally tuning me out and not paying attention. I have to constantly stay on his case to keep him somewhat focused on the task at hand. It makes for a not-so-enjoyable experience if I must be truthful.

He reminds me constantly that he dislikes school, dislikes the lessons, dislikes the work, etc. I'll stop in the middle of reading and ask if he's listening to which I get, "I'm listening!" but he can't tell me a THING about what I literally just read. He gets stubborn and unwilling and demanding and whiney....yeah, we have our issues, too. And I totally understand having limited quiet, one-on-one time. That just ups the frustration.

But I took some earlier advice from Carrie (thank you!! ) and when his attitude goes south or he shows disrespect he ends up with his nose planted in the corner until he can have a right attitude. He has gotten quite familiar with the corner of my bedroom unfortunately. But I'm hoping this is just a process and that soon the benefit will be reaped. Actually, it does seem to have made an impression on him. Perhaps, now that I really think about it, he isn't quite so disagreeable like he was but we still have a ways to go. LOTS of prayer, girl!

But I only do this for a rotten attitude - not the wigglies. I haven't yet figured that one out yet. He is very kinesthetic so I do allow him to stand at the desk to do his math or written work if he chooses (we even did math on my bed today and that seemed to delight him). When he reads his Beginner's Bible he is in constant motion. For that I've just learned to let it go. He's reading. And doing well. I'll keep my mouth shut on that one.

But yeah, I'll be watching this thread to see what all the wonderful ladies have to offer.

[mom23]

We have been disciplining for attitude issues/whining at our house-seems like forever! This has always been my thinking, too-if I just knew the right consequence we'd fix the problem and move on with our lives! Last week it dawned on me that they don't really see any reason not to do it. Sure, they get a spanking, or some other consequence, but that lasts such a short time compared to the immense pleasure of whining all day . My hubby and I talked it through and we spent a day last week covering this topic. DH is a pastor, so he took lunch time to talk them through his sermon material for that week (Paul and Silas singing in prison) and pointed out that if anyone had reason to whine and complain, they did, but they chose not to. That night the kids and I sat down and made a list: reasons to whine and reasons not to. I was pretty impressed with their insights on this. Their reason-yes only 1 that they could come up with-TO is: I'm not getting what I want and I'm not happy with that. We filled an entire 11" column on NOT TO: things they came up with like: you can't praise God when you're whining, it makes me look foolish, it's not fun for others to be around me when I act like that, I get in worse trouble...etc. Then we talked about other ways to express that you are not happy, but that it's important to obey respectfully. When the whine has come back since then I have the kids go read the list (posted on the fridge) and tell me if they made the right choice. Now that we've had a few days of that, we're spanking along with reading that list. After the spanking I give them a few minutes alone in their room and tell them to come out when they're ready to try their best on math, etc. Did it make us a whine-free house? No, not yet, but a Mom can wish . It's really become too much a habit for it to disappear in a week's time; but it did open their eyes to their behavior and it has helped them to internalize things and make it more a heart issue than just strictly me correcting behavior.

Oh, my kids are maybe older than yours-9,7, and 4. The 4 yr. old didn't get much from it, mostly for the 7 and 9 yr. olds.

[my3sons]

Mom23 has some excellent ideas here! Very wise counsel, and definitely some good things to try. I think I'd pray about it first with dh. Then, I'd do some homework. When is it really happening? Maybe have your school schedule in hand and jot notes in the margin about when it seems to occur. You may find a pattern that could help. Next, I'd make a specific plan of what to do when it happens. Giving immediate, consistent, and appropriate consequences is what kicks a bad habit to the curb and replaces it with a good habit. So, what does your ds enjoy? This knowledge can really help. Things can be taken away as a consequence, and rewards can be given for good behavior. I have found for the really tough bad habits, it helps to give them a dual approach - give a consequence for bad behavior and a reward for good. So, for example, for our chore chart, dc earn 25 cents a day they can spend on anything they want for completing it all, and they have computer time taken away for not completing it all. We have virtually no problems with chores being done well each day now.

No matter what, this behavior is not acceptable. It is not okay to pitch a fit for what is a very doable expectation. I think dc really can be quite naturally lazy and selfish - I know my parents worked with me a lot to teach me to work hard and be less selfish. Also, a cheerful attitude must be chosen. Most days are not naturally full of perfection and total bliss, so choosing a cheerful attitude is something we need to learn to do, both as adults and as dc. When my dc are having a poor attitude, I start with checking mine. Sometimes mine has been cheerful, and sometimes mine has been somewhat like theirs. So, when I find this, I admit it, and we pray together about it. We have much joy in knowing our Lord, so that is enough to choose joy each day, no matter what it happening around us. I am trying to model that as best I can, though I am by no means always able to do it. So, simply doing an attitude check and following it up with prayer is important for our family.

A quick effective consequence for our dc is a timeout in a corner of the room I am in. If 2 dc are struggling, than 2 different corners are used. If they are giggling in the corner, than an immediate (worse) consequence is given, i.e. take away computer time, take away a snack, go to bed early, or give a spank (if that is something dh and you have come to an agreement about, as opinions vary). There can be no returning to school without the right attitude at our house. So, if dc come back and giggle again, or come back with poor attitudes, then it's back to time out. If school takes all day and much of it is spent in the corner, then so be it. They will get tired of time out. They will get tired of lost privileges. I would strive to give all consequences calmly, as sometimes the giggling comes if dc can make mom "lose it". I'd also separate dc if need be. This is the time to spend some real time cracking down on behavior, as your younger dc will do as they see their older sibling doing. I hope something here helps!

In Christ,
Julie

[stawnasalas]

We have some attitude issues with our oldest ds who is 9. Some days he does awesome, with no whining, complaining or disrespect, other days are not so good. I know he can control it since he does indeed have the good days. We do a strip system, where he has to pull a strip if he continues to misbehave after I have given him a warning. We start on green, move to yellow, and then red. He has had about 4 days out of 3 weeks hs'ing where he has been on red. Red means, no friends, no skateboard, no Wii, no tv after school. We also have a green basket that I have filled with $store trinkets that the kids can pick from after the end of a very good day (not just staying on green but going above and beyond with helping out sisters/brothers, being kind, no whining at all, etc). Dc is very high energy too, so he does get up quite a bit and run around, but I think he needs this ocassionaly to stay focused.

[blessedmom]

We have definitely had this issue in our house. For my sweet dc, if they do not listen or act like they already know it, they have to sit out for a time, making their school day longer. This is not fun for any of us, but it typically does not happen much any more, except what may need reminding about this rule. We have gone over many Proverbs that encourage listening to instruction or scorning instruction (like Pr. 10:8; 12:1; 13:1,13; 19:20 I'm sure there are more ). We have also talked about the obvious of they are in school because they need to learn and I am the teacher and they need to listen so that they can be smart (wise). When it was a huge problem for one of my dc, I had her copy and memorize one of those verses.

[Kirsten]

It is good to read all these posts! My kids also do the whining thing now and then too, ages 8 and 10. I like Mom23's advice too. I do have and if/then chart that the kids worked on coming up with consequences to different infractions. They came up with "no screens" if they whine. So no tv or computer or any games, etc. which really seems to work. Having the kids come up with their own consequence seems to make a big difference.
Now, on the other hand, I also have to check my attitude and remember that I am supposed to be the adult. Whining pushes my buttons, and I tend to react badly sometimes. So I have to stop and breathe, pause and pray. A lot of times God will just give me something right then to change things up and lighten things up. Both my kids need to move. Sometimes we all sit on top of the table, sometimes we go on the trampoline, sometimes I read the book in funny voices. They really do listen when I think there is no way the could be.
Love and prayers to all!
Kirsten

[Mom of Three]

I am still looking for the consequence that my dd actually cares about.

I have found that when she is grumpy she may need food.

[jennb]

I am new to homeschooling, so I haven't experienced the attitudes yet with not wanting to learn, etc. as my daughter is almost 5 yrs and we're planning to start in the Fall, but after struggling greatly with my DD's attitude, whining and completely ignoring me when I asked her to do something such as make your bed, brush your teeth, get your shoes on, etc., I read The Well Behaved Child by John Rosemond. He is very "old school" in his discipline methods. He doesn't believe in a reward system for discipline at all because he thinks that the child will come to expect the rewards, and then when they decide they don't want the reward at that moment and can wait another day for an ice cream (as an example), they will just act out instead. Of course, he explains this much better than I can. He believes in consequences that make an impact. And he actually says that he's not against spanking, but has specifics on when to spank if you choose to spank because he says that most parents resort to spanking as a last resort (when they've basically had it). I had come to that point with my daughter, and when I did spank her, I was already frustrated with the situation, and I wasn't enjoying being around her. That really hurt to feel that way. Not to mention, the spanking wasn't working. I was truly exhausted by her lack of listening, whining, etc.

So, anyhow, I implemented his ticket system which you can read about in his book. He also has a website that you can join that gives more specifics on the ticket system, but I would highly recommend reading the book from Chapter 1 until the end. (Actually, I just looked at his website (www.rosemond.com) through the membership webpage, and he has responded to someone regarding homeschooling and issues with the child not wanting to do written work, etc. He recommended reading his book "Ending the Homework Hassle." I haven't read that one though). He actually says to be sure and read the first 2-3 chapters of The Well-Behaved Child as those are the most important chapters. Granted, my daughter is not perfect by any means, but her behavior has changed dramatically for the better as a result of his ticket system.

Of course, all of my friends that I've told about his ticket system thinks it is harsh. Basically, she gets 5 tickets a day (slowly decrease to 3 tickets as the behavior improves) and for every offense that is on her list, she loses a ticket. Once all tickets are lost for the day, she spends the rest of the day in her room. The first week she was in her room every single day by 2:00 p.m. I was worried that this approach wasn't working, but by about the 10th day, she was improving greatly. Every child is different though, and some will take longer. Depending on how long your children have been acting out, it may take longer. But, before you implement this system, I would HIGHLY recommend reading the book first.

Of course, I know this will be hard to implement while homeschooling, but it may be worth implementing now even if school is postponed a little as a result of the implementation to get the behavior controlled.

Best of luck!

[jennb]

Also, I forgot to mention, but before you send the child to their room for the remainder of the day, you may need to clean out some of the fun in it. My daughter gets 3 books, and she is not allowed to do anything else. So far she has followed directions, so I haven't had to completely gut her room of toys, but that doesn't always work with some kids (obviously).

[Tansy]

When my DD gets out of control and she has been getting really disrespectful I turn to Arleta She is fabulous!
I always seem to find an answer or a better perspective over at her blog
here is is the Behavior difficulties section.
I know she is adoption issues... but I find things that work for adopted kids work for typical kids too where it doesn't always work the other way around.
http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2011/ ... -behavior/

My dd behaves this way every day
She is really mad at her birth mom and she has some overcomeable LD's
Often when she is pushing my buttons, its a deep heart issue than what is on the table at the moment. She is trying to get me to display the emotion she is feeling and then she will watch and see how I handle it to then be able in the future process it better. Of course as a Mom this stinks..

For example during narration. She out right refused to do it. And I found out why.. When we went to Ikea she asked for ANOTHER blanket. Because Life is unfair and her little sister has a blanket from Ikea. And she wants life to be FAIR.. altho we discussed you get what you need in our house not always what you want. And if you want it that badly save up your allowance and buy one for yourself, but you have enough blankets. Her discipline this morning was to bring out all 11 blankets she uses (b/c she often has multiple night time bed wetting), I had her sister bring out her 4 blankets (1 baby, 1 Ikea, 1 weighted, and 1 fleece. Then we figured out the only way to make it "fair" was to give her little sister 3 blankets. Oddly enough when she saw how unfair it was weighted in her favor she was resentful she had so much stuff and didn't qualify for a new blanket. But her behavior changed immediately after. Go figure..