Need help encouraging child to express thoughts
Need help encouraging child to express thoughts
Hi there,
My 10 yo who is in Bigger has a GREAT deal of difficulty with the Bible study portion of the study and the thinking questions. I'm not sure how to help him. I've been working with him all year and he's not making progress in this area.
This is a challenging area for him in general. When he's asked a question by anyone that requires any thought - he can't answer it. The older he gets, the more concerned we get. Now, we're noticing that "other people" are concerned about him - his grandparents, friends at church, brothers. Everyone wants to know why he doesn't talk to people. He tells me he has "thoughts in his head", but he has trouble saying them.
He's strong academically, otherwise. Great narration skills, solid in math, enjoys reading and playing with legos and being outdoors. Even likes having friends over to play, but he doesn't talk to them, and so it's difficult to find friends to come and play.
He dreads being in a setting with other people, unless it is a sport. My husband and I are praying and pondering how to help him.
Any thoughts?
My 10 yo who is in Bigger has a GREAT deal of difficulty with the Bible study portion of the study and the thinking questions. I'm not sure how to help him. I've been working with him all year and he's not making progress in this area.
This is a challenging area for him in general. When he's asked a question by anyone that requires any thought - he can't answer it. The older he gets, the more concerned we get. Now, we're noticing that "other people" are concerned about him - his grandparents, friends at church, brothers. Everyone wants to know why he doesn't talk to people. He tells me he has "thoughts in his head", but he has trouble saying them.
He's strong academically, otherwise. Great narration skills, solid in math, enjoys reading and playing with legos and being outdoors. Even likes having friends over to play, but he doesn't talk to them, and so it's difficult to find friends to come and play.
He dreads being in a setting with other people, unless it is a sport. My husband and I are praying and pondering how to help him.
Any thoughts?
With Joy!
Florence
My blog: http://florencebrooks.com/
Began HOD 1/2009
Currently using: Bigger, RTR, Rev to Rev and MTMM
Florence
My blog: http://florencebrooks.com/
Began HOD 1/2009
Currently using: Bigger, RTR, Rev to Rev and MTMM
Re: Need help encouraging child to express thoughts
Wow , this is 100% my son , except he is only 7 . I am following this thread .
Sorry I have no answer for you as I struggle with these things with my son too .

Re: Need help encouraging child to express thoughts
I've been spending a lot of time thinking through my question. In short, what I need help with is drawing my son out for higher level thinking. We've been offering examples to get him going and provide grounds for discussion, but it doesn't seem to be helping him. He just says back what we say and doesn't add anything to it. Still praying and pondering. I'll look forward to some responses.
With Joy!
Florence
My blog: http://florencebrooks.com/
Began HOD 1/2009
Currently using: Bigger, RTR, Rev to Rev and MTMM
Florence
My blog: http://florencebrooks.com/
Began HOD 1/2009
Currently using: Bigger, RTR, Rev to Rev and MTMM
Re: Need help encouraging child to express thoughts
My 11 yo son is very similar. Unfortunately I don't have many answers either. He is a very concrete thinker. If we ask a question or try to discuss a topic he'll most likely answer "I don't know." He says he can't answer hypothetical questions. Things are very black and white with him. He is very bright in many areas and will study topics of interest in-depth and for a long period of time. He has an aversion to fiction (we're working on that) and will read non-fiction non-stop.
But, yes, I think it's the relational things that stump him. He also doesn't have many close friends but has a brother close in age to hang out with. They have mutual friends and when they are all together he talks and plays well. But, you know, he has said things that people (adults and kids) can take the wrong way. We've heard him say things that sound sort of insulting and we try to correct him and guide him in what he could have said. But for him it's more of a truth thing. It's almost like he has to tell the truth no matter what.
His grandfather recently took issue with him for not answering him or speaking up or something. DS lots of times will just say yes or no and not elaborate. He never was a kid to show lots of emotion. Most times we have to pull details out of him. The other day he actually just told us about an incident that happened at baseball practice (it was something good) and we were thrilled. We try to teach him how he can answer when people ask him about things. I don't know if it's a fear of failure (he is very perfectionist also) or just immaturity or what. We also wonder if it's the fact that his close in age brother (9 1/2) is very outgoing, compassionate, loves talking to people, and we just have to realize they're just different. It's crossed my mind that he might have some asperger's tendencies.
But now I've really rambled and I hope I don't sound too negative. Can you tell I tend to overanalyze?
Kristen
But, yes, I think it's the relational things that stump him. He also doesn't have many close friends but has a brother close in age to hang out with. They have mutual friends and when they are all together he talks and plays well. But, you know, he has said things that people (adults and kids) can take the wrong way. We've heard him say things that sound sort of insulting and we try to correct him and guide him in what he could have said. But for him it's more of a truth thing. It's almost like he has to tell the truth no matter what.
His grandfather recently took issue with him for not answering him or speaking up or something. DS lots of times will just say yes or no and not elaborate. He never was a kid to show lots of emotion. Most times we have to pull details out of him. The other day he actually just told us about an incident that happened at baseball practice (it was something good) and we were thrilled. We try to teach him how he can answer when people ask him about things. I don't know if it's a fear of failure (he is very perfectionist also) or just immaturity or what. We also wonder if it's the fact that his close in age brother (9 1/2) is very outgoing, compassionate, loves talking to people, and we just have to realize they're just different. It's crossed my mind that he might have some asperger's tendencies.
But now I've really rambled and I hope I don't sound too negative. Can you tell I tend to overanalyze?

Kristen
ds17 - mostly textbooks, community college, and lots of hands-on projects
ds15 - an eclectic mix, sports, Scouts
ds9 - BHFHG, loves LEGOs
dd7 - LHFHG, loves taking care of her dolls, arts & crafts
ds15 - an eclectic mix, sports, Scouts
ds9 - BHFHG, loves LEGOs
dd7 - LHFHG, loves taking care of her dolls, arts & crafts
Re: Need help encouraging child to express thoughts
Kristen, You make me laugh and smile. I see a few similarities - our 10 yo tries very hard to please us and I think he doesn't speak, because he doesn't want to say the "wrong" thing. He's extremely compliant - to a fault. I've always thought as he grew older he would get better in this department, but now my husband feels he needs something "more." Still praying and pondering...Kristen wrote:My 11 yo son is very similar. Unfortunately I don't have many answers either. He is a very concrete thinker. If we ask a question or try to discuss a topic he'll most likely answer "I don't know." He says he can't answer hypothetical questions. Things are very black and white with him. He is very bright in many areas and will study topics of interest in-depth and for a long period of time. He has an aversion to fiction (we're working on that) and will read non-fiction non-stop.
But, yes, I think it's the relational things that stump him. He also doesn't have many close friends but has a brother close in age to hang out with. They have mutual friends and when they are all together he talks and plays well. But, you know, he has said things that people (adults and kids) can take the wrong way. We've heard him say things that sound sort of insulting and we try to correct him and guide him in what he could have said. But for him it's more of a truth thing. It's almost like he has to tell the truth no matter what.
His grandfather recently took issue with him for not answering him or speaking up or something. DS lots of times will just say yes or no and not elaborate. He never was a kid to show lots of emotion. Most times we have to pull details out of him. The other day he actually just told us about an incident that happened at baseball practice (it was something good) and we were thrilled. We try to teach him how he can answer when people ask him about things. I don't know if it's a fear of failure (he is very perfectionist also) or just immaturity or what. We also wonder if it's the fact that his close in age brother (9 1/2) is very outgoing, compassionate, loves talking to people, and we just have to realize they're just different. It's crossed my mind that he might have some asperger's tendencies.
But now I've really rambled and I hope I don't sound too negative. Can you tell I tend to overanalyze?![]()
Kristen
With Joy!
Florence
My blog: http://florencebrooks.com/
Began HOD 1/2009
Currently using: Bigger, RTR, Rev to Rev and MTMM
Florence
My blog: http://florencebrooks.com/
Began HOD 1/2009
Currently using: Bigger, RTR, Rev to Rev and MTMM
Re: Need help encouraging child to express thoughts
Wow! This is an interesting thread with heartfelt concerns. I'm being prayerful in my answer because I have such a heart for rescuing our boys. An interesting difficulty with processing seems to be what is being shared. The skill levels seem good, reading doesn't seem to be the issue -- strictly elaborating and thinking on an object, whether its literature or a situation or question.......My gut is telling me to advise a conscientious and purposeful aesthetic skill. Bear with me while I try to explain. This may sound silly, but plan on watching an action movie (good ones)/ movies together, something with some meat in it. Choose the original Indiana Jones. Other options might be the Brendan Fraser version of the Mummy, plus there are lots of other great movies, that I could list for this purpose in a personal message. While your watching the movie, express your delight in the art of the camera work, the costumes, the plot and talk about accuracies/inaccuracies of historical connections. Make a spiritual connection by talking about how the portrayal of good/evil lines up with the Biblical reality of God's army fighting Satan's. The mummy is very interesting because you get to talk about scary stuff (for older boys). The key word is this type of exercise is word "Delight". Aesthetics is the mental activity of finding delight in an object and interacting with it -- all forms of art which include literature and movies. This mental activity carries over into finding delight in life itself and God himself but creating that desire to EXPRESS it. I am not a psychologist, so there may be some Asperger's tendencies showing, but don't let that alarm you, you can work through it with God's grace. I am however a Christian Philosopher, and have done academic work in Applied Aesthetics and Philosophy for Children. I just feel that having relaxed natural but purposeful discussion about finding the delight and connections through Art may be a path you may never have thought about before. A great aesthetic activity you can add that is actually ingrained in Carrie's Drawn into the Heart of reading. Take one of her assignments on literature moods and create flashcards for them. Then look in a thesaurus and create a flashcard for several adjectives. Place adjectives behind the appropriate mood card. When you are looking at a painting, listening to music, watching a great film, have your son find the mood card that matches the art you're observing. Then have him choose an adjective that he can agree with. Let that start your discussion. I pray that your year will go well and please let me know if this idea might be helpful.
Laura
Children's & HS Librarian
Classical Ed., HOD, ds LHTH-BHFHG
Pray for the strength of our moms and dads, pray for the Lord's continued rescuing of His children -- His Exodus. May the the Lord's peace and presence be felt in your loving homes!
Children's & HS Librarian
Classical Ed., HOD, ds LHTH-BHFHG
Pray for the strength of our moms and dads, pray for the Lord's continued rescuing of His children -- His Exodus. May the the Lord's peace and presence be felt in your loving homes!
Re: Need help encouraging child to express thoughts
Deltagal - We noticed our oldest ds behaving this way sometimes, especially in "social" situations. He attributed it to his being "shy". One day when we were doing "Boyhood and Beyond" in RTR, we both of had a major change in the way we thought about this. It was the chapter called "Leadership". Schultz began by telling the story of Ernest Shackleton. Then he said, "We need more men like Schackleton who look past themselves to the needs of others". I am going to quote Schultz here, as me trying to restate what he said will just fall short...deltagal wrote:...This is a challenging area for him in general. When he's asked a question by anyone that requires any thought - he can't answer it. The older he gets, the more concerned we get. Now, we're noticing that "other people" are concerned about him - his grandparents, friends at church, brothers. Everyone wants to know why he doesn't talk to people. He tells me he has "thoughts in his head", but he has trouble saying them... Even likes having friends over to play, but he doesn't talk to them, and so it's difficult to find friends to come and play. He dreads being in a setting with other people, unless it is a sport. My husband and I are praying and pondering how to help him. Any thoughts?
Many boys are said to be shy. Their parents explain why their son did not say thank you or hello with the excuse, "Joey is just being shy today". The truth is Joey is just caught up in himself. Joey thinks too much of his own feelings and thoughts to consider someone else. Joey is simply selfish.
When a selfish boy arrives at a birthday party, his thoughts naturally revolve around himself. He is not sure if he wants to be there. I bet they don't like me. What's to eat? What are we doing for fun?
A boy destined to be a leader will ask himself different questions: Is anyone sad? How can I cheer them? Is anyone lonely? Could I help by sitting near them? He begins conversations with those that look uncomfortable. He thinks so much of others that he may overlook getting cake and punch for himself.
The selfish boy leaves the party with the same thoughts he brought. So-and-so didn't like me. No one took an interest in me. The cake wasn't sweet enough. I didn't win any prizes.
The future leader leaves with his thoughts full of the people he met and the opportunities he had to serve. He didn't really notice the cake; it was good enough. He didn't care about winning any prizes and was delighted to see Harry get that pocketknife. Harry had told him how he had lost one just a week ago!
The budding leader might have developed a new area of interest. The man he brought a chair to told him all about his desert travels. He described the thrill of a sunrise, the extreme quietness followed by the choir of birds and the indescribable colors! The boy had never know such a glorious thing existed! He was going to check the atlas to find the nearest desert.
A selfish boy doesn't have to remain one all his life. He can grow out of it. He can mature to be someone like Shackleton who will risk his life for the sake of his men. Where does a boy start?
Start by asking God for eyes to see the needs of people... Next really look at people around you each day. Take moments and think, "What does dad feel like when he comes home? How can I help him? What does Mom feel like when she gets up in the morning? What can I do to make her day brighter?"... Be attentive when you meet people. Are they happy or sad, tired or energetic? Why do they feel that way? Make it a game to understand their hearts... laugh with those who laugh... cry with those who cry. When you enter a room or visit someone's house, be on the lookout for helpful things to do. You can sit in a corner and selfishly hope someone will notice you, or you can embark on an adventure looking for people to serve...
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Phil. 2:4
This conversation changed our lives!



Now, this one time did not change things always. We have had to go back to this same talk. One time some friends of mine from high school came for dinner, and they are missionaries. Wyatt made no effort to find out anything about them, but instead took off to play with his cousins upstairs. The older cousins stayed to talk with the missionaries. Some of this comes with age, but we did talk about it the next day, and he agreed he could have been more interested.

As I read your above thoughts, this devotion came to mind. I think that it helps with school but also just with life situations in general. I hope it can help you as you talk with your ds about this too!

In Christ,
Julie
Enjoyed LHTH to USII
Currently using USI
Wife to Rich for 28 years
Mother to 3 sons, ages 23, 20, and 16
Sister to Carrie
Currently using USI
Wife to Rich for 28 years
Mother to 3 sons, ages 23, 20, and 16
Sister to Carrie
Re: Need help encouraging child to express thoughts
Wow, Julie. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I think God is speaking straight to me. We never made excuses for my son by saying he is "shy," but I sure have by saying "it's just the way he is." I guess it's the same thing. I was a lot like that when I was growing up (in fact my whole family is) and you're absolutely right - it's selfishness. By the grace of God and my husband's example I have learned to and enjoy thinking of others. I don't think anyone who knows me now would call me shy. My husband has actually said DS11 is selfish and I have made excuses. I guess most kids (and people in general) tend to be selfish and that's why we need a savior.
Your post also warmed my heart because DS9 shows a lot of leader qualities already. I just thank God for opening my eyes and for all of you on this board, where we can support and encourage each other to learn and grow in His ways.
Thank you!
Kristen

Thank you!
Kristen
ds17 - mostly textbooks, community college, and lots of hands-on projects
ds15 - an eclectic mix, sports, Scouts
ds9 - BHFHG, loves LEGOs
dd7 - LHFHG, loves taking care of her dolls, arts & crafts
ds15 - an eclectic mix, sports, Scouts
ds9 - BHFHG, loves LEGOs
dd7 - LHFHG, loves taking care of her dolls, arts & crafts
Re: Need help encouraging child to express thoughts
Thanks, Julie! Your wise and sound advice often touches hearts of people who haven't asked a question to begin with
. I know I've read before that you take time to pray through a situation before you post a reply, and I just wanted to thank you for that. I love that about God, that He can take so many different individual situations and hearts and touch them uniquely with the same scriptural principles.
All this to say that I also have a son with great leadership potential that is masked behind selfishness. In all honesty, he gets it from his Mom. Anyway, although I've seen this issue for what it is: selfishness rather than shyness (again, because it took me so many years to realize that about myself!) I haven't known how to help my child with this while he's still young so that hopefully, he won't struggle with it until adulthood. Your post has given me something to pray about and try with him, and encouragement to keep on trying!

All this to say that I also have a son with great leadership potential that is masked behind selfishness. In all honesty, he gets it from his Mom. Anyway, although I've seen this issue for what it is: selfishness rather than shyness (again, because it took me so many years to realize that about myself!) I haven't known how to help my child with this while he's still young so that hopefully, he won't struggle with it until adulthood. Your post has given me something to pray about and try with him, and encouragement to keep on trying!
Becky, married to my preacher-man and raising:
DD 12-7th grade public school
DS 10-Preparing
DS 8-Beyond
DS 3-Just doin' his thing
DD 12-7th grade public school
DS 10-Preparing
DS 8-Beyond
DS 3-Just doin' his thing
Re: Need help encouraging child to express thoughts
Thanks, ladies!
I cannot tell you how many times I did one of our devotions from "Boyhood and Beyond" last year and thought - 'I so needed to hear that!' Or, 'I never thought about it that way, but that is so what is going on!' Or, 'My ds needed to know that, and I wouldn't have even though to bring that up!'. I am sure "Beautiful Girlhood" is the same way. The devotions in HOD provide times for me to really lean on the Lord. They are not always easy to hear or easy to live out, but they are based on the solid Rock on which we stand, the Lord. They draw us to Him and help us see how to live out our lives for Him. Wyatt and I will always remember "Boyhood and Beyond" as a special time together. Likewise, Riley and I will remember "Morning Bells" as a special time together within "Bigger Hearts..". The devotions are some of my favorite memories and times I have had with my dc through the last 9 years with HOD, and they are the times that have made real impact, currently and eternally, in our dc's lives. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in these moments where the Lord whispers through a devotional, "Julie, that's what's going on here... make a change..." whether it pertains to me or to my dc, that's powerful.
In Christ,
Julie


In Christ,
Julie
Enjoyed LHTH to USII
Currently using USI
Wife to Rich for 28 years
Mother to 3 sons, ages 23, 20, and 16
Sister to Carrie
Currently using USI
Wife to Rich for 28 years
Mother to 3 sons, ages 23, 20, and 16
Sister to Carrie