Way Off-Topic - Anger Management

[netpea]

Can anyone reccommend how to teach an almost 8yo boy how to deal with anger and frustration. In the last 6 months, my son has grow more and more angry about anything that irritates or frustrates him. I am at my wits end. The tantrums from age 3 are back, but Worse!

Help

[Kathleen]

Lee Ann,

I do not have any experience in this, but just thought I'd share something that the Lord has brought to my attention several times in the last couple of weeks. In 2 different books that I've been reading, the idea of having sympathy for your children has been brought up. (I guess I need to think about it since God keeps putting it in front of me... )

The quote that I've seen twice now is from Henry Clay Trumbull's book Hints on Child Training. He says, "A child needs sympathy hardly less than he needs love; yet ten children are loved by their parents where one child has his parents' sympathy...It is unquestionably true that in no way can any parent gain such power over his child for the shaping of the child's character and habits of life as by having and showing sympathy with that child."

Maybe being intentional about letting him know that you understand his thoughts and feelings would help him not have the need to act out. Just an idea... My kids aren't acting out in any way now, but I plan to be more intentional about letting them know that I understand them, rather than just trying to control their behavior.

I don't know if that's helpful or not, but I had to share since God has just brought this to my attention.
Kathleen

[Melanie]

I have read that many times as well...let them know you do sympathize, but also help them come up with solutions. Have them give you a "narration" if you will, of what happened. Then brainstorm ideas/solutions. Also, remind them that certain actions, such as temper tantrums, are not socially acceptable, and that in the future you expect him to think of a solution before the tantrum.

I was reminded yesterday that ALL children have their moments. I was walking through Kohl's and coming toward me was a mom walking at a fairly fast clip with nothing in her hands and she was being closely followed by a little girl about 6 with tears rolling down both cheeks and emphatically shouting "it's not fair, it's not fair".

I could be any of us at any moment..... Just know that you have our sympathies! I just tell my dear darlin's that I hope they have children who act just like them!!! I will just sit back and laugh...much like my dear mom does these days....

[shera]

I just tell my dear darlin's that I hope they have children who act just like them!!! I will just sit back and laugh...much like my dear mom does these days....

Melanie the only problem with that one is your ds future wife is the one that's going to have to deal with it the most. That is of course assuming she stays home with the kids.

Sarah

[Melanie]

Oh Sarah...that was a joke (and I guess not a very good one). My dc are very well behaved (for the most part, they are far from perfect), at least that's what I'm told by everyone around. I would never blow off bad behavior and I'm sorry if it came across that way. I was just trying to give Lee Ann a smile.....

BTW...my ds knows how to cook, clean up, and do laundry, so I am preparing for his future wife!

[shera]

Oh I completely took it as a joke. Really I did. My mother in law makes comments about how she would tell my dh one day you will have a kid just like you. I just look at her and say gee thanks a lot. Its almost like a curse on the future wife.

Oh and your ds wife will greatly appreciate all of your hard work one day.
Sarah

[Vicki]

About anger management~

These things have been working for us, and my little guy has definitely had his share of meltdowns.

We use a lemon-flavored cod liver oil made for children as an Omega-3 supplement daily. This is working wonders with concentration and seems to curb the meltdowns (doesn't do away with them, but they're definitely less!).

I pray for patience for myself daily, and as needed.

I use time out for behavior that crosses the line when it happens. Sometimes that bit of quiet time helps, and I often find my little guy actually reading a book on his bed during time out.

The last thing we have done is that we made a list of about 6 or 7 things that are alternatives to reacting from anger when it happens. I let him help brainstorm ideas for things he felt could diffuse his anger, and he liked that the list was really "his". Some of things we chose were taking paper and crayons to draw through some of the anger, going to another room with a choice of a book, or even getting a glass of water and sitting down till he can quiet himself. I know these sound silly, but they usually work for us, and he almost always comes back in a few minutes to apologize for his outburst, and that's when we hug and start over.

Hope some of this helps!

[netpea]

Thanks for the ideas, I think the list thing might help. We've been trying to give him extra love and empathy. But its so hard to empathize with kid who's gone ballistic. The anger is so strong, I miss my calmer happier kid.

[inHistiming]

netpea,

Have you asked him why he thinks he's getting so angry so often? Maybe talking about it and having him ponder that for a bit would help... I know what you mean when you say it's hard to 'empathize with a kid who's gone ballistic'. I've been there! It does seem as if there is no reason sometimes for what they are doing...but maybe you'll be able to draw that out. I know you have probably already tried this suggestion, but thought I'd mention it just in case.

Sometimes, too, I have to take a look out how others in the household are behaving. Is he/she following the example of an older brother or sister (or mom or dad ), does the child feel left out or that no one listens....these are just things that have happened in our house. When I worked in a private school a few years ago, I had a 3rd grade boy who seemed like he was always in trouble. When I talked to him one day, he said, "No on listens to me." I felt so bad for him...he felt that no one was listening so he had to take matters into his own hands. I tried to explain to him that if he would come to us (teachers) first, maybe we would listen, because all we saw at that point was him hitting and punching and grabbing people....Anyway, these are just thoughts I had when reading the posts here. No accusations or anything like that. We've all been there, I think. I hope this has been at least somewhat helpful.

[Vicki]

Lee Ann, I know how you feel. Believe me, I've had days when I prayed just to even get through it!

I do know that the Omega-3 supplement is helping, and we also use a digestive enzyme supplement too. I also forgot to say that I watch out for anything with "high fructose corn syrup" in the ingredient list--also BHT, TBHQ, and asstd. dyes and other preservatives. We don't use Feingold, but I have kind of figured out my own diet modifications to the best of my ability, and it does seem to help.

The only other thing I can think of is, is there something that is different at home that could cause the outbursts? Change in schedules, new baby, anything like that?

The last thing I can think of is that I have really curbed any t.v. time my little guy has. I used to let him have a bit of t.v. time in the mornings before school, but I found that it wasn't a good thing at all for him. He does enjoy listening to the CD with the memory verses, and I try to play other music that is calming if possible.

Hope some of this helps you. ((hugs))

[joyfulheart]

Well, as the mom of 3 boys and aunt of 8 boys, I gotta say there is a stage between 8-9 that boys get REAL moody. My friends and I joke it's some kind of boy PMS, but it's REAL. LOL My neighbor is a 3rd grade teacher and she says the boys are more moody than the girls! LOL

Anyway, I'm going through it too. The only thing I hear from all the other moms is to allow the moods, don't allow the behavior! But some days.... LOL