A discouraging post about feeling burnt out

[lovetobehome]

I have been a die-hard homeschool advocate for the past 11 years. I taught PS for a year (before having children) and quit, vowing I would never send my kids there. Since then, I had babies and homeschooled from the beginning. My eldest is 11, he is doing very well with school (CtoC), he has gotten quite independent and things are going great. I am struggling with my 8yo daughter, though, and actually considering Catholic school (though we are Orthodox, not Catholic). Maybe it is because my first child was so bright and things came so easily. Maybe it is because she is a girl, and we butt heads more since I don't like any girl attitude stuff. But, I get frustrated with schooling her, and she with me. It takes all my strength to not lose it with her. I am often amazed at how little she retains. I have not settled into a curriculum that I can stick with, with her. We are consistent with math (TT3) and English (R&S2) and AAS for spelling. She gets some geography done most days, and some cursive. She reads a lot on her own. History and science I am a failure with, for her. I never get to it.
If things get hard, she gets an attitude and it makes me boil. I am not doing enough with her, school-wise, because I just can't bear it. I feel like I am not enjoying this ride anymore.
Though I only had 9 more days to do to complete my required 180 days this year, I took the last 3 weeks off because I just couldn't bear to do one more day of it. I started back yesterday, to finish up those 9 days, doing just math and english. And by today, I am feeling discouraged again. Part of me wishes I could just send her off! She is a very sweet little girl, mostly, but she really hates school and to be honest, I am hating it too. We both must know how the other feels, and it makes it harder. I think she realizes that I am frustrated that she can't remember things, or can't figure out things, and that probably makes her feel bad. She gets a sulky attitude or angry.
I am trying very hard to be calm at all times, and to be patient. But inside I am screaming. I guess I just need some talking out loud. I feel I am so married to the homeschooling plan, yet I really don't enjoy schooling her. I don't think PS is a possibility. Catholic school is, but I really fear losing her heart and soul if I send her away. And I think sending just her and not my son would be painful for her....she doesn't WANT to go to school because she thinks it will be harder/longer. I think sending her off would send her the message that I do not want her around, as her brothers would be home still.
Anyway, I am feeling weary of this whole thing. The homeschooling, the mommying. What is wrong with me? How can I get the joy back? This has been going on for quite some time, and I can't seem to get past it.

[ForHisGlory]

lovetobehome,

Though I don't have any sage advice, I want to let you know that you aren't alone. Many of us out there have days/weeks/months we get discouraged and want to "throw the towel in!" One bit of advice I would give you is to write out the pros and cons of homeschooling, side by side, and analyze and pray over this. Try to bring yourself back to the main reasons as to why you originally decided to homeschool.

I can understand (for the most part) what you mean when you wrote that you don't want to lose her heart. In my very honest and humble of opinions, that could happen, and it could be strange for her and heartbreaking that she gets sent off to school why brother stays home.

I'm not sure if we are allowed to recommend books on here, so please PM me if you'd like a suggestion for a book that I read on homeschooling that has changed my attitude completely! There are many well intentioned Christian mommas out there that just get frustrated and want to quit. Don't! Pray over it, and pray for the Lord to change your heart, and then I think from there things will get easier. I have noticed that when my attidude isn't in check and I'm grouchy and hormonal, then the atmosphere in our home isn't great. I'm not saying you have an attitude problem! I just wanted to share my personal experience.

Lastly, if I may add...we tragically lost our oldest son 10 months ago. I miss him so much it hurts. He is with Jesus, and that gives me great peace, but I want him HERE with us. With that said, just remember in those very tough and tiring days, they are not ours...they are the Lord's children, and we get to take care of them and train them for such a short amount of time. Enjoy those days. God bless you!!! You are going to be just fine! The Lord will see you through.

[pjdobro]

First off hugs! I wish I had some wonderful advice to give, but I don't. Some days, weeks, etc. can be so difficult. I think this age with girls can be difficult as well. I'm seeing the hormones starting to kick in with my dd who is 8 (nearly 9) and that has caused our share of battles. I try to remember how erratic the hormones were when I was pregnant and know that these surges in her are new and difficult for her to handle. One thing I am going to do in this area is start the purity study from RTR with my dd. I haven't decided whether to do it over the summer or whether to do it in the fall, but I have looked it over and it is so much about having God honoring attitudes. I think it will be a great thing for us to work through together as mother and daughter. I'm hoping that it will help us work through feelings and attitudes together.

It sounds like you are really ready for a break. The great news is you only have 7 days left of school this year! Try to finish out strong and then enjoy the break. I would recommend to pray, pray, and pray some more. Work on building your relationship outside of school with your daughter. See where that takes you. Perhaps if you can just be honest together and work on your relationship outside of school when it's time to start school again you will be refreshed and ready to go. Maybe if you let her help you decide which guide to use for next year that would give her a fresh attitude towards school. Perhaps if she feels more ownership in her school, she will feel more committed to it. Maybe she is feeling too unsure about what it expected of her and needs more of a set schedule and expectations. I could be way off here, but I'm trying to think of some ways that perhaps you can turn this into more of you and her against the world versus you against her.

I don't know if any of this is helpful at all. I really feel for you. I've been very burnt out before in so many things not just school, and it is so difficult to find the energy to get up and try just one more time. I pray you find renewed strength through Jesus Christ who is our strength. Philipians 4:13

[lovetobehome]

Shannon, thank you so much for responding. I read your blog, and I appreciate reading how you have relied on the Lord to carry you through such a truly difficult time. I feel like your note made me realize how very much I have to be thankful for, and how very little I should be concerned with. Maybe I can translate that into a change in attitude and heart.
I would love the name of the book you mentioned.
I plan to make that list of pros and cons, you are right, that will be extremely helpful. I have used that approach to determine curriculum choices, and it is what brought me to stay with HOD.
Lastly, my heart breaks for you. At the same time, my heart is uplifted by your faith in our Lord and your trust in Him, and in Ethan's heart for the Lord.
I specifically and consistently pray for children I know who have gone to be with the Lord, and for their families. I will add Ethan and your family to my prayer, and I promise to pray for him, and for you, as long as I am able.

[solagratia824]

((hugs)) I am so sorry that you are feeling burnt out. We are very new homeschoolers, so I don't really have any wise words from my homeschooling experience... but I do want to say that my heart feels for you and I am praying for you!

Our Lord is with you, loves you, has not forgotten you, and is at work behind the scenes. In my own times of ministry burnout and spiritual darkness, these truths have brought me comfort. May He be your comfort and strength.

[my3luvs]

I'm new at this so take my opinion for what it's worth.

We are pulling are DD out of school for some of the same reasons you want your DD in Private school. For the past few weeks I have been researching and trying to figure things out for ME. I had a light bulb moment the other day and asked HER what SHE wanted to do to make learning fun again for her. She loves history and writing. So I threw out my original plan and decided to go with HOD b/c it take the pressure off of her and she can rebuild herself up while reading and learning about stuff she thinks is cool.

I am looking forward to getting to know DD I think for the first time. I know we are going to have our bad days b/c she is just like me...but we will get passed it. My only goal for this year for her is that she no longer thinks she is stupid...hence why she is failing everything now. Will it be work? Of course...but as long as she comes out on top then it's ok.


I'm sure by then end of our school year I may have a different opinion....BUT this pas year in public school has not been pretty.



Close the books and use your last few days with other activities she enjoys and just make them learning experiences for her. It will all come together eventually.

Ive rambled a lot. so feel free to skim.

[Tracee]

((((((HUGS))))))) to you. I'm definitely not as far along in our homeschooling journey, but my oldest has dyslexia, and hates anything that resembles school. People don't realize what blessing it is to have a child that really enjoys schools. I'll share what the Lord has been teaching me in this short time of homeschooling:


1. It's not about the amount of information we can get into them. We really are here to help them learn. It takes more work and patience than just filling them with information. It takes trial and error and most of all perseverance( I feel a little uncomfortable saying this, because I've only been homeschooling for a couple of years ). I really resented this. I had to do a lot more work to make things fun and more of a game, but it helped ds so much.


2. Don't worry about what other people are doing. Don't compare her or yourself to them. Just keep moving forward at whatever pace is working. Homeschooling isn't a race.


3. Lots and lots of praise. People don't like to do what they feel they can't do. I give tons of praise for effort and a good attitude.


3. Remember that God has created us all with different gifts, for me reading, writing and remembering certain things came easy for me, but I can't draw at all. I can't imagine if someone required me to draw something, and then got mad at me if it didn't match up to their expectations. Unfortunately, I've done that to my ds before with reading and writing.


4. Ask the Lord to show you ways to help you teach her and for patience. I've actually slammed my fists on the table before and had to walk away. I was so frustrated. Then, I felt awful and guilty that I acted that way. I've had to ask ds for forgiveness and start over.

4. Lay down some ground rules. I had to say, "I know you hate school, but you have to do it. I don't want to hear any complaining or whining about it. If you do, you will lose some privileges." Things are so much better when you don't have to listen to that. We are still working on this. Things will go really well when I'm consistent with our schedule and school, but if we take a break from school, a lot of our bad habits come back, so we just start over.


If God has called you to homeschool, he will give you the strength to do it. Remember, He works all things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. This is going to make you a better teacher, and it can actually strengthen your relationship with your daughter.


(((((((HUGS)))))))I know it's hard.

Tracy

[BrooklynsMom03]

I have an 8 year old daughter and we just got into full time hs this year....The road has not been easy at times...and has been difficult.....at others....I have really noticed a big change her in attitude a couple months ago....but nothing like the attitude she had while in ps!! i do feel very tempted at times to put her back in school and than I remind myself how much *damage* that really did to her...I dont know if this will help or not but we just had an appointment with her pediatrician....because I was concerned about her going into early puberty....attitude..some develeopement...some weight gain around her tummy...which yrs ago I had read was a sign of this...so we went to her doctor...and yes she is about 1.5 to 2 years ahead....which puts her starting her period at around 9 or 9 and a half....she went from this little tiny petite girl to being like a little adult so fast! Her pediatrician said this is happening so much younger in girls and it is not good because they now have so much more to deal with that emotionally they are not prepared for...so we have an appointment next week...to see a child endrocrinologist...and she is going to do some tests and if it is confirmed to be early puberty....I have done some research and will stop it for a few years til she emotionally is ready for those changes....So I shared this only to say....maybe there is other things going on that is causing your daughter to not be so helpful in her studies...I know just taking my daughter to her pediatrician and having it confirmed was very helpful....now we can make decisions..based on that and I have found myself alot more patient and understanding with her as well!

Also you have been at this a long time....so you probably know this...but for me...new to homeschooling...I find it draining to me...to have a child day in and day out with no break and especially if they are resisting you...it can just drain me of energy quickly...so I have really worked on making sure I have some time just for me...we need it to get re energized....

The good news is you are almost finished with thsi year!!!! We are only half way thru having started in January...I have felt sorry for myself over this the last couple fo days! We are going to school thru July so we can get on more of a *school* schedule...but I dont want to!!!
So glad you shared this...you will find wonderful encouragement here!!
Beth in Idaho

[kzacarkim]

Hi, I'm very new at homeschooling and can learn more from you than offer advice.... but I have a very strong willed child... very bright, but hard to get motivated sometimes..... We work on a system of rewards to get him motivated. For example, he was battling with me with his phonics, just didn't want to do it.... so I promised that if we finish the book I would buy him a toy that he wanted.... I know.... sounds like bribing! But kids cannot see the immediate benefits of an education. They will appreciated will later in life, but sometimes they need a reward sooner... and I can tell you now he really enjoy his phonics, even though sometimes I have to remind him of his reward. We all like rewards... we clean the house because we enjoy the feeling of a clean house... we work because we look forward to our pay day, and the list goes on.... these are grownups rewards, kids sometimes need something more tangible. Another thing we do is to try to have fun. If I say we have school work to do he might not want to do it, but If I say that mommy has a game for us to play, or after this activity we can play a game or you can have some computer time with a fun educational game, it makes him more inclined to do it....
I hope this helps.... I know we can be discouraged at times, and sometimes it pays off to just stop, have some fun, talk to your daughter about her interests, even listen to her sugestions for school... and remember that your reward will come!!!
Big hug!!! We're here for you!!

[lovetobehome]

Thank you to all who have responded...I only have a moment, but will write more later. I suspect she may have some learning disability. I am wondering about how to evaluate that. She has made progress this year, especially in spelling and english, and reading, but there have been red flags for some time that make me wonder whether something else is going on. She does very well in language arts things. Math is a much bigger struggle. She still forgets what a quarter or a nickel are worth. She can be skip counting by 10s and say 10, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 50. She can look at a map and I point out Canada and Mexico, and she can't name the country in-between. GASP! So these things make me go a bit bonkers. Of course I feel like maybe it is my fault, that I am not doing enough review to help her retain things. My son retains EVERYTHING effortlessly, so it may be that she is just a very different child and all is well. Or it may be there is an issue. I don't know. I just know I feel like a failure, and I fear she does, too.

[Kim S]

Your post brings back so many memories of years ago when my now 16yos was that age. He did have dyslexia and other LDs but honestly a lot of his was laziness.
There were areas I should have not gotten frustrated with but honestly school is just something you have to do whether you like it or not.
So make a plan stick to it and go at a pace that it not frustrating for her. The beauty of homeschooling is not getting it all done in a year but actually learning what you do do that year.

[KTLM6]

Your little girl sounds a lot like mine a year ago. Truthfully, a year ago I considered sending my dd back to ps. She hated school. It felt like a fight every day. She would complain and I would be so frustrated I would be in tears. Time and maturity has helped. Prayer... lots of prayer. I began to check my attitude at the door, so to speak. She knew when I was upset or impatient. I started being upbeat and positive, even if I didn't always feel like it. That rubbed off on her. My husband and I also sat her down at one point and told her straight out what we expected from her in terms of performance and attitude. Then, we consistently expected it from her. I also switched to HOD for nearly everything and then stayed consistent with it. HOD uses many different learning styles, so that even if one thing was not fun for my daughter, something else was. Of course, at first, she wasn't going to admit that she enjoyed anything! I have found that consistency with a program is very important. I did the jumping around thing, and it created a lot of stress and anxiety on my daughter because things were always changing. She never knew what to expect! Personally, after the nine days, you should give yourself a break. Go enjoy your daughter. Go to the park or on some field trips. Maybe read some great books to her or find a project that you both will enjoy. Then, start fresh with school with a plan and a new attitude. Make sure she knows what is expected of her, and maybe even set up some consequences for poor attitudes or behaviors from her. Most of all, trust God to guide you. He knows what you need in this time. He knows that you love your daughter and need His strength right now. God Bless!

[ForHisGlory]

Shannon, thank you so much for responding. I read your blog, and I appreciate reading how you have relied on the Lord to carry you through such a truly difficult time. I feel like your note made me realize how very much I have to be thankful for, and how very little I should be concerned with. Maybe I can translate that into a change in attitude and heart.
I would love the name of the book you mentioned.
I plan to make that list of pros and cons, you are right, that will be extremely helpful. I have used that approach to determine curriculum choices, and it is what brought me to stay with HOD.
Lastly, my heart breaks for you. At the same time, my heart is uplifted by your faith in our Lord and your trust in Him, and in Ethan's heart for the Lord.
I specifically and consistently pray for children I know who have gone to be with the Lord, and for their families. I will add Ethan and your family to my prayer, and I promise to pray for him, and for you, as long as I am able.

You are VERY welcome! I am humbled and so grateful that I can help someone else. Before Ethan passed away, I tried to give back to others while serving the Lord. Right now, I just sort of "exist" and do the day to day. It makes me feel better when I can help another person. So many people were there for us in our time of need...and now I would like to be there for others.

Please do not feel like I was trying to make you feel guilty about your situation. I just wanted to write about how short life is, and at times (myself included) we can take for granted our precious children. I truly hope, with all of my heart, that homeschooling your dd gets easier.

I am humbled, and yet I covet, your prayers! Thank you SO much for praying for us!!! HUGS!

[Daph]

*hugs* It does get discouraging! The great thing is that we're running the race - even if we get tired and discouraged near the end of each year. I'm in complete burnout mode myself. We decided to take a break on the regular academics, and are doing a fun lapbook together on The Chronicles of Narnia. Sometimes switching things up makes a huge difference.

[my3sons]

These ladies are such an encouragement, aren't they? I just am amazed at the group of ladies the Lord has brought here to the HOD board, and I am glad you are hear too. Honestly, I think the end of the year is pretty tough. We need our summers off for many reasons, so we homeschool diligently throughout the rest of the year, and rarely take breaks. We do enjoy our homeschooling very much, but by the end or the school year we are glad to reach our summer break. I think you have also reached that point, and a break is due for all - mama and dc both!

I also think when poor character traits make themselves known, which they have a way of doing as we are with our dc day in day out , we grow weary and think, "Not that again." I remember our pastor explaining the inherent sinful nature of dc by telling a story. He said his 4 yo dd would walk in his office, which was lined with bookshelves, which were in turn lined with neat rows of books, and she would pull all of the books (she could reach - blessedly she was a short little pumpkin at that point) off the shelves row by row and toss them in a heap on the floor. He said of course she had never seen anyone ever do that - because who in their right mind would do that to their books?!? But she just loved to sneak into his office and make a real mess of his books. I remember feeling kind of relieved when I heard that story, because though I have many things I can - and should - take the blame for that my dc need to work on in their lives, their are some things they are doing that are not really my fault, but are instead just a result of their natural tendency to sin. So, maybe instead of bearing the brunt of the habits you feel your dd needs to work on, on your shoulders, perhaps you can look at them as something to pray about and to address as best you can one at a time, replacing one poor habit with one good habit, little by little - but not as something you have failed at. I have tried to take this tactic, and it seems to really help me focus on changing for the positive s-l-o-w-l-y, but also realize not everything can be my fault.

I think that after your summer break, doing a separate HOD guide with your dd that fits her individually would help her so much. It would give you time to work with just her in bite-sized amounts of time, and it would also help her finish school earlier so she has more free time. I am thinking your idea of doing "Beyond Little Hearts..." with her is a great one! This would so give you time to do the personal Bible study and devotions with her, which are short but deep, and they also hit on Godly character traits that are not preachy but more in a loving, sharing sort of way between mom and dd.

Just recently I have tried to do some "mom and me" time with each of my dc as time allows, and that amounts to once and awhile, but more often as we go, as my dc are asking me to do things now. I tried to explain it a little in this thread...
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=9052&p=66352

I think this could put some fun into your mom/dd relationship again - I sure know I needed that with my relationship with my sons! And it doesn't have to take all day, be expensive, or be school-related (in fact it probably shouldn't be school related, but rather school should be something that dependably takes "x" amount of time and then is done so the rest of life may be explored and enjoyed too) . It seems like these tiny extras really can make a big difference with dc.

I hope something here can help, but you are not alone. I can tell you that putting your dd in school will not fix things. Those same issues will be alive and growing, just not under your watchful eyes, and believe me - you don't want that. All school things aside, we need to do what we have to to hang on to our dc's hearts - hard as it is sometimes. God being a part of HOD's daily learning has sure helped me with that with my ds's, and the fact that we are doing 1:1 Bible times really brings out each of their personal struggles, temptations, failures, and triumphs. I actually had my 11 yo move to a different room when my 8 yo and I do his Bible times together, as I realized he was whispering his personal things he was sharing with me so big brother wouldn't here (and they are like 2 best friends). He just was embarrassed about big brother listening in on him baring his little heart with me. So I do think that this sharing time could really help too! HTH!

In Christ,
Julie