Homeschooling an ADHD/defiant child? struggling to decide

[ninipelley]

I am in need of great advice and prayer.....
have a 2nd gr. daughter finishing Beyond
almost 6yr old boy at Pre-K at the church
2.5 yr old BUSY girl
16 mth girl
My ds (almost 6) will be in K in the fall. I am really struggling with the decision to homeschool him. He has always been hyperactive and is now in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD/oppositional defiant disorder. Most of the days are complete chaos here, when he is not here, the ENTIRE dynamic is different. So much more controlled.

I'm in need of some advice whether you GODLY woman can provide on public school or homeschool him. I want the best for HIM and US. Right now, being at home with all 4 kids isn't even very much fun to be honest . I love them all so much and want to hs, but i don't know if i can handle it. I am so stressed out.

We do live in a good ps system, but how do they handle his particular needs? Does he need this socialization more? How will his self esteem do?
Any prayers or advice would be so good......
Nici

[MrsMandy]

I don't have any answers for you but I am dealing with the same issues with my DS15. I am reading Raising Godly Tomatoes and I just began it but it is really opening my eyes to how he sees my inconsistent discipline as confusing. My main problem is what do I use as consequences for a child who has another house he can go to every other weekend where he is allowed to do whatever he wants. I also have a tendency to yell and I am working on that too. If you have not read it before maybe it would help.

[Heidi in AK]

Ok, for what it's worth, take this with a grain of salt and a lot of discernment...

I'm just going to offer you perspectives from my current situation. I pray that in Jesus' name something I say resonates with you and aids you in discerning direction for your DS6.

I currently teach in a small Christian school. I know that's different from your described situation, so take this as it is, my situation, and ask God for any wisdom you might glean. I teach high school, and one of my students is ADHD/ODD. He is a new student at the school this year, which runs K3 through grade 12. He is a freshman. We started out the school year ok, but not more than 3 days in, he was causing trouble in my classroom. I had 9 students, 6 of which were boys. He quickly influenced all of them. I had to issue contracts to the class seven days into the school year because I could not get them to listen. I don't think the principal had any idea how bad it was, as it's never been as bad as this year.

He has totally changed the climate at the school. His mom and I met a month into school and she poured out her heart to me. She had sent an email to the principal explaining his behavioral issues (remember, this is a small Christian school; we don't have a counselor) which was supposed to be forwarded to the teachers, but it never was. Meanwhile, I was literally spending 50% of my time just on this one student. It is by God's grace that we made it through the semester and all my other students learned anything. That was one In-School Suspension (1 day) and one Out of School Suspension (5 days) later. On the last day of school, he influenced two other students to leave the all-school party once we started worship time. I had no idea where they were and was left in a panic on the last day of school thinking I lost my students, and sad they left because we started to worship Christ.

That said, major strides were made by God through me to reach out to this kid and love him in Jesus' name and just encourage him not to give up on Christ or anyone who cared about him. I'm running out of room, I think.

[Heidi in AK]

Ok, additionally, Christ has been breaking through and he is much calmer this semester. God's used this in my life personally to open the door for me to homeschool. I'll be leaving the school full-time to school my own kids.

Now, if I can offer any perspective or thoughts on your situation, it is:
1. I don't know what resources the ps has
2. You do have lots of littles at home
3. Who better to work with him than mama, even if he has ADHD/ODD
4. I wonder what it would do for him to do HOD, which is a very active program

There are times when I wonder if this student needed more time with his mom, but at the same time, she really needed a break. She said they had been dealing with hard-core ODD for three and a half years. She was just weary.

I feel like I'm talking in circles. I hope something I said shed light on your situation. I think on this there's really no one beside the Lord and your husband and you which can really speak authoritatively on this situation, but I will be praying for discernment for you both on your situation with him. I pray you come to peace and clarity quickly.

[Heidi in AK]

I'm sorry, I guess because I'm walking through my situation with the mom, who's become my friend, I have some more thoughts.

Do nothing out of fear. Remember, fear is not from God and if you and your husband determine the best thing for everybody is to try ps and see how it goes, you can trust God with your DS. God can work through ANY circumstance to win your son over to him (if He hasn't already). Peace is worth something, for sure. I'm trying to figure out how to say what I want to say. I think too many times we Christian moms think the "only right" way is to homeschool, and it is certainly fantastic, or great for our kids. However, I think we put God in a box when "we" do that. I've known too many situations when Christian families specificially Christian school or public school out of the Lord's direction. If your district is "good," hopefully that means Christian values are reinforcing what you are able to teach him at home. Maybe you could do the Bible piece with him from LHFHG and then let the ps teach everything else? Or you could include history/science if you want him to see how the Bible intertwines with life? (stick with only Bible if that turns out to be too much)

(My sister's philosophy has always been they would use the public school unless there was not a good public school option. She said amazingly, in God's power, their kids have ALWAYS had Christian teachers in strong school districts, so they've never had to contemplate any other arrangement.)

If the Lord's calling you to HS him, that's something different. God equips the called, and He will equip you and your family for that task.

With my ADHD/ODD student, I have an inkling of what you are going through. Our school days are markedly different when he's absent, so I know what you mean there. I'll be praying for you.

[lmercon]

My heart goes out to you because I can imagine this must be a tremendous burden trying to decide what is best for your ds. While I have no personal experience in this matter with my own children, I have walked alongside a family member who has a ds who is bipolar and is often incredibly defiant and oppositional. She had him in a small Christian school through 3rd grade, and then pulled him to hs. It has been an enormous struggle for her, but she doesn't regret her decision to hs. It is incredibly hard to hs him. He requires constant oversight and discipline. Some days are horrible. But the good days are beginning to really out-number the bad. He's 12 now. She's seeing the benefits to her endeavors. There were many days when she wished with all her strength that the big,yellow chariot would swoop down from the sky and take him away for 7 hours a day! As a former teacher and observer of her ds, here is some advice I offered to her and, now, to you.

1. Pray every day that God will give you the grace and strength to train this child. You will need a super-human amount of patience and wisdom to navigate through each day. Children like this often learn quickly what your "buttons" are and which one sends you over the edge. Usually if Mom is over the edge, child gets what he wants just to make it all stop! Be consistent with the expectations that you have and the punishments that you dole out. Inconsistency is death! It just makes the problem so much worse.
2. Have a plan! You and your dh must establish a strategy for dealing with your ds. Dh must back up you up or it will be chaos. Ds needs to have a holy fear of Dad. Dad had better NOT hear a bad report when he gets home. I know that sounds 1950's, but in my experience little (and big) boys sometimes need a "hand" that only Dad can exact. When my ds was younger and having some difficulty paying attention, I used a simple method for keeping him in line. I produced a blank index card each day. If he was doing anything outside of my expectations for him, I simply, without breaking from what we were doing, placed a tally mark on the card. We didn't even break stride, but he knew that I was displeased and he needed to pull it together. Every tally mark took a minute away from a favorite activity. If we got to a certain number, Dad become involved. That worked wonders. You want to do everything you can to handle the little annoying situations that always come up without stopping the flow of the lesson and involving all the other little kiddos who are there.
3. Stay the boss all the time! Don't let him push you around and make hsing a living nightmare. He has no right to do that to you or your other kids. Don't give him face-time when he doesn't deserve it. He is NOT allowed to dominate the school atmosphere. If he begins to act badly, send him away. Don't allow him to get your attention. That is EXACTLY what he wants! It's not fair to your daughters either. I would establish a place that is quiet and out of the way where he must go to do independent work when he is being defiant. And don't make that work assigned school work. That's too much for you to pull together, especially at his age. He can copy the "A" section in the dictionary or a passage about respecting others from a book. Leave him there for longer than it seems he needs to be there. You need to outlast him. Don't let him back when he's still huffing! If he starts up again, back he goes!
4. Children like your ds, especially boys, need a lot of large muscle use in the day. I really believe that is the number one problem with boys in school. Most aren't ADHD, they're LMD, Large Muscle Deficient! When I taught school, the best way to help my antsy boys was to give them heavy loads to carry around the school. They thought they were helping me out when I asked them to lug a heavy stack of books to the first grade wing! Keep your ds very active. Require him to do "man jobs" around the house. He'll think he's big stuff for carrying heavy loads! Have him stack wood, carry rocks around the yard, etc. You may need to get creative. The key is, he needs to use his large muscles to weariness every day. My family member has had to make a point of keeping her ds involved in highly active situations, at the expense of the family's budget at times. He has always played multiple sports. Maybe become members at the local Y and take him swimming a couple times a week. Sign him up for sports classes. It is a burden to have to transport back and forth all the time, but ADHD boys need it like medicine.
5. Be careful not to neglect your dds, especially that quiet, compliant one. It is sooo easy to do that when you have a demanding child. Give that child the SAME amount of attention. If you follow my advice in #3, hopefully you'll have time in the day to do this. Also, don't allow your other dc to follow your ds's example. That can happen sometimes.

Obviously, this advice all pertains to hsing a difficult child. I don't mean to suggest that you would be wrong to place your ds in school. I do wonder what that will do to his little heart when he sees that he is being sent off to school and the others are home with you. While he may vocalize the he doesn't care, I can't imagine that would be the case. You wouldn't want him thinking that he was sent away to school because he's the "bad" child in the family otherwise he may really live up to that reputation. You'll have to be very good in your presentation to him the reasons for his school choice.

Whatever your decision, you know that it came with much thought and prayer. You are trying to do the best for your little boy. Hugs to you as you grapple with this difficult decision.
Laura

[Mommamo]

I have an ADHD child (yes, I know that term gets overused and overdiagnosed, but I believe without a doubt that that's what we're dealing with). She is not, however, ODD. She's just super, super smart (IQ much higher than mine and yes, that's been diagnosed/confirmed too ) and as a result has a tendancy towards being manipulative and argumentative. I am not a very structured person, but I'm slowly learning to be very structured and very consistent. That's key here. Also, like other posters said, I've had to not let her pull me into arguments. That's been tough for me, but with God's grace I'm getting the hang of this finally.

She is my oldest and I currently have two others at home and a baby on the way. HSing is one of the best parenting decisions I've ever made. We have never put her in ps. Is it tough? Yes, it is. But oh my it is so worth it! We also have the situation where our family dynamics are completely different when she's gone. And I have considered sending her to a hs pdo at some point in the future (we are lucky enough to have 2 in town!) But I am thankful that I have this time to learn from her and work with her. I'm afraid she would get in trouble a lot at school. At least at home I can work with her to manage it. It has gotten worse here lately as she's gotten older, but thus far we're managing just fine with a strict routine, strict consequences, and managing her diet, no meds.

I am so thankfull that we found HOD at the beginning of our hs journey. (We started LHFHG when she was in K and are now on Bigger.) HOD has been perfect for her. It's given her the perfect structure that she needs. It is also easy to implement into our day - even with having the other little ones at home who need my attention as well. I just want to encourage you that, while rough, it's definitely been worth it for us. I'm tired at the end of most days (I work part time from home too) and there are days where I wonder how in the world I'll continue to manage, but I am so, so thankful that I'm able to do this and keep her at home with me, who loves her more than any fabulous teacher ever could.

[psreit]

Some great advice from pp's. My dd has not been diagnosed, but we have dealt with some similar behaviors, probably on a milder side, though. She definitely has some special needs that we are trying to deal with properly. So, some of the things stated to you are also some things that I needed to hear in my situation.

What I just wanted to mention is that we put dd in school last year for K and although it helped her in some ways, it really was not a good scenario, and it was a Christian school. She liked being with her friends, but she has problems relating to them and socializing properly with them. Also, she has some problems in reading(vision problems) and writing, along with being easily distracted by what is going on around her. And there were only 3 other students in her K class. The type of curriculum used there was not good for her either, because it is mostly independent work. DD is not ready for that.

I was telling my hs evaluator that the psychologist at the ps asked if I would consider putting her in school there. I never had any intentions to do that, but my evaluator even said that she'd be lost in there. Not only would dd have problems with too many distractions, but she models everything she sees others doing, and from my perspective, ps would not be a good place to find others to model. I know there are good teachers and behaved dc in ps, by my dd would more than likely role-play the behavior of those not as well-behaved. Behavior will be monitored and dealt with better at home. So, although we have our rough times during hs, I think being at home is the best thing for her. Each child is different, but that is where we've been.

[Heidi in AK]

Laura's PP and points are excellent. I can't emphasize enough your need to have a plan (especially for discipline) and STAY the boss. I am sure you already know that ODD will not just test, but push the boundaries and try to take over as the authority. Have people praying for you as you HS.

[momof4]

Nici,
My ds (8) is ADHD. Sorry, I have no knowledge of ODD. But we decided from the beginning to homeschool our ds. We thought he would become the quiet kid in the back of the room that never learned anything. After speaking with the pediatrician several times, he has agreed that ds is in the best situation for him to learn. The pediatrician actually thinks homeschooling is a great idea now. Homeschooling him has been difficult and I wonder many times each month if I can continue, but God always gives me some bright sparks of hope to keep going. Our oldest (at home) is 16 and does most on her own and the younger one takes very little time at this point so our situation sounds a little easier than yours so pray about what God would have YOU do. I've now had my kids in public/private/homeschool and there are pros and cons to each. Take the time to let God lead you to the best place for your family. It can be done. If homeschooling is what God has planned for you, He will give you the strength to do it. If public/private school is where he is to go, God will allow him to learn there also.

Also, I just want to add that HOD is a great program for kids with ADHD. There is a lot of movement and the lessons are short, concise and meaningful. I have sisters-in-law that homeschool and they use more of a textbook approach and I think about it because it would make him more independent giving me more time, but I don't think he would learn as much and I'm sure that it would drive him crazy. So HOD has been perfect for us.

Hopefully, that is of some help.
Laurie

[mrskturner]

My 8 ds has been diagnosed ADHD and ODD. I knew it was coming from the time he was three. ( I also realize that my ds age 2 will fall under that label ) My daughter is ADD and severe dyslexia. And they are all three at different places on the spectrum. My boys are super hyper, need little sleep, talk non-stop, and are highly intelligent. My daughter struggles with memory recall, reading, math, and day dreaming. She is rarely hyper.

My ds 8 started out in a Christian pre-K and then went to ps for Kindergarten and 6 weeks of first grade. He was the class clown, always talking, and would interrupt the teacher to teach the class himself. She could never mention animals, ocean life, cars, trains, boats, dinosaurs, ect...without Jack chimming in to elaborate on the subject. His teacher's always said he was very sweet, very smart, and honestly a good kid. He just can't sit still and can't stop talking.

We have tried spanking and for some reason it never worked for him. Turns out he is a "high touch" child and he really doesn't feel a spanking like a normal kid does. I struggle a lot with finding consequences that match his actions. He hates to sit and write ( yet he can draw for hours) so lately I have had him write Bible verses that match his actions. When he has a tantrum, he has to go to his room and stay there until his behavior is better and he can rejoin the family. Some days he has to do his school work in his room. That doesn't happen often anymore.

Now let me tell you how HOD has changed our lives. It is very hands on and keeps him entertained. Practicing spelling words on a dry erase board daily was such a blessing! I had no idea how something so simple would have such a huge impact on our family. I recommend this way of practicing spelling words for my mom friends with kids in ps too. We also do almost all of our math problems on a dry erase board. My son use to have an emotional melt down at the sight of a math worksheet. He would start complaining about a stomach ache or headache or anything to get out of doing it. Now he doesn't see the math sheet. I just call the problems out to him one at a time and he does them on the board. And most of our English is done on a dry erase board also. The dry erase board has made everything better for us.

*The screen is doing something funny. I will start a new post.

[mrskturner]

Jack also NEEDS to know what is going to happen next through out the day. I write the title of each HOD box on an index card each morning. He highlights through each one when we are done with it.

Another thing that has been a HUGE help is allowing him to draw while I am reading. He NEEDS this. He has to be using his Right brain inorder for his Left brain to listen. This bothered me at first. But if I allow him to draw or quietly play with legos while I am reading history, John Audobon, Storytime book, ect... he can perfectly narrate in great detail the story back to me. If I ask him to sit still on the couch or at the table without something to occupy his Right brain he is wiggling, looking under the table, hanging off the couch, running to the kitchen or bathroom, ect. Other ideas are playdough, silly putty, knex, coloring books, ect...

We also use fish oil daily and lots of prayer! Jack is my most challenging child, yet at the same time I enjoy teaching him the most. He is so stinking smart! He does a lot of his math in his head, he loves to use his new vocabulary words in everyday conversation, and he will discuss with any adult that will listen about what we are reading in History. He is full of facts and retains them in great detail. So even though he is a challenge, he is also such a rewarding child to teach.

Not only CAN you teach your "hyperactive, right brained, intelligent" child, YOU can teach him better than anyone else!

Kirsten

[4Hispraise]

Nici, I have no wisdom of my own. So, I offer this prayer for you:

May God grant you and dh the wisdom and insight to know what is best for your family. May He guard your heart with His peace and grant you His discernment in this situation. May He give you a vision for what He wants your family to do and to be, and may you embrace it, as He enables and empowers you to complete His will for your family. May God Himself encourage you and your entire family as you seek to make the best decisions to grow your dc and to give Him glory. In Jesus' Name.Amen.

Blessings to you and your family.