The other problem is keeping dd occupied while I am feeding or tending to the baby some other way. I have read The Connected Child for those who have at-risk adopted children. It is recommended that a child not be sent off to play alone, but to join in play. But, I can't always do that. Also, make the day predictable. This is where I just cannot get on track. After school is done, our day is no longer predictable. My problem is continuing to structure her day when school is done and the baby needs tended (even when she doesn't). DD wants me doing things with her all the time and she doesn't read independently yet. We have TV and this winter she has been constantly asking if she can watch it. Even when we are away, the first thing she will say when we pull into the driveway is "Can I see what's on?" I feel like I'm failing her because I don't have plans laid out for those times. I need to really limit the TV time, so I'm not going to use that as a crutch when I need to be doing something else. I know she would do better having me give her specific things to do, but no matter how hard I try, I'm always in my same rut.
I know this all falls back to having a schedule, but I have just become so flexible over the years because of having a child (dd21) born with medical issues and unexpected hospital stays, etc. So, I am a 'spur of the moment' kind of person. I need to plan ahead. I am probably answering my own questions in my mind
, but the support helps. DD needs to know that she does not need to be in control of her situations. This is a major area of difficulty with our dd, as with many other children who came from abusive or neglected environments, so if I DON'T have things planned out for her, we do have control issues. My problem is being consistent. I'm becoming more consistent with our HOD school time, but our afternoons fall apart. I become overwhelmed when I try to think of what needs to be done. Someone said on Julie's post about scheduling the day, to just add one thing at a time. I have a habit of looking at the full scope of things and then I cave. 
I am probably one of the oldest members on this board, if not THE oldest, so you'd think I would be helping others more than asking for help. I love my adopted dd with all my heart and just want to do what is best for her. I read so many things in that aforementioned book that I know I need to implement in her life because of her special needs, but many times I ask myself, "Where do I begin?" Maybe another adoptive parent would know an adoption board that I could join. Any suggestions are welcome. 
She wants to be in charge of keeping an eye on the baby. She wants to be allowed to do the things that the rest of us do. Being in a house full of adults, you know that isn't possible. I allow her to hold the baby, but I told her she can't walk around with the baby. She wants to be able to do that. 
They are going on her shelf as we finish them. She has matured in some ways, but other ways she is behind. So, it is hard to find a balance sometimes. 
and occasionally he will watch something else, but there are times that I wish we didn't have regular TV at all. I admire those who only have it for video watching. We both grew up with it, so we just have always had it. I can limit dd's time watching it, but I need to replace it with fun things for her to do, esp. things she can do independently while I am busy. But, most of the time she doesn't want to do things alone. Yes, I can let her help with cleaning, caring for the baby, etc., but I think creative play is very important, but I can't always be there to help her and dd is not one to think things through before she does them. She needs someone to give her step-by-step instructions or many times the project ends up being destroyed. 
Yes, she will frustrate when she doesn't know what to do and then she will just use it in a way it wasn't meant to be and it ends up ruined. So, she needs much one-on-one with most projects. 