Handling Irritations

[tnahid]

Does anyone have any good practical tips they use in order to help them stay calm and relaxed throughout the school day? Any good tips on how they stay self=controlled and don't lose their temper? I have noticed I have been a little short/ill-tempered with my oldest lately, especially. It's not really him, I think it is more me. Just wondering how you handle these irritations.

Blessings!

[krismoose]

I stick a post-it (or 2 or 3 ) with whatever scripture is most relevant to my current issue (self-control, etc) at eye level around the house - fridge door, bathroom mirror, whiteboard, etc. - it always helps draw my attention to my attitude or behavior and gives me a chance to change in the moment. I do have to move them to new places after a couple of days, or I stop "seeing" them I don't do it all the time, but when I do, it helps. It helps remind me to pray during the day when I need help, not just during "quiet time", kwim?

[cirons]

For me personally, I usually need to take preventative measures for losing my cool.....this involves a few things:

1) ENOUGH SLEEP - tired mummy = cranky mummy, no questions asked!

2) Make sure all rules and expectations are CLEARLY stated before any activity with the kids & therefore,

3) Make sure any consequences are CLEARLY understood by all involved in any activity so that when someone breaks a rule, the consequence is communicated in a calm tone...

IF I have not done 1 or more of the above, my post event methods are taking elongated hot showers with my door closed so that no one can come in and I take lots of deep breaths!
I might ring my husband and vent and he will help me see reason.....and if I haven't seen 'red' yet, take some deep breaths and don't say ANYTHING 'til I have taken time to process who is at fault (me or the kid). I usually send the child to their room until I can see clearly. They are safe there!

Blessings,

Corrie

[lovetobehome]

I can speak to this. I have only just recently realized how short tempered I have been. A few weeks ago, I began a tough workout every day. I am AMAZED at the change in my attitude toward my children, schooling, and in general. I think that for so long I have emptied myself, done nothing for myself, just spent all day every day for YEARS serving others and subtly resented it. I have no breaks, no sitters, no family nearby to ever help. My husband travels much of the time. And resentment built up that I had nothing for myself.
Working out has given me something for myself, something to do to take care of me, something that belongs to me. The difference in my attitude is incredible. I feel so much better now! I am a thousand times more patient. My eldest remarked on it a couple days ago, how I don't lose my temper or yell anymore. And I have realized that I am ENJOYING my children, rather than feeling burdened by them so much. I laugh with them, smile, want to cuddle with them more. In short, I am enjoying them again. It;s only in hindsight that I can see how drained I was.
In addition to prayer and scripture, I must say daily rigorous exercise has made a huge difference in my life. I am hooked, not because of any desire to lose weight or anything like that, but because it brings me mental health!

[Tmisek]

Tina...I understand where you are coming from (unfortunately). I got pretty bad a couple weeks ago. What I ended up doing was writing out "Don't Yell" in bright red on a yellow sticky note and copied James 1:19-20 on it. Then, I stuck it TO MY WRIST! and held it on with a rubber band. I explained to my kids what it was for (and read them the Bible verse), so they know that even mommies have character issues to work on. It seemed to work really well while I was wearing it...in fact, I probably shouldn't take it off!!

May the peace of God cover you!

[lmercon]

For me, I HAVE to have quiet time in the morning - cup of coffee, magazine, devotions, etc. before I even see my kids. They have to stay in their rooms until a certain time, which gives me some "me" time to wake up and be ready for the day. This helps my whole attitude. I'm ready for them. When I don't get that time, I'm "off" all day.
hth,
Laura

[tnahid]

Oh thank you all! Those are such good suggestions! I want to do them all! I do believe that when I have my quiet time and wake up a little earlier than the children, I do much better, no doubt. I really also like the WRIST idea, because I have tried the notes, and it's like I just look right over them!
Also, I am sure I don't get enough sleep because I am a night owl. I love it when the house is quiet and I can read, relax, get on the HOD message board!

It's mainly my oldest son who pushes my buttons. My younger two rarely bring out the angry side of me. It seems I can stay much cooler and collected with them. With my oldest, sometimes I literally feel I am going to explode! But, I don't, and I am very thankful for the progress that has been made by my Father's grace. I love my oldest son dearly, but he just seems to push every nerve in my body, especially when I am already having a PMS day (sorry, but you know what I mean) On those days, as was today, I just feel somewhat out of control. I hate that! Sitting at the kitchen table reading history lesson this morning, my children kept getting up to get something, no big deal usually, but for some reason, I could not handle it. I just began to cry. I couldn't help it. My oldest comes over and hugs me and says, "Mom, don't cry. We will listen." I explained to them that I was just very emotional sometimes, and that women were like that at times, so for them to please be understanding about that. It did help, so I was thankful. I had to run to my room once to get on my knees with the door locked and cry out to God for his help and wisdom. I was saying to Him, "This is too hard. This is not easy. Why did you have me do this? I'm no good at this!" He listened patiently and comforted me. Yet, He set me firmly back up again and impressed upon my spirit that crucifying your flesh hurts and is painful, yet it is necessary. He helped me to see that I must not give up for my sake or theirs. Oh, how thankful for my mighty and loving Father, full of grace and truth.

So, friends, I am weak. But He is strong. I feel like a failure at times, like my children are not learning, but then I see the wonderful fruit come out. I know it is good. His grace is sufficient. To this I must cling.

[HollyS]

I've struggled with this over the years. Somewhere I recently read not to take everything so personal...Take a step back and see yourself as a manager of your DC instead of a parent. This helps me not to get so bent out of shape, and step in and solve the problem.

Another thing I constantly ask...am I being the kind of teacher I would want to entrust my DC with? Do I want to leave them with a screaming, short tempered woman...or a loving, patient teacher.

I still struggle with this issue, but I'm slowly getting better...I'll be reading all the replies for more ideas!

[my3sons]

What excellent ideas! I think this is something we all struggle with, and it is a struggle that other moms that do not homeschool or do not stay home may not fully understand. We are with our dc a lot. There is such sage advice here, and so much that I second. I also need enough sleep. I also do better when I exercise (lovetobehome - I applaud your dedication and am so happy for you that it's relieving some stress). Getting Bible time in, as well as prayer time is so important to me, as many other ladies mentioned. I constantly pray for the Lord to help me homeschool my dc in a way that brings Him glory. Praise music is a huge help to me! I put it on and force myself to sing if I'm truly upset, and soon I am smiling and feeling quite better. If I feel some unworthy words ready to make their way out of my mouth, I try to picture my pastor standing in my kitchen listening to me, or better still - remind myself the Lord really IS watching me - and this helps me control my words and my temper. A routine, and a plan where I can keep it relatively quiet wherever I'm working with a child, is really important. Loud noise and chaos give me a big headache! Finishing school on time so I have some of the day to do other things is a big deal for me. Decluttering the house also seems to make me less stressed. So, being willing to throw or get rid of what's making our house cluttered has really helped me feel better. Likewise, having our dc help with the household chores in a routine way makes our house feel fresher makes it easier to be in all day.

Hot bubble baths after the kids are in bed do wonders. A quick trip to the mailbox to get the mail, breathing in fresh air and being outdoors even for a moment helps me. An occasional moment away from home to have a meal out with someone - an ADULT - does wonders too. If I am getting worked up and my ds is getting worked up, we often need a break from one another. Just telling him to take five minutes to calm down and collect himself, and telling him I need to go in another room and do the same, really helps me (and him too). Then, I hug him and tell him I love him (even if at first we don't feel like it), and then I say, "Let's tell each other one thing we love about each other." We often get silly, and I'll say, "Your teeth are as white as an elephant's tusk", or "Your eyes glimmer like the deep blue ocean", or "You're my favorite oldest ds" (and he says, "Mom, I'm your ONLY oldest ds!"). We usually laugh then, and really do come up with a nice one, like, "You are one of my favorite people to be around." I guess I'm saying humor, and laughing together really does help!

One last thing that has a HUGE impact on me is watching carefully what I say, type, write, think, and do, as well as surrounding myself with ladies who do likewise. Complaining and being negative do not fix problems. Friends that commiserate and complain "along with me" do not help me feel better. I try hard not to have friends like that, and I try hard not to be a friend like that. To illustrate this better, here's a short story for anyone who's still reading: Carrie and I both well remember a story our wise oldest sister shared with us. Her oldest dd was 5 yo, and she was just beginning to homeschool her. A lady at church asked my sister how it was going. My sister said, "Well, she's very headstrong, and she definitely has some attitude problems to work on, but I think it will be alright." A second lady asked her how it was going and my sister said, "Well, she does well enough academically on most things, but it can be a real battle of wills to get her to do what I want her to do some days." By the time the third lady came over to my sister, that lady said to my sister, "I am sorry you are having such a difficult time homeschooling your dd, and I have begun to pray for you that things will improve soon. I also am praying for me as she is in my Sunday school class. Do you have any tips for how I could work better with her?"

Anyway, if we have nothing good to say about our kids, our husbands, our homeschooling, ourselves, and our lives - no one else will either, and we can find ourselves in a big old pity party - which is a party no one wants to be invited to. What an outstanding post - written in a Godly way, responded to in a Godly way, and now all of us hopefully finding new Godly ways to handle irritations! Thanks so much for this thread!

In Christ,
Julie

[John'smom]

I have a few verses that I try to meditate on.
James 1:20, "For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God."
Proverbs 16:21, "The wise in heart shall be called prudent : and the sweetness of the lips increaseth learning. I added the bold and italics.

Also if I (or anyone else for that matter) am feeling crabby, they (I) have to say 3 things we're thankful for and continue to do so until we have a happy heart. Oh, and even a little physical exercise helps as well.

[tnahid]

Thank you all. These are so good.

[amarie]

I've enjoyed this post too. Julie, I had to chuckle when you mentioned that you try to picture your pastor in your kitchen...my husband is my pastor, so he sees all of me.

I agree that sleep is an important thing...if I'm up a lot with the kids, it can really distort my thinking. I can hardly function on days when it all adds up. I also agreed with Holly S on being more objectional with my kids. Another thing that sometimes helps me is making sure my kids are clean, with hair brushed, teeth brushed, mouths wiped, and wearing clothes that look nice on them. When they're looking cute and smelling sweet its hard for me to not smile and shower them with hugs. They feel better about themselves, too. I also liked what Julie said about watching what we say about our children, and also about who we surround ourselves with. The only other "tip" I can think of is thinking more realistically about my schedule. This last month I think I had my kids to the pediatrician's at least 6 times, the dentist twice, to two different specialists doctors and one of my children has had to have some medical testing done...my husband's work schedule has picked up significantly, and we don't live close enough to family for me to get "breaks"...We're still plugging along with school, but during the very busy weeks when I can tell everyone is feeling stressed, we've stayed more relaxed with school...just practicing some handwriting, reviewing math, and keeping up with reading. I'm trying to be ok with that, and hoping that we don't fall too behind, but I feel like our sanity is worth it.

Does anybody have any suggestions on a good exercise video?
Amy

[1inheaven]

Amy, on the exercise video...we don't have TV but we have Netflix. They have some instant watch workouts on there. I like one in particular as it has several 10 minute workouts so I can do one or several. It's called kickboxing but it's just a good workout. I have about 3 workouts total that I rotate between, and I do a little jogging while my 9 dd is at soccer practice. yes, I still pull out the 10 year old Tae-Bo regular workout. It's good!
Anyway, I have LOVED reading everyone's ways of handling irritations. I am new to homeschooling and have been surprised at what I allow myself to say! My dd does NOT deserve that. I have been much better the last couple of weeks. I would agree exercise helps, starting the day with some quiet time and prayer and remembering I am a teacher/manager and would NOT allow another teacher to speak the way I have.
Thanks everyone for your great advice. I will come back to this topic often. It helps to know you are not the only one, doesn't it

[tnahid]

Yes, I like that advice. Considering myself the teacher and not just the mom! I would not want another woman yelling at my children like I have. You are right! Good point!

Exercise videos:

Go to amazon and type in children's exercise videos. There is a Tae Bo Kicks one for children that we really like.