Afternoons, socialization, and a philosophy of life

[deltagal]

More food for thought on the college front. I work part-time at a small college as a Chaplain. Weekly the Student Affairs Division meets to discuss the current student issues, and guess what continues to be the number one issue we deal with....providing activities, entertainment, recreation for the students who don't seem to know what to do with themselves during their free time. I find this so amusing. So many of the students have become so accustomed to their entire lives being programmed that they lack the basic skills necessary to find something to do.

[Candice]

Wow, great discussion everyone!

I am reading all the posts and nodding my head in agreement nearly the entire time.
Thanks so much all, for sharing your valuable perspective on this.

Candice

[lmercon]

A different perspective -

I just had a conversation along these lines with my sil who also uses HOD. Many hsing families are large, with several children close in age. My situation is different. I have two - a boy and a girl. They are 4 years apart. While they do play nicely together, it just doesn't seem fair that their only social experience is with a child of another gender who is so far apart in age. At 8 and 4, they are soooo different. I'm amazed and pleased that they find things to do together. My sil was just mentioning that she feels that she needs to get her ds more involved. They moved from a busy townhouse development to a quiet place in the country. While she loves it for many reasons, she has noticed that her ds isn't as active. He is more imaginative and spends more time with his sister, but he's not running and playing hard - which he really needs! She's noticed that he is getting heavier and not as agile. Both of our sons go to a hs gym class once a week, which is great, but I think boys need to be running and burning off energy daily. If they had brothers, they might do that. But they are the only boys in their families. They aren't going to run around the yard by themselves! In my situation, I don't think it would be fair to keep my ds home by himself with a little sister who plays with dolls and dishes all day. Boys need lots of activity. If they were at school, they would be tearing it up at recess everyday. I also take my ds to a hs choir once a week. I'm considering putting him in Tae Kwon Do. My dd goes to ballet and swimming lessons. I do these things because I can't provide those things in the home. It is a struggle because I do feel like I am running a lot of the time. It is a constant reassessment of needs and goals. I do feel that I have a responsibility to provide experiences for my dc if I am taking over the whole of their school experience. It's hard to weigh that with the needs of the family unit. I don't know what the right answer is.
Laura

[deltagal]

My sil was just mentioning that she feels that she needs to get her ds more involved. They moved from a busy townhouse development to a quiet place in the country. While she loves it for many reasons, she has noticed that her ds isn't as active. He is more imaginative and spends more time with his sister, but he's not running and playing hard - which he really needs! She's noticed that he is getting heavier and not as agile. Both of our sons go to a hs gym class once a week, which is great, but I think boys need to be running and burning off energy daily. If they had brothers, they might do that. But they are the only boys in their families. They aren't going to run around the yard by themselves!

Laura,

Althought I quoted only a portion your entire post I think articulates well....the struggle. I was struck by your sil's story because we've had the same move in reverse from the country to a condominumn. And my children have gone from being extremely active outdoors to zilch! As I read your post it struck me that both settings have opportunities, but it is such a radical lifestyle change that it takes a while to adjust and to discern how you want to live in these settings. I notice how active the children in our neighborhood appear to be - biking, visiting one another's houses, rollerblading, playing team sports. BUT those aren't things my children have ever done with thier free time - pop in and out of people's houses? , rollerblade?, bike on a busy street? They are used to roaming through woods alone, building forts, fighting imaginary enemies, fishing, working in the yard. When they've had friends from the "suburbs" out to play...sometimes those friends simply aren't accustomed to being in the woods and being so outdoor oriented. It's a big switch. I have found mysel this past year trying to get my children to sign-up for activities to get them to "doing" something, but they have resisted. And now, what I'm finding 18 months later is that they are okay. It has taken us a while to carve out a new routine, but every afternoon my husband when he gets home takes them biking, and exploring in a nearby park. They do some outdoor work at our church. I'm going to take the advice of another poster on this board and stock up on some puzzles and crafts for winter. We're trying to have a family or some children over about once a month. On Friuday's we have a family outing to a local museum. It's not as easy for us as it used to be in the cournty, but we're getting there.

Thank you for your thoughts.

[threegreatkids]

Laura,
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I've had similar thoughts, particularly pertaining to my youngest, who is a boy. My girls are very close in age and have many similar interests, but my boy is often...a little lost in a girls world. My dh also works extremely long hours, which is something we are praying about, since ds just thrives when dad is around. This is one of the dynamics about our own family that led me to ask this question in the 1st place, as it's not a "simple" answer.
I read "The Socialization Trap" this summer, and it really got me thinking!!! Very interesting book! Dh and I did discuss the fact that a super-large family provides some unique blessings when it comes to socialization. We are also aware that we don't have the blessing of a large, godly, extended family. My kids have no 1st cousins, and all second cousins are being raised very differently than ours...public school, nonchristian, completely different values. We see them only rarely and do not allow them to play unattended. I'm not complaining about any of this, as I know the Lord is in control of all of these things. They are just factors to consider.
I so wish that we knew a family or two who lived nearby and were like-minded on essential issues. My dc have friends from church and neighborhood, but I can see the "values" that are being imparted from some of these friendships...premature interest in boys, appearance, secular music (for my girls) and longing for things we don't have (and don't plan to have) like video games (for my boy).
So I think these things are not always completely simple, certainly require much prayer, and a discussion like this is SO helpful!!! I can't wait to see what else is shared I'd love to hear thoughts about activities/socialization when there are specific needs that are hard to meet within the family alone.

P.S. So far we've given up one activity and are praying about others, as we really overdid the extracurriculars this fall! On Monday one child was sick and we were home all day...an unexpected blessing. The kids made amazing forts in the playroom, read, played outside all together, practiced piano, made a craft. It was a great afternoon.

[3musketeers]

I was struck by your sil's story because we've had the same move in reverse from the country to a condominumn. And my children have gone from being extremely active outdoors to zilch! As I read your post it struck me that both settings have opportunities, but it is such a radical lifestyle change that it takes a while to adjust and to discern how you want to live in these settings. I notice how active the children in our neighborhood appear to be - biking, visiting one another's houses, rollerblading, playing team sports. BUT those aren't things my children have ever done with thier free time - pop in and out of people's houses? , rollerblade?, bike on a busy street? They are used to roaming through woods alone, building forts, fighting imaginary enemies, fishing, working in the yard.

deltagal,

We live in an older neighborhood in a large city with a little backyard, although we do have beautiful trees. I enjoyed reading your post so much. I too struggle with my children finding time outdoors and agree with finding it hard to let my kiddos play at the neighbors or ride on a busy street. We do try to invite families over for dinner often. We love going camping, fishing, and wilderness. When we moved here we thought it only a temporary spot. The temporary has turned into 4 years. I am encouraged by the things you have suggested. We live near some wonderful museums, zoo, and botanic gardens that living in the country we would have to drive into town to see. It is a lifestyle change. Perhaps some of our less "structured activity class" time could be used toward doing some of the things you have suggested as a family. Thank you for your post...most helpful to me.

[Benelli]

I am reading this thread with interest, as I too have struggled with how much to let each child do outside of our home, like sports, classes, etc. On the one hand, I want them to be able to learn a sport or two to see what they enjoy. On the other hand, with 7 children, even when each child has only one activity, we are running! I enjoy staying home, and find that by the end of a sports season, I am "done" with the practices and the "divide and conquer" lifestyle my husband and I have to have to make it happen.

I am enjoying reading this thread, and so thankful for you women on this board! Praise God for you all!

[my3sons]

Laura - I feel your struggle and have it at times myself too. I can see having a boy and a girl quite a few years apart would pose more of a challenge. I know when I was expecting last time, I remember thinking that if I had a baby girl how would she fit in with my boys and her 4 all boy cousins we often play with? I don't have the answers there because God gave me another son. I do think there are things that can be done as a family with both though, and that other things can be done with them separately. Family living near us has helped us fill the "friend" role, but that would be something I would have probably had to entertain more had we had a baby girl. I am a firm believer in siblings being friends, and it sounds like your little ones are doing so well with that concept. Florence said it so well - "struggle" that is what I sense too, and this is something we continue to go through with decisions we make as parents (I don't know if this will ever really go away) .

In the hopes of taking away one unsettling thought you have mentioned - having done ps recess for many, many years - very little running and physical activity actually takes place out there for the average child - with limited equipment, large groups of kids, and time needed to put on coats/hats/mittens/boots, lining up to go out to recess, lining up to go in after recess - that two to three 15 minute recess times each day are often eaten up by transition times - not to mention many students (especially boys ) can end up missing recesses to make up homework, complete unfinished work, or for disciplinary issues.

When we lived in town (which we did the first 11 years of our marriage), we had an itty bitty cracker box of a yard. Like Florence mentioned, we went to the park a LOT, went on a bunch of nature walks, and tried to make it a goal to try out a new park every now and then in a nearby larger city for variety. My dh also began taking our ds fishing, etc. Of course, we ended up moving to the country, just for the purpose of having space to run and be loud in. We saved money and lived in a very old tiny house for the first 11 years of our marriage to be able to move to this place, which is also 100 years old and in need of love.

I guess one thing I desperately desire for each of us homeschool moms is to not be so rushed and run-down, discouraged and tired. When I was busy running from thing to thing early on when we had dc, that is the way I felt. I know not everyone feels that way, but for those of us that have or do, it is tough to get through each day. I just want for each of us to know life doesn't have to be that way - it IS busy, and we WILL often be tired as moms - but one thing we can try to keep control of is our time and how it is spent. It is worth considering which things deserve our time, and our dc's time - which things bring us joy, and which things stress us out. This is different for everyone - as some people are very energized by being incredibly busy, and some are not. I pray for you (and for me), Laura, as we try to navigate these decisions that seem so heavy as parents. One thing I know for sure - when we've made real time for the Lord each day with our dc, we've accomplished the best activity of the day, and at least doing HOD, we're getting that done!

In Christ,
Julie

[threegreatkids]

I guess one thing I desperately desire for each of us homeschool moms is to not be so rushed and run-down, discouraged and tired. When I was busy running from thing to thing early on when we had dc, that is the way I felt. I know not everyone feels that way, but for those of us that have or do, it is tough to get through each day. I just want for each of us to know life doesn't have to be that way - it IS busy, and we WILL often be tired as moms - but one thing we can try to keep control of is our time and how it is spent. It is worth considering which things deserve our time, and our dc's time - which things bring us joy, and which things stress us out. This is different for everyone - as some people are very energized by being incredibly busy, and some are not. I pray for you (and for me), Laura, as we try to navigate these decisions that seem so heavy as parents. One thing I know for sure - when we've made real time for the Lord each day with our dc, we've accomplished the best activity of the day, and at least doing HOD, we're getting that done!

In Christ,
Julie

Julie,
I know you wrote this for Laura, but it blessed me to read it, too. Thanks for hitting the nail on the head. These decisions won't look exactly the same for all of us, but being intentional (versus just going with the flow) in how we use our time seems to be key. That is the message I'm taking from all these wonderful posts...to prayerfully consider the eternal value (and the "here and now" effect) of the activities and commitments that we are involved in or pondering.

Not sure if anyone can relate, but for me right now this means slowing down enough to actually hear the Lord again on these matters.

[lmercon]

Thank you, Julie, for your thoughtful response.
Laura

[my3sons]

Thanks, ladies! I'm sure someday we'll look back and know we did some things really right in our parenting and then there will be some other things we wish we'd done differently. I guess all we can do is pray about our decisions and ask God's advice as often as possible. If we walk with Him and our dc do too, we're headed in the right direction, though we may all use some different paths.

Love in Christ,
Julie

[creekmama]

I grew up in the city, so I just wanted to share a few outside ideas for the city dwellers. When I was a kid, I loved my stilts and my pogo stick! I'm an only child, and those were things I could do alone. With friends, I jumped rope, sold lemonade, played hopscotch, played foursquare (sidewalk chalk is cheap!). Back in the day, we were allowed a surprising amount of freedom even in the city, but those activities are easy enough to supervise from the front porch. And you'll meet your neighbors. As a family, you can take walks around the neighborhood. I miss sidewalks (we live in the country now)! Anyway, you can't play all those fun games if you have an activity every afternoon!