Asking for practical ideas for feeling behind with one child

[Treewin]

Hi ladies,

I am feeling a bit behind with things this year due to illness, lack of focus on my part, attitude with my daughter and a volunteer position in our homeschool group. This time of year is always hardest for me and I think this year might be harder due to the above circumstances. I wanted see if you wise ladies could give me a few practical suggestions on how to manage through the next two months without losing to much ground with school.

Our backround: My daughter has a diagnosis of Sensory Integration Defensiveness Disorder. Pressure around performance will make her react strongly as a result. She is generally an Eyore type. So when I feel behind and stressed she grinds to a halt at school. She is doing Bigger with the extension realoud (week 9), MUS Delta (last four lessons) and Epsilon (only because she stalled at long division and we moved into the other book for a fresh look at things), FFL 4 and a bit of IEW. She loves her HOD and we are looking at moving into the next level earlier as she has fatigue around American History. Our one rule is that she must finish her work before evening activites like her swimming four nights a week. (She has lost it a couple of times but manages to regain her focus after one or two nights of consequences) Aside from swimming she has piano....these are things that I consider essentials to her well being.

I feel behind and I want to pick up the pace but I know (from her behaviour) that she cannot handle it. What do you do when your desires do not match up with what your kids can do? I have adjusted myself many times and I struggle with heavy feelings of failing her. Not sure I know what I feel failure around. Perhaps not expecting her to do her best or not keeping a reasonable focus on what is important. She sleeps in and makes her bed slopy and is generally not a disciplined person. I want her character to reflect Godly qualities but she drags her feet about a lot of healthy happy habits.

Do any of you ever feel like you a running in place and not making ground? Do you ever feel like you are pulling more of the responsibilty to get school done than they are? She is just not engaged and it saddens me. I am also feeling like I'm spending too much time working with her and not leaving enough time with my two sons. This makes me feel very sad for them as I think they deserve more. For example, my four year old is probably ready for his HOD Little hands but I just do not have the time to do it with him.

Any practical ideas for feeling behind with my one daughter and refocusing on my two boys so they have a fun day as well? I always feels liek I'm giving up on her when I just stop working so much with her. I do not want to do that.

Thanks in advance. I really appreciate that I can come here and ask you for your wisdom.

[my3sons]

Pressure around performance will make her react strongly as a result. She is generally an Eyore type. So when I feel behind and stressed she grinds to a halt at school. She is doing Bigger with the extension realoud (week 9), MUS Delta (last four lessons) and Epsilon (only because she stalled at long division and we moved into the other book for a fresh look at things), FFL 4 and a bit of IEW. She loves her HOD and we are looking at moving into the next level earlier as she has fatigue around American History. Our one rule is that she must finish her work before evening activites like her swimming four nights a week. (She has lost it a couple of times but manages to regain her focus after one or two nights of consequences) Aside from swimming she has piano....these are things that I consider essentials to her well being.

For those of us who have multiple dc, I think we can all relate to what you are saying here because the chances of one of our little darlings being an "eeyore" multiply with numbers. I know the frustration that can bring, and sometimes I think it is God teaching me to have an extra dose of patience, which is something I can be short on anyway. What makes me feel pressure is when the day is dragging on, and I can see the minutes ticking away with little progress. One HUGE change that has helped in our family is me stopping adding more academic things to the school day. I used to do this and realized it made my dc not able to do their best on their HOD work, and it also made the day drag on for us. I am thinking BHFHG is enough for your 9 yo already, so I guess I'd cut out the IEW for sure, put the extension books in a basket for free reading for her to do at her quiet time or for night reading for fun, and cut down on your math time each day (maybe setting the timer for just 30 minutes and whatever she gets done, she gets done). I am not sure what FFL 4 is? Is it a grammar program? If so, either setting the timer for that and stopping wherever you are when it rings, or switching to something that takes less time may help. Or, if it's an extra, just stopping it or making it an optional thing for her would work.

Another huge help in our house is the timer. We set it for the time increment a box should take, and we try to finish it within that time. It has helped for me to sit right by my child (my eeyore child ) and keep him on track and moving along briskly. Here are the approximate time increments for BHFHG:
viewtopic.php?f=12&t=702
Overall, BHFHG should take around 3 to 3 1/2 hours a day to do. That ballpark time really helped me figure out how to schedule my day.

I can be a perfectionist. I found that I was expecting too much sometimes, or expecting my dc to do a project like I would (which would probably be over the top in some way) . Or, I was expecting them to do their 100% best all of the time, or I wasn't happy. I've learned to lighten up. We keep the attitude of "we enjoy school, but we keep it moving along at a brisk, intentional pace". You maybe don't share this same struggle as me. But, just in case you might, I though I'd share my struggles with it.

I know each family has to make decisions about what they will and will not participate in. We've figured out less is more - being involved in just a few things worked better than being involved in a bunch. It sounds like dd is involved in swimming, piano, and possibly a homeschool coop? Only you will know if that's too much, but from my past experience, the volunteer position in the homeschool group for you is setting off a few alarms in my mind. Not sure if this is a heavy load or not, but if it is, you may want to lessen your commitment there if you can. I used to love to volunteer to do many things related to a Bible study, but it came to a point that it was too much and I had to give it up to be able to be home and enjoy homeschooling my own dc. I agonized over it for a long time, but once I made the decision, everything changed for the better for me and our homeschooling. Someone else took my place volunteering within a year, and they did alright without me. Again, maybe this was just my struggle, but in case it could be yours as well, I thought I'd share. It doesn't sound like the swimming or piano are too much, but if they are you could limit those as well.

Well, I'm trying to give some practical advice here, but from the heart - I get stressed too. It's not easy homeschooling. However, when we are feeling guilty, sad, tense about it more than we are feeling any joy with it, it helps me to cut, cut, cut out of my day and get back to the basics. I hope something here helps - please, please, please don't be too hard on yourself here. It is so evident your dd (and ds's) are blessed to have you as their mom - so loving, caring, and willing to take time to consider how to give them the best. You are doing a good job!!! Just a few changes can make a world of difference. I pray you'll know what would help the most.

In Christ,
Julie

[ncmomof5]

That is great advice, Julie, and I appreciate being able to "listen in." We had a tough day yesterday, and I needed to be reminded of the importance of prioritizing. We all try to do too much, and beat ourselves up when we can't get it all done.

Thanks for taking the time to answer this question. It was a blessing to me.

In His love,
RuthAnn

PS I have an Eeyore, too, and she is my oldest dd. Yesterday she took FOREVER on a science project. I tried to encourage her to move quicker. In a completely innocent way, she said, "You want me to be sloppy?" To her, moving things along and not agonizing over every little thing is equal to doing it sloppily. I feel your pain, Treewin.

[MommyInTraining]

If she is only 9, and already in Epsilon, I would not be feeling behind in math!!! Epsilon would be around 5th grade if you consider Alpha for 1st.

If she is having frustration with staying on task perhaps workboxes would help in that area. I am trying to implement them this year and I think they are going to help the children feel more in control of their workload and not feel like I am always tell them do this and this and this .

I agree with Julie about trying to do too much extra. I think a lot of us homeschool moms can relate to that area. We want the very best for our children and feel like we need to do just a little more to make sure they are getting enough. I am trying to work on that area also .

One other thing that is helpful for us in the area of jobs around the house and maintaining healthy habits is Miracle Music. You can check it out at http://www.childrensmiraclemusic.com.

[Treewin]

Thanks for your kind words everyone. I actually need to clarify before I keep thinking this through. My profile is old and my daughter is in fifth grade and 10 and a half years old. My son (7 years old) is quickly pullling up behind her mostly because of the resistant attitude she has. I just spent several months (and part of the summer) getting her up to speed for the school year. I am not that worried about my middle, just my oldest and my youngest who gets no time with me (he is 4 years old). Most of the math she can do but decides one a day that she can't so therefore she ... can't. And she tends to forget large chuncks of knowledge when we take time off (like Thanksgiving and Christmas). One year she lost approximately half a grade between Thanksgiving and New Year. (Every year for the past four years, in January, I have had to teach her again how to subtract with borrowing and renaming....she just forgets it!) I know that these next few months will be a time of disorder for me and she will lose ground as a result so this is as far along relatively as we will be this year. I had hoped to have more covered by now so she and I could have a peaceful fall without feeling like we had to do school every single day. But now I have to keep it up just when I thought that I was going to have some freedom to take the needed time off. (a day here a day there)

FFL 4 is First Language Lessons.....I think it is a fourth grade grammar. I plan on doing R&S grade 5 next year (when she is 6th grade) which is not too far off the mark. That was a pleasant surprise for me last month. And I praised her well for it! Her spelling is AAS level three.....and she spells like a third grader. So we are way behind on that one.

I do have to look at the activities that we do and reconsider them but I also want to make sure that she has enough social contacts as well. If it was me I would just stay home until we got to a place of comfort in our year but she gets sullen when she is at home too much. And I understand that she needs that. I just do not want to go out if we are going to bring home sickness and lose a week just like we did this week. I cannot afford that.

So, I guess I'm saying "I am not where I had planned and she is a bit behind and how do I manage now that my energy levels are gong into hibernation and we will lose even more ground"? Ruth Ann...it is helpful that you could identify with these feelings.....sometimes I feel like I am the only one with a discontented child. And it is about everything not just school....so stopping homeschooling is not going to be an answer.

Thanks for your kindness! I know this is not a cheery post but any tips would be really helpful right now.

[Tansy]

Treewin
I don't know If i can offer any Practical advice. I can say I understand your frustrations. My India child is every much like yours, but even further behind. She has many symptoms of RAD (Reactionary Adoption Disorder) on top of sensory Issues, audio processing, the list goes on. Due to the RAD I put her in P/S "for a season" as every thing I read up on it said Home schooling was just not an option that worked well. You look up homeschooling in a RAD book and its usually a paragraph long stating "Don't do it."

I have found that giving her that freedom of choice (p/s) has turned her attitude around. I understand their need for social activities or they become donkeys sitting on their behinds.

I have gotten My India child help via a Nuro-developmental approach. Sloppiness, laziness, messiness, she has them all, can't work alone, is not a self starter. The list goes on and on. One thing the therapist said to me which helped hugely!! is "She can learn! she has learned! Only she can't express it at her age level of 10 years old. Think of her expressive abilities as a 3-4 year old. Now use that as your measuring stick if you can't expect it of a a 3-4 year old then don't expect it of her." As she progresses though her therapy her expressive abilities will grow and then I can change my measuring stick.

I can't tell you the number of times I have said to My dd1 "what are you 3? Your acting like a 4 year old, act your age. You realize you sound just like a 2 year old when you have a temper tantrum" But when the tests came back I could see she has a 10 year old brain, but her brain is so disorganized she cannot express herself they way she wants to and then it frustrated her, and Me! So lately I just been using that advice as my filter and wow I'm suddenly not annoyed or frustrated anymore.

I have to admit When I was struggling with this issue And really crying out to God Why? God why is she this way? I suddenly realized God gave me This Child to raise into a Godly Woman so He must think I can Do it, and He will give me what I need to be able TO DO IT God believes in Me and will equip me and I think he believes in you too.

There is hope:
Today I told her to clean her room.. usually that means she starts, gets distracted and plays with toys, then gets in trouble for messing up her room more. So I left her alone for 15 min. It was too quiet you know that sound.. So dd2 and I decided to spy on her and if she was playing we were gonna be goofy and get her back on track with silliness not discipline. But to our Amazement we peeked around the corner and Her Room was CLEAN and she was taking the dirty laundry to laundry room!!!!! So we gave her a big hand of applause instead. I think the Therapy is working.

[my3sons]

I can feel your pain here, and I want you to encourage you that I agree with Tansy that God wants you to raise this dd and that He is going to equip you to do that. We've had a lot of attitude around here as of late. Nothing to do with HOD, but more with chores, sharing, listening, etc. It's exhausting, but it's also part of parenting - and I know I have to depend on God each day to even know what to do much less have the energy to do it. I've found the best practical advice for me from others has been the kind that I can depend on me to do. For example, when I've been totally overwhelmed with something, it's not practical advice for me to have my dh help with it. He is gone a lot and sees homeschooling completely as my responsibility. I'm not complaining here - it's just the way it is. So, here's some practical advice that you can personally do:

*pray specifically about this daughter every day - God is faithful and will help - maybe even start each day with prayer with her personally in a private manner, like you are tackling this together
*streamline her day as much as possible, doing away with extras when you can
*set the timer for her and be her advocate to help her finish things in a timely manner
*try to have an encouraging attitude of helping her move her forward rather than catching her up; this is soooo hard - I know! I struggled with this with my premie firstborn who had a very hard time with pretty much all "firsts" skills
*begin training her to use the manual and check off boxes as she completes them

I hope something here can help, but I will pray for you and for her. Parenting definitely has ups and downs, and homeschooling really high-lights those since we are with our dc pretty much all of the time. I am praying for encouragement for you and for her, and knowing God is a big and powerful God who can take control of this and lead! Keep moving forward one step at a time - I'm giving myself this same advice daily!

In Christ,
Julie

[my3sons]

Today I told her to clean her room.. usually that means she starts, gets distracted and plays with toys, then gets in trouble for messing up her room more. So I left her alone for 15 min. It was too quiet you know that sound.. So dd2 and I decided to spy on her and if she was playing we were gonna be goofy and get her back on track with silliness not discipline. But to our Amazement we peeked around the corner and Her Room was CLEAN and she was taking the dirty laundry to laundry room!!!!! So we gave her a big hand of applause instead. I think the Therapy is working.

I'm celebrating with you today, Tansy! This is applause worthy, and I think it was a gift of encouragement from the Lord.

In Christ,
Julie