What to do when you dc takes too long in her subjects..

[playschool]

I have a dd who takes quite long to do her individual subjects each day. She takes unusually long in most subjects. I have used a timer for her which works quite well, but it does not motivate her to go any faster. She just ends up doing it all for homework at the end of the school day which can take her from 1-2 and a half hours. It is not that she is incapable of doing the work. She is in 6th grade and using Preparing. She has always struggled in this area. It seems like I always have to push her to get a job done in a reasonable amount of time. It was this way when she was in school and now in homeschool. It is just really frustrating and I do not know how to deal with it. I've thought of cutting down her workload but when I do that she ends up thinking she has all the time in the world and then takes even longer. Then, I think, wow, I should've just gave her the normal amount of work instead of cutting down her workload. It is not that she does not understand things, she dawdles(that's one problem) and is so much of a perfectionist with OCD tendencies that if she thinks she has the time she will read and re-read over just to make sure she understands everything to the umpteenth degree. I try to tell her that it is not necessary that we understand EVERYTHING and in every way but obviously that makes no difference in her behaviour. I even tried to substitute using Easy Grammar instead of Rod and Staff thinking that it would save her a lot of time but it seems that she takes almost as long on that than on the Rod and Staff. What would you do in my situation? Would you use rewards or punishments? I just need some advice. Thanks!

[water2wine]

Just off the top of my head I think I would handle it a bit differently with your child. The reason is you mention it is because they are having that perfectionist thing going on. I think I would work on helping them to understand the directions and what is acceptable for fulfilling them. I might lay it out this is what this says and it should take you this long to do it and we are not going to worry about this and that (whatever it is they worry about that slows them down). Then I would praise heavily for getting it done on time. I am just saying that I might come at it a little differently because if it is a OCD type of thing then there is probably some anxiety maybe involved and I would not want to increase that.

I have one that dawdles and it is because things are a challenge for her. Not that she can't do it but she tends to either do it quickly without reading directions and it is all wrong or she procrastinates (now keep in mind I know that she is capable of the work and on the correct level). She also had pride issues in that she did not want to ask for help to save her life. So now she reads the directions to me before she does the work. She has to show me the first couple of problems so I know she is on track and her school is not done until I see it all. So that means no play until I see it is all done. Other thing is I close my school at 3:00 sometimes it closes later but never later than 5 and if you do not come for help and your work is not done there are consequences. Usually you miss the fun that happens after school and you go to bed earlier.

Anyway for what it is worth that is what I can think of off the top of my head. I know you will get other great advice. Hang in there you will find the thing that works for you. I know how frustrating it can be.

[my3sons]

This is a great question. I have a child with these tendencies - though the perfectionist quality is not at the root of his problem, his is more distractibility. The timer has helped my ds immensely (as well as other things I'm doing to decrease things that would distract him - but those wouldn't apply to your situation.) It sounds like you are already doing the timer, which is good. One thing that helps my oldest ds when he and I are having a disagreement about how to go about doing something in school is to explain the purpose of the activity. Today, we just had this kind of thing come up. We were doing the research in CTC, and he wanted to just spout off some answers he happened to know beforehand. I explained that I still wanted him to look in some additional resources for his research (like Wikipedia, his Bible, or the Ancients Encyclopedia I have). This upset him. He wanted to only rely on his Reading about History title. I finally explained that the entire purpose of this activity was for him to prove to me that he could use various resources to research answers to questions, and to learn something new in the process. This clicked for him, and he used the resources then more readily and had better answers. I wonder if something like this would help dd? Maybe you could have a markerboard with priorities for completing an assignment to a standard? For example, maybe it could look like this:
1. Finish this assignment in 20 minutes (set the timer).
2. Write only 5 complete sentences.
3. Color pictures neatly.

I'm just trying to give an example here, but you could even assign point values if you wanted. Weighting it according to what you are most wanting her to do at the time. If it is most important for her to learn to manage her time well right now, you could give 30 points for finishing the assignment on time, 10 for writing the complete sentences, and 10 for coloring the pictures neatly. You could then grade based on that. Perhaps that will help her see that this is a habit most important to be forming right now. If you think this would totally stress her out and be a negative, then please don't do this, but if it could convey that it's important to manage time well for now, then that would be good. I hope something here helps. I know how frustrating character traits like perfectionism, or distractibility, etc. can be - I have dc with those tendencies as well, but I guess as least we get to be the ones to work through it with them, which is a good thing in the end.

In Christ,
Julie

[Kathleen]

playschool - I was actually going to post this same question (in a little different circumstance) today! (So obviously I'm not full of advice for you... ) But, I'm in the same boat.

I decided on Tuesday that I feel like the minute-hoarding mom on the cell phone commercials. Only I'm not trying to save them for our cell phone, but I really want Grant to get that our time is a precious gift from God that he gets ONE chance to use!!

Our situations are alike in that we have a schedule and I use a timer. He though will take a really long time to do things. And he happily completes them after school is to be done. But, I want him using the time during school and using his free time to do outside/creative things...other really important non-academic things. In our situation, he was doing great for the first 4 weeks of school! And then in the last 3, things have begun a slide back to not finishing during the allotted time. I would say the main problem is lack of focus. I've removed distractions as much as possible for him. (I take the little kids upstairs to do school so he's not tempted to just sit and listen to us.) He does erase way too much while he's writing and wants it to be "just so", but I don't think I am dealing with any real perfectionism like you have. (A little I'm sure, but nothing over the top.) Mostly he just has a lot going in his mind. He's full of wonderful ideas that he freely shares...he just isn't focusing on what he's supposed to be focusing on.

So, I'm asking too...any great ideas for helping get this very important habit established? I've been racking my brain trying to think of what reward/consequence would really help illustrate the importance of using the time God gives us wisely. Last night Mike and I were talking about it, and I think this coming week we're going to try making a jar and putting the verse about "redeeming our time" on it. Then, we're going to let him put a dime in for each box that he finishes in the appropriate amount of time. The money will go to buy spray paint for his tree house. In a couple of weeks we were planning on letting him have a friend over to paint his tree house...so if he has enough $ he'll be set.

I'm thinking that I could use Julie's point system in a similar way, too. I like that you could let them know that their good efforts are positive with that while still emphasizing the importance of getting it done in a timely manner. Grant's work that takes too long to do is always of wonderful quality. He's just not focusing on it when he's supposed to.

Kathleen

[water2wine]

I did think of one thing I did that worked wonderfully when I had issues with my other kids. It has long since been fixed since I did this with every child but my child with learning disabilities. She sometimes still gets it when I know it is attitude related and not capability related. It is a simple exchange system. It is called you waste my time I get your time back. So if you make school go until 5:00 because you were not behaving, dawdling or any reason other than you did not have the skill to get it done, then I get 2 hours from you on my time because school ends in my house by 3:00. That usually involves cleaning or doing something that I could have been doing with my time in those two hours. And I make it a big something that I was dreading doing not just a simple chore. I promise you that you will only have to use this system once or twice and it will never be an issue again. You may need to remind but as soon as they are reminded they will remember how they lost their time. It's the mean mommy way but it works and in truth I think it is fair. School has to have an end and a start to have a normal life. You could never stay an extra couple hours in ps just becasue you did not feel like doing the work right then. Just another little system to throw in the hopper.

[playschool]

Thank you Julie, Water2wine, and Kathleen! I really do like the idea of awarding points, or earning money for a job done on time. I am going to have to talk to my dh and we will have to try to think of a reward system similar to these things and try to reward her with something that would really motivate her. I have thought about Water2wine's suggestion of using negative reinforcement, but I think I will hold onto that for last resort. Although I am going to mention that suggestion to my dh as well. He may just think that is the way to go with her. You have given me some things to chew on. If you think of anything else, let me know. I do not like to have lonnngg school days. Thanks again, ladies. As always, you have been an encouragement.

[mamaloves4]

Hi Playschool!

I love all your responses you have gotten. I have one dd with perfectionist/anxiety issues and another dd with distraction issues. We have tried many things as well and I am going to keep these ideas in my head for future use. I do want to share one thing we have used with my oldest dd. We talked about her tendency to perfectionism in the light of Jesus. We discussed how it is impossible for us to be perfect, only Jesus is perfect. We did discuss that it is okay to strive for our best work, but perfection is not a feasible goal because if we were perfect then we would not need Jesus, which would totally undermine the power of His death and resurrection. That has seemed to help her gain perspective. I also told her I didn't want/expect perfect work and that I like/expect mistakes because she is a child and she is not Jesus. I also explained that mistakes are not negative things, they are merely things to learn from. This has helped and she is loosening up with her perfectionism and we do not have Niagara Falls if something is not up to her standard! Anyway, that is something that has helped my dd to see it differently.
As for our dd who is easily distracted. I allow her to begin school a half an hour to 40 min. later than her sister, this gives her time to dawdle/be distracted, but when school begins that ends. How? Well, last year when I was working on this, I couldn't leave her side and offered gentle reminders each time I saw her gazing off into the distance--which was quite often! Now this year I do not have to be right near her, she does a pretty good time of regulating herself, and a gentle reminder from me as I walk around seems to get her back on track. My point with this is, my dd seems to be less distracted/dawdling during school if I give her extra time in the morning. anyway, these are just ideas. I hope you figure something out soon! My prayers are with you,
Jess

[water2wine]

I have thought about Water2wine's suggestion of using negative reinforcement, but I think I will hold onto that for last resort. Although I am going to mention that suggestion to my dh as well.

I told you it was the mean mommy way. But it will work of other systems do not. God will show you the best way for your child. Julie had the good point that you get to be the one to work through their issues with them and that is the blessing.

[Tansy]

I told you it was the mean mommy way. But it will work of other systems do not. Go

Water2wine you crack me up! I have to give kudos to the you waste my time.. you pay me back in time Method.. it does work. I used to use tokens, in addition to the wasting time method. If She actually accomplished something On time! O My darling distractible dawdler. I gave her a token redeemable for 15 of Screen time* or .25¢ Tokens are used on demand. If it's her free time and she wants it the timer comes out and she gets it. Now most days the TV is off. webkinz is only played with tokens. Wii is sometimes family game night. But normally to turn the TV on you gotta have a token or 25¢ in this house. I used to take tokens away if she wasted my time but, I figured out that is counterproductive.

I think of it as the carrot and the rod method.
*Screen time is TV, Wii, or Webkinz.

I was thinking about how your dd dawdles even if it is easy... I wonder how much attention does she get for dawdling? Mine is an attention seeker negative or positive. And well negative is way easier to get. If she is going for the "rise in Mommy" Try your best to not react. Set a timer if its not done set it aside and move on. Don't mention it just have a pat "oh finish it later" comment. Do praise hugely any success but iggy daweling and don't redirect her after a bit. Until the work is done, no play time etc.

I have to admit My dd1 did this to disrupt school and she didn't complete her work. So one weekend after a week long struggle I made up a huge long list of chores, washing windows, mopping, laundry, cleaning under beds, washing walls, washing counter doors, cleaning the drip pan under the fridge, weeding etc. And the first time she did serious dawdling during school, I gently asked her if she didn't want to do school.. when she said no I DONT! I said Ok then you can work for a living. Change into your grubbys... and for 4 days She was a "child laborer" till she asked if we could do school again. (I had a really clean house... giggle... while I sat around and read books, I didn't even maker her lunch) Parenting should be fun.

[water2wine]

She was a "child laborer" till she asked if we could do school again. (I had a really clean house... giggle... while I sat around and read books, I didn't even maker her lunch) Parenting should be fun.

It should be fun shouldn't it. And I want joyous kids that love school. Sometimes that does take some discipline. It's really discipleship, teaching them the truth of life that joy is a choice and work has to get done. In the end if they embrace that they are happier. I have attitude problems with my kids just like everyone else but most of the time they do work joyfully and especially when it comes to school. But it was hard work getting there at times. I will tell you one more mean mommy thing. I don't make lunch. I rotate it on the chore chart. But it is not a punishment. It is a privileged to be the "chef". I gave them a choice to make the same thing for everyone or take orders and they actually chose to take orders. So on their lunch week the kids that are old enough to do it make lunch, taking orders first, and then get this they actually clean up after themselves because the person who is on lunch is also on counters. And you would not believe this but they actually like to be the "chef". It's all how you sell it. See they do not know I am a mean mommy because I never told them. They actually tell me I am the best mommy in the world. Can you believe it.