Struggling....

[Marty D]

Hey everyone,

This is a little off topic I guess, but I just wanted you women to pray for me. I am really struggling right now, and I am not sure I can put my finger on why. I started Beyond and LHTH back at the end of the school year, hoping to go through the summer with my 2 boys. As summer got busier and busier, I found that I could not keep up, so I decided just to wait it out. Last week I started getting back into it. My oldest ds has ADHD and has been diagnosed PDD-NOS. Currently, he is not on any meds, but I am struggling with that. He loves when I read to him and will act out the stories as I read. So a lot of HOD really fits our needs. However, at some point, he has to write, and he has to read, and he has to do math and language arts. He really wanted to do some computer work, so I got him SOS for math and language arts. However, it is taking us up to 1 1/2 or 2 hrs to finish them because he just can't focus. I sit right beside him and work with him, or we would NEVER get it done. He is super smart, knows the right answers, just easily distracted.

Here in lies another problem. I am using so much time on him, I have a hard time getting everything in with kid #2. My second ds is only in kindergarten this year, and I don't want to push him. He is very reluctant to do anything, and I do not want to turn him off of learning. However, I am being pushed by family members to make sure that he has school everyday, and in the mean time I am getting frustrated. Is it wrong of me to think that it is ok for him to just take it easy this year. Get what we get done done, and let him catch up when he is ready. He only makes the cut off on age by a few days, and in NC he is not required to be registered til he is 7, so I am not breaking any law by not forcing him to sit for an hour and "do school".

Of course, in the middle of all this is son number 3, who is only 2, but wants to be involved in everything, or at least in the center of attention. My house is a mess, my nerves are frazzled, and in the middle of it all, my diet plan is on vacation. I know that many of you survive all this and more. I read about your 25 kids, and your schedule, and I sit in amazement. Maybe one of you could come and give me lessons. When I talk to moms (even some homeschool moms) about feeling overwhelmed, I most often get the answer that I should send at least the oldest to school. I don't feel like that is an option. I want to homeschool, and I want to do it right, but I am feeling like a failure. I honestly believe this is what God has for our family right now. So I guess I just need some prayer.

Ok, I have bored all of you long enough....thanks for listening to my rant.

[eazbnsmom]

Hi Martha,

I am so sorry to hear how you are struggling. I did something that will probably "shock" most people. Of my 4 school age children......my youngest who is in Kindergarten now is the only one who I have scheduled a full year of Kindergarten for.....and that is only because I am doing LHFHG (just discovered HOD this year) where I can easily schedule him alongside his brother. My older 3 have never had a full year of Kindergarten, yet they are right where they should be academically (well my 2nd is a little behind on reading, but she was just not ready sooner it had nothing to do with skipping K). So I would definitely say yes you can take it easy this year with Kindergarten. I would include him with the younger on LHTH when you able and if he is ready work with him on doing a little reading. You are only accountable to your husband and God (and the state of NC at age 7+) no one else. Don't let the pressure and influence of others steal your joy and distract you from what you believe is the right thing for your family.

Praying for peace of mind (and body) and wisdom.

[inHistiming]

Martha,
Oh, have I been in your shoes! I don't have kids the same ages as yours, but I have often felt like a failure along this homeschool journey. It's easy to second-guess your plans, especially when you have family or friends telling you to do something different. However, I have had to steel myself against these people. Many times they mean well...say things out of love for the kids and mom...but they do not know God's plan for your life. You are the only one, along with hubby, who can decide if this is the right choice for your family. Often people are afraid of what they don't know, and homeschooling is a relatively new thing. My own mom has said several times that she feels my son needs to be in school so he can be around other boys...and it hurts to hear her say that, even after she saw SAT scores and knows how well he is doing...but I had to tell her I don't want him to learn how to be a boy from other boys! I want him to learn to be a man from the best man in his life...his dad. As Christians we often have to go against the flow, even the flow of other Christians. God's call is not the same for everyone, as I'm sure you agree. I just want to be an encouragement to you, that you are not alone. We are here for you, to offer advice and encouragement, and to help you find solutions to your specific problems.

I personally feel is it fine to let your ds in Kindergarten relax a bit. If he doesn't even have to 'attend school' until he's 7, there's no reason to push him. This will allow you to focus on your older son, hopefully getting him into a good routine and working on his attention issues. I know it's hard to have family telling you to do school with him every day...maybe next time they say that you could ask if they'd like to come over each day and help. That might shut them up, or it might actually spur them on to help you and actually see what it's like in your homeschool. You can feel free to do work with him when it works best for you...maybe 3 days a week, or just an hour a day, etc. Think about what would work best, and try that. If it doesn't work, you can always re-adjust in some areas.

As for our schedules and everything working perfectly for us, I think everyone here would agree with me that it looks PERFECT on paper! Actual implementation of the schedule with multiple children is a challenge. It's easy to look at what others do, and begin comparing ourselves. I've done that so much myself. Some people are more easily 'scheduled' than others. Many of us here do struggle with scheduling and getting the house clean, dinner made, spending enough time with each child, etc. I think one thing we all have in common is HOD and that it's all laid out for us. It just makes it easier to get things done, not easy.

I guess my main point is that if you feel called to homeschool, don't give up, even in the face of adversity! Don't let others tell you how to raise your kids. There are good things about listening to others and weighing their opinions and advice, using their wisdom. But ultimately, God will lead you in the right direction. I think you know in your heart what the best decision is for you...and even knowing that, it is completely normal to question yourself. That's our nature...but you can overcome and prevail in this endeavor. I believe in you...you can do it! I will pray for you right now, that God will give you peace, allow you to close your ears to anything that stumbles you in trying to follow his lead, and that He will help you find solutions to your specific issues.

I know some others will come on and offer their encouragement and advice. I look forward to getting to know you here. Keep asking your questions; everyone here is very helpful, and we all love to lift each other up!

[water2wine]

Martha,

I have a daughter with CP so I can completely understand your frustration. And I understand about the extra time taking from the others. And I understand about family trying to push you to put your children back in school. I was even called a bad wife and mother for not doing that. First please do not listen to them. Your call is from the Lord and not from men. Also please know that if you have struggles with your child I can almost guarantee they will be lost in ps. And yes sometimes you have to take it slow and just focus on getting one skill or two skills as the main goal. I am looking at what you have picked for your children and I am thinking the 7 year old with ADHD and the PDD-NOS is doing Beyond. Honestly I am thinking in my head that maybe Beyond would maybe be a bit much for him if focusing and skills are lower. One thing I have really learned is while they are picking up reading, LA and Math basics is not the time to move too fast. If they have processing skills and delays it throws them for a loop. I think if I were in your position I might either put Beyond into half speed mode and have very clear guidelines on how much time you are going to take with each. I may alternate Math and LA and cut the reading in half to make two days. And then I might break up the reading so that you are either doing History or Science each day to cut down on the reading time. Or even go back and consider using LHFHG instead of Beyond this year and save Beyond for next year.

Martha what you are feeling is normal. Can I be honest? The absolute hardest time in your Mommy teaching career with your son is probably now. It's hardest for him and hardest for you. I am by nature not a less is more person. I am more is more. But in this case less is more. I really want to encourage you that your child at this point will learn more with less. Give him time to mature and right now enjoy Beyond but take the time to learn the Basic skills. I think if it takes you two years to do Beyond that is perfectly fine and if he is not up for Beyond I would go ahead and take him back to LHFHG (you will use it with your little one anyway. I might look at placement again and just see if taking a step back in some way might be good. But I would not stop. You will lose skills he already has by stopping. I found for my dd that alternating LA and Math was really important when we are stuck and frustration is high. Then setting very strong boundaries of this is the amount of time that I have to work with you on it and after that you are on your own. Sounds horrible but I found she would drag things out for ever just to have my attention and get things done much easier if she understood we had a time limit. Make sure fist though that your time limit is reasonable for them and their ability on an average day.

Last thing, tune out all the negative comments, repeat after me, "My call is from The Lord". That is my sanity mantra. Biggest thing I have not said but this is the most important. I have a prayer that is wonderful. It goes like this, "Lord teach me to see them as you see them, to teach them as you would have me, and to love them as you love them." Then if there is something specific like please show me why we are not getting _______ and how to get________. This is number one to success of being able to do more than just survive.

Hang in there. I am praying for you!

[inHistiming]

Bumping up for Carrie,and others, to see.

[Carrie]

Martha,

The ladies have done an excellent job of helping and encouraging you, and they are so right! I am just wondering if you could clarify for me which aged child is using which program?

Also, for your son who's struggling with SOS, I would stop that entirely. One and a half hours a day at the computer is tough on any kiddo, especially boys who need to move every 15 minutes or so. Since you have "Beyond...", I would use the spelling lessons, the gentle grammar lessons every 5th day, the Emerging Reader schedule (if your son is ready for that) or one of the phonics programs we have instead. Keep the lessons short - 15 minutes or less.

If you can switch to singapore math, using the placement test to place him correctly, I would. Basically, your reading and math are bogging down your day and causing much pain and frustration. If you fix those, and get your time allotments more in line with your kiddo's age and needs, your day will improve greatly.

I'm not saying that you MUST follow all of HOD's recommendations to make "Beyond..." work, but too much time spent on language arts and math is a very common problem that will drain the life out of your school day. I speak from experience, because we did it with my first son!

If you get a chance to pop back in and give us your thoughts that would be great!

Blessings,
Carrie

[Marty D]

Thanks so much for your suggestions. I will try to clarify where we are since I was not clear when I wrote before. My oldest son (who is is in Beyond. My middle son is almost 5 and we are coasting along in LTHT. I then have a 2 year old also. Nathanael (my oldest) has a very hard time writing, so that is one reason that SOS seemed to be a good choice for us. I think part of the problem with SOS is so much repetition, and I do not have the freedom to skip problems. If something is easy, it is boring. We were starting multiplication before we stopped for the summer, and now he is reviewing things that are just far too easy. I think setting time limits for my attention would help too. I will probably also look into changing math and language arts also. It always takes us a long time to get through those things (even in other programs), and I have had to sit beside him to keep him on task. I am hoping to work on a reward system to give him some extra motivation to finish.

Many of the things he does in HOD, like being read to, he loves. The hands on stuff he loves. He would do science and history all day. But writing an original sentence....putting a pencil to paper....sitting down...these are some of the things that cause us grief. He does love to read....but not to me. We are doing emerging readers currently, and he is doing ok with them. He does complain sometimes if it takes too long, but he is getting better.

Honestly, I am a believer in HOD. I chose to do a few things differently because I thought it might be helpful. I see now that maybe that was a mistake. HOD is really not the problem...it is just learning what I need to do, and how to do it well. I know that God has blessed me with kids that are smart, and have lots of energy. Please don't feel like I am complaining. I struggle with feelings of failure with them anyway. I am trying to remember that Nathanael tested above grade level in most everything last year except language arts and spelling. I know he is getting it...it is just I don't see it on a daily basis, when we are struggling getting through the day.

I am working on the praying specifically for areas that we are struggling with is something I need to work on. I forget that God knows and cares about all of my problems. Even just how to get through a day of school.

Thanks for all your support.

[water2wine]

Martha,

Please know that nobody thinks you are complaining. It is a completely different ball game teaching a child that struggles. It makes it much tougher. You are just a mom that wants to get it right for their child and their specific needs. In my book that makes you a good mommy. I think Carrie saw the big thing with maybe the Math and LA being the issue. Please let us know how it goes with a few changes. You have a lot of support here so don't feel bad for taking advantage of it. Sometimes we all need it. I know I do. Hang in there. You are not failing. You are just adjusting and that is something the ps system does not do very well. I think I had to use four phonics programs for my dd until I finally realized let's take what works and get rid of the rest. But it was so worth it. You are going to find that HOD for Math and LA really help. Hang in there and let us know how it is going. We are all in this
together.

[MamaMary]

Dearest Marty,

I totally understand your frustration. I have four sons, three of which have different learning differences. My oldest son has ADD. He is not hyper but in the past, if I had not sat there with him, it just didn't get done or a short lesson would take hours. Let me tell you what I have found...,

When I start to feel nervous, I remember Jeremiah 29:11..., "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." In moments when I would begin to feel "fear" or "frustration", I would hang onto this verse. I would remind myself that God doesn't make mistakes. It's not a surprise to Him that my Brandon had ADD or that my Colton had CAPD/VPD or that my Jacob had mild autism and CAPD. God is going to use those things in their lives to draw them closer to Him. He is going to use those things to draw me (mom) closer to Him and He is going to use those things to accomplish his plans for my children. Not in SPITE of them, but because of them! He will be glorified and at the end of my children's lives it will be these things that refined them for the Kingdom.

You are in the learning curve of using HOD. Learning curves are the pits and yet they can be fun. As long as we don't aim for perfection, but set aside time to allow us to figure out how to use the program in our homes.

My dear friend Andrea has a son with significant ADHD. I know the things she has found to help:

1- Prayer! Honestly and Consistently crying out to the Lord!

2- Timer! They have special ones you can buy for ADHD children that are large with big lights that start to climb up higher as time is going to run out.

3- Routine w/ Reward! Her Josh will thrive in routine and when he finishes his task by the timer he gets rewards. (Video Games, Computer Games, longer outside time)

4- Realistic Expectations. It's hard when you have a child that doesn't have ADHD because then your ADHD child isn't measuring up. She had to change her expectations.

5- Clean Diet.

6- Just this year she began meds. This was a very difficult decision, and one that only you and your husband can make.

Dear Marty, hide in the shadow of your Father and He will give you HIS wisdom, HIS direction and HIS guidance for your family. (((Warm WARM Embrace)))

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young...., Isaiah 40:11

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint....., Isaiah 40:28-31

[Vicki]

Mary,

You cannot begin to know how much your post has touched me this morning. I know it was intended for Marty, but I feel it was written for me. I have been struggling with some of the same issues--having a special needs child and trying to make everything work the way I want it to be. But I can see in God's great picture, He is the one in control, and this morning after crying out to him for help and guidance I found your uplifting post. Praise God! He has already spoken to me through you.

Bless you!

[Matt'sMom]

I am praying for you.

Durea

[Carrie]

Marty,

I'm so glad that the ladies are doing a wonderful job of giving you just what you need right now, which is encouragement! Forgive me if my previous post was too matter-of-fact. In my zeal for the facts, I can forget the needed empathy!

All of us worry at times that we are not doing enough or the right thing for our kiddos. Sometimes that is the Lord helping nudge us toward a needed change. At other times, it is just our enemy, Satan, trying to tear us down!

It sounds like you work very hard to give your little sweetie the best in his education and that you are a very caring heartfelt person. Too much time spent on language arts and math is a very common concern among homeschoolers. At our house, we found it could steal our joy of homeschooling, if we weren't careful with how much time those subjects were actually taking us each day. I glimpsed that in your situation which prompted my response. I know there is not just one "right way" to homeschool, and I do value each family's right to choose which pieces of which curriculum best suits their needs. Please accept my apologies if I have overstepped!

Blessings,
Carrie

[Marty D]

Carrie, please don't feel bad. I know that you know so much about this, and your experience is appreciated. I have stepped back the last couple of days, and tried to re evaluate what I need to do. I had to have some oral surgery (nothing major) yesterday, and so I used that day to kind of think about what I needed to do, and how I could change things.

It is hard not to use material that I recently payed over $100 for,(2 subjects in SOS) but it is not the first time I have had to change in the middle of a curriculum. In fact, it took me three different tries before I found something that worked to start him reading. I was just about to give up when I found the one that worked. In one week he went from hating reading, to telling people it was his favorite subject. I say that because I know with him it is just sometimes a matter of finding the one curriculum that "thinks" like him. That is one of the many reasons I have been so impressed with HOD history and science. He loves the way it is set up.

I have started a new program with him on writing. It is actually called scribble to scribe, and it is a pre writing curriculum. He "knows" how the letter should look, but he is really poor at actually forming it. This program is a multi sensory approach to writing (uses music), and so I am giving it a try. He does other writing, but we are trying to get the mechanics. I think if he could write more comfortably, it would help us get through his work faster.

So here is one more question....anyone know anything about a program called Focus2Learn. It is a DVD set of activities that are supposed to increase attention. I am wondering if anyone knows anyone who has tried it. It is a bit expensive, but it comes with therapy balls (large and small), 2 dvds, cones, and a reference guide. I was thinking of having all the kids do it.

Ok, well I am going to go. I have to find something to feed the kiddos. Thanks again for all your help. I will be looking into Singapore Math. And I will keep you all posted on what I am doing and how it works.
Anyway, again thanks for all your encouragement. You are all so good at it. You are my heroes....and I want to be just like you when I grow up. LOL

[water2wine]

Martha,

I just wanted to add this encouragement to you. It is very normal to have to try several different things in the areas of Math and LA for kids who learn differently or have special needs. I have even experienced having something work sometimes and then just hitting a wall and needing to move on to something else. It
is not the same thing as curriculum jumping for entertainment sake. Sometimes it is just what you have to do to keep them learning. Sometimes I have even found the best fit for Math or LA is two things combined. When you get to the point where this just is not working like it used to switch for a bot or for good or even alternating can really help. It may be that SOS would work great later but they just need that different approach from something else to bring it together in their head. For my daughter avoidance and procrastination is something she does to try to hide from me that she is not getting it. It is like she does not want me to see what she does not know. I really think it comes from ps and hiding from the other kids.

I just want to encourage you that all of this is normal and just part of it sometimes. Or that you are doing things wrong sometimes things just don't work. It took me forever to figure out that my daughter could not work on the computer even though she is visual for her writing is the only way to make it stick so she retains it. It is just how her pathway works. And so now writing is now our trick. Hang in there you will get there. It's so normal to have frustration.

[momof2n2]

I can not improve on what wonderful things have already been shared, but I wanted to encourage you that God has this time in your life "just so," based on His perfect plan. I also want to give you "permission" [as moms don't we sometimes want that!] to have an easy Kindergarten year. Each of my two boys had easy K years. We only did the three "R"s and had lots of non-school days, too. They are both doing great, now.