Chores, helping, good attitudes...,

[sweetgrace]

I need some help. I struggle with this parenting gig, lol. My 5yo refuses to help out with anything. He is a day dreamer with a wild imagination. He would rather sit in time out then help fold laundry or help the family. He whines and complains. When he does do something that I ask him to do he takes forever and a day. I'm a get in and get it done type person so I'm having a hard time with my "stop and smell the roses" type child. How can I lead my children to be good helpers and not complain? Also, any way to speed this child up, lol? There is no sense of urgency with him. I'm afraid for his safety as he just does not move!

What should my children be able to help with at these ages, 6.5 and 5? We do not have chores for them and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. However, most of the time I just end up trying to do everything myself because it's easier than listen to the whining, back talk, and complaining! Not to mention I hate getting angry and upset over it and I feel guilty disciplining them over helping out. Can anyone relate?

[tmstranger]

I don't know that I'll be much help as I struggle with the same things and my kids are older. At least you are not alone!!

I had an eye opener one day when I visited another homeschooling friend. She has 5 kids, two of which are the same ages as mine (11 and 7) and two younger than that, one older. I arrived just after lunch and in time to see the older kids putting away and cleaning dishes, the 7yo emptying the trash (took full bag out of can, tied, and took to garage, replaced with new bag), and the 3 yo wiping down the table!!

I went home and assigned chores! Unfortunately, I'm not very consistent, but now, I KNOW they are capable of much more than I give them credit for!

As far as speeding him, not sure much will help. Some kids are just slow movers...they are designed to appreciate and enjoy all life offers! Good luck!

[StephanieU]

There are times my kids can be like that. First, I have found it helpful for them to know exactly what their "normal" chores are. They each have responsibilities related to emptying the dish washer. They each are responsible for putting away their own clothes that don't go on hangers and for helping pick up daily. The older two are responsible for pulling the garbage cans up (while the youngest and I get the mail) on garbage day. The oldest hangs up dresses and shirts (and on occasion skirts, although those can be a challenge for her since there are often a lot of them and some of our skirt hangers are difficult for her to push open). They all know how to use the small vacuum, so I can instruct them to clean up their messes. They are often asked to match socks that I then flip together. I don't have them do any other folding though, as it is faster for me just to do it.
My kids know that if they don't get something done, they won't get to do anything else until it is done. I often schedule picking up shortly before we leave the house as motivation. Or, I will "bribe" them with a show or screen time of some sort. If we have guests coming over, that is enough motivation for them to begin with. These bribes are only necessary when I want things really picked up and organized.
Also, my children have learned a few verses over the years that have helped. Ephesians 6:1 - Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
Colossians 3:23 - Whatsoever ye do, do it heartily as unto the Lord, and not unto men.
Philippians 2:14 - Do all things without murmurings and disputings.
If their attitudes go bad, I remind them of these verses, and it helps get them on track.

[psreit]

Also, my children have learned a few verses over the years that have helped. Ephesians 6:1 - Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
Colossians 3:23 - Whatsoever ye do, do it heartily as unto the Lord, and not unto men.
Philippians 2:14 - Do all things without murmurings and disputings.
If their attitudes go bad, I remind them of these verses, and it helps get them on track.

This is what I have been trying to instill in my daughter. I don't have specific chores for her, but she will help out most of the time. She doesn't have a lot of confidence, so she gives up easily when asked to do something that takes more energy. That may stem from all the struggles she has had in school work, and also from her CP that has limited her physical activity. If she tries something hard, she will be quick to say 'I can't' even before she really tries. She will complain about things that really aren't too hard for her to do. We read a story once about Fanny Crosby. She never complained, even though she was totally blind. That puts me to shame. We all complain about things....we're too hot, we're too cold, we're too tired, etc., etc. We started this a while back, Every so often, when someone complains, another will say "Fanny Crosby!" This is a reminder to stop complaining. Carrie has Fanny Crosby: Queen of Gospel Songs listed for a biography in DITHOR level 4/5. That's the one we read for storytime a while back. It is a very good book. I highly recommend it. Anyway, the heart issue needs to be dealt with first. The talking back should not be allowed, no matter what. And obedience is not an option either. I would have consequences for those issues. I agree that it is hard to not get upset. Patience is one thing I need to keep bringing before the Lord. If you do assign specific chores and they don't get done, then that could be a matter of disobedience that needs to be dealt with. Don't feel guilty if you discipline for disobedience. I love the character/Bible lessons in HOD! They have been a tremendous help! Keep instilling the Word of God into their hearts!

[abrightmom]

My oldest is a 12 year old boy and he has been a day dreamer all his life. His speed is slow and that has never changed .... and he has a task oriented, type A Mama and God has used this son (and continues to) to refine me. It's been a tough road for both of us but God has been faithful all along to prune and shape and train ME. He is always still teaching me how to work with this kiddo that He has given to me.

With my dreamer I have accepted that he needs gentle reminders more than my other kids do. I have also learned to work with his personal pace. The desire to work quickly and efficiently according to my personal style has been an idol that God has knocked down numerous times in my life. I am working with the child He has given me and no longer expecting him to be like me or his siblings or that kid over there. It also takes constant and continuous diligence on my part to train. If I let up things fall apart .... the Lord is training ME in this parenting journey.

I have utilized charts for my kids and designed them for each child/season. They are always a work in progress but include morning routines (we keep this simple and doable but DAILY). I call my kids back to their chart to check things off before we move on to school or whatever else we may have. My kids have always had to make bed, open blinds, get dressed, put jammies away and some other small task (swipe the bathroom or bring up a load from the dryer). After breakfast they brush teeth (I am supposed to brush 5 year old's) and each child is assigned a clean up job. They have the same job for breakfast every.single.day. The routine helps ME and it helps them. I always work the sink while they do supporting jobs. For a 5 and 6 year old I'd give a simple, doable morning routine and a helper job after every meal (maybe the same job after every meal until he has it mastered). I'd also make a simple chart where the kiddo can put a sticker or a check mark when he does his job. I can try to share a copy of what my 5 year old's looks like. He absolutely LOVES his chart. Sometimes I give a sticker when all the jobs are marked off each day and at week's end if they get stickers every day I give a prize (usually a pack of gum ). I don't do this weekly but try to do this when morale is low . My older kids earn screen time for good work on their charts.

Some jobs I'd ask of a 5 and 6 year old include help fold towels or socks, smooth out covers and put blankies/pillows/softies on my bed, clear my plate/bowl to counter, unload and put away silverware from dishwasher, dust bust the bathroom floors, collect small trash cans to dump into main trash bins, putting books away, wash chairs/stools/bench in kitchen, empty rag bucket to laundry, fold own clothes and put in correct drawer, any kind of sorting jobs (i.e. laundry), dry dishes, get mail.

Once you have morning routines and 1 helper job after meals done I'd add on. My kids' charts have taken months to get to a point where they flow. And, we're never quiet perfect but they provide a framework for training and accountability. I can quickly look at the chart and figure out what should be happening. I give grace as needed and REALLY try to inspect their work. For my older children I have checklists for global tasks such as Clean Bedroom or Clean Bathroom. I'd not give a global task like that to a 5 or 6 year old.

It is important to have consistent consequences for disobedience and if a time out is not working for him that isn't the right consequence.

**I am trying to upload an attachment of DS5's chart but it won't work so if you want to see it I'd be happy to email it to you. If there is a tip as to how to upload a small attachment please advise! I am technically challenged but the process is self explanatory and I get a message that says "The extensions pages are now allowed."

[lovemygirls]

I'm sending you a virtual hug! I know it can be so challenging trying to figure out what the right thing is to do especially with so many voices in our culture today. My children have certainly been tools that humble me and keep me on my knees before God. I think seeking council/advice is a wise thing and hoping you can find some answers that help you. I don't post much but I do glean wonderful things from the lovely women on this board. I also have a 6 yr old(will be 7 in May) and a 3 yr old so I am by far not an expert or seasoned mom but wanted to share my thoughts in hopes you can be encouraged.

Please do not feel bad about disciplining your children for not helping when told because ultimately you are disciplining them for disobedience. That is a heart issue. They are to obey your request (Ephesians 6:1-3). You are also disciplining them for arguing with you which again is disobedience. You are also training them to follow instructions and how to live productive lives by helping and being an active member of the house that serves and not just receives.
Kids are smart! Sometimes they know that if they complain, whine and argue enough mom will let it go and do the work. I think it is wise to nip this in the bud now or it will only become more difficult later. This can also spill over in other areas like school for example. I hope that does not come across harsh as I say that with gentleness. I understand that there are various personalities and some are just more prone one way or the other and we have to pray for discernment but personalities aside I think all children are mandated to obey and honor their parents and if they do not there needs to be consequences.

Training our kids is a lot of hard work and it takes much longer to show them and teach them (and takes a lot of patience lol) so we tend to do it ourselves but that is not helping them or us in the long run. The momentary struggle and time in training them now will yield fruit later that will be a blessing. Sometimes it's hard to see the big picture in the daily mundane tasks that can eat away at that perspective but let me encourage you that it will be worth it. I find that with myself that the more consistent and firm I am the easier it is to maintain my cool but the instant I relax with the discipline and my children become more unruly the more angry and frustrated I get and it's like a cycle starts with me and my kids. They need boundaries and if you start early I think it just becomes the natural order of things in the house.

Here are some ideas:
1)Come up with several consequences for disobeying, whining and arguing and do them consistently. They need to know that you mean business! If the time out is not working then it is probably best to find what will.
2) stay in the word and Find scripture that encourages you to stay the course and every time you feel like you are wavering read them. Pray and pray some more! I did a study about what God says about children in His word and it was a huge blessing and spoke deeply to my heart and helped me find strength to teach, train and discipline them. I still fail daily but God is full of mercy and my fortress to run to and I'm reminded again when I do.
3) Since your kiddos haven't had any chores perhaps you can start incrementally and add one chore every week or two until you have them doing what is expected. As they get older every year assign more chores.
4) Children are much more capable than we think. Children from days past did a lot more than our kids today and they survived so I say don't be shy in assigning chores. It's good for them. It's teaching them to be hard workers and diligent even when they don't feel like it.
5) bring them along with you as you do your chores and assign them something near you also. I sometimes find we bond over doing a chore together. I know that sounds strange but it for some reason we do.
6) I had to let go of perfection while training them in a particular task. I've had to tell myself numerous times to relax and let it go or I wait until they are watching a show or go to sleep to redo something at times. Again, the extra time now will be what makes things easier later.

Here are chores I have my 6.5 yr old doing:

Daily:
Picking up after herself after she plays, several times a day. I start this early at about 18 months( with mama's help of course)
makes her bed, cleans her room, wipes the table and chairs after every meal and sweeps the floor after lunch( we just started the sweeping last couple of weeks) she helps me a lot with her little sister too.
Helps Tidy' living room and other rooms as requested and needed.

Every other day:
Folding laundry. She folds all her clothes and puts away and folds the towels. Sometimes she helps me with her Dad's clothes as well. (She likes folding his t-shirts...go figure)

Weekly:
We have a 3 story town home so I assign myself a floor one a week (so technically she is doing this 2-3 times a week once a week for each floor). Cleans bathroom sinks and dusts all surfaces on whichever floor is assigned that day. Tidy's dvd's and books. She helps me bring in groceries from our weekly shopping trip. (Not the heavy items) And we just started her helping me clean one toilet a week with my supervision.

Monthly: helps wipe down stair rails and banisters, light switches, etc...

During various months they help pull weeds, rake and clean garage.

I tried having her vacuume a small area a few times but it's just too difficult for her to maneuver for now as it's too heavy for her but we'll try again In a year. Of course the 3 yr old wants to tag along so I always find something for her to do also

My sweet daughter is also a dawdler although hyper like crazy she just gets so distracted because her brain and body is running a hundred miles a hour lol and I've been praying for wisdom here so I can't offer much except consequences do help. I'm going to get a timer and try that as well. finding what motivates can help. My daughter loves music blasting so while she is cleaning I will sometimes let her blast the music so it helps keeps her on task. She also likes rewards (I suppose all kids like that) so I try to reward her for good behavior or staying on task here and there.

Sorry if I rambled. I'm not always good at getting my thoughts out so I hope you can make some sense of that
I hope you can find some solutions that work for you and your family.

[Jennymommy]

I also work better with music My boys, 10-14 clean bathrooms, vacuum, sweep, load/unload dishwasher, clean kitchen, dust, pick up and put away, pull weeds, clean up dog waste, feed dogs, maintain their rooms, clean windows, clean and vacuum car...whatever we ask. It has been, and still is a training process whereby I write specific steps down for them to follow after having watched me do the job. I check and have them redo if things are not done well. My only real issue has been "me" I had to get over the idea that I was being mean , when really I am giving them essential life skills. They work much faster and more cheerfully when they know they are earning something...video game time, money, movie, friend sleepover...whatever is desired. This makes sense in light of the fact that adults also work for something. Of course, some of these jobs are just expected, such as maintaining rooms and bodies and taking care of their own messes

[raindrops]

I started assigning chores after Julie inspired me! She posted her kids' chore chart. I was impressed she had her youngest cleaning the kitchen floor so I have my 8 year old do that and my 5 year old vacuums around the woodstove- lots of dirt and woodchips! It has been a big help. And my son is to bring IN the firewood. Other than that their chore chart has things they just SHOULD be doing like picking up toys, putting away laundry and bringing dirty clothes to the washing machine. Instead of stickers we do stamps. They enjoy using the ink stamps! It is easier on little fingers, too, than peeling stickers.

And yes, music, loud music! We play the music that came with LHFHG and Beyond, or some other worship music.

And I agree, a reward for a full chart is nice.

[MelInKansas]

I don't have much to add, these other ladies have given great tips and advice. I understand how you feel, but I have been reformed and our house runs so much more smoothly because of it. I do not use charts and am not organized enough to have a cleaning schedule. I have a routine and the kids know they are responsible for their own dishes, clothes, and cleaning up messses they make. Just so you know you don't need those things, but they are great tools if you want to use them. As to speed, I am like you and have one daughter I have had to learn much patience with. It has been good for me to learn to slow down. One thing that helps me personally is to find ways to work with this slow one and try to instill diligence that way rather than by standing over her tapping my foot impatiently. In fact I wanted to suggest as a start to your retraining them to have them work with you. This is what my 2yo's assignments are, to work with me on things and he loves it. It makes chores seem fun and like a way to spend time together, and then when it's done we make a big deal about how great it is to have that job done and how nice that he helped. It is less peaceful than doing it myself, for sure, but I am used to it now. I do highly recommend starting now though. The younger the better. Kids like "work" I think if it's introduced the right way.

[Nealewill]

My kids do not have "formal" chores but they are required to help whenever we ask. They mainly clean up whenever we ask. We usually do a pretty heavy cleaning of the house on Saturdays - my husband is home and it makes light work with 5 people chipping in. They all unload the dishwasher together every morning. Sometimes they load it but I actually prefer to do that. They clean up after themselves after every meal - clean up their plates and put the food away. They do vacuum the carpets in the house but do not sweep - I sweep because they just aren't good at it honestly. They do clean counters and windows well. My kids always fold their own laundry and have been for years. They put it away too. Out doors, they will help in the yard. We have a garden every year and there is usually a lot of canning over the summer. Everyone helps pick, prep and can. Period! Last year I had almost 200 jars by the end of summer. They must help me or I honestly can't get it done. With home improvements, all of my kids help their too. My husband just finished mudding a wall last night. All of my kids have helped put a coat of drywall mud on that wall. We also just got done painting some trim work. My kids painted it. Now, I will say that with home improvements, we are more interested in the teaching aspect of it. So I (or my husband) do go over a lot that they do help. As for vehicle repairs, my husband almost always makes my son help. Now that my son is 8, he is actually interested

I am sorry to say but if your son isn't interested in helping, you will have a battle. That is okay. It really is a matter of the heart. And honestly, once your battle starts, it will spill into other areas. Be strong! Don't give up. I personally would strategize about the best time to start your battle. Once you choose the time and place, you must see it through. It will be rough but much worse if you give up. I have found that my kids have gone through some of this same stuff as well at different times because I have become laxidasical at times. As my kids have gotten older, I have seen the value in being steadfast so my battles are less. I also have found that to create good attitudes in my house, we do focus on Biblical characters almost every day. I try to find opportunities daily to point out positive character qualities in my kids. But I also do try to talk about the negative attitudes too. It is a balance! I don't want my kids to walk around feeling completely built up when it is unrealistic but I also don't want to tear them apart either. I pray about this area almost every day.

And as for scripture verses - ironically, the only verse I rarely use is Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord for it is right. They know it because they have a read it. And we have talked about it before on multiple occasions. But I guess, I never pull that card out of my stack when I am telling them that they should obey me because God said to. I am a very strong willed person and was a strong willed child. Two of my three kids are also very strong willed. So tell me to "obey" because someone said so was a huge struggle! Two of my kids are the same way! (I guess my parents wish for me to have kids just like me came true LOL). The verse that I use regularly when discussing character traits is Deuteronomy 5:16 Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you. My kids do better with this verse. We talk about why they should obey me. We talk about why they will have a long life. And it gives me the opportunity to express the roll that God has give me in raising them up in the Lord. Also, I have learned that in the heat of battle with my kids - throwing the Bible verse at them then does nothing. After the Battle or at our calms, we talk Bible all the time. But during the Battle, I normally try not to "engage" in the fight. I just have the ultimatum with the specific consequences. Usually, once my kids have experience the consequences a few times, they aren't interested in battling me any more. And I am creative with my consequences too They don't get to eat until they do xyz. They lose media time (which they hate losing because they only get it on the weekends and only for a few hours max a week). They get extra work to complete. They go to bed early. We also create fun things to do in our home. If they don't help, they don't get to celebrate in the fun - movie, a desert (my kids rarely get desert because I am completely addicted to every sugary food so we don't keep desert around), or family game time. Because we have an ebb and flow of the family works together and then family plays together, it seems like it runs fairly smoothly.

I will be praying for you. It is a big step but there is freedom in it. It will eventually become routine and your kids won't buck once they get into it.

[Jennymommy]

So fun to read your post, Daneale I'm sure my parents wished the same for me. I find we have fewer battles and more cooperative spirits when I pray certain scriptures for all of us regularly. I have many that God has brought to my attention for issues we face. Eph. 4:29 for me, 1 Cor. 15:33, Phil. 1:9-11, 1 John 4:19-21, Phil. 4:8 (followed by vs. 9 for my exhortation ) and especially James 4:7. I have lots of other passages to pray, but these along with Col. 3:12-17 really help shape our hearts

[my3sons]

There is just an outpouring of encouragement and a wealth of wisdom here in this thread! WOW! Sweetgrace - you have some wonderful ideas to try!

A few quick thoughts - I look at the whining and complaining as a character trait to conquer, while the chores training is an important habit to instill. So, they may in some ways be 2 separate things, as I'm sure the whining/complaining is not always in regard to the chores as the chores aren't something consistently assigned yet. First off - this is normal!!! Pretty much all children (and most adults) would rather have free time and play, rather than have chores and work/school time.

For whining/complaining, consistent short timeouts usually work (i.e. set timer, stand facing corner, no noises or fidgeting or time starts over). 2-5 minutes is usually enough. If they come out of the corner still whining/complaining, back to the corner, same rules. It does get old eventually. If multiple trips to time out following the above rules don't work, another consequence is given at our house. Some of these have been 30 minutes earlier to bed or computer/video taken away for the day. We've rarely had to do this as the multiple time outs seem to fix it. The biggest thing is to do it RIGHT away when the complaining starts. We've also had the dc copy Bible verses in regard to their character habit they are working on.

For chores, we turn on praise music as well and try to make it a short, productive, as upbeat as possible time. I teach 1 chore at a time. The child then practices the chore with me, and then finally takes it over. I have done charts, tear-off pads, laminated posters, etc. I like to change up the way of tracking it. For a young child, I'd start with the trash. We have had our now 7 yo collecting the trash since he was 5 yo or younger. He gathers the bags from the 3 bathrooms and puts them all in our tall kitchen trash bag. He then puts the 2 kitchen trash bags together in 1 (1 inside the other) and takes it out to the garage. He fills all the garbages with new plastic bags then. My middle ds (who is almost 12 yo) unloads the dishwasher. My oldest ds (who is 15 yo) lets out and feeds the pets. They have other chores as well, but these are the main morning chores for each. I'd say the biggest thing would be to assign 1 chore, teach it well, and check up on it. Then assign another chore as able and train well for that one.

We have morning chores, which I'd consider the things that have to be done for us to start our school day on time. We have cleanup rituals, which are Wyatt does dishes, Riley vacuums, and Emmett swiffers the edge of the kitchen. I pick everything up and do the counters, wash the big dishes, etc. No one may leave the kitchen until it is totally clean after meals. So, if someone finishes their part they help with the rest. We also have evening chores, which I am plain too tired to enforce, so they aren't as consistent. In general, everyone just helps pick up the entire house, so it's ready for the next school day We do this pretty successfully, but not as wholly as I wish. So see - there is ALWAYS something to keep working on!

We have weekly/monthly/quarterly chores, but we have grown into these 1 year at a time, with me training 1 chore at a time, and I think it would be overwhelming to share here, so I won't. However, I will say that it spurs me on to think that by the time our dc leave our home they will be able to take care of their own home and themselves well. I also think they will have learned to enjoy a clean, organized, well-taken-care-of home. Start small! 1 chore done well is better than 5 chores done haphazardly wrong. Keep at it! It is worth the battle!!! God gave us help in this business of managing the day to day of our homes, and that help is our dc.

In Christ,
Julie