HOD and Isolation (er, Independence)

[aecastleberry]

We are struggling a great deal this year with HOD. I *love* all of the book choices and content in HOD, and I have been overall very happy. Until the past few months.

My daughter (10) is extremely bright, and she has been ahead since she was 15 months and asked the doctor if she "could listen to her heart with the stethoscope."

My son (9) is challenged in reading due to dyslexia, and he is slow as molasses to get just about everything done.

But my children are only a year apart in age, and they are VERY close relationally.

Last year, my daughter flew through Preparing. She loved it all! She enjoyed being "independent" because she was smart enough to do it. However, all of those feelings have turned a full 180 this year, and she complains and cries on a daily basis because she feels so isolated. I have to work much more closely with my son in Bigger because he's still learning to read, spell, write complete sentences, etc. I sit with him and do everything with him (as I am supposed to with Bigger), but my daughter sees that as him getting all the attention and her being confined to isolation.

Part of me wants to just roll my eyes and tell her to get over it - but the bigger part of me has to take her feelings and our relationship into consideration. My husband and I have seen her become much more "needy" this year, and it all started with her being isolated to do so much school on her own. I have tried having a "Mama Check-in Time" where we do Dictation, review what she's done, read aloud for Storytime - but it truly isn't enough. Her love language is Quality Time, and being required to do so much work independently is truly hurting her heart.

Aside from making God the central focus of our learning, one of the main reasons we choose to homeschool is to build the relationships between our children. We didn't want them to be separated for hours a day, growing apart and away from each other. Yet, I feel that that is happening with HOD - and I don't know what to do about it. My daughter is begging to do her brother's "easy work" just so we can all work together.

Right now, I am at the point where I feel that I may need to look at other curriculum options where I could combine my children in history, science, Bible, and literature - and just separate them for LA and math. I don't want to jump ship and leave HOD, but my children's relationship with me and one another is ultimately what is more important.

Has anyone else dealt with their children feeling isolated rather than independent?
Amber

[Rice]

Can you make some changes in how/where you work to make her feel more included and not isolated?
Could you all work at the kitchen table - him and her at opposite ends and you in the middle, so you're "together' and available to answer her questions as they arise?
Could you all work in the living room? This is what my 13yo DD does. I'm on the couch with one of her younger siblings, or reading across the room to one of the older 2 boys, and she sits in an easy chair doing her work. She is sometimes distracted, yes, and does have a desk in her room to go to if she needs quiet (or just some "space" as pre-/teen girls sometimes do ), but is welcome to spend her mornings with us.

Also, are you still doing Storytime with her? Although that becomes an optional independent subject in RTR, it's one I don't give up - it's the one subject each day that we enjoy doing together (math help, dictation, grammar and writing, not so much ) and despite the fact that my teaching days would be shorter if I handed it over, that's one I don't want to give up.

Also, there's nothing wrong (except the logistics of finding time, I know) to do things less independently than the guide suggests (especially for a time). Ultimately you want her to be ABLE to do it all as written, but it doesn't have to be done that way all the time.

I know others will have more suggestions, but there's a few things to think about to start off with.

[aecastleberry]

We actually have a really nice school room where we all work at the same time. We have a large table in the middle of the room and then two desks along the side walls. I have tried having my daughter and middle son sitting at opposite ends of the large table, but she's so easily distracted by wanting to be a part of what he and I are doing - that it doesn't work well. If she's at her desk (less than 5 feet away!), she's constantly turning around. She just wants to be a part of everything we are doing together.

We have been doing Storytime together, but not her DITHOR books. I think once she finishes her latest book we are going to start doing literature studies together just so the three of us can read the same books at the same time!

Part of me is frustrated with her b/c she can do it all on her own. She did Preparing about 95% on her own and flew through, doing multiple days at a time sometimes just because she wanted to. Last year was just SO easy! I don't know if it's the start of hormones or what??? But it's just really hard right now. And she and her brother want to so much together b/c they are so close. I'm just really torn between separating them from one another - separating my daughter and keeping her feeling isolated - or just finding something where we can work together.

[StephanieU]

If she is a strong reader, could she maybe read a book that would work both for her DITHOR and his storytime? We are doing that right now with my oldest, and it is working well.
So the things your son would be doing with just you would be history and science. Maybe let her know she can listen in, but she also has to get all of her school work done. If she uses her free time to listen in on history and science (and the fun things with those), then just let her know it is a privilege that can go away if she does not get her things done the previous day.

[farmfamily]

In my experience with both my girls age 10 has been a really hard age to homeschool. My oldest was initially combined with her sister in Bigger when she turned 10. I beefed up Bigger a lot for her because the guide was really too easy for her. I found combining my girls very difficult because, even though they play well together and are great friends outside of school, my then 10-year-old was moody and impatient during school time. If there was a notebooking assignment she would complain that I spent more time helping the younger one. If I was reading to them, she would roll her eyes and say "do I have to listen to all this?" when I was explaining something to the younger one or answering the younger one's many questions. If it was science she was complaining that her sister got a better medicine dropper. You get the idea. I got so annoyed with having to put my younger one (who was still interested and happy doing school) on hold while I dealt with character issues with my oldest. Eventually I separated them and put my 10 year old older one in CTC where she belonged. She still complained and made life difficult for me, but I had her work in a separate room, and was able to walk away when she wasn't behaving well and have a much better experience with my younger daughter. I prayed a lot about sending her to school! Then finally at around age 11 she got SO much better. Now she is 12 and in Rev to Rev. She gets on with her work and I enjoy teaching her again. I think she has a feeling of being in control of her time and education and doesn't have to wait for her siblings. She tells me tidbits about what she has learned.

But that younger sister who was easy to teach back in Bigger is now 10 and in CTC. She has started to complain about school. She sounds like your daughter in that she mostly complains about me not spending enough time with her in school. Like you, I have a younger son who is 9 and takes up a lot more of my time than my middle child. I have tried doing some things with the two younger ones together and find my 10 year old does some of the same annoying things my older one did at that age. I have decided that 10 is an unpleasant phase and I am just going to calmly and consistently encourage my daughter when she does a good job with that independent work. I check in on her frequently. I make all my kids work in separate rooms, but bought them walkie talkies so they can tell me if they need help. I have a one or one and a half hour block of time in the morning when I work with my son and don't do much with the others but other than that I drift around quite a bit.

I do think CTC is less "fun" than Preparing in a sense, but it is a good guide and a step towards independence that I think is so good for them as they get a little older. Your daughter may be different and do a good job combining with her brother. I just wanted to share that though I hear the same complaints from my 10 year old I am not tempted to combine her at this point, and I firmly believe it will get better with time.

[aecastleberry]

Well, maybe 10 is the "witching year" then! There have been significant personality changes in her in the last 6 months, after turning 10 in August. Perhaps you have nailed it on the head - and at least you have given me encouragement that 11 should be better!

My husband and I sat down with her last night and had a long talk. She basically admitted to being jealous and acting uncooperative as a means to express her feelings. I hope that being able to realize her own emotions and naming them will help her move forward with a better attitude. We can hope! This year has just thrown us all for such a loop. I know I should be thankful that out of 6 years of homeschooling, this is the first difficult year. It has just been very hard to have one child disrupt things so much. But it's also hard on my mama's heart because I do need to be cognizant of her feelings and help her grow through them. Goodness, this Mama gig is h-a-r-d sometimes.

[Nealewill]

I also think 10 is a tough age. When my oldest dd did CtC, it was very much of an adjustment age for her. She didn't like having so much to do alone. But I think she was just used to me doing stuff with her for so long. It was a change. She loved the books but it was a hard year for her. Some of the things that helped is that I sat with her when she did her writing and written narrations. I read all of her story time to her (I still do and plan to do this through MtMM). I read the geography book and the Genesis book to her. I helped her with math. And when she did the painting for poetry, we did completed that together for the first half of the year. Finally, we would sometimes do the experiments together and the history project together depending on what it was. She wasn't totally alone. Now that my oldest is in RevtoRev, she doesn't care at all about doing things alone. I love that they learn to do things alone personally because it is a very important skill to have. Plus, they can read more material by themselves than if you have to read it all to them.

I think most of us have had the melt down child. My children all have gone through this and I anticipate it in the future again. Every year they get older they are met with new challenges. Some they embrace, some they don't. I would give it the rest of the year and see how things go. And I would try to be active where you can be. For example, this year, I have helped my dd cut things out when she asks. I don't do it all but I step in and help when she needs it (I have also done color for some of the history projects when they make card games.) All this helps me to engage with my kiddos. Finally, all three kiddos do DITHOR together. Different books but it is fun when they get to share their projects.

Hoping she embraces the level more and praying for you.

[aecastleberry]

Thank you, Nealewill! I should have mentioned that we do the poetry paintings together! It has >>by far<< been her favorite thing from CtC. If I can't get to it on the day that it is assigned, we just put it off until we can do it together. I have purposefully made it a choice not to neglect that!! I just wish our kiddos could see and REMEMBER all that we actually do for them when they complain that we "never do anything."

We are trying to read more together, and will continue to do so. For the rest of the year, I am combining my daughter and oldest son in DITHOR and being intentional about choosing books that they would both enjoy. Even though my son is at a lower level, we can still participate in great books together!

I hope this phase ends soon because I want to enjoy my daughter...not dread doing school with her. I used to teach public school middle school, so I have always been excited for my own children to reach the pre-teen/teenage years. This 10-year-old has thrown me for a loop, however. Hopefully, she will settle down and settle back into a routine. Quickly!!

[Carrie]

The ladies are doing such a terrific job of talking through ideas with you. I am always amazed at what a wealth of help and encouragement you all offer to one another! What a blessing this board is to me and to others!

One thing that I will share that my sister suggested to me ages ago (and we have done ever since) is to schedule a "morning meeting" time with each child in CTC on up. The meeting is typically 30-45 min. and happens mid-morning. It is a one-on-one meeting with the child to go over everything they have done in the day up to that point. They come with all of their books and notebooks, along with the guide, and show each subject and share about it. I check what they share, and then read the key idea aloud from the guide. You can let your daughter share what she is most excited about first and then move through the subjects pausing on each one. We let our kiddos have a snack during that time too, and it is a good mama-bonding moment. It gives the kiddos accountability, and they get a planned time to share their favorite things. We usually go over grammar during this time too if possible.

You may want to try it and see how your daughter reacts. It is a hit for all of our boys here!

Blessings,
Carrie

[4HG]

I too will affirm what a wonderful wealth of wisdom and encouragement is offered on this board! My daughter is turning 9 tomorrow and I have already experienced some of what you all are sharing here. I am going to make a mental note of these great suggestions for future use!

Thank you, Carrie (and Julie), for offering this GREAT suggestion of having a "morning meeting" and how you implement it in your school day. Thanks for sharing how much your boys enjoy this time and what a great "mama-bonding" this is for your family. I have been wondering (a bit anxiously) how that bonding time would be sustained in later years (when I anticipate the need for it to be ever growing) since the student is doing more work independently. Your suggestion has encouraged me--and put my mind to rest after a few years of wondering how all of this "remaining connected" might work.

Thank you, everyone, for all of your helpful sharing and insights. You are a blessing!

[aecastleberry]

Thank you, all, for your encouragement, practical tips, and sharing of your "been there, done that" moments. What I thought would *never* work, has actually been the best change:

I rearranged our school room and now have my daughter on one end of our school table, my son on the other end, and I sit in the middle. When I tried this a few months back, my daughter was so distracted that she could not get any work done. However, now she will sit contentedly (most of the time!) and do her own work. She has stopped answering questions for her brother, stopped whining, and has become much more pleasant to be around. Prayer and persistence pay off!! And now that she is technically 10 1/2, she's already closer to 11 - ha!

I hope you all have a blessed remainder of your school year.
Amber