HI Kelly!

There is light at the end of the tunnel!

Riley and Emmett (now 8 yo and 4 yo) play quite nicely together, actually better than Wyatt (11 yo) and Emmett sometimes. Riley has discovered that Emmett will play many of the younger things Wyatt no longer enjoys as much, and he has figured out how to be the peacemaker more.
A few things that helped this along were having a daily playtime for the 2 of them in a set area for a short amount of time. I started with them being near me, so we have a large entryway set up with toyshelves and a small table and chairs. I was working with Wyatt within earshot and eyesight of the pair, but not so close they would be too loud for Wyatt and I to work well together. I left the door open but put up a gate more as a visual reminder to stay in the entryway than as a way to keep them in, as Emmett and Riley could scale any gate in no time.

I let Riley know that this was his chance to be the big brother to Emmett, and that big brothers let little brothers choose what to play and focus on knowing that this time is all about the little one, not them.

I set the timer for 30 minutes. I let them start their time together with a snack and a Capri sun to drink. They sat at the little table and could not leave the little table until they'd finished their snacks. This helped them learn to have a civilized snack time together and learn to try to visit with one another in a nice way.

If they left the table I took away the snack and juice. I only had to do this once.

Snack time took about 10 minutes.
When they'd finished snack time, Riley had to ask Emmett what he wanted to play. Whatever Emmett said, Riley needed to say "ok" to. He then was in charge of getting it out and setting it up, and involving Emmett as much as possible. They needed to play on the rug in the entryway together and were not to interrupt me. If they interrupted, they had a time out. They could see the timer counting down and knew they had just 20 minutes left, so this helped them plan what to get out and do. Riley and I talked about what to do if it wasn't going well. He learned to choose a different activity to do if the first one wasn't going well. When the timer rang, the two of them had to pick up everything before coming out. Riley was to assign one thing for Emmett to pick up. It was to be something easy but purposeful.

At first Riley did not do well assigning the task (i.e. Emmett, pick up this one GI Joe guy.) At first Emmett did not do well picking up (i.e. NO!).

Eventually though, Riley learned to give him a tote and say, "Put all the GI Joe guys in here". Emmett eventually learned that after Riley had picked up everything else, Riley got to leave, and Emmett had to stay until his one assigned task was done.

Picking up time took another 10 minutes, so really this became a 40 minute (semi-independent) teaching time for Wyatt and me (semi-independent work for Wyatt as I was also training the other 2 and had to get up to do that off and on).
They learned to enjoy playdough at the little table too. This was fun, and kept the mess to a minimum. Otherwise, having around 6-9 totes to rotate through of different things to play with helped keep playtime varied. We changed out the totes every 3-6 months or so.

Now, they are playing 45 minutes together, and can do it upstairs in the playroom. When the timer rings, they often shout "Awww, can't we play longer?"

Part of it is just them getting older, but I do think the training helped. Oh, and I do think it was helpful that I made sure that Wyatt and Riley had a 45 minute alone playtime together some time in the day too, so they had some more "grown-up" focused on them playtime together as well. I hope something here can help you too, Kelly!
In Christ,
Julie