OT: Advice/prayer/encouragement desperately needed!

[Sue G in PA]

I've posted here before about some of the issues going on in my house. You all have been so encouraging and helpful and I appreciate it more than you know. I'm back and need more advice/prayer/encouragement or whatever you can give. My family is falling apart and I feel utterly powerless to stop it. I have 7 children who are all being homeschooled. They are dd14, ds12, ds11, ds9, ds8, dd5, ds2. My ds9 has been informally diagnosed by a therapist with ADHD...although he doesn't display much of the "H" part. There are other more serious issues going on and we are taking to an urgent care psych tomorrow b/c he is getting out of control. He displays many signs of ODD (refuses to listen at all and does not respond to reward or punishment, encouragement, talking, time-outs, etc). He gets violent, uses foul language, throws major tantrums (screaming, yelling, throwing things, destroying property, hitting siblings in his path, etc.).

Add to that the general atmosphere here in my home. My children do not get along. What I mean by that is not your normal arguing and bickering that all siblings do occasionally. My kids call names, engage in physical fights, are constantly at each other for every.little.thing. My ds12 cannot tolerate ds9 and his "issues". All the children resent that we seem to treat ds9 differently...and we do...b/c of his ADHD. All my kids are strong-willed. None are compliant. Obedience and respect are major issues around here. Ds12 is the worst culprit. I was trying to read-aloud the Chapter of the day from CHOW today as the boys played with Trio blocks and it was so loud that I had to stop! They were bickering and complaining and fighting and I just couldn't keep reading. It was a waste of my time. I am at my wits end. School is not happening here w/out major battles with EVERYONE. I simply do not have the energy to fight anymore. DH is out of town and it's just me. I have a neighbor who took one of my sons this morning for a while but it doesn't help much. He isn't the real problem here!

Please help me! I don't know how to proceed, what to do, to get my family back. We feel committed to homeschooling but sometimes I wonder if it is the right thing. It is a powder-keg in my home! How can anybody learn in this environment!? But sending them to ps just skirts the real issue here...the behavior problems and the fighting and disrespect, etc. I've read book after book on parenting and training and have tried practically everything to "fix" this. Nothing works. I'm so drained. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Thanks for listening if you've read so far.

[striving2Bprov31]

Dear Sue,

Oh, Sue!! I am just crying for you right now. You have your hands so full. My heart just goes out to you right now.

Dear Lord,

I pray right now that you would meet Sue where she is at. This very moment bring her wisdom, peace and security in abundance. Help her to be lifted up and encouraged in a way that ONLY Your Holy Spirit can encourage. Give her an EXTRA measure of strength and perserverance. I pray that You would begin right now to bring her answers and solutions...through whatever way You desire, Lord. Maybe it will be a phone call from someone, a word from a counselor, a meeting with a pastor...just minister to her needs and questions in Your timing and Your way, Lord. Pick Sue up and dust her off and send her on her way again as she puts her faith in you.

In Jesus name...AMEN

Sue--When I read your post this is what came to my mind...it sounds radical, but.....Maybe you should absolutely STOP school for awhile and put ALL of your focus on getting order back in the home. Spend all of the thought and energy you normally put towards homeschooling and seek God's leading to restore your family, children, the relationships. Make this your only daily mission. This would only be for a season. Make the issues at hand your Bible reading and prayer focus in your quiet time everyday. I know the Lord will give you wisdom as you seek Him. Sometimes we just have to get other "stuff" out of the way for awhile so that we can take care of the most important part of the homeshcool--the family.

I am putting you and your family's needs in my prayer notebook, and you will be a part of my daily prayer time with the Lord. Know that you are being lifted up everyday!!!

Also, (I hope I haven't been too "preachy" !) read Ephesians 6:10-18, especially verse 12. Remember that we are at war for our families against an enemy!! But greater is He who is in us than he that is in the world!

[christina101902]

Is there anyway to start you day with seperating their school begin times and putting them in seperate rooms? I take care of six children as well as, I am one of five children so I know about kid chaos. Did you notice when the resentment toward each other started? Did it begin when the child who was diagnosed with ADHD was first acting out? Sometimes when another child is born and appears to the others to get more attention they respond by lashing out in jealousy. Sometimes they feel any attention good or bad from the parent is better than none. I have a brother who was resented for the amount of attention he got from my mom. I was resented by one of my brothers because I excelled so easily in school, while he struggled. Children ussually have reasons for targeting each other. Try waking up the oldest two and beginning their day 1 hour before the others since they will have more to accomplish. Plus it will give them one on one time with you. I try to stagger awaken times as well as breakfasts so each child gets mama time. Plus they get one on one help with schooling, which is one of the perks to hs. I hope this helps, but if not I will say prayer for you.


Christina

[mskogen]

Standing in agreement with Liz. Will pray for your family!

God is amazing!

[inHistiming]

Sue, I can empathize with you....I have SO been there! I am lifting you up in prayer now. Having 5 children myself, I understand how chaotic and difficult it can be at times...it can be that way with just one!

I thought the pps had great suggestions. Relying on the Lord obviously is important, as I'm sure you know. I also liked the idea of having separate start times for your dc...I'm thinking of doing that myself as we get started back up this month. I began with my youngest school age son today and had my dd play with her younger sister some of that time. The little one also spent some time in the play pen and then watched Sesame Street as she sat in her bumbo and ate a snack. I was able to almost finish with him while she was entertained that way. I need to actually write out a schedule but have not done it yet. I do plan to schedule all of them, even the two littles that aren't 'doing school', using Managers of Their Homes...if I can find the time and get it figured out! It it highly recommended by many.

Anyway, please be encouraged. I know it's tough, overwhelming, and hard to understand why it has to be this way. I ask those questions of myself and of God many days. Keep pressing on. Remember His word does not return void, so keep encouraging them to hide His word in their hearts and you do the same. I know I need to do more of that here, too. Praying for you now.....

[3sweeties]

Not really any new thoughts to add -- I agree with what the PP have said -- some great ideas there! I am not in your exact situation, but I do understand how chaos and fighting b/t siblings alone can wear us as homeschooling moms down. I will be praying for you -- may God give you all you need and I will pray that you will be able to do all things through HIM who gives you STRENGTH! (((HUGS)))

[Sue G in PA]

Thank you everyone. I am sooo very grateful for all your prayers and encouragement and advice. I feel like a complete and total failure as a parent. Where else would they have gotten this from? It's all my fault. My ds9 gets worse everyday. He has fleeting moments of normality when he is awake, but mostly he is a mess. He annoys his siblings and they don't have the maturity to just let it go. They pick on him constantly. Ds9 needs things a certain way, needs his time alone, needs constant attention from me when he isn't alone, etc. Everything has the same likelihood of "setting him off". He will NOT listen. He is likely ODD as I said. I haven't been able to get him an appt. ANYWHERE that isn't MONTHS down the road. OR, I can get him an appt. but the place doesn't take our insurance and we can't afford $300/hr. for a visit. I feel so stuck and I just can't keep doing this. I am sinking. I am losing my son and my other kids as well b/c of this child. I find myself constantly on edge around him, "looking" for him to misbehave instead of just enjoying the moments he is behaving, kwim? I just want him to be "normal". I just want our home to be peaceful and it is anything but.

[4Hispraise]

Praying for you Sue. I agree before the Lord with Liz. May the Lord give you wisdom, strength and courage to know His will in this difficult situation. May He give insight and wisdom to the docs treating your son.

Oh, my God, I cry out to you on behalf of Sue. I ask You to step in and give her encouragement, give her energy and wisdom. Help Sue to see You in the midst of this struggle. I pray for each of her children. I pray that You will work in them to give them a spirit of cooperation and love for one another. I pray that You will work in all involved to delight in Your presence and to seek to honor You by honoring one another. I specifically pray for her son with ADHD, that you will work to balance the chemicals in his brain. You, who created him and know him intimately, Lord, I ask You to bring this dc relief and peace in You. I pray for wisdom for the doctors who see him, for an accurate diagnosis and an effective treatment plan. I pray for his parents to know what is right, and to cling to You during this stressful time. In Jesus Name, Amen

I have some experience with a ds who has severe OCD (I am not suggesting that your son has the same). Much of his stress, though, and anxiety was released in similar ways to what your son is displaying. So, in some small way, I do understand. It is a difficult path that seems to have no end...and it affects E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E. I am praying for an accurate diagnosis and an effective treatment plan. My son still struggles, but he has made tremendous improvement and...well, it has positively affected every member of our home. In God, the Creator and Great Physician, there is H.O.P.E.!!

If there is anything I can do, you can PM me. I don't have as many children as you, so I can only imagine how much that affects everyone, but I can pray for you!

[my3sons]

I am praying for you, Sue! Our God is mighty. He can fix this, and He knows the best way to do so. I think it would be helpful for you and your dh to set aside some real time to come up with a very specific plan for your 12 yo and 9 yo. The older dc lead the younger dc, and whether they are leading poorly or well, the youngers will follow. I have found this to be so true in our home. As far as discipline is concerned, your dh can be involved in setting a plan for that. My dh travels all of the time, and I realize you may be in that situation as well, so I'm not talking about the day to day disciplining, as you will need to do that, but rather a plan for it in general that you can follow. I am wondering if you can set up an appointment with a Christian counselor that you attend with your 12 yo, and then also your 9 yo, separately, along with dh? Many Christian counselors have sliding payment plans that make it financially possible to do so. Or could meeting with your Pastor regularly for awhile help? I've just found that Christian wisdom and advice from those who know Him well is priceless and can make long lasting changes that are worth every single penny. I'm praying!!!

In Christ,
Julie

[water2wine]

Sue really I agree with Julie that counseling is really huge. Not only do you get wisdom but with ODD kids it's a third party to stand by you and defuse some of the manipulation. Churches sometimes have programs to pay. Also your insurance may have a social worker that will help you find someone that is on your plan near you and even a Christian. And you can interviewed them on the phone and even find out where they are on God, the use of medication anything that concerns you. ODD or ODD type like things are very hard to handle on your own and to get help does not mean you failed it just means you are doing the right thing for your kid. Sometimes these things are all about chemical imbalance and not at all about parenting but still you can learn how to best handle it from trained professional. Kids that struggle in these areas do not respond to typical average parenting. It's a whole other ball game.

Praying for you!

[blessedmomof4]

Sue, I just wanted to agree with the pp that you are NOT a failure. You are a great mom who loves her children and wants them happy and healthy. Definitely seek out help from those who know, and may the Lord uplift you and keep you in the palm of His hand. I will be keeping your family in my prayers.

[Sue G in PA]

We had ds9 assessed at a crisis clinic at Sheppard Pratt last night. The psych said she didn't see signs of ADHD at all...perhaps just ADD as I described his behavior during school and difficulty completing schoolwork. It was an almost surreal experience. He is now enrolled in a 2 week day program and we are hopeful that it will help him with his anger. There is so much going on a can't post but I do appreciate your prayers and advice. Counseling is a given...for everybody. I don't know how we got to this point. And I feel like I am in the middle of a nightmare. I wish I could just wake up and start over, kwim? If my son doesn't have ADHD or any other disorder...it means that his issues are ultimately my fault or a combo of my dh and I although dh would love to put all the blame on me. That's part of the problem. Thanks again for prayers.

[John'smom]

I am so sorry. Please know I am continually praying here. (((HUGS)))

[4Hispraise]

Sue, still praying for you. Don't know if it would help, but we were in Christian counseling (our assistant pastor), and they worked through The Heart of Anger with our family. It was very helpful FOR US ( I make no assumptions, there are many good plans out there, but we found this to be Scripturally sound) ...you can throw this out with the bath water if it isn't helpful. So glad you were able to get him some form of help. Still praying for you and your family!! I hear your cries for help, and I assure you that you and your husband are exactly the parents God wanted your kiddos to have. He knew your strengths, your weaknesses...He knew what your successes would be and He knew what your failures would be. He chose you before He laid the foundation of the earth to be the mother to your dc. I hear your pain and I understand how easy it is to feel hopeless...I have been there...and even there, God is with you..He promises it (see Psalm 139)! I hear your deep love and the pain it causes you to see your family hurting and disjointed...your desire your family to be healed. I know that only a mama who cares would be crying out for help like you are. May God reassure you that He is with you and you, as you seek Him, are the exactly right mama to help your dc through this difficult season!

Hugs to you and prayers being sent up to the Throne of Grace for you and your precious ones!

[my3sons]

Sue, I am very glad your ds is getting some extra help. and I think that it will hopefully inadvertently supply more of a support system for you in a way too. Your words show you are hurting and carrying a burden of guilt right now. I'm sorry you are feeling this way! Please cast it off! Feelings of guilt weigh us moms down so heavily and do little to solve problems. I am speaking from experience here. Placing blame and pointing fingers is not helpful to finding solutions. Usually many people have their part in causing family strife. I am praying for you, but know that placing all responsibility for the situation you are in upon your shoulders is not only placing its full load in an incorrect place, it is also not allowing others to accept their part in it and get to fixing things. You alone are not to blame for this situation, and you alone cannot solve it. Christian counseling can truly do wonders! In the meantime, whatever can be done to diminish stress in the day to day is worthwhile to consider. Whatever can be done to foster teamwork between your dh and you is vital too. I will continue to pray!

Love in Christ,
Julie