Bad attitudes, complaining, arguing, etc...

[Sue G in PA]

I'm at my wits end already. I try so hard to be positive all day long. However, by the end of the day I am just so beaten down by all the bad attitudes, complaining, arguing, whining, crying, eye rolling, dirty looks, etc. that I just want to curl up in my bed and lock my door. And then my husband has the gall to ask me for some of my time tonight. And, to give him a haircut. What time? Kids are complaining that school takes longer than ps. Ummm...when you don't start your work until 10am, take an hour for lunch and breaks in btwn...you are not going to be done by 4pm. Sorry. Just not happening. Then, when I've had enough disrespect and abuse and I ground my ds9 for the rest of the week (ummm...one day?), my dh starts shaking his head in disagreement with my punisment. I'm venting and I appreciate you all indulging me. But really, I'd love to know how you all deal with the attitudes and complaining and such. It has to stop or I'm going to give up. I just can't take it. I have to put up a boundary here. When their negativity and whining is rubbing off on me...it has to stop. Help? Thanks.

[Mom25]

Hi Sue, I totally understand your problem. We had major attitude in our house last year until I discovered that true obedience is without complaint. In fact, I posted a sign on our school room wall that says, "Obedience is without delay, without complaint, and without excuse. You may appeal with respect," which came from Shepherding a Child's Heart. I sat with my kids, apologized for not enforcing obedience with them properly, then told them my new expectations. Then, I had to enforce, enforce, enforce. For a few days it was rough and we didn't get much done, but they figured out pretty quickly that I was serious and we've had few problems since. It may take longer depending on how old your kids are, but it's doable. You just have to treat attitude the same way you treat direct disobedience. It's really the same thing.

Saying a prayer for you. Homeschooling is hard enough without the bad attitudes!! Hang in!

[HappyMama]

I've had problems with my younger son and bad attitudes.... it's definitely no fun. I agree with what the pp said.... you really have to take the time to enforce, enforce, enforce. I have done something similar to what she said and it's rough at first, but then it *will* payoff. Another thing I do sometimes is send him to his room to be by himself and I let him know that he is free to come out when he is happy and no longer grumpy and rude. This only works because he's so young and hates being in his room alone. I imagine this probably wouldn't work too well with older kids. Once you figure out your "battle plan" for dealing with bad attitues, don't back down and don't give up! Hang in there mama!

[MelInKansas]

My kids are (presumably) younger than yours and this adjustment into doing school has been rough on us too. I second what the other poster said. I have had to ramp up a bit on what I expect from my children in terms of obedience and staying on task to finish things. And work on my own consistency. There were some healthy rounds of discipline that first week. Along with laying out a schedule and trying to tweak it to make it work (and we have not stuck to it all that much even, but even having it helps), the routine makes it easier because then they are used to that and don't think of whatever else they might want to be doing.

My attitude is key also. The mornings I get up before the children (which sadly has been a lot less than I had hoped for), at least shower and have devotional time myself before starting the day, I am positive. When I am grumpy and having a hard time doing my tasks and teaching lovingly, my kids seem to be so much worse also.

Blessings and best wishes to you!

[Marcee]

Sue, you are in my prayers. You CAN do this! May I suggest the book Parenting with Love & Logic? I posted the 10 Commandments of H'schooling here.
I know I am going to be dealing with this as well. (I am going to use the statement from Shepherding a Child's heart ).

Blessings~

[cirons]

Hi,

sorry to hear you are having a rough time....what the other ladies said is absolutely true....enforce enforce enforce. BUT, before you do this, you need to make sure the kids know what the consequences are. My hubby and I usually talk about various scenarios (away from the kids) and decide on appropriate consequences eg. rolling eyes = 1 hour off daily computer/tv allowance or 50 cents of pocket money, stamping feet = 2 hours off allowances etc etc. Make sure they are all appropriate, and that they don't create extra work for you, and then sit down with all the kids and explain what will happen from this day forth, no questions asked. Then in the heat of the moment, there is no need for discussion or reactions....only the appropriate response which the child has already been warned about. Then follow through, follow through, follow through. THIS WORKS...promise.

[Sue G in PA]

Thanks everyone. I plan to have a conversation with them tomorrow morning. My dh hasn't been available to talk to about this recently due to some "issues" of his own so I am sort of on my own with this. I know the key is consistency. And I do have to get better with this. My problem is that I just don't know what the consequences should be! For example...name calling, bad attitude/complaining, disrespect, etc. I'm at a loss.

[cirons]

Hi Sue....

how old are your children? This helps to know what are appropriate consequences....

I personally believe you need to tailor consequences for the child....every child is unique, even though behaviours may not be. This means that what will work for one thing, won't work for another. Eg. for my son, taking away computer privileges cuts deep and really works. For my daughter, this causes her no distress and she is fine without computer time, hence this consequence would not be appropriate for her. If I took away her favourite book, she would be devastated! They both like to receive their pocket money so taking away increments from their weekly allowance works also. If you have a teenage child, social privileges, phone calls, outings, computer time, room privileges etc would work. Older children benefit also from being part of the discussion about what appropriate consequences are.

Hope this helps,

blessings,

Corrie

[mom24boys]

How old are your children? That might help with the ideas.

We do the Shepherding a Child's Heart thing too, but we say, "Obey right away, all the way, and with a happy heart!" It's kind of a younger kid version.

[John'smom]

Sue,
First I'm praying for you. What about something like the If and Then Chart, this way the consequences will be clearly started for them and for you and it will require you to expend a lot less energy thinking of what the consequences should be. Also may I suggest Ginger Plowman's Don't Make Me Count to Three and her Wise Words for Mom.

[Sue G in PA]

Guess I should have posted ages. Sorry. This is mainly for my boys ages 12, 10, 9 and 7. Ds12 is the one who didn't want to be homeschooled this year after a trial year back at ps last year. He grumbles about everything, criticizes his brothers, complains when reminded to do his chores, etc. Ds10 is mostly compliant to do his schoolwork but will often "explode" when he thinks its "taking too long" or is "too hard" or "too much". "This is STUPID" is his favorite line. Ds9 has always been a challenge with schoolwork. Too much seatwork and he's toast. Too much writing and he melts down. We do so much orally and I practically have to sit on his lap to get him to focus. Tough when 6 others are requiring my attention. Ds7 is my perfectionist and will burst into tears for the silliest, trivial things (i.e. dropping his pencil on the floor ). They are guilty of name-calling and fighting (sometimes it gets physical). I loathe next week when I add Spanish to the workload for ds12 and ds10. Some things that might "hurt" them would be taking away increments of allowance (b/c they don't get much as it is), taking away friend privileges for the afternoon, taking away a soccer practice (although I hate to do that), requiring more chores, etc. As for name-calling we have already been through the "if you can't treat your siblings as respectfully as you treat your friends you can't see your friends" bit.

[psreit]

I was on someone's blog today and noticed that they use the book 'For Instruction in Righteousness'. I looked into it and plan to get a copy. It gives ideas for discipline, rewards and encouragement, along with Scripture referring to particular behaviors,etc. It looks like it would be very helpful. Praying for your family.

[John'smom]

Sue,
I just found a free consequences chart after searching for one. Not that it's all applicable to your family, but maybe it will help you in some way in making your own. It doesn't necessarily have a lot of "creative" ideas for consequences, but then again maybe it'll be a help somehow. You can see it here.

[tnahid]

So sorry to hear about your day. I have a 9 year old who let's say "pushes my buttons" and likes to stir up trouble. I agree that it would be beneficial to have a chart or something to tell you "if" and "then." Thank you by the way, for the one who posted a link to that. I will definitely be printing that off. And yes, Doorposts has some charts that look really good. I plan to order those and put them up in plain site as well.

Another thing I read about was making a contract with your child and including him on his own consequences and then having him sign it. That might work. I can't imagine how difficult it is without the dad's strong help in discipline. I say that Dad is the principal of our school, and that helps keep my sons in line. Not totally, of course, but it does help!

Maybe enforcing more physical exercise time would help the boys get more of their aggression out? Not sure what you do for that already, but thought I would ask.

It is very difficult! I understand. I had to bite my tongue today to not say things that I knew I would regret later. I was very hormonally-challenged today and at those times I seem to have the most difficult time!

Bless you,
Tina

[inHistiming]

Sue,

I have been having some struggles of my own with some of my dc in this area, so I know how tough it can be. It is definitely compounded by the number of children you have too! One thing I would suggest would be to wait on adding the Spanish. I know it's tough when you have to meet requirements by the state, etc. but if at all possible I think I would even slow down a bit and try to work on these character issues. That's what we have done....still doing our school work, but more slowly and less each day, so I have the time to work with the particular child that needs help, whether it's with book work or with an attitude. Believe me, it hasn't taken care of everything immediately, I know it will take a while for a change. But, it has helped me not to feel so overwhelmed with all the 'stuff' we have to do. I have also begun re-reading Shepherding a Child's Heart...we've really slacked off on some of the principles taught and I am sure that has contributed to our issues. Right now we have two 'rules' written on our white board:

1. Immediate obedience with a good attitude.
2. Always tell the truth.

It makes it easier to to refer them to that when we are talking about an issue...they can go to the board and read it out loud. These are the things we are working on at the moment, and I did tell them there will be more added as time goes on and we find there are other areas that need work. I am sure we will have more struggles, but these are some things that have helped me recently. Just wanted to encourage you, and I will pray for you as well. Praying your Friday goes better.