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My 12 yo ds wrote this and I would appreciate knowing how to gently critique his writing. Maybe tell me word for word what to say? I haven't really required any formal writing from him until HOD



Noah entered the Ark with his wife and three sons as well as their wives. He also brought with him on the Ark two of every "unclean" animal and seven of every "clean" animal. There were so many creatures that it took them a whole week to get on board the Ark. When finally they were all on the Ark, God Himself shut them in. Then God commanded the pockets of water deep under the earth to overflow. The downpour lasted for forty days and forty nights. Then when the rain stopped Noah sent out a raven through a window, but alas it came back, for it couldn't find a place to rest it's feet. The next day Noah sent out a dove, and what did it return with but an olive branch. And that's how Noah knew it was safe to leave the Ark.

I don't really know how to critique writing yet, because my children are a little younger, but I did want to tell you that his writing sounds very good! I would imagine that some ladies with more experience might chime in ...

I am certainly no expert in writing. I am a math person and writing was never my "thing". But if it makes you feel any better, my dd is 12 and this is the exact "level" that she would write. At this point, I don't usually correct anything other than spelling and grammar. As long as she has followed the rules that she's learned up to this point (half way through R&S 5 and completed WWtB) then I am satisfied. Every once in a while, I may say something like, "Read this sentence again out loud and see if it sounds like you want it to. You may want to try and re-word it". But that is rare that I do that. Usually, after she has proof read it and read it out loud on her own, most of the "weird" sentences have been worked out before I get it.

I will be watching this thread to see what others have to say, because like I said, my dd writes very similar and this is the area that I am most "scared" of in regards to grading/critiquing my dc's work.

Angie

First of all I would say, "great job!"

He has a lot of detail, which is really good.

If he hasnt had a lot of experience I would sit w him as he works and help him as he goes. I help my son to notice if something doesnt quite sound right. I point out any run-on sentences and show him if he is beginning sentences with the same word. I help him think of other creative words to replace repeat words. Also, I will correct any punctuation as he writes as well.

I think it is fair to do all the corrections while he is writing until he has had plenty of instruction first. It might be discouraging to have the whole page corrected, after he has finished, when he has done his very best. Eventually he will be able to write on his own, but I think it is better to help him work through it until you feel comfortable that he has been instructed on what you expect.

Hth,
Mercy

It looks great to me!:)

I think it looks fine. It looks very much like the same "level" of writing my 12 year old produces.

Thanks for the feedback!

Noah entered the Ark with his wife and three sons as well as their wives. He also brought with him on the Ark two of every "unclean" animal and seven of every "clean" animal. There were so many creatures that it took them a whole week to get on board the Ark. When finally they were all on the Ark, God Himself shut them in. Then God commanded the pockets of water deep under the earth to overflow. The downpour lasted for forty days and forty nights. Then when the rain stopped Noah sent out a raven through a window, but alas it came back, for it couldn't find a place to rest it's feet. The next day Noah sent out a dove, and what did it return with but an olive branch. And that's how Noah knew it was safe to leave the Ark.[/quote]

Well, first of all, I'd definitely compliment him on his style. This is really an excellent narration, for it has a musical sound to it that flows as your ds is thinking back through what he read and telling it in more storylike format. Honestly, this is somewhat of a rare talent, and one that is hard to "teach". So, kuddos to ds for having his own creative style in retelling the story. I would also compliment him on the sequence of the retelling, as well as the accuracy of the details. The grammar and spelling are also very good, and there are few mistakes. I always try to begin responding to my dc's narrations with 3-5 compliments like the ones I shared here.

I then would mark the grammar/spelling corrections needed by jotting them in pencil in the margin of the paper or on a sticky note if there is no margin, by each of the lines the appear. So, I'd put a comma in the margin/on sticky note, and hope my ds could figure out he should put it after "sons". I'd put a comma to go after "Then, God commanded...", another 2 after "Then, when the rain stopped,..." I'd put a slash through an apostrophe to show no apostrophe in "it's". Though there could be some grammatical suggestions for the last 2 lines, I'd not give any, as it would mess up the beautiful flow of words he has chosen. For example, you could ask him to word the second to last sentence like this...
"The next day Noah sent out a dove, and with what did it return? It returned with an olive branch."

You can see how this ruins his style and the flow of his narration. Likewise, the last sentence could be edited like this...
"That's how Noah knew it was safe to leave the Ark."

But, again, the flow of his narration is lost. So, I think it is important not to edit a narration in such detail that the narrative style of the child is lost. Many, many, many novelists begin sentences with "And" to create a certain effect, and removing the "And" sadly removes the effect.

For his one thing to work on next time, I would suggest he challenge himself to start only one of his sentences with "Then", and then give some alternative words or methods he could use to begin sentences instead.

My comments here are my own ideas, and certainly only one reflection of comments a mom could make in response to this narration. My intent here is not to begin to portray my ideas as the only "right ways" to respond to this narration, but rather to give you some ideas for how you may enjoy going about this. You can be proud of your ds. He is doing well!

In Christ,
Julie