Burnout on a deep level, with parenting

[lovetobehome]

Let me preface this by saying this has nothing to do with HOD and so maybe this doesn't belong here. If that is the case, I am totally fine with it being deleted. Over the years, I have received some wonderful counsel and support here, so I was thinking maybe someone here with more experience, who has been through these feelings, can steer me in the right direction. But to the moderators, if this doesn't belong, I understand.

I am not sure why I am writing, what exactly I am looking for. I have had a very hard year homeschooling. Not because my circumstances are difficult; I have 3 healthy sweet children, a faithful and loving husband, and generally speaking my life all is wonderful. However, I am utterly burnt out on mothering and homeschooling. I don't understand why, I only have 3 children and no real difficulties. But I used to love homeschooling, adore my children, and spend every waking moment attending to them, with delight.
Now, things are so different. For the past 9 months or so, I have really struggled with homeschooling. I have little patience for their bickering, attitudes, etc. Now mind you, anyone on the outside would say my children are lovely, dear and sweet-- and they are. But my fuse has been significantly shortened. Their bickering makes me feel totally and utterly defeated. I break down in tears. I feel like I have failed. I know the reality of the situation is probably very different than I see it, but I am so deeply discouraged. I don't want to homeschool anymore. I don't want to send them to school, as to me that seems even more like a failure of mine- I have built my identity around being a homeschooling mom for the past 11 years. But unless I can somehow dig myself out of this pit, I don't think homeschooling is a good idea, because it feels like drudgery and that can't be good for anyone, can it? I want to treat them like the treasures they are, but I am so discouraged each time they bicker or argue that I can't see past it and just feel soooo much like a failure.
I have taken a break, have not done school in months. I even took a trip alone with hubby for 4 days, no kids. I had hoped these things would recharge me. But they really haven't.
We have a Catholic school close by. We can afford it. But would I spiral into worse depression feeling like I failed at my mission in life? Or is it better to put them in now and get a break and repair whatever is wrong with me so things don't get worse?
I never imagined in a million years that I would feel this way. Surely, others must experience this sort of thing. This is beyond being a little down, this is real burnout and somehow it needs to get fixed. How?
__________________

[8arrows]

I wish I could talk to you and give you a hug in person. I think every homeschool mom struggles at times for her own unique reasons. Are you reading God's word and praying on a daily basis? Our enemy wants you to feel this way. He wants you to fail. Everytime I have struggled--miscarriage, injury, precarious pregnancy, character struggles with the children, there is one thing that always helped. I held on to truth. I held on to the promises of my Savior. He will never leave me or forsake me. If I feel alone, that is not truth. That is a lie from Satan that I must put away and claim the truth. If I claim it long enough, I do finally feel it too. For I know the plans I have for you. God knows exactly what he has planned for me everyday and it is good whether I can feel it right now or not. He works all things together for good according to His purpose. I am an heir with Jesus. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He gently leads those with young.....I think you get the idea. This is my secret weapon. Search the Scriptures. Write down his truths and CLING to them until you feel it as well as know it in your head. Discouragement is a downward spiral that needs conquered with truth. This is temporary. You are God's child, and he has mighty plans for you and your family. Hold fast! I will pray for you.

[Mom2Monkeys]

I want you to know you aren't the only one that's in this spot. I've been there, and really, I'm not out of it yet. I sent my kids to school...and that made it worse. Not b/c of failure but b/c there was NO time to enjoy them b/c they came home tired and cranky, bikering, homework to do while I needed to get dinner going and all that normal evening stuff, plus they wanted time with friends outside too. It made it so much worse. My DH really wanted them in school...and he was the one that told me they aren't going back, and even had me pull one back home after just one quarter.

I have the guilt of often not even liking them, and though I love them all dearly, I have my favorite...the baby of course. That saddens me and makes me feel like a bad mom...but at this point, he doesn't fight or rebel or bicker or tattle tale or refuse to do chores, etc...he isn't low maintenance, but it isn't the same. He is just a little one and his crying and fussing and needs are expected. He is a cuddler and I get such joy with him. It's the others that bring me down. Lazy, lying, mess making, loud, and all that jazz...I'm sure they are not "that bad" but to me, it's bringing me down so far! I want to not only love them, but like them...I really do. So see, I can so relate. You aren't the only one. I have so much joy looking at all these awesome HOD books but the actual schooling part is quite difficult. I know much change has to happen with me. I'm not having my personal quiet time in the Word like I should and I know that is not helping matters. I've had my ups and downs, and even started an anti-depressant that let me feel great! For about THREE weeks. Then it made me disconnected and unable to relate to others whatsoever...totally "I don't care". Now I'm weaning and I'm plain mean...angry...can't control my words and actions...I know it's the meds, but this one is a tough one to get off of. And that just brings me right back down more. I have that guilt I am scarring them for life. But, God is good. I try to remember that. I've also identified myself for the last several years (6 I think) as homeschooling mommy and maid...not as Tamara the wife, mom, daughter of the King, friend, woman....I need to be with friends more. I need to have a 'me' that isn't just about schooling. I don't know who I am outside of that right now.

Just want you to know you really aren't the only one that feels like this...and there is light and hope. I see glimpses every now and then...like when I get to actually shower...by myself! LOL I wasn't getting any sleep for the last 2 years b/c third trimester and new baby that just started sleeping through the night at 18m. I was really let down that getting sleep hasn't helped! I plan to get hormone levels tested and some other bloodwork asap. Oftentimes, we women just need balance not only outside our bodies but inside too. You may want to get that checked out. I'm hopeful that's going to show me some answers and I can get back to being who I really am! Praying for you...I'm glad you posted...It sure feels good to "confess" and take in some encouragement. (((hugs)))

[water2wine]

I am so sorry for your struggles. I think the enemy really wants to take our joy in hsing especially. That is something to pray specifically against and I will pray for you on this and your situation. One thing I want to suggest if at all possible a complete break from hsing since HOD is not the issue and using that time to focus completely on character and behavior. I might use the Bible and some short character curriculum and loving go over all the issues using the word to help them discover their heart issues while you do the same. We had a period where I was not getting good cooperation in general with my kids and I did this. It was wonderful for us and made a huge difference. This takes away hsing which is not really the issue it seems and puts you working on what is the issue. I hope that helps and make sense. Can't recommend taking that time enough. We chose to take an entire month and it was well worth it. My kids really grew in their faith during that time and it gave me a much needed break and time to focus on the real issues. Praying for you!

[netpea]

I could have written this post and also Tamara's reply. Praying specifically for my children helps and it helps when i remember to take my prenatals, as I am still nursing my toddler who has yet to sleep through the night.
I have never been good at routines. I need to start some and train the kids to help more. prayers coming your way.

[3sweeties]

I agree with all of these wonderful ladies -- you are not alone in feeling this way! Most all of us have felt like this at some point -- I had a particularly rough year this past school year with a new baby (who was not a good sleeper from Day 1), homeschooling two for the first time, and a preschooler in the mix! Looking back, the only way I made it through all the crazy hormone swings, sleep deprivation, and everyone needing me all the time was the Grace of God. It also helped me to write out scripture verses that ministered to me on index cards and put them where I would see them throughout the day and then PRAY them..."Jesus, I know that I can do ALL things through YOU who strengthens me--please give me your strength with (this child, kids arguing, this day, etc.)...keeping His Word at the forefront of my mind was all that kept me sane some days! I also began to keep a list of all the things-no matter how small-I am thankful for (from the book One Thousand Gifts), numbering them as I went, and found that it really helped me to focus on all God has blessed me with instead of thinking only about the negative.

I have found through the years that I am mostly an introvert and NEED time by myself--reading, writing, just BEING--or I will burn out on everything and everyone really, really quick! I try to remind myself to not feel guilty about taking that time weekly and it usually rejuvenates and recharges me, even if it is only for a few hours. It has also been really good for me to be in a small group of other moms for Bible study and prayer. I haven't been in one since the baby was born and I can definitely tell I need it!

Lots of (((HUGS))) and I will be praying for you!

[Mercy]

((Hugs)) to all of you!!
I cannot explain how I am feeling as I read each of these testamonies. This is such an important battle that many of us (apparently) are in the midst of now. It is so refreshing to hear that none of us are alone. As I began to think how to respond to these posts, I felt pressed to stir us up in hope! Many of us may be feeling weary in doing good...let us not give up so that we may reap in due season!;-) Maybe we need a fresh perspective in our situations that our Father sees even the small things we do for His Kingdom and is pleased!! We certainly all need to renew our minds in His word once again. I love the idea of writing scriptures that encouage and strenthen us on index cards that we can carry around. We need to be broken of the guilt that wants to drag us down since it does not bring a spirit of liberty, but of death. A friend says dwelling on our failures is a form of self love and I know personally that the more I dwell on my problems the bigger they seem and the smaller God appears in my mind. This is a tragedy since He is the Creator of the mountains that surround us, the amazing oceans that appear so endless, and He is the One who tells the sun to rise afresh each day!! Certainly He sees our situations and hears our cries! He knows our need. And He is more than able to handle every burden upon our hearts! As I pray through and battle through this season I am going through I will keep you ladies in my heart and mind. Some of the answers are simple, it could be a simple decision that turns the page, but it may be a bigger battle of some kind...regardless, I will boast in my weakness as Paul did - because it is Gods glory I am seeking! And I have found him to be faithful. Life is ever changing and our circumstances will not be forever!! Hallalullah! My decision is to continue to press through in homeschooling and every other area I have felt recently to be failing in...because in due season we shall reap!! I want a bountiful garden! Even if it takes all I have to pull the weeds and trim wherever neccessary!

Praying that you may be encouraged today for His kingdom!!!!!!

[psreit]

Add one more to the list. We want our dc to be loving, respectful, and obedient. If they are not, we feel we've failed as mothers. I've felt that way many times. I have to be careful that I don't listen to Satan's lies when he says I failed with my older three. They are all saved and living for the Lord. I'm just more aware of areas that I wish I would have handled differently. Yet, I still haven't done everything with dd8 that I wish I would have. We are human. We are not perfect. Our children aren't perfect. As basically the only homeschooler in my family, I have felt like I have to prove something. But, our homeschooled children are human.

Sending them to school does not make their behavior better. I put dd in a Christian school over a year ago because of problems I was having with her. It didn't take me long to realize that I had made a mistake. I have a niece who is trying to cut back her work to be home more with her 2yo ds and 9mo dd. I guess the 2yo is really keeping her stepping. She made the comment the other night that it makes her wonder why she wants to be home more. It made me think of when she was school age, her mom (my sister) said during a summer vacation that she couldn't wait for the kids to get back to school. All I can say is, they grow up soooo fast! Our ds was in school thru grade 6, and our dds were in school thru 4th and 2nd. I feel like I missed so much time with them. Our dd21 was born with spina bifida and intestinal problems. We had to make many trips to the dr. and hospital the first two years. I was away from the other two a lot, not to mention the time that was consumed in caring for the youngest. I know I didn't balance my time with them like I should have. I don't know where the years went. Once they are grown, you don't want to have regrets that you didn't spend more time with them. As far as sending them to school, that takes so much time from the parents. It's like someone else is raising them.

I guess I said all that to say this. Don't give up. Your dc will be grown and out of the house before you know it. Don't feel guilty when they 'sin'. Just do what the pps said. Pray for your dc and give them to the Lord. I think what water2wine said is a good idea. Take a break from the academic work and concentrate on character building through the Scriptures. I'm only homeschooling one and sometimes I feel like I spend so much time on the three R's and then don't get at some of the things that are most important. I'm getting geared up to begin Beyond, but I need to make sure I don't overlook areas that dd may need some help with before we begin academics or just spending quality time with her doing 'fun' stuff. So, your post has actually been a reminder for me to not expend all my energy on academics, but concentrating on dd's spiritual and emotional needs. Will pray that God will give you peace and patience. We all need it.

[deltagal]

Hello all,

lovetobe home, I don't see anything in your post that is alarming. It all sounds quite normal, really. And so, I wonder...what do you think would be renewing for you at this point? Is there a list of little things? Or is it one something in particular? Did you used to have a habit that you've somehow let slide that used to help you? Just thinking with you. I'll look forward to your thoughts.

[tnahid]

Freedom in Christ ministries...Please READ:
http://ficm.org/newsite/index.php?comma ... miinchrist

As a child of God, this IS YOUR IDENTITY. I wanted to share this with you and others who may read, as we homeschooling mothers struggle so much with identity issues, especially within the culture will live in, where what we do is very undervalued (even DEvalued). Yet, no matter what we DO, our identity is in WHO JESUS SAYS WE ARE as HIS CHILD! I hope this blesses and helps. I say these out loud EVERY MORNING over myself. I declare His Truth over the enemy's lies, and I praise the Lord that His Word is TRUE!

[Tansy]

I have to Chime in here as well. And I'd like to agree with Psreit. Don't listen to the lies of Saten.
I had a very oppositional adoptee, My girls got into a fist fight one day that is how bad the bickering got. ( I won't go into the hunger strike and other seriously bad behavior take my word for it it was Horrible!, And you would never have know it from the outside looking in.) My hubby was wonderful but he always thought if I just parented better things would be better at home. So I really was down on myself and thought it was all my fault. I actually got to the point of "I don't want to even look at my Kid I really really don't like her." (I did tell you it was horrible).

Hubby bought me a book called "Love is not enough" it is an adoption parenting book but it handles kid problems differently... The funny thing is it was just what I needed. It affirmed my parenting of my child cause I did really strange and outlandish stuff as discipline... When I saw the outlandish parenting I had done in the book as "how to handle that situation" It really helped me feel less like a failure as a Mom and a homeschooling Mom. My husband read the book and stopped telling me I was crazy.

I too sent one of my children to school it didn't help, in fact it dropped her backwards, I did need that break, but it was hard! No time to do anything, home work up to her eye balls and she couldn't keep up due to her developmental delays.

here are a few weird o things that have changed my life.
the token system... 3 grace tokens if they loose them all they sit in a time out that gets progressively longer. It doubles each time they end up loosing all 3 tokens. This came from a theripist who guaranteed me it would work in a week and it did. in the last 6 months my oppositonal child has only lost all three tokens two times... that equals such peace, she gets down to 1 last token and she hangs on to it with self control, and grace. And the time out place is boring and where I can see them.

peaceful house, if the kids start to bicker, argue, they have to take it outside (or if your in an apartment and outside is not "safe" to the bathroom), physical fights will be doused with water. They have to work it out I will only mediate if they are threatening to harm each other, and they can't come back in till they have worked it out. yes my kids have been outside in a rain storm in their PJ's because of fighting (for about 45 seconds... lol )

Husband puts them to bed, I know this may not be possible But I have the ability to disappear into my room after dinner and get some alone time (hugely helpful).

Re-wind. when my kiddos are really bratty in words to me and I don't want to turn it into a power struggle. I suggest they rewind and say it again politely... AKA
Mom I hate tuna I won't eat it for lunch.... rewind... (making wirring noise it helps) how bout you say Mom I do not like tuna may I have only a half sandwich.

Compromise: MOM I hate Tuna I won't eat it for lunch... do rewind... then offer a compromise. You do not have to eat tuna, you may make yourself a salad,
or I will make you a turkey sandwich but you need to do everyone's dishes if I make you something else.

Respite: My kids are driving me crazy, I'm losing my temper.. I call my friend Beth who then takes my kids for 2-3 hours and works them doing chores in her home. While I cool off.

That stuff has helped me so much because I don't have back talk often now. cause 3 back talks equal "time out." Bickering I do not hear because it's not MY problem it is theirs, I can hear it start and I just walk them to the side door and put them outside. They are learning to negotiate when they don't like something instead of whining. And I can get a break by asking for one.

Remember this is just a time you need to endure and persevere through I have been there, that place of dis-likeing my child and just wanting to be anywhere but where they are. It can get better and it will get better. I wish I could come over and hug you. And watch your kiddos so you could go grocery shopping alone.
Huggles,
Tansy

[Mercy]

Tansy,
Thank you so much for these wonderful and "from the trenches" ideas!! After rereading the first post I was thinking of offering the idea of having siblings work it out in the bathroom. It has worked wonders over here. My middle nd youngest are alwys at odds. It truly is a heart issue rooted deeply in my daughter for understandable reasons. Unless the Lord works a miracle, she will continue to wrestle w unforgiveness sadly. Anyway, love the token idea. And so appreciate you taking the time to give tangible ideas. I think we can get to the point that we almost become numb from trying to deal w the same issues over and over w no progress. Thank you for giving us new and fresh ideas!:-)

[happykate]

I don't post often (ever?), but I just have to come out of lurking to say what a blessing this is to me. I could have written several of these posts myself. I told dh just the other day that I really just long to enjoy the kids again. I love them all dearly, but it breaks my heart to sometimes really not like them! The bickering, laziness, selfishness, etc. is so overwhelming at times. I get so frustrated with them and then feel guilty and that their behavior is b/c of a failing on my part. I appreciate so, so much the encouragement of all you ladies---the honesty, vulnerability, and then the correct response and admonishment to turn to the Lord and His Word are so dear! In fact, just today I was praying about some final school decisions for next year and this board is just one of the many wonderful things that put me firmly in the HOD camp!

Just one quick thing that I've found has helped my attitude a bit is to try to be thankful every time things seem miserable here b/c they make me realize how I have to rely on Him. I've never been closer to the Lord than when we were going through some serious financial yuckiness a while back. I was on my knees (figuratively!) all day and it was really a time of sweet fellowship with Him. I hope that makes sense and comes out as I intend it. I just know myself and my weaknesses and I know that if I was too comfortable and happy with life here it would be easy, easy for me to be self-congratulatory and think I was doing it all so well on my own! I definitely don't feel that way right now with my kids and I write through tears in my eyes to say thank you for being honest about your own struggles!

Katie

ds 10 1/2
dd 8
ds 6 1/2
dd 3 1/2
dd 7 months

[Mom2Monkeys]

I feel so blessed by these boards! You have no idea (or perhaps you do!) the guilt that has been lifted off my just from reading this. I'm really not the only one that dislikes my kids sometimes! And my kids aren't the only homeschooled kids with attitudes and issues and brattiness that make me want to not let anyone in public know they are homeschooled (for fear of giving it a bad wrap! LOL ) . I needed to hear these replies and suggestions.

I just LOVE the token idea....may implement that one myself. And the bathroom bickering. And many others are worth considering as well! I agree about taking a break for character training. I've just implemented something I'm really liking to help them understand and choose VIRTUE... and also another that I love to help guide them with heart probing questions and God's word when they don't choose virtue. Oh, and a book that gives me some incredibly creative ideas for discipline that works. Although times like this it's hard to implement and that's when we need it most...it's MY attitude. I've blogged about them here.

http://thomasschooldays.blogspot.com/20 ... iends.html

http://thomasschooldays.blogspot.com/20 ... rtues.html

http://thomasschooldays.blogspot.com/20 ... -side.html

[Mercy]

Great article I found this afternoon!!
Scroll down to where it says "Rest for weary Homeschool Moms"
http://faithandfamilybooks.com/home/
It is long, but worth printing out or taking notes on!
Mercy