Trouble in my Heart

[tnahid]

I believe I have more vividly realized that I have bitterness/unforgiveness issues in my heart toward my 10-year old son. I believe the Spirit is showing me this, and it is very painful, as I truly love my son. But he has always been a struggle for me, and it seems that his personality/defiance/attitude and everything like that has always been very difficult for me to handle. Has anyone been through this with any of their children? I truly hate that I have to see this in myself. I feel like a failure in many ways. I try so hard, and I pray for God's love to flow through me, but it is a DAILY struggle with him. I would love to hear experiences or any tips you may have for me in this. It is almost like sometimes, I feel hatred in me at him...and this I really am sad about. I don't want that.

Blessings...

[lmercon]

I can imagine that must be very hard for you. My sil struggles with this too as she has a very challenging ds as well. He is 12 and has been demanding and incredibly difficult from day 1! However, he does have a very loving, compassionate side to him too. She has learned to search out the good he does and the positive aspects of every day. Keep in prayer. Ask God to help soften your heart so that you will be aware when your ds acts appropriately or responds positively. It may be that the only compassionate thing he does all day is lift the earthworm from the driveway to the dirt, but if you are looking for it, you'll be able to encourage him. Hopefully, that positive interaction with you will encourage him to look for more ways to act in a pleasing fashion. I would also encourage you to have consistent "date" nights with your ds. Take time to go out to a place where you two can reconnect and talk about things that interest him. I would suggest you not use that time to discuss yours and his "issues." Just have fun conversation and get to know your little boy again.
hth,
Laura

[John'smom]

I just wanted to say that I'm definitely praying for you and it takes a lot of humbleness to even voice this. The Lord will bless humbleness. (((HUGS)))

I guess my first thoughts are, are you feeling this way because of behavior issues? If so, I'd find a way to work on them. It will be harder since he's older, but not impossible. I once heard a preacher say, if you feel frustrated with a child, it's because the child needs training. Maybe your issues are something else. With your ds' age, you have to get him on your side (get his heart like Solomon says in Proverbs), so that he wants to change as well.

How for you, a verse popped in my mind I wanted to share with you. Psalm 18:35, "Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy right hand hath holden me up, and thy gentleness hath made me great." David said he was made great by God's gentleness. When you are feeling frustrated, bitter, or whatever, just pray God will give you the gentleness that you need in your dealings with your ds.

Again praying. (((HUGS)))

[tnahid]

Thank you both so much...I could feel my Father's grace upon me today, and my son and I had a wonderful day the rest of the day! Thank you for the wonderful advice that both of you gave, and I love the Bible verse...yes, gentleness is always the right answer. Bless you both, and thank you again for the encouraging and comforting words.

[tnahid]

P.S. Edwena, yes it is mainly behavioral and personality conflicts. He is a strong-willed son, and I am a strong-willed mom. We are both first borns, which probably has something to do with our head-butting at times too. He has just always been a pretty hard son for me to raise, from day 1, but today I prayed and gave any bitterness or any negative words I have ever spoken over him to the Lord and repented of it. I asked my Father to break anything off of my son's life that I may have ignorantly spoken over him, such as "he's so stubborn," or sarcastic comments that I might make to others, such as rolling my eyes or saying, "Will he ever learn?" or "He's such a boy" in a derogatory way (not to his face, but it still goes into the spirit realm even when we speak negatively about our children) Our Lord brought this to me very clearly, and so I prayed over this. I feel so much better now. Grace has flowed over me today. Blessings!

[MrsMandy]

I have this issue with my 15 year old son and boy we can having hollaring matches to boot. My DS8 is also following his footsteps or trying. They both are really good kids with good hearts but having Aspergers and ADHD and Diabetes between the 2 of them it's hard to figure out the issue until it is ceiling high KWIM I have begun doing this, I seperate myself from his arguing. I send him to a corner upstairs away from us all, then if he continues to argue he will write out his lesson after that lesson if he starts again he gets a demerit which is loss of video games, 2 demerits is no outside influence at all (friends, movies, music, puter) 3 demerits is early bedtime and discussion with daddy. I am trying to give him enough slack to come back from his anger and make amends and it is giving me time to cool down. I have only just begun this but he has pulled me in 2 out of 3 times.
I am realizing it is quicker, calmer, and sends a "take no prisoners" message if I just immediately send him to the corner. Yes he is 15 and is sent to the corner and he actually is learning to stay there because if he doesn't then the time is extended. The first time he was there for 45 minutes of his own doing because he kept turning around to try and start another "but I" argument. My 8 y/o usually only needs the demerits and he starightens up, he hates not being able to play outside with his friends. I hope this helps you and I f you want I can send you my demerit chart.
Oh and yes we all have those attitudes here and I finally called them what they were and told the rest of my family "that attitude you have, that heart issue, that anger, and frustration, it is all hate! Yes Hate! And if you don't learn to control it and use the anger in a constructive way it will burn you up and make your life hell" I am trying to show my family how to use anger constructively but am so bad at it myself I could use some advice there other than going and deep cleaning my kitchen. Extra Chores is one way I get the kids to see it, however.

[John'smom]

Mandy,

I have a CD on anger and at the end the preacher gives some ideas for success over anger and so I thought I'd share them here:

Keys to Success Over Anger
1. Recognize the problem and its seriousness
2. Desire victory enough to cry out to God.
3. Repent of the sin. Say to God, "I want to turn from this sin."
4. Confess the sins of forefathers and ask God in the name and through the power of Jesus to break any curse that is coming down the generations.
5. Ask God to take back the ground that Satan has taken because of anger.
6. See the connection between anger and lust. When lust prevails so does anger. They're twin sisters.
7. Watch for people and things that are going to come your way to make you angry. Don't sin and get angry. Answer softly.
8. Purpose to Enter the presence of friends and family member with praise. Praise is a motivator, magnet, and defense.
9. Ask God daily to fill you with the fruit of the Spirit and to produce that fruit in your life. Pray the Scripture.
10. Make yourself fully accountable. Ask your mate if there was even a "spirit" of anger in you that day.

Don't just repent of the outward manifestation of anger, but any spirit of anger.

I'll share some verses that I've recently wrote on a sticky note on the front of my Bible as I'm reading through Proverbs.

Proverbs 16:32 He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.

Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

Proverbs 19:11 The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.

Proverbs 12:18 There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health

Proverbs 12:25 Heaviness in the heart of man maketh it stoop: but a good word maketh it glad

Proverbs 16:21 The wise in heart shall be called prudent: and the sweetness of the lips increaseth learning. Love this verse when it comes to school, but just anything to be honest that I want my dc to learn.

It's so amazing what an affect our words have on each other. It's truly immeasureable. To think too that God decided to use His Word today to speak to us, instead of an angel or a sign. Again that just shows how powerful words are.

[holyhart]

I'll be praying for you. My ds5 can push my buttons too, perhaps not to the extrem that yours is with you but it can be rather trying. This may not be helpful, but when this is happening and I have said or felt something I shouldn't, (ok, not DURING...but after...my emotions calm a bit), I ask God 2 questions.

1. What heart issue are You showing me I need to train/correct in him?

2. What heart issue do You want to train/correct in me? (This is the much harder question!)

Sometimes it is the same thing in both of us as God is using my son as a mirrow reflecting my own flaws. But after I ask those questions, it is up to me (after God has revealed it to me) to work on finding scriptures to work out what needs working out. He is our Helper and will continue to faithfully help us overcome when we come to Him and humble ourselves.

God will often use others in our lives, including our children as sandpaper in our lives to smooth down and remove our "rough spots". Sand paper doesn't feel good.

[tnahid]

So true, Kelly. Thank you for those thoughts. Reflection is very important, yes. Edwena, thank you for those steps to resolving anger. I have done several but not all of them. But I most definitely will go through this very prayerfully in my quiet time with my Father tonight. Today has been a much better day. Not too much conflict, much more love flowing. I spent time with the Lord last night just lying before him and listening to praise music and worshipping Him, sitting at His feet. I have been neglecting this lately. I truly feel it in my body though when I am about to have my womanly time. I don't want to make excuses for this kind of emotional issue, but it is ALWAYS worse with everyone when the "week before" rolls around. I am taking some natural hormonal pills, but I think I need to double up on them the week before. Anyway, but I know that isn't my WHOLE issue, and I thank you all so much for the wisdom and counsel. Words cannot say how much I appreciate all of your care, concern and words. Bless you all...