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I am looking for ideas for mommy time. Maybe some of you do this with your children. My dd(7) is adopted and has some security issues. She has done well, for the most part, since we have been taking care of the baby. However, she has been making it known on occasion that she is jealous that the baby gets so much attention. Oh, she loves the baby dearly, but sometimes she gets jealous. So, I told her we would begin having mommy time, where it is just the two of us. She just loved it the first time we did it. She wanted to go outside and dig in the frozen dirt. She keeps saying she needs mommy time if I am getting too busy. I need to make this a regular part of my day. Anyone have ideas of things we could do? Most of the time it would be when the baby is sleeping. I had three biological dc and didn't have this problem, but we are dealing with a totally different child now. I don't want to neglect her. She definitely has some emotional needs. I want it to be an exciting part of her day. Thanks for any help.

Hello to a fellow adoptive mother. Isn't adoption a beautiful thing?

Something I have been doing with mine is trying to take each of them on a "date" separately. I don't know if this would work for you, but about once a month, I try to take each of the kids out to eat or to a movie, just the two of us. You could put this on the calendar and tell her when it gets to that day, that it's going to be your date night.

Other options would be to set a timer and tell her "Okay, this is our time. When the timer rings, then I will need to do something else." Maybe during this time, you have a tea party, read books, let her "fix your hair," bake something together in the kitchen, or something like this?

I hope that might be of help. Where is your daughter adopted from? Our daughter is from Ethiopia. She is 4.

Blessings!

preparing food together? My kids fight over who gets to cook with me or DH.
clean together?
play a game that sneaks in math?
She draws a picture while you write a letter/card to someone and then include her picture in the envelope.

we do once a week "dates" 1-3 hour blocks of time sometimes all we do is window shop.
Or get a tea at a coffee shop.
Or take a walk in a park,
Or stay home and paint nails or go to the Salon and get them done for 5$
Or just be together.

that is what is so great about it. The knowledge that for x amount of time per week they have you all to them selves. That is all that matters.

Tina - Yes, adoption is wonderful. Our dd is adopted through our state. She was in foster care and came to live with us permanently 2 months shy of her 3rd birthday. She will be 8 in May. Hard to believe - time goes so fast! We are now caring for a baby (since birth) whose mother is incarcerated. It looks like a very good possibility that we could have her with us at least until mid to late 2012 if nothing changes.

Even though dd would not want the baby to leave, I can see when I am busy that it will affect her attitude and behavior. She will even say that the baby gets more attention. I try to explain that the baby can't take care of herself. She understands that, but I know she needs some special one-on-one time with me. It's just so hard some days, because when the baby is sleeping, that is when I like to get school work done. If I try when the baby needs fed or held, it is too distracting for her (she has some attention issues as well). I had thought about the date night away from home. I will have to get my dh and 2 grown dds involved to care for the baby when we go out. Thanks for your input.

Bramble - Yes, dd loves to help in the kitchen and with cleaning. I haven't consistently invited her to help, but I will have to make it point to do that. I guess I'm like my mother. She had 8 dc, but she would rather just get things done herself. Doing something together for someone else is a good idea. Thanks.

Tansy - As I stated to Tina, I am going to try to add the date night to our schedule. I know, with dd, she won't care what we do, as long as it is just the two of us. I'm just not a structured person, so I don't always get done what I intend to. So, I do need to set a time aside and just do it, no matter what else needs to be done. DD would like it be everyday, though.

In addition to the things posted above can she help you take care of the baby? Learn to help feed or prepare a bottle, change diapers, bring toys and play, or teach baby to do new "tricks"-pat a cake or sit up or wave bye... Maybe giving her time to bond with the baby would help to ease some of the fear she feels of being ignored--show her that she's an important part of your family and that you need her help.

Definitely not to replace anytime that you get to spend alone with her, though! That's something that sounds very important to her!

mom23 - DD does help with the baby sometimes, like feeding or just holding her. I can find some small ways for her to help, but I think the time alone with me is the crucial thing. She loves the baby and will help, but if she thinks the baby is getting more attention, she lets me know.

Pam,

The ladies have already shared such good ideas. So, I'll just share a simple one. Maybe on the weekdays you and your daughter could begin a "tea time" in the afternoon during the baby's nap. It could be just 15-20 min. long but you could have special teacups that you serve it in and maybe a teapot. If you're not tea drinkers, I will share that my grandma taught each of her grandchildren to be tea drinkers by adding milk and several spoonfuls of sugar to our tea originally, although I don't use milk or sugar in my tea anymore. You could get a tea sampler with different types of tea bags (decaff. likely) at any grocery store and try tea types until you find some you like. Or, just start with black tea. We did.

Anyway, when it gets close to tea time each day, your daughter could get out the tea items and set the table for the two of you. Then, have her bring anything to the table she'd like to share with you or talk about. It could be a book she's reading, or a project she's doing, or something from school. You could bring something too. Eventually, you'll probably just talk at your tea time, which is probably what she is craving the most. I think this may be an easy way to have something just for the two "grown-up girls" as tea is not for babies! Just a thought.

Blessings,
Carrie

Thanks for the idea, Carrie. Angie does have a special 'fragile' tea set. She would enjoy doing that on a regular basis. Funny you should mention if we are not tea drinkers. Angie loves tea, and so does dh. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot develop a taste for it. I think I will need to continue to use a substitute in my teacup. Angie doesn't care what is in the teacup. She just loves pretending, and I will certainly add that to 'mommy time'. I am trying to come up with somewhat of a 'schedule' or routine to our days. I know it would be a very positive thing for Angie. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I put this in my other post .....to you...but cant find it now! Holding Time.....is a great book and so important for kids from trauma....hold her in your lap with her looking into your eyes....just talk to her....for at least 20 minutes EVERY day.....when she makes eye contact give her something sweet...like a sugar baby....sugar is super bonding....like the mothers breast milk...let her soak all the love from your eyes into her soul....never look at her with anger....only loving eyes....they will heal...and help her feel trust and safe...safety is BIG for these kids....I for one would be very careful about letting her take care of the baby....She needs to feel you are strong enough to not only take care of her but the baby too....and trauma causes kids to not have good boundaries....She needs to feel that love and soak it up and she will get stronger...I think sometimes we want to treat these children like they have *normal* backgrounds...they do not....they are younger emotionally ....and so do not always do age appropriate behavior....Hopefully she has her own room as well.....Maybe this is a good time for me to duck to miss anything you may feel like throwing at me!! lol....I am not trying to be pessimistic I have just done lots of classes camps and been involved with one of the top trauma attachment therapists in the country....Trauma can be healed ...the road is long! What works for children without trauma ....does not work for children with trauma...their brains need to heal..and there is ways to do this....that work....there is hope!!!! Beth in Idaho

Beth,
I appreciate your thoughts. You definitely have an understanding of these kids. It is easy to expect them to be 'normal'. I get upset when comments are made to dd by others who are expecting her to act 'normally', but I find myself expecting that sometimes and then my reaction to her behaviors hinder more than help. Then I get discouraged and feel like I'm failing her. So, thank you for sharing this. I like the idea of the lap time. DD is almost 8, so we don't do that as often, but she may still need that time. When she came to live with us at 2yrs 10mo, for the first week, she just wanted me hold her and rock and rock her. Just the last few days, when holding and nurturing the baby, I've really stopped to think about how things were for her as a baby. We really can't fully imagine what these dc have experienced. When the baby cries hard that she has tears, just because she is hungry, sleepy, or has been startled(which we tend to immediately), it brings to reality the depths of how much dd7's deprivation has affected her. Just pray for dh and myself, that we would have wisdom in knowing how to deal with her special needs.

I'm sorry for taking space on this board, dealing with this. To include HOD in this, I have to once again thank Carrie for this curriculum. Other than my lack of scheduling and structure to my days , HOD has been great for dd. She loves the Burgess books (so do I ) and although she is struggling some with reading and writing (and keeping her attention), her comprehension is really good. My evaluator recently asked me how her comprehension is and was pleased that it is good, so it reminded me to be thankful for those areas in which dd is doing well and not just focus on the problem areas. God bless the ministry of Heart of Dakota!

Hi Pam....I hear you....and will respond back a bit later probably tonight when I am done with homeschooling....Tuesday is one of the busiest days for us with home school gymnastics and swimming ....so if I dont get a chance today ....for sure tomorrow!! Hang in there....I know how energy sucking these days can be....And yes it may seem age wise that holding is something these children do not need...yet we need to go back and rewire all the things they missed The first 36 months are huge in a childs life....when they come from trauma....we get to help them re do that part.....some put their children back on bottles so they can have that time of sucking...and soaking up love....to re wire that part of the brain that was not nurtured....And Praise the Lord you found HOD!!!! It has been a HUGE blessing for us!!! And it is terrific for bonding as well.....Beth