What to do with a dd that is lazy...?

ktwensel · Post by **ktwensel** » Thu Jan 06, 2011 10:08 am

This is our third year homeschooling and our first with HOD. We are loving the ease of HOD and it is working so much better for me to implement. My DS is a breeze to homeschool - compliant, easy going, willing to do most anything I ask. My DD is a different story. She is very strong willed, a totally different personality than I am. She was in ps through 2nd grade and she loved it. She is now in fifth and it has been a struggle to get her to "conform" to school at home ever since we started homeschooling. Her attitude has gotten better this year, she doesn't throw as many fits, but I have a terrible time to get her to try her best. She does everything just to get it done and move on. No thought or desire to think things through, answer questions more fully, etc. She really doesn't care about school and doesn't like to be challenged. She is extremely bright. She was tested for giftedness is school. I used to think she was just bored and didn't like the curriculum we were using. I have switched so many times I can't count. I finally realized it was not the curriculum. Since I found HOD I am not switching EVER!!!! Sometimes I think I should just put her back into school and continue homeschooling my DS. I am so afraid that will push her away even farther. We've talked (heart to heart) with her, we've yelled, we've removed privileges, we've taken the "I don't care, we are moving on" approach. Nothing phases her. I really don't know what motivates this child! Any words of advice before I pull what's left of my hair out???

PS. I should add - I really feel God has called us to homeschool. Somedays I really have to rely on Him for the strength I need to make this happen. I have prayed over Taylor's attitude constantly. I just don't want her to grow up and be uneducated and unmotivated.

doubleportion · Post by **doubleportion** » Thu Jan 06, 2011 11:07 am

We've had similar issues with our dd in other areas (not school work). I found we had to hit her where she felt it. Taking away toys or certain things at home didn't matter to her. But when we threatened to take away her art classes or ballet, she realized we meant what we said. It was particularly striking to her when she missed out on our church's new years eve fellowship because of her lack of obedience in certain areas.

Maybe you can figure out what is her love language and work to build her up through that, while finding what really matters to her that would be of greatest impact to be removed as a consequence. My dd's love language is quality time and if she doesn't get that need met we see more issues with her in obedience.

Don't know if any of this sounds helpful. I will be praying that the Lord will give you wisdom and insight into your dd's heart.

Edie

water2wine · Post by **water2wine** » Thu Jan 06, 2011 11:12 am

I have a dd with cerebral palsy, so on the other end of your child. But she is hard to motivate because if it is too hard she shuts down and she tries to fake doing stuff. I have done a million heart to hearts and brutal truth talks about what the future will have for her if she does not progress in math and reading. Not that I expect more than she is capable of but do expect her absolute best. I have found what really works for her is to have very detailed checks and balances. And by that for instance with her I have her read the directions to me so she knows what is being asked of her. I ask her to tell me in her own words what is being said. I have her show me the first few problems or the beginning of her work and then she has to show me the final product. All that has a consequence if it is not done. You do the consequence that will make them remember.

So with a smarter kid I would do a similar thing with a check list and they have to show me in stages the quality of their work. I would base that on where they struggle in delivery their full effort. I did this with my oldest child who really sounds a lot like your daughter does and she finally got to a point where she will do a good job the first time and really deliver without being watched so heavily though I still check her work. I think with smarter kids they get lost in the drudgery of what they have to do and are used to understanding so they can get careless. Having some checks and balances helps. I know others will have great ideas but hope this helps a bit.

Just don't let her attitude weaken your resolve of the call God gave you to homeschool. She won't show more initiative in ps most likely. When my dd was in ps they assumed her test scores were off because she was so smart and really it was her not putting in the effort. Hsing is the best environment to learn discipline and good habits. Attitude stuff takes a season or two to fix so hang in there and keep strong in Him.

mrsrandolph · Post by **mrsrandolph** » Thu Jan 06, 2011 8:39 pm

I think that first and foremost we have to work in instilling in our children the strong and heartfelt belief that they are working to the Glory of God.

I mean, for the rest of their lives, that is why they will do EVERYTHING they do.

So, I would continue those heart to hearts.

Secondly, I would CRY OUT TO THE LORD on behalf of your daughter because this is a heart issue. He can change it. As silly as it may sound, pray for her while she listens. Then also pray for her as she sleeps at night.

Thirdly, the Bible tells us that foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child and the rod of correction will drive it far from them. When she is lazy, give her one warning per day. Then spank the daylights out of her. Use something that will make an impact, otherwise, what's the point. Be consistent. Remember, you are training her soul.

Lastly, I strongly recommend Ted Tripps book "Shepherding A Child's Heart". He also has one for older kids called "Age Of Opportunity". But I would start with the first one.

I have dealt with a lazy girl myself...she had a bad attitude. We started with the one warning a day system, then spanked her EVERY SINGLE TIME she displayed a lazy sinful attitude. She is a new child.

May God Bless your efforts!

Tansy · Post by **Tansy** » Thu Jan 06, 2011 11:30 pm

I often find myself using these few techniques these days with my dd1 she is my more difficult to parent child. Also she suffers from what I call adoptee trauma and "tried an true" parenting techniques don't' work with her.

The first is the rewind, (I've only just been able to use this with good effect.) we rewind to the point where she missed the boat... if I say do your work and she keeps playing with her doll... where I once escalated the situation by demanding instant obedience, by saying things like "Your not listening! Im taking away your doll. I now say You are not obeying do you want to have a rewind? and try that listening thing again? now she is looking me in the eye... And I deliver my request again.. Scripting it as I go... now you say "yes mama" etc...

I also use consequential parenting... today she dawdled in the car and we had a staff meeting and due to her dawdling we were running about 5 min late. So when she took 3 min getting out of the car... it being a very safe ministry parking lot... I went on without her. And when she hit the locked door... she had to wait, get the attention of a kitchen staff to let her in. (btw never was she out of my sight) but if she is going to dawdle I'm not holding the door open for her for 3 min while she drops everything 5 times... she managed to catch up before we hit the auditorium. No punishment or discipline on my part i just let her suffer the consequences of her actions "cause and effect" dawdling = your locked out.

The last is 3 grace tokens every morning but when they are gone you get time outs that get longer and longer each time out you incur one (they build one upon the other 10 turns to 20 turns to 30 ). I'm glad to say I have not had to put her in a building time out in over 6 months now... but since I have that history with her she holds on to her last grace token every day... And it didn't take that long for her for her to understand staring at a wall for most of the day is very unfun...

here is a blog that may encourage you and give you some other nuggets to try it will get better!!
http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2011/ ... r-parents/

tnahid · Post by **tnahid** » Thu Jan 06, 2011 11:40 pm

Boy, do I know about a strong-willed child!!! My DS who is almost 10 came out of the womb with a chip on his little shoulder! HeeHee! (I am serious. I have a picture of him a few minutes after birth in my husband's arms staring at him with the most intense and scrupulous stare, which I have seen many times over the years since). He is NOT easy for me to teach by any stretch of the imagination, and he often complains. But, today we literally had a STAND-OFF at home. He cried, tried to manipulate, gave me a dirty mean look that made me want to rip my heart out or rip his head off! I am sorry, but in the moment it is intense!

But I had to stand my ground. I told him I would not help him or sit with him to do his work because he was complaining about it. I told him he would sit in the chair until he was done with it, and it was up to him how long it took. He KNEW how to do what he was working on, and I KNEW it. He just wanted me to do it for him. No way. So, I was resolute, and I told him if he had to sit in that chair for 2 hours, I didn't care. He was going to work on it ALONE and get it done. After a LOT of huffing and puffing, crying, saying "What's wrong with you, Mom?" he finished it, and it was perfect! He came and showed me, and I hugged him and built him up and told him, "See! I knew you could do this!" I think he learned a lesson that if he wants me to sit with him and help him, then his attitude has to be right. Otherwise, he will end up doing it ALONE with no help or encouragement from me, and he will have to SIT that much longer. He did NOT like that a bit!

After it was over, he said, "Wow, Mom, I did it. I got them all right. I love you, Mom." WOW...it was so draining, but so worth it to see him proud of his accomplishment (looking up all the words in a dictionary, that was what the struggle was over

)

With a strong willed child, they must KNOW that you will NOT back down or be manipulated. They must KNOW that your love is unconditional, but that they can NOT manipulate or control you.

I hope this helps you! It was only by God's grace that I could remain calm. I am learning...I am learning...

Joselle173 · Post by **Joselle173** » Fri Jan 07, 2011 10:53 am

You described our household but it's flipped (dd is the breeze, ds is the one who is challenging.) I've done various things, but mostly what has worked is to set a timer for the work he needs to complete and when the timer goes off, it's time to move on and what's not done ACCURATELY becomes homework. And it not's considered done till it's correct. I've also started using an approach that has been working wonders. For every time one of the kids acts up with an attitude or gives me grief, they lose 10 minutes off their bedtime (ie.., if bedtime is normally 8:30, then they have to go to bed at 8:20, etc.) It adds up quickly. Today ds lost 20 minutes in the first 1/2 hour of school. He sobered up rather quickly, I might add.

I try to address the heart issue as well; it's difficult with him - I would've never pegged him as a strong-willed child, because I've seen strong-willed children before; ds is more of a passive-strong-willed type, if that makes sense! So it's a real challenge to get him to see why his attitude is wrong and why it's not acceptable.

water2wine · Post by **water2wine** » Fri Jan 07, 2011 3:56 pm

Just reading Shannon's response I remember something else I did that was huge. I prayed often to God to show me specifically what my child needed to be taught, both how and what. God is really faithful in answering that.

ktwensel · Post by **ktwensel** » Fri Jan 07, 2011 8:28 pm

I want to thank you all for your wonderful responses and encouragement.

I look forward to Monday as we make some changes. Hopefully, it will be a much more relaxed last half of the year.

my3sons · Post by **my3sons** » Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:50 am

Karen - just a few different thoughts that came to mind to add to this already well answered thread. It seems oldest dc want to be independent. I know my oldest does, and I know both of my sisters' oldest ds/dd do, and that was the way it was in our own family growing up with my oldest sis as well. If your oldest dd is bright and has a strong desire to be independent, she may resent too much teaching time. My oldest ds is that way. He honestly cannot stand how I hover sometimes, and I don't know what I did that other than he was my first-born and I was used to hovering over him. This longing for independence and control over his day, along with him liking to get school done in a timely fashion, effects his attitude toward school (and toward me) immensely. Another thought, some dc do just what the assignment asks them to do and no more. Their answers are to the point, you can't fault them for what they answered because it is correct, but that extra effort or individual creativity/personality put into work is just missing. I've come to be alright with that. If my ds has done what he was asked to do, I accept it and let him move on. I was not always this way. I'd want him to color it even if the directions didn't ask him to. If the directions asked for 5-7 sentences, I'd want him to do 7 sentences always, and I didn't want to accept the 5 he'd done. If the directions asked him to draw a simple picture, I still really wanted it to be more than that.

So, a few things have helped my ds enjoy school and get along well with me.

One, he has his own copy of the schedule and follows it without me telling him what to do all the time. Two, he starts and ends his day independently. I have one checkpoint in the middle where I check his work with him and do my teaching block time with him. This has worked much better than interacting with him throughout the day about it. Three, if he does what he is asked to do, it is good work and fairly neat, I accept it. Four, I do not draw out discussions. Five, we work to make sure he finishes school by lunchtime (so he can REALLY be in control of his day then

). He is a smart boy and does extremely well on his testing, but he likes to get school done and get to the rest of his life too. I'm okay with that now, and have decided not to take it personally.

I hope something here can help!
In Christ,
Julie

daybreaking · Post by **daybreaking** » Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:16 am

my3sons wrote:Karen - just a few different thoughts that came to mind to add to this already well answered thread. It seems oldest dc want to be independent. I know my oldest does, and I know both of my sisters' oldest ds/dd do, and that was the way it was in our own family growing up with my oldest sis as well. If your oldest dd is bright and has a strong desire to be independent, she may resent too much teaching time. My oldest ds is that way. He honestly cannot stand how I hover sometimes, and I don't know what I did that other than he was my first-born and I was used to hovering over him. This longing for independence and control over his day, along with him liking to get school done in a timely fashion, effects his attitude toward school (and toward me) immensely. Another thought, some dc do just what the assignment asks them to do and no more. Their answers are to the point, you can't fault them for what they answered because it is correct, but that extra effort or individual creativity/personality put into work is just missing. I've come to be alright with that. If my ds has done what he was asked to do, I accept it and let him move on. I was not always this way. I'd want him to color it even if the directions didn't ask him to. If the directions asked for 5-7 sentences, I'd want him to do 7 sentences always, and I didn't want to accept the 5 he'd done. If the directions asked him to draw a simple picture, I still really wanted it to be more than that.

So, a few things have helped my ds enjoy school and get along well with me. One, he has his own copy of the schedule and follows it without me telling him what to do all the time. Two, he starts and ends his day independently. I have one checkpoint in the middle where I check his work with him and do my teaching block time with him. This has worked much better than interacting with him throughout the day about it. Three, if he does what he is asked to do, it is good work and fairly neat, I accept it. Four, I do not draw out discussions. Five, we work to make sure he finishes school by lunchtime (so he can REALLY be in control of his day then ). He is a smart boy and does extremely well on his testing, but he likes to get school done and get to the rest of his life too. I'm okay with that now, and have decided not to take it personally.

I hope something here can help!
In Christ,
Julie

Julie,

Can I just say that I LOVE your heart! You have spoken to me more times than you know in your responses. I love how you take the time and care to truly understand your children and work with them. Thank you for sharing!

ktwensel · Post by **ktwensel** » Sun Jan 09, 2011 6:52 pm

daybreaking wrote:
Julie,

Can I just say that I LOVE your heart! You have spoken to me more times than you know in your responses. I love how you take the time and care to truly understand your children and work with them. Thank you for sharing!

This is so true! Julie, you are an inspiration. THANK YOU for caring enough about us to offer encouragement, suggestions, etc. Your posts are well received and eagerly awaited!

tnahid · Post by **tnahid** » Sun Jan 09, 2011 8:46 pm

I ditto that! I love to read Julie's thoughtful responses! (I also love reading all the other wonderful ladies on here as well. You are all so precious!)

my3sons · Post by **my3sons** » Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:45 pm

Oh thanks so much! This was such a "pick-me-up" for me. I am blessed to be in the company of lovely ladies like you.

In Christ,
Julie

heartofdakota.com

What to do with a dd that is lazy...?

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