Encouragement Needed...badly

[ktwensel]

I am so excited to be using HOD - we really need to work on some heart issues at our house, but today was rough. I look at the pictures that many of you post and see happy, excited children eagerly doing their work and I long for that! My dc are just not there yet. Right now it is a struggle to get everything done because of all the interruptions, complaining, or my constant nagging.

I know Satan will attack when we are actively seeking God's will in our lives. My dc have been argumentative, lazy, unfocused, and totally unconcerned with school for the past week. I really don't know if they have retained anything this week. Every math or English lesson my dd does, she has to re-do because she doesn't read directions, isn't focusing, or doesn't want to do it. I go over everything she does before she does it and it is like she just doesn't remember. She is extremely bright and she can remember the things she wants to remember! We have had an ongoing battle since I brought her home from ps after 2nd grade (she's in 5th now). To make matters worse, ds is totally compliant which irritates her. He gets his work done first (she says its because she has too much and her's is too hard) and usually gets everything right. He does try a lot harder than she does. I love her so much and I need her to see that she must work to accomplish the challenges that lie ahead of her. We've talked about heart issues to the point that sometimes she just tunes us out. I pray for her all the time, sometimes going into her room at night while she is sleeping just to sit pray. I've prayed over her books. The amazing part is, this child loves to read her Bible, memorize Bible verses, and do her Bible homework. Last year, she memorized 165 Bible verses. She is quick to learn them. Sometimes she reads them two or three times and that's all it takes. That is what is frustrating. She has the ability to do it. I know right now it seems to be head knowledge and it hasn't reached her heart yet.

I'm sorry to vent. If this post is inappropriate, please feel free to delete it. I don't have any famiy living family members and sometimes I think dh just doesn't understand. He's a ps high school teacher and thinks schedules, time limits, homework, etc. are the answer. Some of that may be true, but with hs and all of the variables that go with it, it is sometimes hard to implement. I have been so close, many times, to enrolling them back in ps. I just feel that this is a calling from the Lord and He will enable me to so it and do it properly.

You ladies are wonderful here. Thank you for listening!

[cirons]

Hi Karen,

firstly, big hugs! Hard days (or weeks) often make me challenge my decisions too, let alone my ability as a parent and homeschooler etc etc!

I may be waaaay off base here so please don't take it to heart if I am wrong or have not understood the sentiment behind your post.

Firstly, I know that before we did HOD both my kids often finished school at the same time but now I have one on Beyond and my dd in Preparing so she often needs to study for an extra 2 hours than her brother. Both the kids find this hard sometimes because my ds wants to play with his sister and she is unavailable because she is 'still' doing school and I am helping her. My dd loves doing school but it takes time some days to keep her focused because her brother is playing around her and doing things she wants to do. In order to help this, I often try to start her school before her brother's so we get a good head start and some good quality reading time with her so she can work independently for a while when I am doing Beyond with her brother.

Another thought while I was reading your post was 'what is her love language'??? Have you read the book 'The 5 Love Languages for Children'? What is your daughter's love language and is her love tank full or in need of a top up? I know my weakest area is words of affirmation, and I am so not a good verbal encourager and yet this is what my daughter desires from me on a daily basis! She is also a quality time girl and needs regular one on one time with mum and when that doesn't happen, she can get ratty!

I have also noticed that at this time of year, I am tired and the kids are ready for a rest as well so I don't push so hard and I am finding myself doing Preparing at half pace for the last week or so because it is too much for the both of us! I am definitely not as encouraging or alert at this time of the year and this has a run on affect with the kids.

If all you needed was a hug and no advice, sorry! Big hugs....

Blessings,

Corrie

[mrsrandolph]

You are an excellent mother, and you have already begun doing the MOST important thing that you can do. You are PRAYING for your daughter. I think praying over your daughter as she sleeps is a WONDERFUL practice. Have your husband join you, if he will.

When you have these talks with your daughter about her heart, do you pray with her afterward? If not, start. Let her hear you call upon the Lord on her behalf. Let her hear that you are waiting *expectantly* and with a heart of *faith* that the Lord IS going to change your daughter's heart.

The bottom line is that your daughter needs a heart change, and there is only one person who can do that. God.

However, you can be a means of that change.

I have a daughter SO VERY MUCH like your own. SO I empathize with you greatly.

Here is the approach my husband and I, after much prayer, have taken with our daughter.

We sat her down and told her that her lazy behavior...not wanting to do school work...not doing her work with a cheerful heart...complaining...making excuses were all sinful behaviors. We told her that we had not done a good job as parents in making her see these as sin. We told her that these behaviors were foolishness. Then we read the scripture to her that says, "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from her."

So, we told her that as God's agents, we were going to begin to employ the rod EVERY time she sinned, so that this foolishness would be driven from her heart. We told her that it wasn't something we "wanted" to do, but something that we had to do in order to be obedient to God. It was also necessary for her to stop this sinful behavior.

So, we developed a system that she would get one warning each day. After that, she was spanked EVERY SINGLE TIME she displayed an attitude of discontent about her work. This included laziness, complaining, sighing, whining, excuse making, and even a grumpy face.

Within 3 days, she was a different child. She still struggles with these issues, and we still spank her for them, for that is our biblical mandate. But spankings are few and far between.

God's Word is true and right, and His remedies are also just.

Just keep in mind that in order to be a tool of correction, a spanking must hurt. If it doesn't hurt, it is not going to be affective. It is as simple as that. : )

I have been where you are. Follow His teaching. He will not fail you. : )

If you have not read "Shepherding A Child's Heart" by Ted Tripp GET IT!!! Every Parent MUST read it!

[John'smom]

I am so excited to be using HOD - we really need to work on some heart issues at our house, but today was rough. I look at the pictures that many of you post and see happy, excited children eagerly doing their work and I long for that! My dc are just not there yet. Right now it is a struggle to get everything done because of all the interruptions, complaining, or my constant nagging.

First, I just want to say that every house has heart issues, us moms included. I'm sure there are times that everyone's child isn't happy or excited or where mom isn't as patient or kind as she should be. We are all sinners and need God's grace. Of course no one would post pictures about that. I say all that to say, don't let photos or blogs fool you. I know the photos are meant to encourage (and they do), but the devil can take something good and try to use it to discourage us.

I too would work on character. I have a saying, "I do not reward bad behavior." Complaining, being argumentative, lazy, etc. are all bad behavior. Find a character trait that balances that out, diligence, gratefulness, humility and work on it for 21 days to establish a new habit. As you work on it find some this to encourage diligence in rooting that new character trait.

I feel like I don't have the right words to share, and I usually don't express well what I'm trying to say, but please know that I'm praying for you and your family.

[tnahid]

Hi Karen,

Just want to say that I feel for you. I know what a child with a complaining spirit and bad attitude is like. Typically, these are very strong-willed children who have great potential as leaders. But the firstborn often seem to be attacked the most (not always but often, in my opinion and experience). I know that my oldest almost 10 year old son is my strong-willed one. He complains and whines at the drop of a hat, but it really helps him to have "incentive." I realize that my children need something to look forward to each week. So, on Fridays I am trying to make that some type of special time for us to do something.

Could money or some kind of reward be an incentive for her? I don't know what she likes, but small rewards for doing her schoolwork and chores seem perfectly fine in my opinion. After all, this is WORK for them, and there should be some benefits. I know that we are working on their hearts, but rewards seem beneficial in helping them feel that they are working toward some tangible end or reason.

What kind of learner is she? I realized that my son needs a lot more one on one than I had realized, so I have set aside 45-1 hour with just him each day for us to work together. He learns very well orally and hands on, so I am trying to accentuate this and am seeing positive results in his behavior. When he is on his own too much, he tends to get sulky.

It's just not easy, and I really think it is wonderful how you are praying for her at night. I would encourage you to start your day with prayer with the children. We have been doing this consistently, and they are expected to sit and be still while I pray and then whichever one of them wants to pray, they can pray. I am being led to pray over them daily and individually and they hear me do it. I have us all listen to a worship song together while we sit on the floor and then we pray. After that we start our day with some stretching together. This is working very well for us.

I find that writing little notes to my son and hiding them various places really lights his heart up. I write him and tell him how special he is and how much I love him. Then he keeps these and puts them on his little board. I do this with all my children periodically, but he seems the most excited about it.

I hope something in here helps. Bless you,

Tina

[tnahid]

PS...it is wonderful that she is hiding God's Word in her heart...His Word does not return void...

[daybreaking]

I think dh just doesn't understand. He's a ps high school teacher and thinks schedules, time limits, homework, etc. are the answer. Some of that may be true, but with hs and all of the variables that go with it, it is sometimes hard to implement.

I haven't read the other responses, but just wanted to comment on this part, as I think your husband has some valid points. I also used to be a public school teacher and one (of many ) things I learned was that children thrive on routine and schedules. We, too, had issues with our ds, but when we instituted some structure in our homeschool, there was a profound difference in his attitude, cooperation and diligence. I was amazed! Many of the power struggles and complaining vanished once he knew the schedule, and the need for reminders or encouraging (i.e., nagging!) was almost eliminated. The schedule has also allowed us to work with our son on dawdling, in that if he doesn't finish his work during the assigned time, then he needs to finish it during his playtime. This has worked wonders! For me, personally, having a schedule has helped me to be much more relaxed, as everything is laid out and everyone knows what they should be doing. It's like the schedule does the work I used to do! Even my 3 year old loves it, as she knows when she has alone playtime, when it's her time for activities with Mommy, etc. I would really encourage you to give a schedule a try, with specific consequences outlined for problem behaviors. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at the difference it makes.

[Kim S]

I did not read the other posts so sorry if this was already said.

I find that by this time of year I am done. I wonder if my kids feel that too. IT is so close to Christmas and the winter blahs.
Maybe if you could just take off until the first of the year to work on attitudes and building a relationship.

I also had a couple friends tell me this year. That school is school. It needs to get done. It would be great if it were all fun but it just isn't. So you just do what needs to be done and if your kids aren't happy then too bad. Life is not always happy and fair. That has helped me so much and freed me up. I would love to be a crafty mom doing all that fun stuff but that is not me. HOD helps me so much by laying it all out for me. We just do it and that is it. We get done what needs to. Honestly I don't do the extras much.

I will pray for you.

[ktwensel]

I want to thank you all for your wonderful encouragement. I felt renewed this morning as I faced another day. I am implementing many of your ideas...and I am also letting go and letting God. He is the one to make the changes we need...in both of us! I am printing off all these wondferful words of wisdom so that I may refer to them "when I have one of those days!"

Thank you...thank you...thank you... from the bottom of my heart!

[my3sons]

What good advice and encouragement is already written within this thread! John's mom's words here rang true for me...
First, I just want to say that every house has heart issues, us moms included. I'm sure there are times that everyone's child isn't happy or excited or where mom isn't as patient or kind as she should be. We are all sinners and need God's grace. Of course no one would post pictures about that. I say all that to say, don't let photos or blogs fool you. I know the photos are meant to encourage (and they do), but the devil can take something good and try to use it to discourage us.

Please don't be discouraged by the pictures - instead know they are the mountain tops of homeschooling, but the valleys are not worth taking pictures of (oh, I am shuddering at that thought ). One Bible passage I have tried to embrace is...
Phil 4:8-9:
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

This gives me more peace, and it is why I pull out the camera to snap pics and why I try to share those good things on the board here too. It is for me as much as for others because when I dwell on those parts of the day, I just feel better about the day overall, and I feel more joy in our homeschooling. That certainly does not mean we don't have discipline and attitude issues going on here, and heart issues we need to work on (believe me, me included ), for we are none of us perfect. BUT, you are praying, praying, praying - and there is nothing more powerful than a praying mother! So, you are doing the most important thing already.

You shared this in your post...

...Right now it is a struggle to get everything done because of all the interruptions, complaining, or my constant nagging...

Within this list lies some solutions, I believe! What specifically are the interruptions? What can be done to stop them? What exactly are most of the complaints? Are they valid? Can something be done to fix them? Or, are they just discipline issues? Constant nagging - yeah - I have to watch that one too. I've always thought repetition is the answer, turns out that is not always successful (just ask my poor dh ). So, what's causing the nagging? What triggers it? Can it be changed by some routine - either a routine answer, a routine response, a routine reward for fixing it, or a routine punishment? Is it a heart issue for your child or for you or for both? Can you tell I've had and have struggles like this too?!? Really reflecting on things and trying this or that for a plan to see what works has made a big difference to me and my dc. You are sooooooo not alone in these challenges - but the good news is they can be fixed one at a time, and fixing it together draws you closer and builds a family and a home. Your last post on this thread shows big progress already toward that goal! I am celebrating that with you and would love to help think through specific advice if there is anything in particular with that you'd feel comfortable sharing we could brainstorm together to fix!

In Christ,
Julie