OT: my daugther's friends, advice please

[kvmck]

I am looking for some insight and advice about helping my daughter in her friendships. My daughter is 8 but most of her friends are in the 10-12 year old age range. Several of my daughter's Christian homeschooled friends are showing dis-respectful attitudes toward their moms. They come over and are "bored", and don't seem interested in any suggestions my daughter makes. They are full of talk about boys, clothes, Hannah Montana and other singers, actors and shows that even these girls' moms don't think they should be watching (so how do they know about them?). The favorite activity is play-acting in which htey make up elaborate stories and act them out, which did not use to be a problem, but now its around themes like "you be the rich girl who hates the poor girl" or "you're the really pretty, popular girl and we're all jealous of you". I realize that girls and their interests change... but I am wondering
1. Do I need to limit the amount of time that my 8 year old is spending with her older friends b/c I don't think some of these themes are appropriate for her? 2. Is it too high of an expectation to expect that Hannah Montana, High School musical and various other entertainments should not be part of their lives? I just don't like this emphasis on looks, boys and clothes and admiring people like Hannah Montana.
3. Is it too much to think that in play acting they would bring in biblical values?

When my daughter plays with the younger or same age neighbor kids, who are not Christians, we don't have this problem. These younger girls are not a good influence at all, their favorite songs have swear words in them, they come from very dysfunctional families so we don't really know what is going on in their family lives, they have bad attitudes sometimes too.... However,
1. the neighbor kids know that we are a "different" kind of family and there are certain things we don't do or say...and they respect that. Bad attitudes aren't tolerated. We talk about the issues together with my daughter and her neighbor friends... whereas the older girls are no longer so interested in those types of group conversations... they already seem to know it all
2. My daughter is one of the oldest and so she is often the one in "charge" if you know what I mean---I am seeing that my daughter just goes along with the older girls... especially because they are "Christians"... so even if she questions what they are doing in her heart she doesn't say anything to them but brings it up later to me.

I see my daughter being left out now.... she isn't interested in talking about all the boys and which one is the cutest. She won't go into the woods and do who knows what with the neighbor kids. She would rather do an arts and crafts project than pretend she is the "beautiful model" and all the "ugly models" are jealous of her. But she knows that she is different..and that is starting to bother her, especially because she doesn't understand why her Christian friends are acting like her non-Christian ones. Which brings me to another question... what do pre-teens girls like to do? What are some encouraging and "healthy" activities for them to engage in?

Thanks for any input, hope I was fairly clear here, my questions got a bit longer than I had intended.

[christyg]

Hi! I'm so sorry that I don't have any advice on this for you. But, it's a really good question. I have a 6 year old (will be 7 in Sept) daughter who has some older friends (2 years older). No problems, yet, but I would like to be prepared.

Thanks,
Christy

[MamaPajama]

If it were me personally, I would limit her time with these older girls. The conversations sound a little too mature for her and not very Christian. Do you attend a church? Are there any children there that are her age for her to get to know better?

I would sit down and talk with her and tell her it's okay for her to feel like the odd man out when she knows she's doing the right thing. I would explain that sometimes being a Christian means feeling left out of the crowd. Coming from a non-Christian background, the last thing I want for my kids is to feel like they need to follow the crowd. I want them to be proud when they stand up for God and who He made them to be.

Edited to add: Again, coming from a non-Christian background, I always had this view of Christians as "good people". Now that I am a Christian, I've been sorely disappointed with how many Christians I've met who don't act like Christians, kids and adults alike. I get the impression that many of them use church as a social gathering and not for its intended purpose. I think it's important for us to follow Christ and encourage our kids to stand apart from those who don't. We need to teach them to be wise in these matters and to know that just because one carries the label of Christian doesn't mean they are. We need to teach them to be leaders for Christ.

[Heather4Him]

We had a similar situation a few years ago, where a neighbor girl wanted to play "witches" and "boyfriends" with our daughter. I overheard it, and I prayed about it right away, and felt God lead me to talk to the girl right there and explain nicely that we don't play those things at our house. I also gently told her that both girls were too young to even be thinking about boyfriends at this time. (They were about 8 or 9 at the time.) She was very receptive, and they just went on to play nicely after that.

That said, the girls don't really play often together, because the other girl is in public school and is just more interested in the worldly things you mentioned in your post, and they just don't have as much in common anymore. Our dd now plays more with other homeschooled girls, cousins, etc. (that are more interested in general things like our dd), on "playdates" set up throughout the weeks.

[blessedmom]

I have 3 girls (ages 10, 7, and 4) and a little boy tagging along. We have so had these issues with my 10 yo. We have talked about it's okay to be left out if you are doing what's right. God blesses those who choose what is right. 2 Chron. 16:9 "For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him." I went to ps growing up but then to a private Christian college. One of the pitfalls of being with Christians all of the time is that we begin to compare our own behavior with other Christians instead of God's Word. This is where we all become mediocre instead of righteous. My dd and I have talked about this recently too. Just because her friends are Christian does not mean they always have a heart toward the things of God. This has been a big lesson. We as Christians have to encourage each other to walk the walk. When we have such circumstances in my home, I do tell other children that we have rules for play in our home. Lots of girls this age want to pretend. I try hard not to allow pretend that I would not allow in real life. Sometimes we bend that rule if they are pretending Cinderella or something where the ones being mean are not glorified and do not receive the blessings. And the boyfriend thing -- it's just not allowed in my house. They can pretend being married, but not having boyfriends. I don't even let them joke about having them or joke about girls "liking" boys. I just gently tell them we don't talk about those things or that they are too young to think about that, that they need to think more how to love and serve God and that God is preparing their husbands, that they can pray for them, etc., etc. Very non-judgmental. I think it's fine to have rules for your home that the children may not have in their home. There are plenty of other rules that I am sure you have that are specific to your house. I think this falls under the same thing. I have to do this with non- Christian neighbors and Christian friends too. I find that the children learn pretty fast what I expect and they still are able to find things to play. I think you will see that God will use you to encourage the other girls in good things and your dd will learn how to stand for what God wants for her as she watches you do that in your home.