heartofdakota.com

I haven't been on in awhile, but I want to throw something out there. I am at the library right now as our computer is down, but I'll be back tomorrow to check responses.

Even though I haven't been on lately, I really value the thoroughly christian attitudes reflected on this board!

Here it is...do any of you homeschool many children and have a husband whose work involves him being gone constantly? Possibly, a husband who works out-of-town the majority of the time...something not temporary...permanent. We have four dc and dh works 95 to 110 hour weeks and has for over 5 years. How do you handle this?? I pray and read the Word a lot. What do you do to cope? I feel myself wearing down in the last several months....

Thank you for any input.

you all have a great day!!

Liz

My husband does work an hour from home and he also does moderate traveling. It has never really bothered me, to be honest. We do our thing with homeschooling. While it is good when he is home, it is also okay when he is not. I do have friends that would literally crumble under similar circumstances (by their own admittance), so I do see where you are coming from. I also have lots of close friends nearby and a wonderful church family. It doesn't hurt that my in-laws (whom I love dearly) live at the end of my driveway and my husband's uncle (who would give you the shirt off his back) lives next door. I guess I am just surrounded by family and support and I know how blessed I am in that respect. Do you have anyone nearby to help you?

My dh is not gone enough that I feel like he is never here, either. I mean, he is here right now...making DINNER.

First of all... (((HUGS)))) I know God will comfort you through all this.

A few years ago, my husband traveled cross-country hauling horses for breeders and such. He was gone up to 3 weeks at a time, home a few hours to days, then gone again. Then he went to the fire dept. where he worked 24 hours (7am-7am), slept much of the next day when he came home around 8am, and was awake about the time we were going to bed. Then had the next day off too and was awake, but went to bed early for his next 24 hour shift.
Then he changed careers again and has been a student for the last 3 years, since our 3rd child was a new little baby. He was Pre-Med plus working part time as an EMT. Realizing that he'd still not be making a doctor's income until our children were practically grown and not wanting to miss their younger years, he changed to RN school. He's got until Dec. for his RN. He's gone before we wake up until after the kids are in bed-- and sometimes until after I'm asleep. And when he's hear, he's not really "here". He has lecture, clinicals, labs, study groups, and study time alone. He's here most Sundays for church, but usually is gone shortly after to study the rest of the day. It's paying off in good grades, but it's so hard on us! Once Dec. comes and he's an RN, he's going to work nights/weekends as an RN, a day or two during the week, and work on his BSN (4yr RN degree) so it will be much of the same being gone all the time. Then he'll be working on his Master's (MSN) in Nursing Anestesia or Adv Practice Nurse (or other MSN program of his liking). So we have at least 4-6 more years of all this. We have 4 kids and I'm here by myself with them, not many friends and family to speak of, and just getting to know a few folks in church. We just moved here less than a year ago for him to attend an accelerated RN program, so I just don't have those connections.

I SO feel your pain. And it is pain. It's lonely, trying, overwhelming, maddening at times...but also so rewarding. It can be such a fruitful time and I have such a hard time seeing it as that. DH's classmates/co-workers get the best of him, and we get the tired, grumpy DH/Dad most of the time. I'm trying to rely on God more, as I'm sure you are too. I'm trying to realize he can give me those things I feel my DH should be giving to me. I feel like my love tank is on E most of the time, and it takes so much self-control to not withdraw from DH. Those hours away can tear down any family, but if we seek God, I know we'll stay strong...or at least not break!

I don't really know what to say. You aren't alone. Email or PM me anytime! It seems we have something in common.

Liz,

I can relate to you on this, too. We have a dairy farm...and there is NEVER a day off on the dairy farm. Time has been the #1 tension-causer in my marriage. I LOVE time with my husband, and most of his time has to go to work. We've seriously prayed about this, and he feels that he is exactly where God wants him to be. He is a wonderful husband and father and has an incredible work ethic. Even though there's not a lot of money, God has always faithfully met our needs (and I'm quite sure Mike will never run out of work to do! ) The only complaining in all of this has been from me. My expectation was that there would be more free time for the family, and since that wasn't met I felt jusitified to complain until it changed to be the way I imagined it. (Of course I didn't think that through at the time, but in hindsight that was exactly what I did.) And you know, honestly, my husband thought there would be more "free time" coming into our marriage too. He grew up on the farm with his family and knew the work involved, but it all changed by adding a whole extra family to support. Instead of milking 50 cows, we needed too milk 70 cows...now up to 130 or so. Milking now takes 5 hrs twice a day instead of 2 hrs twice a day. And that doesn't add in all the other chores that happen daily!

This year he has been home for breakfast and has family devotions with the kids and I. I have LOVED this! As of last week though, the employee that was milking M-F mornings quit, so he's only home 3 days per week in the morning. He RARELY has been able to make it home before bedtime this year, even though he really thought that he'd be able to. Milking hasn't been finishing until 9 or 9:30 pm. And that's in the winter....farm work really ramps up in the spring - fall so we have no expectations of seeing him at home during daylight hours. But, in times like this, the kids and I head out on our bikes to try to find him at the farm and bring him a snack. Even though we only get too chat for 10 or 15 min, we love to visit.

Anyway, I realized a couple years ago that I needed to change my attitude and expectations on this issue, and make the most of everything God had given me. I was robbing myself of even more time by pouting or being discontent with what I had. Julie said this very well in this post. (Scroll down to my3sons post in it.) viewtopic.php?f=6&t=5493&p=40333 And, not surprisingly, God led me to read this right when I needed that extra shove to keep making progress in obediently being content where He had me!

Praying that God will allow you to experience His stregth in your weakness!
Kathleen

ETA: For us the weekends are even busier than the week. I have to share a special blessing from yesterday though...Mike for the FIRST time since our honeymoon was able to stay home and not milk or do other chores on Sunday morning!!! His brother was home visiting from college and volunteered to help ($) . Anyway, even though we lost an hour of sleep, it was the most relaxed Sunday morning I've ever had since kids! I can always relate to single moms on Sunday mornings. It's tough to be the only one trying to get everyone out the door! And I always have to make something for breakfast that Mike can grab on his way out the door...after his 5 min to shower and dress.

My hubby is not gone a lot but my best friends husband is and the leaders wife at our ministry covered this in a Q&A we had... I can only tell you practical things I observed and what Aunti Geslia shared to the other ladies who's hubby speak for the ministry and they are gone 42 weekends out of the year and many many wednesday to sunday gigs.

1. My best friend and her husband had cell phones that were free to call each other. They also played an on line game (some times it was a mmorpg some times it was board games) they both loved games and so when he was alone in the hotel and the kids were in bed they would have a virtual date playing on-line. while talking on the phone. I do not know any other couple that talks as much as they do!!! 2-3 hour conversations are not strange for them.

2. She was willing to go with him when ever the opportunity arose, of course you need friends like me who will take ur kids at the drop of the hat.

3. She always made each home coming very special even on a cheap budget... some times it was making sure the lawn was mowed so he had more time for the family.

Ok Aunti G. her hubby is gone for 6 weeks to 3 months at at time. She said stay close in the word. hugely important. When you can't sleep, memorize scripture like promise verses and encouraging stuff because the enemy is out to get you. And keeping your mine focused on Gods' word helps more that you ever can imagine.

Do fun things for the sake of keeping your sprites up. Go where people are. Go to McDonalds and have a cherry pie if that is what makes you happy. But plan and Execute fun activities. Like picnic lunch at a local park even if it means drive through Wendys dollar menu, eaten at a park becomes a picnic. Not that I recommend Fast food... but many times that is the only cheap place you can go to be social. She also said go to library and read a book there but depending on kids ages this may or may not be possible.

Do big projects that get the house really messy. and clean them up before Husband gets home.
Go to the zoo.
Take a walk, buy your self flowers, to keep your home bright.
Decorate for the holidays in a big way, this helps keep the kids focused on the fun stuff not Dad being gone. Her example of decorate was make glitter stars out of paper, paper chains. etc.

She said it was essential to focus on 2 things Gods' word and Staying cheerful.
I hope that helps She said gobs more but this is all I can remember.

I know you've been pondering some things, and it's so good to see you posting here. I very much understand what you are saying. My dh travels a lot for work too, and when he's not traveling for work, he is traveling for the outdoor activities he enjoys. I thought he was unaware of how much he was gone, so one year I marked it on the calendar. He was gone more than 100 days (overnight) by the beginning of November - I quit counting after that because I was depressed about it. I am embarrassed that I have had times I've cried, complained, nagged, gotten angry, did the silent treatment - you name it - if it was an unGodly characteristic for a wife to display, I'm sure I did it. I also did the opposite - I was very nice about his being gone, overly nice, thinking maybe that would do the trick and change his being gone so much. In fact, I went through the entire "Love Dare" book without telling him, thinking that might make a difference (NOT the point of that book, I know! It was a good book though ). You know what all of this did for my dh's being gone? Nothing. Zip. Nada.

I had a very wise friend point out that I love my dh and he loves me, which is a wonderful thing, and that he is a good man. She then pointed out that if we've been married for 15 years (and dated/engaged 3 years before that), and he had been this way the entire time (always a person that was gone for this or that), should I expect him to be a different person than that? Should I be surprised or taken aback by this, really? That was hard to hear. But, she was right. I began to think 'What if this is the way it's going to be my whole marriage, and I am constantly choosing to be upset about something that is not going to change?'. That made me really decide that I need to stop waiting for things to change, stop getting upset about my dh just being the person he's always been, and realize that I love him anyway. We have a good marriage anyway. He loves me. I have been trying to remind myself that some women's husbands are deployed, and they won't see them for a year at a time or more. I have finally come to accept that I am married to a wonderful man, that I love, that will be gone a good portion of our marriage.

While this was hard to accept, it has actually been kind of freeing and empowering too. For example, when I'm having a problem like something needs to be fixed, I can ask him a few times, but then realize he's gone too much and is not going to get it fixed, so I just need to either fix it myself the best I can or hire someone to do it. Instead of waiting for him to be around so I can get groceries, I just need to make arrangements to do it myself. Instead of putting all the fun on hold until he is home, I can make my nights without him be as fun as possible. For example, I usually stay up later when he's gone. Make my favorite flavored coffee, take a long bubble bath, and read a wonderful book (right now I'm reading Jane Austen's books and loving them ). Or, I watch a movie and pop some popcorn. I get a babysitter and eat out with my sister once a week. I plan dates for my dh and I when he's here, but it usually works out to be once a month or so, which would not happen if I didn't totally pin him down for a date and make it happen whenever he suggests. I've just had to accept this about him, as I'm sure he's had to accept some things that are not so great about me. The biggest help to me being able to try to maintain this attitude is reading my Bible and praying each day, whatever time I can do that, even if it's right before bedtime. When I miss that, I slip back into old habits - not the good ones.

I know every marriage has some less than perfect things about it, and every person within a marriage has some things that he/she struggles with accepting in regard to his/her spouse. I just want to try to encourage you that sometimes just accepting that things are the way they are is sometimes quite uplifting, as it stops the disappointment when they continue not to change, while also encouraging us to make our life the most joy-filled it can be without hinging it on how many times our dh is home. I still miss my dh when he is gone, but I am getting better every day about living life more happily within the marriage God has blessed me with. Like my friend said, when he's been gone and comes home, I'm trying to welcome him home as a wife whose dh was deployed would welcome their dh home. Like I missed him, and I'm glad he's home again. Now, since my dh is gone tonight, I have a bubble bath and "Pride and Prejudice" to go enjoy (right after I go change my little toddler's pants as he's letting me know he has a "wet one" - please pray for me that potty training goes better tomorrow). Jane Austen... take me away!

In Christ,
Julie

It seems the lot in life for women is to be "keepers at home" and it is not easy to be sure.
As all of the previous posters have shared their experiences it is apparent it is a common issue.
Thank God for other women who understand and offer support and encouragement!
What joy there can be when we accept what God has given us and not try to manipulate it to our own desires (of which I am entirely guilty!)

My husband is in the Marine Corps and what has helped me through his deployments and such is copying the Psalms. Somedays I only get time to write a verse or two, other days a whole chapter.
I find the Psalms to be the exact words of my heart most days.
God is faithful, continue to seek him and you'll be refreshed!

Praying for all of the Keepers at Home!
Andrea

Julie,
As someone who has been married for almost 25 years (8/1985), I appreciate all your thoughts. There is no one out there who is married to a perfect person but hopefully we become more selfless and more perfect in the process.

Andrea,
I love your idea of copying the psalms. Bless you as your husband serves our country as well as the many other homeschooling moms whose husbands are serving.

Thank you for all of the encouragement!!

I appreciate your responses!

Hang in there, everyone!

Liz