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Does anyone else have one of those kids that you feel like you have to stay by their side constantly to keep them going? Seriously, will they ever grow out of it? I know I'm venting, and I dont' want it to sound like I do not love and appreciate this child of mine, because I totally do. But some days are just so trying that I wonder what can I practically do to make this situation better.

So, scenario on this child. He's the oldest of 3, 10 yrs old, no learning disabilities that I know of, although he does tend to have some odd quirks (covers have to be just so at night, along with his door), can carry on quite a conversation with adults, is able to safely shoot guns with his father (not foolish acting, unless he's around his buddies ), and seems to be an average learner. My problem is I think he's smarter than what any of his work shows. He says he is easily distracted. I sent him off this morning to read through and do 3 pages of Bob Jones 4th grade English. I thought this would be fairly easily done. He comes back after a long time in his room (approx 45 minutes) with a little over 1 page finished, and on that page that he had finished he didn't read the directions very well so we had to go back through everything. This is typical, so most of the time I stay sitting by his side while he does his work. Sometimes, though, I have actually seen him be able to do some things quickly and without help....just on the odd occasion. I feel like I'm babysitting him and that at some point he has to learn to deal with his own work and get it done in a timely manner. I'm just wondering if this is typical boy stuff, or if there are other kids out there that are like this? Does this sound like ADD? If it does, are there any non-prescription ways of helping him out?

Things do go much better when I'm sitting right next to him, but how long can this go on? Is this something that kids slowly outgrow? In a way some of the things he does is funny, but most of the time I just want to scream about it. I won't even let him have a drink at the table because he will not leave the drink alone. My husband says he's just a boy and because he isn't interested in English or math he's just tuning things out. What do you think?

Alison

LOL, my dd is the same way. She's 9 going on 7, but will be 10 in June. I could never leave her to go do 3 pages. I know, because I have btdt. And hour later, she's done 1 page, usually wrong, because she didn't read directions. You know how adults get caught up with "but firsts?" so do they, just in a different manner. I can no longer say, "go do this one page and come back when you're done", because either she doesn't come back or she never finishes it. So for now I realize I have to be wherever she's doing it, put her on a timer or make sure I check in in a few minutes. I think 3 pages is too many for them to go off and do or even use as training. Baby steps.

I think it's very normal. But having said that, it's something that you'll have train out of them. To focus. Focus is difficult for kids, moreso, in my humble opinion for boys. They just want to go, go, go.

Allison - I'm smiling at your description of your ds here; I can almost picture him, and I have a dear nephew of mine in mind as I type this, as well as one of my sons. I do think this is more typical for boys than for girls. He sounds easily distracted, which I'd consider somewhat a personality trait that needs to be managed as well as possible, but that may just be part of his personality. We were just reading about Archimedes in CTC's history, and he definitely was distracted - all of the time - to the point where he forgot to eat sometimes, was so intent reading crossing a road that he was unaware of traffic, drew pictures figuring geometric problems in the oil on his arm in the baths, etc. Still, he ended up being very intelligent and solving many mathematical mysteries the rest of us probably never would have been able to! Sometimes highly distractible dc have so many thoughts going on they are actually thinking way more than the average Joe, and when all of those thoughts come together, they come up with some pretty amazing things!

So, I do not think your ds has ADD. I had several students diagnosed with ADD when I taught ps, and your ds doesn't match their descriptions. I think your ds is somewhat of a typical boy with a higher distractibility to consider. I do think it is wise to keep him near you, at least within the same vicinity of you. Another good thing to do is to keep his work area uncluttered with very little around him to distract him - i.e. a quiet work place with no music, etc. on, probably no snacks/juice either during work time, but maybe later as a separate time for just a break, since that is what he'd be doing anyway during that time. My middle ds is somewhat this way. His snack time is completely unproductive and has become just a nice and needed break for him. Breaks may be necessary for him throughout the day, so he has time where he doesn't have to be so focused. He also should probably not be near other dc that could distract him if possible. My middle ds can't be working at the same table as my oldest, as he is very distractible as well and gets nothing done near big brother. I have him work in the kitchen, and my oldest work at the dining room table. You may want to try interspersing work with breaks rather than doing school all in a row. My middle ds needs this and gets more done in less time if he just has some breaks off and on. Perhaps something like an hour of work time, then a 30 minute break, and alternating these would be worthwhile to try.

The timer is helpful as well. Setting it for the amount of time a box is supposed to take and then having it be a place he can see it counting down may help him stay on track. That really helped my middle ds begin to see how long things should take and try to work toward finishing by the time it rings. As far as sending him off to his room to work on his own or somewhere totally out of sight, that may just not work for quite awhile. I tried this with my oldest ds, who is not distractible, and he got nothing done either. Something about being out of sight makes them not work as hard, it seems. One thing that helped my distractible middle ds is to do my teacher part with him in a block of time, then write on a marker board the independent things he had to finish, so he could check them off (or erase them) as he finished them. This seemed to help him stay more on track as he realized what he had to do and what came next. I do have to check on him often, but it is worth it as he finishes in a more timely fashion then. You probably will want to make a mental note of a halfway point to check on ds for his independent work. For example, if he is to do his grammar independently and you think it should take him about half an hour, check on him in 15 minutes and let him know he should be halfway done. This gives him some independence but helps you keep tabs on him somewhat so an entire hour is not gone with work not being finished. I'd encourage you to check out R & S English and do a good portion of it orally with him as this can be done efficiently and quickly, but if you've already firmly decided on the other grammar, perhaps portions of that can be done orally instead too.

I do understand this frustration as I have it with one my sons. I think they just need more monitoring, the timer, and an ebb and flow between work and free time to be successful. They probably will always take a little more of us too, but that's alright. God has a reason for designing them this way, and there is a purpose in it we may not ever fully understand! Who knows, maybe they'll become the next Archimedes, right? Hope something here helps!

In Christ,
Julie

How bout really covering the instructions with him before you leave him to have at it.. he is only 10. My dd is 10 too
The siren call of the favorite toy , the squirrel outside his window, etc. may be a bit much for him. Does he complain of being distracted?
maybe a white noise maker to dampen the world around him and help him focus.

Also a few nudges to get him back on track not a 45 min alone but after 10 min check on him even you just send in his younger sibling to ask... do you need mom? I caught a bit of flack at p/s they said my child had homeschooled syndrome the need for someone to be right next to her for her to get anything done... it was only minimally true she has many quirks, and learning issues.

We don't let her drink at the table either or she doesn't eat, just downs glass after glass of water/juice/rice milk... this is due to a sensory issue in her mouth. It sounds like you are concerned about possible sensory issues. That may be getting in the way of his ability to learn. I would then advise you to spend the money and, have him evaluated. Preferably by someone who will not just stick a label on him but will show you what is preventing his concentration from focusing and fix it. My dd's neuro developmental therapist has been a God send. DD1 has less problems eating when we do the swab mouth stim before we eat. And She has stopped driving me crazy! She is waaaaaaaaayyyyy more focused *happy dance* Even does things without being told to. Watching the transformation these last few months makes me look back with regret that I didn't bite the bullet and have her evaluated sooner.

AS a side note if you do go to a therapist you may find vastly differing opinions as to what can be done. For example I was chatting with my s-i-l's sister who is a special ed teacher. Her training ran counter to our therapist's instruction. Aka we are doing a lot of crawling with my dd (a step she skipped in toddlerhood) Sisters' sister basically has been told once the child misses that step they are incapable of moving past that stage in their life. They just stop. One can't expect any improvement and you need to teach around the kids disabilities. She was astonished to hear our therapist view point that says "Fill in the missed pieces" all this will help her brain develop what is missing and the brain will then mature at an astonishing rate. So if you don't like the answer your hearing don't be afraid to seek a second opinion.

Thank you ladies, really.

I know what I should do for school to go smoother for him...but I'm wondering when will this get better because he''ll be 11 soon. I'm just ready. This is why my school days seem to take forever. My girls are still working on phonics and really needing me by their side but they are more independent workers than my good reader big boy. I just let it worry me sometimes. Our home is small, and we do our schoolwork at the kitchen table...so I either have to get the girls totally done and put them in their room with the door shut...or send ds to his room with his door shut where things might get done, but most likely they might not. I'm just ready for improvement His English subject seem to drag on and on. I'm switching up our usual math right now just to give me a little break with him. I caught him staring out the window twice w/i ten minutes of my sneaking in to check on him...this was all while he was supposed to be doing his math. And yet he's my class clown, my infuriating adorable class clown who is almost as tall as I am, but very much still a little kid.

Dear Lord, please give me an extra dose of patience today.

Alison

Alison,

I just wanted to encourage you that I understand as I have one of my sons who is very similar to your description in many ways. My second son in line is in 5th grade this year and will be 11 in a couple of weeks. He is a wonderfully creative, very sensitive child who can be very self-absorbed in projects of his own choosing. While we have enjoyed our schooling with him, he remains my child that takes the most of my time to keep on track in the day-to-day. He is easily distracted by noise from other students, or the computer, or a video (even if they aren't in the same room with him). I have had to keep him on the main floor during our school time as he also gets very distracted when he is not in my sight. I love him with all of my heart, and I know that the Lord has special plans for his creative spirit, yet he requires much extra time management on my part to keep him on track each day.

A few things that we've done to minimize his distractions are to schedule his independent subjects in short chunks of time and to follow those up with subjects done with me. In this way, he never gets very far behind in his day.

We have also scheduled him to be alone at the table but within my range of viewing. Sitting at a table with more than one child is a complete distraction to him, unless it is a subject that we are reading and discussing with other kiddos in our family. Then, we join together.

When he is working alone, I try not to constantly interrupt or redirect him, as this results in frustration but rather I let him do his independent subjects alone with a timer set nearby. I may walk by the table and point at the timer, but I try not to verbally reprimand him all of the time as it makes him ponder my words rather than pondering his schoolwork (and it makes me feel like I'm constantly nagging him).

I also give him a morning break at which point he needs to be at a certain point, and I check to make sure he is at that point before heading off for his "break". This year his break includes working in our warehouse, but in past years the break was outdoor recess. Before heading out for his break, I have him get out the materials he'll need for his first subject after the break. This helps him get to work better after the break. I schedule the younger kiddo's computer or educational video during this break, so that my second son is not distracted in his work by this. I work with my older son at this point, as he's not bothered by outside noise as much.

When my second son returns from his break, I make sure I am available to direct him if needed to move onto his next scheduled subject. As the morning wears on, he needs more encouragement to stay on course. We utilize the timer if needed, but otherwise I am checking in on his progress and keeping him in sight.

Lunch is another check-point by which time he must have completed certain tasks in order to be allowed to eat. I check on these tasks, and if he has run behind he typically is motivated to catch up. After lunch he has only one or two tasks left. I do get him going again after lunch. At the end of the day, I make sure he's completed his needed tasks. He is prone to skip or omit things if I don't watch over him. My job at the check-up point is to partner with him and get done quickly anything he's accidentally missed. He has gotten much more independent and can do more on his own, but his time management and his distractibility will continue to follow him.

On a sideonote, this son does beautiful work and actually enjoys his school. He just needs some extra direction from me to stay the course!

Blessings,
Carrie

I'm getting great ideas from this thread, too, Allison. Grant is like this. I know he can buckle down and stay on task because he's shown it wonderfully...but we still seem to have relapses into dawdling and distractability. He is just brimming with ideas, and really enjoys school...but doesn't enjoy it when he drags it out. So, I have been in your frustrated shoes! On the whole, I'm seeing quite a bit of progress through this year though. Praying you will, too!

Kathleen

Oh my goodness! I think you guys are talking about my ds(10), almost 11. All this time, I've known he is different in some very wonderful, but also very hard ways. Most days, I feel soooo frustrated with him. He does the same things that you all listed. I have even been asking some of the special ed teachers at church how to know if he is gifted, but not academically. Does that make sense? Anyway, thank you for these post. I have a feeling of relief knowing that my precious, very creative, very active boy is not alone in his struggles. I feel so encouraged. Thank you ladies.

Thank you ladies! I'm calmer now and I've been patiently sitting down with ds since I had my whine fest. I know my son is smart, in a way, but it definitely doesn't show in his writing or English skills ....well, sometimes in his other subjects either. But I think he's probably not paying attention plus he's trying to take the easiest way he can to get done...so he can run around being loud and doing what HE wants to do. I will look back on this post again and again.

Alison

I love HOD boards because it makes me know that I am not alone!
My ds (7) is very similar to the other boys discussed in this thread.
We did however discover that he had vision processing issues which was part of his problem.
He's worn glasses since he was three but it wasn't until this past fall that we got in touch with an eye doctor and vision therapist who worked wonders with him!
Intellect and behavior were not the main issues. It was the way his brain processed the information it was receiving visually.
Because he had difficulty processing things he became frustrated and distracted.
He can now work independently in about 30 minute spurts whereas six months ago I had to be sitting by his side!
Just a thought.
Blessings to you,
Andrea

@mamayi
isn't it great when you find out what is wrong and its how they are processing! I never thought plugging one ear could change my dd's distractibility and grades! Plus it gave me a font of grace, Once I found out it wasn't all "her not concentrating" but she was trying but her brain was not co-operating! It made such a difference.

Wow, I went to dh yesterday in frustration over ds dawdling...and he totally understood ds, and brought up the benefits to public schooling (knife in the heart ). I was really surprised. Dh just said that for him, he felt like when you go to school you know your job. You sit in your chair and everything is (or should be) about your job...school. And that at home I'm mom, but at school there is this teacher there and that it's easier to be taught by the teacher than mom. He mentioned that it was like piano, where my son is doing really well and really listens to the piano teacher, but I'm still mom. See, I'm thinking that because I'm mom he should be listening and doing even more at home, but dh thinks it's the opposite, and in this case he might be correct. I don't like what he said, but for my ds this might ring true. Like he said if he were in public school and doing really poorly and little Johnny next to him was doing really well then ds would feel bad that his grades were so poor...but at home he doesn't care because he doesn't have peer pressure to care. So, in a weird way (and I don't really like it) I guess I understand. Not that ds is going to public school (ever I hope). I don't seem to have this problem with my girls who seem to be able to focus no matter what.

So, I'm going to try some new motivation, plus some even more quiet surroundings (if I can), while ds is doing his schoolwork. Plus another heart to heart with ds. Thank you ladies, again.

Alison

Allison,

I don't want to say that your husband is wrong about your child here - but this was NOT the case with my little guy. He went to a small Christian School for K (3x/week) and 1st (5x/week), and the same issues of not staying on task were there...maybe even more so! He is VERY social, which is a wonderful part of his personality most of the time. (Just not in school when he was suppossed to be working! ) He is a wonderful friend, great about seeing kids who are being left out and including them, extremely talkative and personable... But, he would come home from school with almost all of his work to do at home, having spent his work time at school keeping tabs on what everyone in the room was up to! Now this was a classroom where 1st and 2nd were taught by the same teacher so she would rotate between teaching times with the 2 grades and they would have indpendent work to do alternating their times with her teaching.

One of Grant's friends from this school has the same issues - only he's quiet and distractable rather than outgoing/talkative and distractable (like Grant). His mom complains constantly about how he comes home with 4-5 hours of homework every night and she can't believe that the teachers are doing this to the kids!! But, I'm quite sure that if her son did his work when he was supposed to the homework would be very minimal. (And he's one who does not do anything quickly. I have honestly never seen that boy hurry!!) It would be like me saying that HOD is giving my child 8 hours of work every day in Preparing!! I'm sure that Grant could stretch it out to that if he spends his time looking out the window, talking to his brother and sister, daydreaming, etc.

Anyway, I just wanted to encourage you with my perspective. We have tried both ways, and "school" was most definitely NOT better for us!! I love having my kids at home and having the opportunity to work on character issues with them. (Even though they can totally drive me crazy occasionally.) I've seen way more progress through the last year and a half of really working on this with Grant at home.
Kathleen

Alison,

I also wanted to mention that boys who are almost 11 are already beginning to have some hormonal changes going on in their body, which can make them more emotional, easily frustrated, angry with themselves, and can also result in distractibility or day-dreaming. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it does help me many days to know that my distractible son actually IS trying to focus and progress but doesn't have hormones on his side right now. It is so good to remind myself of this as it allows me to give him an extra dose of compassion when normally my patience may be running out!

I agree with Kathleen that kiddos in the classroom who do not perform simply end up taking the work home, but they rarely get extra help from the teacher as the teacher has too many students and too little time. Often the long-term result for a child like we're describing is either declining grades and frustration or so much nightly work on the parents part (to help the child complete their assignments) that the parent would actually have an easier time if they just homeschooled the child instead.

While kiddos often will strive to do better at the beginning of a year, their personalities do show themselves as time wears on. At home, we have the benefit of partnering with our child to help them overcome these personality traits. One-on-one work with a child still remains the ideal, even in a public school setting, yet I know it can be frustrating if you're the one working closely with the child. That's where prayer and compassion come in, as I know the Lord is molding these kiddos into something that He can use one day.

Since I grew up in a family of all girls, I always give my nieces an extra dose of grace for their pre-teen and teenage hormonal years, but I was surprised to find how emotional my boys are in their pre-teen and teenage years too! They need the same dose of grace, I remind myself daily. I would say that grades 5, 6, and 7 can be tough for boys in that respect. Grade 8 seems to be a turning point for us and was also a turning point for many boys during my teaching years too. Your experience may vary.

Anway, it's something worth sharing, as it really helped me understand my sons better.

Blessings,
Carrie

Carrie wrote:Alison,

I also wanted to mention that boys who are almost 11 are already beginning to have some hormonal changes going on in their body, which can make them more emotional, easily frustrated, angry with themselves, and can also result in distractibility or day-dreaming. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it does help me many days to know that my distractible son actually IS trying to focus and progress but doesn't have hormones on his side right now. It is so good to remind myself of this as it allows me to give him an extra dose of compassion when normally my patience may be running out!
...........
Since I grew up in a family of all girls, I always give my nieces an extra dose of grace for their pre-teen and teenage hormonal years, but I was surprised to find how emotional my boys are in their pre-teen and teenage years too! They need the same dose of grace, I remind myself daily. I would say that grades 5, 6, and 7 can be tough for boys in that respect. Grade 8 seems to be a turning point for us and was also a turning point for many boys during my teaching years too. Your experience may vary.

Anway, it's something worth sharing, as it really helped me understand my sons better.

Blessings,
Carrie

Alison,

I had to jump in and echo what Carrie is saying here. I have one son who will turn 13 in 2 weeks and another who will turn 11 in one week. Both were EASY children until they hit mid-fifth and sixth grade and then my husband and I found ourselves every day going, "What happened to our sweet boy?!" It requires extra sensitivity and a lot of time to guide them through this, but they do. My 13 year old, has transitioned nicely and I'm already starting to see glimpses of the young man my 11 year old is becoming. BUT I do miss those sweet little boys who would snuggle and read picture books with me. Just some thoughts....