heartofdakota.com

Now that we've discovered HOD, I feel like my endless quest for the perfect curriculum is over What a blessing! Now that that's settled, God has been leading me to evaluate other areas of our lives.

I've read some books recently that have challenged my thinking about how we're using our hours that are not specifically used for academics. We've fallen into the trap of overdoing extracurriculars...soccer twice a week (just ended), ballet twice a week, piano lessons, music/singing class twice a week (different children on different days), friday morning history/science co-op. My kids have been asking to stay home more, I'm more tired and edgy than I'd like to be, and Dad is wondering why we're eating out too much these days.

I know that "life" looks very different for every family, and we need to be careful to evaluate these things prayerfully and not expect that what works for someone else is God's plan for us. Mostly, I'd love to hear if anyone else has evaluated priorities in a similar way, what resources were helpful, and what overarching goals you have for your family. I feel like we've put hospitality and ministry-in-the-course-of-everyday-life (like conversations with neighbors in the front yard) on hold because of being too busy.

Right now I'm reading the book, "Educating the Wholehearted Child", and loving many of the ideas in the book and on their website. I would love to attend one of their mom conferences, but the closest one is a 16 hour drive. Resource ideas?

It seems so easy to fall into the default mode of doing things the worlds way, especially in an area like ours (New England) where homeschooling is so rare and regarded as "wierd". I have felt at times like we need to be involved in plenty of other things to justify the decision to homeschool.

And if we stay home in the afternoons more often, what are some ideas for things to do, especially now that the weather is a bit more "challenging" for the next 6 months?

I can totally relate to what you are facing with overloading your schedule and losing other important things in the bargain. We have really nipped our extra-curriculars in the bud as a result of budget cuts (if you catch my meaning there.) Even scaling down in that regard, we still find that park days, co-ops, outings, etc. can diminish our time together and even schooltime.

I live in GA, and the weather is amazing right now. We are spending more time outdoors than usual, because I know it won't last forever. But once the cold weather sets in, I have set aside some art study/projects, computer games, etc. to help make our days inside a bit easier. We do have a small co-op that we attend that helps get us out and around friends as well. We are also involved in Cub and Girl Scouts. It's not too fancy around here, and we are trying to encourage our kids to focus on what they do have no matter how small. One day our tight budget will loosen some, and they will have more choices. For now, we are enjoying each other and trying to be wise with our "time". Easier said than done sometimes.

I'm not sure this answered your question. But do know you aren't the only mom that faces that same challenge.

Yes, interesting topic. I've been thinking of what to do, as well. It's funny how a few activities can quickly make you feel like all you do is run-around, and you don't get to do the things you really WANT to do with your kids. I'm thinking of things like cooking together, playing games together, etc. Real family time can easily get left out.
I'll be interested to see other's ideas...

Years ago, before I had children of my own, an experienced Mom told me that she was "weird" because she and her husband had made the decision early on to limit their children's activities so they would have time to spend together as a family, sometimes just hanging out. My husband (then boyfriend!) and I talked about that and agreed that was a good idea.

It's pretty easy right now while my kids are young. They do two extracurricular activities together (preschool music and storytime at the the library), and ds5 goes to a preschool sports class once a week. But I can see that it will become challenging as they grow older and that we will have to evaluate our schedule continually to make sure we're not overdoing it.

Currently we are enjoying our gorgeous NC fall, so we're going light on school and heavy on outside play time. This southern girl is pretty wimpy about the cold, so when the weather changes, we'll be inside doing lots of school, reading, playing board games, making Christmas cards, etc.

Don't know if this has been helpful, but just know you are not alone in your decision to do less!

Last year I read "Help for the Harried Homeschooler" by Christine Fields. It was very encouraging to me and really helped me come up with some priorities for our family. I believe that I heard from the Lord and was able to confidently make some decisions that have made our school time go more smoothly and our free time to be much more enjoyable. Maybe this book would be a good resource for you too.

Stephanie

You are definately NOT alone in your thoughts and struggles in this area of life.

As creekmama described, I am one of those "weird" moms because my dc (ages 6 & 4) have never taken a class (dance, gymnastics, music, etc.) , played a sport, or had any other activity other than family or church. My thoughts about this were/are, if they express a true interest, I'll check into it, but I don't want to be the one to decide what they do. I also find that I am way to frugal to pay for something that we can do in our yard, or on our street. They are both very active and enjoy running, riding bikes and scooters, and playing ball in the yard. They are also very coordinated, so I never felt the need to enroll them in a class to learn coordination.

We have purposefully declined to continue with a small group at our church (they meet on Sunday nights) so that we can have a family game night. This is our time as a family and we don't give this time away easily. We have had a lot of criticism about not being a part of a small group to develop those "relationships" with other members. It is always hard to go against what "others" think we should do, but once you have prayerfully considered your options, you have to do what is best for your family. My dh travels quite a bit for work, and Sunday was the best fit for our family schedule, so that is what we decided. We have stuck with our decision, and now, others are seeing the benefits of this family time.

This is our first year to be part of a homeschool support group. Frankly, while I have met some wonderful moms and families, I don't see that we will rejoin next year. It is not a great fit for how we run our school and life. I don't need additional "have tos" that don't encourage us, or provide additional stress to the family.

My dd has joined American Heritage Girls this year. This is her first activity, and she likes it. It has become difficult to keep up with the additional things this one activity has added, mostly because of a lack of communication between the leaders and the parents. This is a new troop, and the leaders are still trying to get things organized, so for now, we have to remain a bit more flexible until they work out the kinks.

I feel like we've put hospitality and ministry-in-the-course-of-everyday-life (like conversations with neighbors in the front yard) on hold because of being too busy.

This is one of the things we concentrate on in our home (and the one where we have the most struggles ). We try to have at least one other family over for a meal every month. It is challenging sometimes with the busy schedules of big city families. We have also been known to skip a church outreach activity to stay home and reach out to others on our street. We believe it is important to teach our kids how to be engaged in the community and be aware of others in the course of day to day life and not just know the ones in our church family.

It is so very hard to go against the world to do what we believe to be best for our families. Even though I live in a very homeschool friendly state and there are quite a few homeschoolers in my area, doesn't mean that we escape the "weird"ness or the "need" to justify why we do what we do (or socialization, academics, etc.). I think it is just part of our human nature to feel the need to keep up with what others think. The only solution I have found to my insecurities is prayer. I am continually praying about our priorities, and how to keep them in line with our actual activities.

I don't have any ideas for how to fill the empty time left from not doing activities. Maybe you should leave it empty and see what emerges as a family interest. We are blessed to live in TX and spend a large quantity of our free time outside playing with friends.

I will be praying for you to find the best solution for your family.

I have the blessing of being the youngest in my family, so I've been able to watch my older siblings navigate this whole extracurricular activities thing. Observing them and reading "The Socialization Trap" by Rick Boyer has lead my dh and I to the conclusion to simply homeschool and put ourselves in charge of extracurricular type things for our kids - in other words, not to have our dc in any extracurricular groups.

Before coming to this conclusion, we had our ds in softball, which was fun at first, but quickly became a deterrent to doing what we "really wanted to do", which was hang out as a family. They had games twice a week, and while my ds enjoyed it at first, he didn't like missing time with dad at nights, since that's his only time to spend with him. He also wanted to just play outside more, so the next year when the softball team would be traveling to other towns, the season would be much longer, and our middle ds would start playing on a different team with different nights and places to play than our older ds, we realized we'd all be split up and we chose not to continue. It wasn't easy at first, my oldest liked baseball and still does. However, we did kick it off with the purchase of a small used 3-wheeler for him, which helped immensely.

Our current vision is to give our dc lots of time to be creative, play imaginatively, be with their siblings, hang out with their dad when he's home, and invest time and money in doing things as a family. Our average day looks like this...homeschool from 8:15 AM -12:30 PM. As for the rest of the day, I'll copy a previous post for that part:
We stay home during the week, so our afternoons look like this...
1-2 PM Outdoor playtime (ride 3-wheelers, scooters, baseball, rake leaves, sidewalk chalk, garden, sand box, bikes, sledding, etc.); if poor weather than they do an indoor exercise video
2-3 PM Creative time (playdough, origami, perler beads, art time, erector sets, lego creations, make cards, puzzles, write a story - anything with a product)
3-4 or 4:30 PM Playtime with toys
4-4:30 or 5:00 Educational video (Magic School Bus, Zooboomafoo, Liberty's Kids, Bee the Creature, Reading Rainbow, etc.)
5-5:30 Quiet time in rooms (read books, audio books)
5:30-6:00 or 6:30 play board games or educational computer time

For extracurricular type things - here are some things we've done this past year:
3 wheeler riding, fishing/camping with dad, deer hunting, above ground pool in our yard (on clearance from Walmart), went to a Twins baseball game in Minneapolis, family vacation with my sister's family and my parents to Branson, MO; water balloon fight with the cousins at our house, did a mystery supper with extended family, played Bunco with extended family, b-day parties for each of the boys at our house with extended family, movie nights, sledding (behind 3 wheelers too), trapping with my dh (NOT my thing), family board game nights, completing large puzzles together, fourth of July party with fireworks at our house, going on walks/biking together, inviting cousins (which we consider their friends) over to play and letting each one pick 1 thing to do each for 30 minutes (great fun), getting an activity table for Christmas (ping pong, pool, air hockey, fooseball), etc. New Year's Eve fondue as a family, picnics outside and inside, working for a farmer pulling fence (my dh did this with the boys), private swimming lessons for a month, making Christmas cookies with the cousins, etc.

These are all things that have been added gradually, as funds allow and time allows. We don't do video games, Xbox or Wii, nor spend money on outside the family extracurricular events, so we put our money into things that can be used a long time (i.e. 3 wheelers, a pool, activity table, etc. and also toward special one time things like once a year vacations and one time event things. We love our life, and so do our dc. Anyway, I know this is a different perspective and that it will not work for everyone - nor do I believe it is the only right way to go about doing things - but it is working beautifully for us. I can easily finish school, we are a very close family, and we spend our time together doing things we love.

This year I've also started adding "dates out" with individual sons. I take one of them to town for hot chocolate and play board games there (the little place in town has games there) and we go to the dollar store for them to buy one gift for each boy. They practice getting doors for me and using good manners, and we just enjoy hanging out and talking alone. It's great fun! This past "date" my middle ds and I went Christmas shopping, making a list of gifts just for him. He felt so special and loved it. My oldest is asking when our next date will be anxiously... I usually do this once a month or every other week, so they have to wait awhile for it. I think it makes it more special.

One last thing we've learned about approaching activities in a family manner - it is best to pick things WE as parents like and go from there. When we are enthused, they are enthused, and we all enjoy ourselves. For example, I love hot chocolate, shopping, and being treated like a lady , so that's what we did last time. My dh loves to hunt, fish, and ride 3 wheelers, so they enjoy that together too. I don't like going to the public pool, so putting one in our backyard was a huge relief. I love to cook, so fonduing, cooking for parties, etc. is great fun for me as well as for the boys. Both my dh and I like board games and are pretty competitive at ping pong , so that was fun too. We enjoy vacationing with my family and like watching baseball - so that's where those came in. I love music concerts, so I'll probably take my oldest to a Christian concert soon. Anyway, I think if you begin with what you enjoy as parents, the dc will be blended into that, traditions that last will be started, and everyone will be excited to be together enjoying life as a family. At least, that's our goal!

In Christ,
Julie

I also read "The Socialization Trap," and found it to be full of great wisdom. I truly believe that the best place for our children is with their family, and that nothing is really neccessary beyond that. I do put my older dd in activities from time to time, and my little ones do spend time in our church nursery from time to time, but I am always being watchful of every activity and how it affects our family as a whole. If at ANY point I feel that our family unit is suffering AT ALL, I will not hesitate to drop the few activities that we have.

I use to be part of a mom's group that would meet a couple times a week. It really seemed harmless, but I noticed that my children were becoming edgy and out of sorts many times after attending these "play dates." I made the decision to drop the group a few months ago, and my children seem to have so much more peace now. They are also forming much better relationships with each other. They are sharing and respecting each other so much more (which is no easy feat with a 1 and 2 year old in the mix). Everyone in our family seems so much happier now that we have really made the commitment to just stay home more and enjoy each other. It is SOOOO much easier to work on character issues with my children at home, then with all those other outside influences thrown into the mix.

My oldest is 9, and we have never done any outside activities (team sports, music lessons, etc). Sometimes I feel like they are missing out (our area is very "upwardly mobile" and most people have their kids in team sports by age 4), but we really like being at home. I have found that with a little time on their hands, my kids come up with the most creative and imaginative things to do. Things I would have never dreamed of.

I make sure that we're stocked on puzzles, games, costumes, building toys (legos, blocks, etc) and art supplies. We also have plenty of library books (my kids have been sitting quietly for 1 whole hour on the couch looking at their new library books--if you knew MY KIDS, you would understand that this is a BIG DEAL!!).

I, personally, know that I cannot handle being out too much. I am an introvert by nature and get energized by having "alone time." So too many social outings make me grouchy! And no one likes a grouchy mama. Not all of my kids are that way, but they also have each other to play with.

Good morning ladies! I must say, I have really enjoyed reading this thread. I am in the exact same situation of evaluating our time. This is our first year homeschooling my 6 year old daughter for kindergarten. I also have a 4 year old son. We are definitely in our groove as far as HOD is concerned. We love it!! But, we are still struggling to balance everything else. I decided before we started to homeschool that I would only allow the kiddos one activity each per year. My daughter is taking a ballet class one night per week.

Other than that, we did join a homeschool group. We moved to Texas about a year ago and I was really concerned about her making some friends, since we didn't know anyone here. All of our family and friends live 12 hours away! We really love our homeschool group, but I have to choose carefully what we participate in. It's a great group and they have a lot of events scheduled. At first we were going to everything (Mom's meetings, park days, field trips, parties, etc.). But, we had gotten so busy with all of those events we weren't getting school done in the time that I wanted to. Some days we would start at 9:00, some days at 11:00, some days it would be 3:00 before we started, and a couple of days we missed altogether. I think that you get the idea. Anyway, last month I really started evaluating all of this. I have decided that we will only be participating in the events that are just for fun (like park days), and no more than one event with them per week. I feel like HOD is definitely filling the academic needs that we have. So, between her ballet class, one homeschool event per week, and church activities, we are still busier than I would like to be.

My husband and I have been talking a lot lately about how we can slow the pace of our lives down. We are all too busy! I really believe that Satan keeps us all so busy that we aren't doing the things that the Lord really wants us to be doing. He even gets us busy doing "good" things, like church activities. We have really been bogged down lately planning Fall Festivals, Christmas parties and stuff like that for church. And, while these are all "good" things, I agree that we are missing out in the everyday ministry-in-life things.

And, back to the kids. Kids today, in my opinion, are way too busy as well. They are overstimulated and tired. I see this starting to happen in my own kids. And, I don't want it to continue. That's why we are re-evaluating. We are starting with Christmas. We are really going to try to keep our schedule light next month. I am going to use some of that time to really look at where our priorities are and come up with a good schedule. And, I am hoping to start the New Year with a fresh outlook.

I think that someone who posted earlier had a great idea about stocking up on things to do at home (board games, etc.). I am going to try to do that. Thanks again! That was a great topic that I needed to hear. Have a great day!

Christy

Mariaw (and others), I admire your post. It was so concise. And I DO know your kids and I DO know it is a big deal to sit for an hour and read library books!

I envy those you for having made this decision and been able to stick by your guns. I, too, would rather stay home every afternoon. I was thrilled to have the "excuse" of pregnancy not to be involved in activities and hang at home most of the time. And then I hear the college admissions boards whispering in my ear, "Where are their leadership skills?" "Where is their team involvement?" "How do we know they will work well with others?" and all of those other questions we know get commented on and asked during that process. It is in those moments I cave and sign my kiddos up for 2 days a week of gymnastics (that is their only activity). And the neighborhood kids are less than a good influence on my kids (1 girl constantly bullies both of my kids and the parents enable it), the other kids... sigh...

Anyway, can those of you with kids grown (and I know there are a few of you out there), having gone through the college admissions process, chime in on this topic, please? Were activities a help? a hinderance? did it matter at admission time?

** Sewpeaceful (okay, so maybe I don't sound "sew" peaceful with this post, BUT I assure you I am when I'm sewing! )

Sewpeaceful,

This may not answer your question directly, but it may provide you ample food for thought. Check out the link that follows for a copy of a letter sent by the Dean of Harvard to entering Freshman advising them to SLOW DOWN. In essence, he advises students that the "habits" many of them have learned to get into college may not ultimately serve them well. Hmmmmm. Makes you wonder...doesn't it?!

http://www.scribd.com/doc/16146098/Gett ... doing-less

Ladies,
I have been wrestling with this same issue. At the first of the year my husband and I had a long talk about our priorities as a family. My main question to myself was, "When do we as a family have time to minister to others?" Whether it be my dad, who recently had a stroke, my mom who needs alot of housework done, my grandmother in the nursinghome, our neighbors (we live near a single mom and some dear elderly), or my husband inviting an unsaved friend from work home for dinner. A girlfriend and I were even sharing the other day that taking a meal to someone many time ends up to be a burden instead of a blessing because we are way too busy than need be.

My husband and I too began, when dss were little, thinking that we would only allow them to be involved in one or two activities. One quickly became two and so on and so on. Next thing you know we found ourselves gone almost every night. Not only doing dcs activities, but some that I am involved in as well. I picked up a pamplet at our church on Time Management and Priorities. It stated Ephes. 5:15-6:18 and used it as an example of how Paul speaks to the use of the Christian's time. The first 3 verses say:

See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what is the will of the Lord.

I had never really thought of my accountabilty to God as a good steward of the time He has given (when it come to dcs activites anyway). In the scheme of our eternal home in heaven, my priorities shift quickly from what seemed so important here on earth. We met a family very much like some of the posters on this thread who had completely given up all outside activities and it pricked our hearts. We have since given up Golf and PE. We are still praying about other activities to limit.

What great encouragment and ideas found here on this thread this morning. Thank you ladies for your detailed testimonies and books shared. I have been blessed tremendously and plan to follow your examples.

Living by grace,
Cindy

P.S. Sewpeace, I cannot help with the older H.S. student question. I think it is a very good question. I know that some one will chime in with advice there.

So much wisdom on this thread...thank you all for sharing! I guess we are not alone in sorting through these issues

deltagal wrote:Sewpeaceful,

This may not answer your question directly, but it may provide you ample food for thought. Check out the link that follows for a copy of a letter sent by the Dean of Harvard to entering Freshman advising them to SLOW DOWN. In essence, he advises students that the "habits" many of them have learned to get into college may not ultimately serve them well. Hmmmmm. Makes you wonder...doesn't it?!

http://www.scribd.com/doc/16146098/Gett ... doing-less

This article really spoke to me, Florence. Thank you so much for sharing it. I've printed it for future reference, for when I begin to question things. I too believe in the importance of slowing down and enjoying life together, rather than racing from thing to thing. I also believe in God expecting us to be good stewards of our time.

My dh and I have talked a lot about this. I grew up playing volleyball, basketball, in band, choir, musicals, plays, swing band, jazz band, cheerleading, student council - there's more - I haven't even touched on all of the church activities here yet - but I'll stop. I did enjoy these things, but was often exhausted trying to maintain a high GPA and be the best I could be at all of these things. Before I was in high school, we lived in the country, and I talked with my parents all of the time, we had meals together, and we did things as a family. When we moved to town and I started high school, all of that changed, and we kind of lost touch with each other, rarely ate meals together, and almost never had time to talk other than about what I needed for all of the things I was in - rides, clothes, money, uniforms, etc. During all of those activities, I didn't interact with my parents or my siblings very much, and I'll be honest - high school is where I really went astray, off the Christian path and away from the Lord.

My dh, on the other hand, was in zero school or church activities in high school, but he hunted, fished, trapped, rode dirtbikes, rebuilt cars, etc. with his brothers.

Guess which one of us still does ALL of the things we did back then? I'm sure you guessed it (especially if you've met me and can see how relatively out of shape I am ). My dh. He does ALL of these things and now he does them with our sons. I wish I had things like this to do. I am not interested in doing anything I did in high school. I'm still almost, like this Harvard letter suggests, just now figuring out what things I REALLY want to do just for the sake of enjoying them - not for the sake of a trophy, an award, a newspaper write-up, or looking good on paper for colleges/careers/etc.. You know what I've found? I LOVE to cook and bake - who knew?!? I get so excited trying a new recipe or inviting people over for dinner. I also have found I love to take pictures and put them in digital photobooks. I enjoy getting help and giving help on this board! I love to teach my OWN dc, rather than someone else's. I enjoy walks in the summer, and writing creative stories. These are all things I enjoy doing that I didn't even realize I would enjoy - and I could have been enjoying them much sooner and developed these interests much more had I ever even thought about it.

I feel like all of those activities in high school were kind of a waste of time and money for me. So when my dh and I had dc, we had this chat about trying to choose to do things ourselves (my dh was very sad his dad did none of these things with them) with our kids and have them do things that they could enjoy lifelong - that we could try to do a bunch of things with them and see what they're interested in that they could develop lifelong and encourage those things. Things like golf, running, hunting, fishing, 3 wheeler riding, taking photographs or recording things with a camcorder, putting together puzzles, cooking, archery, gardening, swimming, playing piano or guitar, etc. are all things that can be developed and enjoyed for a lifetime. (We have boys, but if you have girls, there are many other things that would work lifelong.) These are all things that we have total control over because they are not team sports. How will they learn to be part of a team, you ask? Well, our family is the team, and so is our extended family. On the rare occasion we've had other dc over or have been to a friend's house and they have dc, our dc always fit in just fine (of course we are there too), but we tell them they "have each other's back", and they may never just leave their sibling out to dry on their own - they will be brothers forever, and friends come and go. Usually, the other dc are trying to hang out with us and our kids, because our kids know how to play together and are used to coming up with things to do on their own that they enjoy. What's the best way for others to want to join you in your play? By having fun yourself! When it looks like fun, others join in. One time our kids had all our friends' kids out their playing football - one kid in cowboy boots, 2 girls in dresses, anyway - it looked like fun, so everyone just joined in. In fact, the only girl who didn't join in was the one that's in about every activity you can imagine - instead, she wanted to hang out inside with me and her mom while we were talking - go figure. Her mom told me she gets lonely for time alone with her.

As far as college resumes, I think that's a valid point, and one we plan to address when our sons are older through church and neighborhood possibilities. We'll probably have our dc lead a Bible study, help clear leaves for the elderly, serve at the Mission with us, there are such endless possibilities there. But even then, the goal will still be to keep things at a slower pace and choose things that our dc are interested in and can benefit from lifelong.

What an awesome discussion this is! Thanks for bringing it up here, as we are all struggling with this daily as parents

In Christ,
Julie