Need some advice.....off topic question about Christmas

[christyg]

Hi ladies! I have an off topic question about Christmas. Carrie, I hope that this is ok, please forgive me if it isn't. You ladies always give the best advice!

Do you or do you not do Santa Claus at Christmas time? Either way, how do you handle it?

Just some background on us..........I have a daughter who just turned 6 in September and a son who just turned 4 in October. I will start by saying that we really struggled with this decision in the beginning on whether or not to do it or not. My husband thought that we shouldn't get it started, but if we did we should do it in a way where it was really not a big deal. We both believed in him as kids. In fact, I was told that when I stopped believing, I would stop getting presents, so I pretended to believe for a long time. We decided not to make a decision until she got a little older (we didn't do it the first couple of Christmases). When she turned 3 we decided to "loosely" do it. We never talked about him, and really didn't make big deal about it. We did give her a couple of gifts from him, and decided that she would get the best gifts from us. We did let her sit in his lap at the mall a couple of times when we happened to be there. We don't have any Santa ornaments, Santa decorations or anything like that with him on it that we put up. Most of her information about him is just what she has seen on TV.

Anyway, in the last 6 months or so she has started asking questions. Not questions like "Is he real?", but questions like "How does he do this or that, etc?". And I usually answer as quickly as possible "I'm not sure" and change the subject. Well, last week, she started talking about sending him a letter and I just cringed. So, my husband and I started talking this weekend about what to do. I had always said that when she came out and asked me if he was real or not, that I would just say no and explain to her where Saint Nicholas really came from and that it was just a little game that people play.

So, we're not sure what to do. I don't think that it would be hard for us to change since we have never made a big deal about it. Honestly, she is so smart, I don't think that it would be too long before she asked anyway. I just don't want her or my son to be disappointed about why other kids get to believe and they don't. Maybe I shouldn't even worry about that. There are a lot of things that we do different from other families (homeschooling, for example ), and they have been fine with it. My husband thinks that we should just explain it all to her now. I kind of wish that we had never started it to begin with. I just feel like we are doing our best to always tell her and our son the truth about things, and I feel like this is going against that.

I don't have a problem giving gifts from Santa and saying that we do it because of Saint Nicholas and how he was a good Christian and was very generous. I just have a problem telling them that he is real. And my husband says if we're going to do that, why do it at all, why not just give them gifts from us and not even mention him. He probably makes a good point. I am just worried that our kids will think that God and Jesus aren't real too if she finds out that Santa isn't. Maybe I am worrying too much about it. I just want to do the right thing while she is still so little. So, if any of you think that we should go ahead and explain it to them, what should we say?

Anyway, sorry for the long post. Any advice that you ladies can give me will be greatly appreciated! Thanks so much!
Christy

PS. If you have any tips on the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy or any other holiday send them too! Ha!

[Busymomma1]

We've always told our kids he is a made up story. They certainly are NOT disappointed at Christmas! ha! They know all their presents are from real people, and it doesn't seem to phase them. I understand your confusion. I don't want to mix truth with false either. We really want them to focus on Jesus! Now, before you think we've done it perfectly, we have not. I mean, just today, my kids were pouring over toy catalogs. It's hard to prevent them from getting "the gimme's" at Xmas, and I wish it weren't the case. But I've probably played a big part in that. Anyway, It sounds like you may need to address it soon, or you'll get deeper into it without meaning to. The best way to handle it? I myself am not sure, but... pray James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." God will give you the wisdom you need... and the best part... without finding fault! Awesome verse! Also, "you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free" comes to mind. The truth will not hurt your kids, for sure! As I write, I'm thinking I need to pray for some wisdom myself...

Be blessed!

[mariaw]

My daughter was 5 when she point blank asked me if he was real. I just told her the truth, but acted like she was now "in on the game." She was allowed to help set out her younger brother's "presents from Santa" and she has LOVED playing that role. We've never been openly deceptive about it, and I think we'll let ds6 in on it this year.

[Shimmer]

We don't do any gifts from Santa. I'm ok about my kids reading about Santa in stories, but I didn't want to have any gifts with his name on it. It seemed to blur the line between real and make believe for me. And I want to be clear that Jesus is real and not just a story. I try to keep the focus on that. I don't have any Santa decorations for example. It used to annoy me when my in-laws used to ask my kids if they had been good for Santa and what Santa was going to bring them this year. I know it's just normal conversation, but I thought it was annoying as I was trying to be clear about what is real and what wasn't. lol...

We have a birthday party for Jesus. We've been doing it on Christmas Eve the last couple years as that time has been working out well with all the other festivities. The girls help make and decorate the cake. We put the year on top and get pictures each year.

You could tell your oldest that while Santa isn't a real person, it's a real game that people get to play at Christmas time. The parents get to play Santa and put Santa presents under the tree. You could have her pick out some Santa presents for her siblings, other relatives, or an adopted family to get in on the fun. Giving to others is a big part of the fun!

Hope you find the way you will be happy handling the season. Kids are good at rolling with things. Don't worry, they'll be fine!

[Daisy]

I think asking about sending a letter might be a good segway into the conversation. You could have a Saint Nicholas book handy and explain to her that she can't send Saint Nicholas a letter because he lived a long time ago and is now in heaven. Share the story and maybe tell her that last year the presents you gave her not really from Saint Nicholas but rather "like" Saint Nicholas in that he liked to give gifts to others also. Saint Nicholas loved to give to others because he loved Jesus and wanted to share his love with others.

Then maybe instead of writing a letter to Saint Nicholas of things she would like to have, you can help her write a letter with a list of things she would love to give to others just like St. Nicholas. I'd take the time to mention that St. Nicholas wouldn't be very happy with everyone thinking so much just about him and about presents. He would want everyone to love Jesus as much as he did (and direct the focus that direction).

We don't do "Santa Claus" but we have no problems with St. Nicholas. We limit the focus on him (no gifts from him, limited ornaments, no lawn stuff, etc.) because we want the focus to be on the gift of God's Son, Jesus.

I realize others tackle Christmas differently but that's how we handle St. Nickolas in our house.

[Happy2bMommyof3]

I'd just like to ditto the advice from the other ladies. I think you should tell her now before it gets any deeper. I personally wouldn't even play it off about the presents that were given in the past. I would just explain to her how you struggled with what to tell them about Santa in the beginning and now you have regrets about it. She sounds like a smart kid and she'll appreciate the honesty and straightforwardness rather than trying to justify why you did things in the past. I have had lots of conversations with my oldest like that and it has always turned out well. We started out when she was small doing Santa and Easter Bunny, etc. but after I got saved I had to come clean because I felt like I was lying. All of my kids know the truth now, but they also know not to tell their friends since it is their friends parents who should tell them.

I'm sure that it will all be fine!

[Daisy]

I totally agree about being honest. I suppose I could have worded by suggestion better. I just thought explaining what you may have been thinking last year might make it clearer to her why you said gifts were from Santa last year.

[my3sons]

We tell the kids that Saint Nicholas was a real person that lived a long time ago, and that stories have been passed down about him for many years. There are some traditions people have made, and we can enjoy them in our own way if we want to, but he is not alive and cannot be written to or seen today. My in-laws were upset about this, as they made a big deal of having the kids set out cookies and milk for Santa and my kids gave a wink and told them they hoped they enjoyed the cookies. My mother-in-law continued to insist Santa was real and got quite upset with my oldest when he said I'd told him the truth. Very awkward. Since then, they've had fun leaving cookies out for Santa (wink, wink) a few times at our house and once at Grandma's, knowing we'd be eating them but still liking the tradition. The last few years, they haven't chosen to do the cookies/milk. I'm glad they get Christmas is about Christ and am fine with their knowing about Santa.

We have the same deal with the tooth fairy. I told them there is no tooth fairy, but that there is a tradition of pretending the tooth fairy comes to leave a gift under your pillow if you leave your tooth there for her. We've had a blast with this! They leave their tooth under their pillow, and I write them a sticky note as if I'm the tooth fairy and leave some coins and some candy in a ziplock bag. I always try to write something that we just read about or did. For example, when Wyatt lost his last tooth I wrote this because we are studying Turkey in CTC...
I'm so sorry I'm late to pick up your tooth (since I'd taken a few days to get the note written ), but I was picking up a beautiful tooth in Turkey. I stayed in a bee-hive hut with mud on the walls, and had a delicious yogurt-flavored food. A van cat waved me down and had me pick up one of his teeth that he knocked out swimming across salty Lake Van. Then, just as I was about to fly to get your tooth, a whirling Dervish knocked a tooth out while twirling and wanted me to stop right away for it. Not long after that, a burly man knocked his tooth out while oil wrestling, and his camel unfortunately lost a tooth during his oil wrestling too. I have an amazing collection of teeth from Turkey, but I pulled an all-nighter flying to get your tooth. It's just the right size for my growing collection. Thanks, and now I'm off for a return trip to Turkey - I just can't resist that place!
Love,
The Tooth Fairy

Anyway, we still have some fun with these traditions but have chosen to always be honest about the fact that it is us behind them. HTH - it's tough making all of these choices, but I do think it's important to be very frank so our dc don't begin to question whether we are really serious or not, or telling the truth or not. Great question!

In Christ,
Julie

[Daisy]

I remember my daughter's kindergarten year. Christmas was coming up quickly and the children were so excited about it. The private school teacher played along with the whole Santa thing. Right in the middle of a story about Santa Claus my five year old daughter stands up and blurts out, "Santa is DEAD!" Audible gasps could be heard. I don't even remember how the teacher recovered from that but my daughter just couldn't understand why anyone would pretend Santa was behind Christmas if he was DEAD. She told me that it obvious to her that the teacher just didn't KNOW that Santa was dead. LOL. Oops. So we had a long talk about those who enjoy playing "pretend."

[jenntracy]

We have never said that gifts come from Santa. some of the relatives may say "this is from Santa" but the kids know that he is not real. my son just turned 6 and have daughters who are 4.5 yrs and 21 months old.

We just tell them their are fun stories,songs,etc for the Christmas season but that is all they are ... stories. they do love to get presents but they know that the real reason we celebrate is because of our Saviour's birth,Jesus. We have never made a big deal out of it and they don't seem to be disappointed.

they have a cousin who i am not sure if believes in Santa. it seems as though his family talks it up a little. my son has said that his cousin says "Santa" gave me this. i am not sure if my son has said to him "Santa isn't real". i could see my son getting into a debate over it and coming to ask me for back-up in his debate.

Hope that helps.

Jenn D.

[kiloyd]

I didn't want to "do Santa" at all, but dh argued it. I don't talk about Santa and we have a children's book about Saint Nicholas. I also don't do any Santa ornaments or decorations. But the in-laws talk up Santa more than I'd like.

DS 8, wanted to leave a snack out for Santa last year. I let him. ANd if he talks about Santa I let him too. He did say something about Santa being in all the malls. I told him he had helpers.

As for the toothfairy, ds asked me flat out last year if the tooth fairy was real. I tried to say "what do you think?", but he wasn't going for that. Then I said, "do you want her to be real?". He was getting angry and said "mommy just tell me! Is the tooth fairy real?". So I said "no". If he was asking I was not going to lie to him. ANd he's fine and knows I play the toothfairy. Actually the last tooth he lost we didnt' even do the tooth fairy.

I think it's only a matter of time before he asks about Santa being real and I will not lie to him. I think I'll tell him that Saint Nicholas was a realy person and that's where the story of Santa came from.

I believed in Santa when I was a kid and I don't even remember when I figured out he wasn't real.

[8arrows]

Julie, I love your note. I may need to borrow that as our "tooth fairy" has been known to be up to two weeks late! It does contribute to children figuring out that the tooth fairy is not real. One of my children said, "Mom, is it OK if I just get my own quarter." OK, obviously they just like the game! They were just as happy with that scenerio and even thought it was funny. Hey, less work for this tooth fairy! General note: We have not done Santa (Yes, a big gasp from my family as well.), but perhaps for a different reason. I did not want to add a "character" to the Christmas story. I am OK with pretend because we pretend all the time. My children know from early on that Jesus is real. Instead (This will not be for those who do not like the pretend aspect. I respect that opinion.), the "camels" drop by our house with a very small present and one piece of candy. OK, this one is pretty easy to figure out, but they love leaving out a glass of water for the camels to "drink".

[Shimmer]

I also wanted to add the we give our kids three gifts at Christmas from us. We do three to represent the three gifts baby Jesus got from the wise men. Keeps our spending under control although with the piles of presents they get from my in-laws the idea probably gets lots in the shuffle. lol.

[christyg]

Good morning ladies! Thanks so much for all of your replies! I'm still not sure what we are going to do. I really wish that we had never even started any of it. We had pretty much decided not to in the beginning and then let several family members and church friends (who are all good Christians) talk us into doing it. Of course they all believed as children (like my husband and I did )and had no trouble when they found out. I am certainly not blaming them, because we are the ones who made the decision to go ahead. But, none of them told me about how I would feel guilty later on about it. I guess that they must not feel that way. It is really hard being a good Christian mother these days. I am sure that I will get an "Amen" out of that. We want our kids to have fun, but at the same time, we want to be teaching them the right things. I think that this is just hard for me because everyone you talk to does it differently. But, I know that we are all trying to do our best. I think that I have 3 options here:

1. Keep doing what we are doing and when she asks us, just tell her no, he is not real, just a "game" that people play.
2. Go ahead and tell her now that he is not real, and then tell her where the story came from (the Saint Nicholas story), and continue to play the "game" maybe giving them one gift from Santa
3. Go ahead and tell her now that he is not real, and then quit doing anything Santa related (still doing gifts from us and none from him). We still have lots of traditions: tree, decorations, baking cookies, the Christmas story, church activities.

I am just going to talk it over with my husband again, and pray that we make the right decision. Thanks again so much for all of your help!
Christy

[8arrows]

I do agree that this is a very hard issue. I still do not know where we will land on it in time, and I respect you greatly for wrestling with it. I was personally very impressed with Daisy's answer. With prayer and your husband's counsel you will do well. Let us know where you land as it could be helpful to others of us as well.