Dealing with a perfectionist

[my2guys]

Last week was a doozie with my 5.5 yo ds - who is my firstborn and my perfectionist. His attitude with most things is if he can't do it the right way and better than everyone else on the first try, then he's done trying. Since we're getting ready to start Kindergarten with LHFHG in about month or so, I was wondering if those of you who have a perfectionistic child and some years of homeschooling under your belt could share some of your wisdom with me on how you deal with this trait. 'Cause after last week, I'm thinking that this mama might end up a little cuckoo by next summer. Help!

[3sweeties]

Hi Sharon,

I understand having a perfectionist! My little guy (now almost 7.5) has struggled with that from an early age. In K, he was especially this way. I, too, am a perfectionist, so I have learned that I need to make sure I am not putting unrealistic expectations in the area of school on him (which I was guilty of in K...WAY too much on his plate for a K'er). I also have worked really, really hard to let him know that it is okay to make mistakes, to have to erase something, etc., as long as he is trying his best. I (through the grace of God!) try to stay calm and not let his outbursts/meltdowns affect me, which I know is sometimes very hard! I have seen him mature and grow immensely in this area over the past year (1st grade). He still has his moments, but they are not as intense as they used to be. Hope some of this helps...you are not alone! Praying that God will give you His Wisdom and Understanding with your son!

[Candice]

Sharon,

I don't have a lot to share but, I do have a dd (5.5 and my firstborn) who can be stubborn as far as having things be perfect, or more commonly, done her way.
I had a talk with her and explained that I am the one in charge and during school time she needs to follow my directions about how things are to be completed. For instance, when she is practicing handwriting, she much prefers to use all uppercase letters for her words even though she knows how to use lowercase. I would ask her to fix her error and she would tell me, "I can do it my own way". I explained to her that during school time she will do it my way because I am trying to teach her specific things. I went on to explain to her that while she is on her own time she may write her letters however she would like. I believe this makes her feel like we have arrived at a compromise that will appease both of us.
Also, as far as having a talk with her about any issue, I make sure to remove ourselves from our school area and sit down with her face to face and let her know what my rules and expectations are. I want to make sure that she understands what I expect from her, and having a one-on-one sit down talk with her seems to help her understand that this is a big deal to me.
I don't know if you are very familiar with the Brady Bunch (I totally grew up on it!) but, I guess you could say, I make the issues appear to her to be a big deal by having a "Mike Brady" style sit down talk with her. I just want her to know that her behavior and attitude are very important to me, and I want it to be important to her also.
Whenever issues come up, I make it super clear where the boundaries are and I gently but firmly explain to her what my expectations are of her. I also try to make sure that when issues about her behavior come up, whether it is about being stubborn, lazy, half-hearted, etc., I try to utilize particular memory verses (those found in LHFHG) to help her understand what God expects from her. I think using the verses helps her to see that God has a "voice" in letting her know what is expected of her. When she hears it as God's word, a lightbulb seems to go off for her because she pretty much knows that if God says it, he means it! Having the memory verses (love that Hide Em' Your Heart CD!) to rely on have really helped me to feel "well armed" when trying to teach her good character. I try to pinpoint her character "flaws" and address those specifically and directly.
It is definitely a work in progress but, I feel like I have a good plan to counter her behavioral issues when they come up.

Candice

[Tansy]

My little one from China is a perfectionist. I think mainly due to the thought that if she isn't perfect she will end up being sent back... If she can't do it perfect she won't. How I have worked around this is pointing out her expectations for herself are higher than Gods expectations for her. There was only one perfect man he was Jesus. Now even tho we strive to be like Jesus we are sinners and will fall short of the mark. And I ask her What Does God expect from you.. to be a sinner and need help. What does Mommy expect from you.. to try your best. If she is still a puddle of tears I give her a break but come back to it later in the day.

The second go round I take the approach of ok now you had trouble saying your R's (thus refusing to sound out any words with an R in them) we are now going to train your brain. Training your brain helps you get it right. And we only do 1 or 2 of the big bad nasty unpronounceable words. with me modeling it then her trying it on her own. then I drop it, she usually has bright shiny tear filled eyes sure I'm gonna be upset she didn't get it perfect. But we have worked out way though Z R and now were working on S.

if she refuses during this second session I point out it is a discipline issue "I asked her to so she must try", or its time in for her. (an adoption variant of time out)

[rni'smommy]

Ds (5yr, first born) is also like this. We have had so much trouble with writing because of it. He wants to be able to write perfect without me showing him how, and he has a heart attack if we have to erase something. I just try really hard to teach him with out him realizing it. Like I have had him draw the letter, or number with his finger on the paper before using the pencil to make sure he is forming it right. He was having a lot of trouble with his phonics also so we switched to a phonics program that goes way slower and starts out with a lot of review of things he has already learned so he can build his confidence. Just take it slow. HTH

[sjones4]

My perfectionist dd was quite challenging in K. I know that some of it was due to the fact that I am a bit of a perfectionist too . We had trouble meshing our personalities for school work. I would say about halfway through the year I finally figured out how to work with her.

"Try your best" is the daily mantra. We talk about how things might not be perfect even before we begin a lesson. I also try to dig in my memory for problems that I had growing up that may be amusing stories to help take the pressure off. I try everything I can to pre-empt a tearful end. I adjusted several things along the way in order to prevent frustration. I wanted to teach her cursive first since she had attended a Montessori preschool that introduced cursive sandpaper letters rather than manuscript, but when the frustration level got too high I switched to HWT and the tears disappeared. She still looks abashedly at me when she does not write as neatly as she knows she can. I don't say anything other than encourage her to do better on the next word. Unless it is a blatant mistake I don't make her erase her work. Simply move on to the next word. In K she loved to choose her "best" letter out of the line. That way the focus was on the good not the bad.

In math she just hit a mental roadblock. It was very frustrating for both of us. I thought she had just stopped trying because she couldn't do things that she understood a week earlier. I took a month off of math and started back slowly. She blossomed after that. Math can still be a big problem if I don't address it correctly. I have found that if I preface a lesson with, "We will be learning a new skill today. If you do not get it the first time that is okay. We will try again tomorrow." At the first sign of tear filled eyes I quickly pack away the materials and let her know that we will try again tomorrow.

I think the biggest thing for me has been trying to not show my own frustration. Learning to keep my voice and face uplifting was a matter of changing my own attitude of perfectionism. The good thing about hs is that we get to learn right along the kiddos - and its not always subjects that we learn.

[my3sons]

My little Riley is a perfectionist - but he probably gets it from me . He doesn't want me to show him how to do anything. As I'm giving directions, he's saying, "O.k.,O.k., O.k. I get it. Let me do it now." But, he has, in fact, not listened to a word I've said and is proceeding to do the assignment incorrectly. This is when I stand on the table, scream AHHHHHHH!, and pull my hair out - not really - scared you, huh?

In reality, I take a very deep breath, and remind him that I am the teacher, and he needs to listen to directions before he begins. If he begins something and makes errors that need to be fixed, I always start by saying all that he did well with first. Then, I have him fix a few things. I also correct everything as he goes, so he's not left with a pile of corrections at the end of the school session. It is important for him that I don't hover. I try to give him directions, have him start, and then I walk away. He likes to be independent, and my hovering is not a positive for us working together. Also, if the assignment didn't really have to turn out a certain way, I let his way go. (This is ME learning to control my perfectionist tendencies.)

One other thing that helps is rotating who's in control. It helps him to start with something he's in control of, like his handwriting. Then, something I'm in control of - like history reading and activity - and back and forth. I also put in a free playtime for him in the middle of his school for 30 minutes, so he can be in charge of that too. All of these things make my perfectionist little honey quite happy in the day to day of homeschooling. I hope something here can help! I think as long as those little ones can find the balance of letting us as moms/teachers have needed control and having some control themselves - that helps.

In Christ,
Julie

[rni'smommy]

my3sons, I think you just described my ds to a T. I have a question though. How do you deal with things like the rod and staff work books where they stress that they are supposed to color in a certain way (in the lines, outlineing first) and ds can't do it so he gets upset. I just try to tell him to slow down and do it carefully but that it doesn't have to be perfect.

[my2guys]

Thanks, ladies. Such good advice. I realized last week as my frustration level with him was high (and not even over anything school-related), that I was going to have to work on my reaction to him before I could hope to help him. And you ladies have given me such encouragement. I think I'm going to print out this thread so I can highlight it and refer to it often. Thank you!

[my3sons]

my3sons, I think you just described my ds to a T. I have a question though. How do you deal with things like the rod and staff work books where they stress that they are supposed to color in a certain way (in the lines, outlineing first) and ds can't do it so he gets upset. I just try to tell him to slow down and do it carefully but that it doesn't have to be perfect.

You're doing just what we do in this situation - I try to downplay it as he's "up-playing" it. I used to trace the section for him and then let him color - which seemed to help at first. It helps when I explain that if dc were perfect at doing that skill at that age, there would be no need to practice it, and it wouldn't be in the book. Since it's in the book, it's assuming that this is a new skill to be learned through practice. I try to just be brief about it, slap a sticker on the top, and move on when he's in a mood such as that.

In Christ,
Julie