heartofdakota.com

If you hadn't noticed, I have been silent on the boards lately. One reason is that I had to make a really tough decision, about our oldest daughter. I feel like I'm making a confession eep!

My oldest has NOT been learning with me. This has been an on going struggle for years.
Daddy was helping out in the evenings but life at home during the day was really rotten. It was one unending power struggle with her. She would rather fail, failing was like a comfortable/safe place with her. She actually told me on Tuesday that "in her feelings, if she starts to 'get it' with me I have won and she has lost." Oi! vey! So that is why when she would start to get it and I would praise her she would be Little miss ugly or burst into tears. Can you picture it: You praise your child for doing it right and she immediately is disrespectful so she can get in trouble or starts crying. And I was suffering from "terrible mother syndrome."

After much prayer and thought we looked into private schools. The ones in our area, were way out of our price range. 9k a semester! But in the process I came across a Charter school. It had tiny classes and was in a church building! In fact this particular charter school will only place their schools in churches. They focus on character, Use manipulatives for math, And specifically teach the child in the child's learning style. Needless to say I was floored, who ever heard of a public school like this before. So after much prayer My husband said "enroll her". I found out all the teachers my child comes in contact with, happen to be Christians. Which gives me much relief.

My attitude in the morning towards doing homeschooling is so changed. I wake up in the morning and look forward to what Lily is going to learn that day. My home is so peaceful and full of laughter now. My eldest loves her school adores her teacher, and told me on the 3rd day that she had been praying "for years!" to go to school, and that God must really love her.

We still are having conflicts with homework and You should have seen the look of surprise on her face when she realized her teacher gives her more word problems than Mom ever did. In fact the second week she tried all the tricks in her bag of tricks, to get me upset over her homework. I then pointed out its no longer my problem, but hers to learn, and if her homework isn't done her teacher will make her pull a stick, but I'm here if you need me, always glad to help you out.

I'm grateful to God for this school and the peace he has led my home to. Even if I'm sorrowful DD1 is not at home. She is finding many of her fantasies about school are not true but still loves it any way. The tenor of this school is so unexpected she got 7 welcome cards from various students apparently without any promptings from the teachers. Which I find amazing.

Tansy,

I just thought about you earlier this week, wondering where you've been. Glad to see you back here.

I'm sorry you've been struggling so much...it's difficult when things just don't seem to be working. I'm so glad that you and dh were able to seek an answer through prayer and find something that is working for you. Not every child is the same...it's great that you were able to see that, at least for now, your older dd might do better in 'school'. Who knows, the Lord may lead you to bring her home again some day, or she may continue to flourish where she is and be better for it. He has a plan for your family, and it sounds as if it's being worked out right now in all your lives. It's great that you are home with your younger dd and are finding peace and joy in teaching her and watching her learn. Congratulations...looking forward to hearing more in the future about how the entire family is fairing. Thanks so much for updating us!

Tansy,

I respect you and your hubby's decision to put your child in school. We as parents try to do what's best for our children and we learn as we go. No one method of education is right for every child. You are a wonderful mommy for working so hard to love her and though it's not always been easy or appreciated, you are an example of a mother laying her life down for her child. We support you 100% in what you and dear hubby feel is right! I wish you all the best. HUGS to you.

Wow! It sounds like you found an awesome school for your oldest! And I can tell you guys really have so much peace in your lives now. Sometimes God's plans and our plans are different, and I think it's great that you were able to prayerful find a path that works for you right now. I also think it's great that you continued to homeschool your youngest. It's amazing how different children are and that nothing is really one size fits all. I really admire you for your decision. I know how difficult that must have been.

Please remember, that although this may seem to fix the problem, there is still a heart issue. Special days have been very beneficial at our home for this. I take one of my children out at a time to do something special that they have been wanting to do--eat out, bowling, swimming, etc. This gives me time to really get to talk with them and know their hearts, and it takes me out of teacher mode. Did your husband every talk to your daughter about her attitude towards you? This is the other thing I have found very helpful. I am glad that you gave her no sympathy about her homework (smile). Sometimes we have to learn things the hard way. Unfortunately (at my house) that means me too (not just my children)--someday I will get it right. Right?! Well, by then I will be with Jesus.

Yes i do take time out for each child. But the deep heart issue is: she has been traumatized and does not trust enough to let go. And when she does it is a floodgate of tears then she clams back up. Lately She has been really struggling with her identity, realizing that the woman in the indian dress could be her mom. And maybe just maybe that lady would be a better mom than the one she has. I never claimed this solved the problem but allowing her to have some freedom to experience school, has helped her focus on the positive, given her some control over her life, and limited the time she has to manipulate the family. BTW typical of Adopted kids she is a perfect angel in class.

She is in a place right now where she is imputing all the anger, sadness, heartache she feels towards her birth mom onto me. She's very confused and doesn't want to like me, if one mom left me maybe you will to . She once told me maybe if I'm really bad you will send me back to India. It is this mentality of how ugly can I get and will you still love me.

Funny thing is Hubby got me got a special book about parenting the adopted child, I could have written it. My hubby got it for me because He was sure I needed help, but in the end the book opened his eyes to her manipulative ways. He figures I needed 10% of the book and he needed 90%. And she needs 2 parents with 100%.

For example: Lily is playing a game while Dad is out, Mom is reading the boards and eldest falls asleep on couch. the Dog hearing Daddy come home barks and wakes her up. When Daddy walks in the door the first words out of her mouth are. "I want to play the Game Lily is playing. Its not fair she's been playing a long time." Lilly looks guilty because she has been playing a long time. Dad confronts the little sister as to why she never gave her older sister a turn and jumps on me as to why I allowed it. Lily is ready to burst into tears, Dad is fuming and I'm annoyed and not going to let her get away with it... But she is happy big smile on her face because she is the center of attention. Did she want a turn? no she was sleeping. Did she try to be a victim to get Daddy to be knight in shining armor?... yup.

She needs lots of healing, and to get that she needs to come to grips that her home is a good place.

I will be praying for you. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate but that you are maintaining a great attitude. (I can struggle with my attitude.) I only mentioned the special day because a friend mentioned it to me and it really helped.

Tansy I am glad you found a good solution that is working for you all. I know that adoption adds a whole other dynamics sometimes to homeschooling. We also just recently went through a rough spell with my dd that has special needs and is also adopted. The thing I always come back to is to pray to God to show me how to get through to them and help to heal the things that are there. The truth is only God can heal all the wounds they have. I am glad you got her in a place that will also be teaching her to know Him. I know how tough it can be sometimes. It is a different path than hsing a birth child sometimes if they have deep issues. I agree with you on that. Praying God continues to bless your family.