help with daughter

[mamaloves4]

Hi all!

My oldest daughter, Krystle, is 9 and in Preparing. I love it and she loves it too, but we/I am running into difficulties with her perfectionism,which has been a ongoing problem since she was tiny. I want her to relax and have fun with her projects, but if they don't turn out exactly like the picture in the book (Draw and Write) or how she has it pictured in her head ( such as when we do the history project) we have tears. I guess I am wondering if any of you have any children like this and what you do to encourage them. Can anyone explain what it is like to be like that--I am not a perfectionist so I have no idea where she is coming from, but it makes me soooo sad to see her get so upset over something that should be enjoyable! I don't want to dismiss her feelings and yet I want to encourage her that it is okay if the projects don't turn out 'exactly right'. I guess this question doesn't exactly apply to HOD, but we are running into her perfectionism issues while we are using it,and I so enjoy this board and all the ladies and what they have to say that I thought I would toss this question out there and hope someone has a great piece of advice for me. Anyway--thanks for 'listening' and have a great evening!

Jessica

[AmyB]

Hey Jess,
I didn't know you were on here too! Just wanted to let you know I will pray for patience for all.

[anointedhsmom]

Hi Jessica,

I am a perfectionist so I can relate. My 9 year old is not a perfectionist but the 2 year old sure is. He is already taking his match box cars and lines them up in a perfectly straight line with all the fronts of them perfectly straight too. If one gets moved he will freak out. If he's stacking something and part of it falls off he freaks out. You get the idea. I'm honestly not sure how to handle the 2 year old. I don't remember if I was like this when I was young. I just know I'm a perfectionist now LOL. If I purposely mess up something he puts straight he can't seem to get over it. He cries and won't stop most of the time. So all that to say I can relate. Mine's just younger.

Wish I had some words of wisdom because I know I need them for my 2 year old.

You're not alone my friend!

[my3sons]

Hmmmm, well I'm a bit of a perfectionist myself about some things, and my dc can be too - though with different things and in different situations. It helps my dc to explain before we start that their finished product is NOT supposed to look exactly like the example. Part of the goal of the project is to show a person's originality, and how boring it would be if all of our projects turned out exactly alike! That kind of talking can sometimes get my dc out of that mood. However, sometimes we just need to put the project out of sight for a bit. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Then, we can come back to it later if need be. Also, humor seems to help. For example, if my ds says, "Oh no! I should have colored this brown instead of blue!!!" I might say, "You are so right! Let's throw it away and stomp around the house and a have a good BOO-HOO about it!!!" Sometimes, I actually stamp my foot, and begin to have a big BOO-HOO, exaggerating a big wail of a cry as I dramatically stomp around:lol: This really works with my oldest ds, and he usually starts laughing and telling me how silly I am being and how much I am over-reacting, which is exactly what I'm trying to get him to understand HE is doing. Then, I'll just say something to the effect of, "Well, I guess it'll just have to stay blue, huh? I guess we'll make it." Finally, there are times it just becomes a discipline issue. "It's time to get past this. Let's move on. No more being upset or you'll need to have some time in your room to adjust your attitude." And, there are times that they truly did make a BIG mistake, then perhaps starting over, whiting it out, or gluing a piece of paper over whatever is bothersome goes a long way to fix the problem - or just laughing about it and chalking it up to a bad day works too. Hope something here helps!

In Christ,
Julie

[inHistiming]

Well, I don't know if I can help much, but I'll try. I have perfectionist tendencies, and often feel 'less than I should be' if I can't do something (what I consider to be) perfectly. And I struggle with expecting others to be perfect...and thinking others expect me to be perfect...just ask my husband! My daughter also tends to be this way...in some areas; others I WISH she would lean that way! As for drawing, this is an area where we have struggled. Her older brother loves to draw and has been doing this since the preschool years, and has become a pretty good artist. He loves to spend time creating creatures of all kinds...drawing the scenes off of video game or movie covers, etc. He has even drawn some of his own Bionicle creatures and tried to draw existing ones. She has spent time trying to draw too, and struggled with not being as good as her brother. There were tears and self-loathing involved in these episodes...we had this with her seeming inability to build with Legos or to do anything just like someone else. The main thing I have tried to do is make her see that God has gifted us all differently. Once, when dealing with the Lego issue, I told her that I can't do well with Legos either...but if she really wanted to get better she would have to keep trying; things would improve. I have not spent time working on it so never got any better...I pointed out that she may never build something just like her brother...but she could do her best. At the same time I pointed at that she does have a pretty singing voice, and that might be one of her strengths. With drawing, I've had to redirect her at times...suggesting that if she is getting angry or she can't get something 'just right' (like she sees it in her head) maybe she should take a break and come back later with a new perspective. I've also stressed that practicing more would likely improve her skills. I believe she struggles with an inferiority complex when it comes to her older brother...she's always wanted to be able to do all the things he can do, not realizing his being 2 years older has much to do with his skill, as do his particular giftings...

Well, I am happy to say that my daughter has become quite the little artist herself. One thing she did, and I made sure she knew it was okay to start out that way, was trace pictures she liked. Eventually, she began to try drawing animals and plant life on her own. And I think her artwork is wonderful! She usually colors it in nicely too....both of the older kids spend much time drawing now...either using how-to-draw_______ books, or just making something up, or copying from a picture. She occasionally will still have a 'I can't do this right' spell, but for the most part has realized she can do this, and it's in part because of her hard work. Now, when we have a drawing activity to do in HOD, they are all over it. I am amazed at how closely their drawings usually match the ones in the books they're copying from. I look forward to getting to Preparing...when we'll have a different type of drawing involved in our lessons. I have seen my youngest checking out drawing books from the library too...and even though he's only 5, I expect it will be a huge interest of his. He draws now, but of course it's still in the baby stages.

I believe all kids (and adults; can I say in many ways) struggle with this at some point with some aspect of their lives...I think you can keep encouraging your daughter to keep trying if it's something she wants to get 'just right' while also letting her know it's okay if it's not perfect. You could go to the Bible and read her the verses having to do with how God made each of us special....specifically the one about him knitting us together in our mother's womb....this would help too. Maybe you could share a story from your own life where you felt the same way and tell her how God either gave you peace about not achieving perfection or telling how He helped you to persevere until you got there. And obviously we need to let our kids know the only 'person' to ever achieve true perfection in anything was Jesus Christ himself!

Anyway, I hope there is something here that can encourage you both. If not, I'm sure others will be along to offer their words of wisdom. Good luck with the drawing, and let us know how things are progressing!

[mamaloves4]

I want to just say a big thank-you to all of you who have responded to my little question--sometimes it seems so overwhelming, and I appreciate you taking the time to encourage me!

AmyB--so good to 'know' someone in real time!!! Thanks for praying!

Annointedhsmom: I laughed when you shared your story about lining up cars--my Krystle use to line up her stuffed animals in an exact line across the room, then sit down in the line too! She was about two--and so far none of the other kids have done that!!

My3sons: Thank you for reminding me to lay out the expectations before a project--she sooo needs that, but I just sooo forget it sometimes and I love the advice about humor--things can get a little serious because she gets all persnickety and I get irritated--I will definitely try the stomping of my foot and boo-hooing!

inhistiming: Thank you for sharing your story, it was encouraging to hear about progress being made and also I needed the reminder to talk to her about the fact that nobody can achieve perfection because Jesus is the only perfect one.

Again, thanks ladies for all your kind words and your time! On another note I would like to ask for a little prayer--I am in need of stamina and joy to complete the tasks before me this week and weekend. We are in the process of finishing a couple of bedroom and bathroom in our basement and the contractors are coming on Monday to trim everything out which means I need to have things painted, floor laid, stuff stained, etc. PLUS I have out of town company coming on Tuesday to stay through Christmas! I have no idea if I will be sane when this is over, but I am lacking joy--pray that I find my joy in His Strength!!

Thanks and May Christ pour his blessing on you today,

Jess

[Carrie]

Praying for stamina for you Jess! I always put on Christian music to uplift me when I'm working hard and need a pick me up. Maybe that will help you find your joy in your very overwhelming-sounding tasks!! Also, if you can draft your company into helping put easy meals on the table and helping entertain the kiddos (by playing board games, cards, reading to them, etc.) that may free you up to do the needed tasks at hand. Only you can know your company, but my relatives/company love to help with meals and clean up as it is something they CAN do.

Blessings,
Carrie

[my3sons]

Jess - I will be praying for you during this busy time. But, if you don't get the bedrooms and the bathroom done, don't worry. It may just not get done, and if it doesn't that's alright. I need to give myself permission to let things go like this - my dh was going to have our fireplace in by last Christmas before we had many houseguests coming. He has it all done now except the tile, and the mopboard is not finished in that room either. So, we have a fireplace we can turn on that has wires sticking out of it. It won't be done before this Christmas's guests arrive. Sometimes life is just busy like that - so if you are overwhelmed, and it's looking like mission impossible, just stop and try to enjoy the guests and your dc as much as you can. The task will always be there later anyway, and you deserve some relaxation and joy this season too.

In Christ,
Julie

[mamaloves4]

Carrie and Julie,

Thank you for the encouragement and reminder! yesterday I enlisted my dc to crumple paper for me to glue to the basement walls and we had KNWC playing Christmas music and we would stop and sing and the little one would dance--it was nice to have joy in the midst of the busy day---I feel less overwhelmed--I readjusted my expectations--let some things go and plan on enjoying my Christmas break---I could so feel the prayers yesterday! Thanks for thinking of me and praying for me, it is so special how the Lord takes prayers of people who don't really 'know' each other and He answers! I love our amazing Father!!! Thank-you for letting him use you!

Jess

[my3sons]

That's great, Jess! God is good, isn't He?!? Praise our Father in heaven! We have KNWC on ALL the time here as well. What an uplifting way to be reminded of God's goodness!

In Christ,
Julie