Reluctant Learner - Help needed

[jensmom]

Hi ladies,

I am a first year home schooler and also fairly new to HOD. I say fairly because we are on Unit 15 so I don't really feel like a newbie anymore. I have a situation that I am certain you can all lend some advice to.

My dd (6) is, for lack of a better term, a reluctant learner. I have noticed since I started working with her that she will shut down quickly if something is "too hard" or what she deems to be too hard. I started with her immediately after she completed kindergarten at a church based preschool in May. I did Singapore K math and some phonics lessons to bridge the summer before we started Beyond in August for 1st grade. As soon as I completed the K programs i gave her the CAT test for end of kindergarten and she tested average in 2 and above average in the rest of the categories. However, she will constantly tell me "I can't do that." It frequently escalates to the point of tantrums and crying and "wailing and gnashing of teeth". When she finally calms down she will immediately get the answer or read the word with just a "oh yeah, that's ...".

I saw her K teacher today and mentioned this to her and that I think homeschooling was the best thing for her since she would have shut down and been left behind in a larger classroom setting. Her teacher commented that she fully agreed and had I not mentioned early on that we were going to home school she would have recommended repeating kindergarten due to her unwillingness to try - even though the teacher knew that she could do the work. Hmmm.....interesting that she never mentioned this to me during the 3 sit down progress reports.... but at least she validates my take on the situation.

Now for the advice part...does anyone have any advice about how I can get my dd interesting in learning and stop the tantrums. I have threatened to enroll her in public school which brings shrieks and tears. But her response is that she just doesn't want to go to any school. Okay, not an option...

Please advise, oh wise HOD moms...

Judy

[anointedhsmom]

Hi Judy,

My gut reaction is to tell you to go back to Little Hearts for His Glory even if she is capable of doing Beyond level work. I say that because 6 is still very young. In our home we don't do K until 6 years old but that is just us. Even though her mind might be able to handle Beyond work her maturity may not be there yet. That may very well not be the answer and I know you will get some more advice from those more seasoned in homeschooling and HOD than me but I did want to let you know what hit me when I read your post. Another option you could do is slow down Beyond to do over 2 years. You would do one side of the manual 1 day and do the other side of the manual the next day.

These are just my initial thoughts. I pray that God give you peace about what to do. He is faithful and will do just that if we seek Him in our confusion.

Praying for you!

[water2wine]

I am thinking the same thing as Paige or perhaps move slower through Beyond. If she is first grade level Beyond would be a bit much even for a smarty pants. It's a different type of learning and a lot of it is more age and maturity related rather than intelligence related. Either LHFHG or Beyond would be appropriate for an intelligent child adjusting math and phonics/reading. But it is a developmental issue that separates the two programs to me. So I am thinking slow her down on Beyond doing half a day or perhaps LHFHG and emerging readers if she is ready for them. Most important thing at this age is you do not want to have them in a level that frustrates them no matter how smart they are, it sets a tone for the years to come.

That would also be my gut on it. I am curious to see what others will say. Hang in there you will get it so it goes smooth. One thing that comes to mind is to really break down the things that are of challenge to her so that she is not overwhelmed. Most important is to develop a love of learning right now rather than getting through stuff. There is almost nothing you can do wrong at this point with a six year old except stress them out or perhaps give them the idea that they run the entire show. Even if you did not have them in school they could catch up by probably ten. So how it flows for them is more important than being on track at this point. From what you are saying it sounds like she might need a little adjustment in pace or level. Or perhaps it is just a phase but if you feel it has been consistent I would consider making some kind of adjustment.

Hope that helps but if not I know someone here will have the perfect answer for you.

Oh wanted to add because it just came to mind that I held starting with my now six year old who is very bright (she can even multiply and divide intuitively) because she was very reluctant. Now at six doing LHFHG I can barely turn her off. She would do school 24/7 if I would. I have to have a rule no more than two Singapore lessons a day and no more than five pages in The Reading Lesson. And when we are done she will invent more school to do. So timing is everything.

[mansmom]

Judy

My oldest daughter is JUST like this and I will tell you what I've learned...and it has been a learning process for me...not so much her!!!

I'm a sit down and get it done kind of gal...who is great at checking off boxes in order!! (One reason I like HOD bc the boxes spread out over two pages some how calms my desire for checking -- but I digress). My daughter also needs structure...not that this goes along with the tantrums you are talking about...but sometimes I know that Mary will be more prone to such outbursts when something isn't what she expected it to be...I have learned to look ahead and "anticipate" what she might view as hard...then the night before when we are going to bed...I mention it..."tomorrow we are going to start borrowing in math...I can't wait to see what that's like...I think it will be fun!..I bet you will be awesome at it!"...this starts her little brain rolling...first she knows that something new will be tomorrow and I have already set the stage of telling her that I KNOW she will be able to do it...this is now in her mind BEFORE she starts to panic and loose control...it seems to help...she needs to know ahead of time that something is new.

Also, when we get to that new thing...she knows she is not aloud to get upset and yell and scream and cry (okay this is 3 years in the works...so I'm no miracle worker...but we are doing better!) If she starts that, she needs to leave wherever we are and go sit on her bed and calm down and come back to me when she is ready to go at it again. She knows she can no longer engage me into her chaos. She cannot "rule" how we do school, but I also must understand that to her it IS a big deal and we must go at it slowly together...again this is THREE years in the making...I didn't start out here...I started out yelling back that she was smart and could do it and if she didn't want to, to be ready for the bus tomorrow!! LOL...not exactly how I wanted to handle it, once I calmed down...

When she starts to get upset...I go into this (almost annoying) calm voice and do not get upset at any level...bc that just escalates her...I remain crazy calm and know that I am in control, that I have set her up for success. I have also learned that I can't push her super fast along...my oldest daughter is bright, and quick and charming, but she can't move at a rapid speed...more a slow and steady pace...so I would second moving her back to Beyond or Little....but that's just my opinion and you know your family.

So here's maybe what I'm saying...you can't so much "change" your daughter...but I have learned to give Mary tools to deal with her "angst"....sometimes she will now say to me..."just a minute mom, I have to go calm down"...she can reset herself and get in the right frame of mind...I just took a step back, figured out what were her triggers and looked out for those before we were crossing that road and in the midst of complete chaos...

That's just my two cents...but I will say it has been quite a journey...that it has taken much prayer!!! As I look back now...I know we are in a better place and we are really enjoying school....thanks in part...to HOD!!!

Hope this helps a little,

And you're right....this part of her personallity is EXACTLY why you are her best teacher...know that you are doing a great job and you will work it out together...now my husband has to remind me of this after a particularly hard day....but it is worth it...and I will be praying for you!

[jensmom]

Thank you for your replies. I think the main thing that threw me for a loop is that her K teacher could have told me this in May and I would have been better prepared...

I took it very gently today. We started with a talk about how much I love her and that it is okay to fail and that I am here to help her and to teach her. I also asked if any of the kids in her K class had made fun of her and one had told her that she wrote like she was scratching. I think she is a bit fragile where learning is concerned. I hope to be able to boost her confidence by taking it a bit slower and heading off any "new" concepts before she melts down. I also gave her a recess after one hour and told her that we could continue that unless it became a problem or made the day too long. She LOVED the idea of recess. Funny, she had never really asked for a break before - not that I was a slave driver before - but she was very excited about some time "to herself".

I hope this is the beginning of a much smoother ride going forward. Of course, now we are taking off the rest of the week to visit family. We will do some reading and fun, workbook activities to make the car ride go faster. But she will do those at her pace. And she loves when I read to her when we are riding in the car....I will not read and drive. I will only read when dh is driving. Promise!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Judy

[Carrie]

Judy,

You have received such wise counsel from the moms on the board. I would definitely do the things they have recommended. Giving your daughter a recess break was a wonderful thing to do too. I would keep that up daily.

It does sound like your little sweetie probably would fit well in LHFHG due to her age and because this is her first year of homeschooling. It's always better to be on the easy side then to be on the too difficult side. If she's struggling with the learning in the Beyond guide, then I have some concerns for her as she comes into Bigger Hearts the next year. Even though you are in week 15 of Beyond, you could easily start in LHFHG at the beginning. Then, when you come back to Beyond, after finishing LHFHG, you really could just pick back up at week 15 in Beyond, instead of starting over. You would be just fine doing that, as the stories in LHFHG end with American history and Beyond is also in American. You'd also find her well-prepared for the skills in Beyond, after going through LHFHG.

If, however, you don't want to back up to LHFHG, then I'd suggest slowing Beyond down by doing the left side of the plans one day and the right side the next. In essence, you'll be giving your little sweetie a chance to grow into the needed maturity and skills required for Bigger by helping her feel successful in Beyond.

I'd love to know what you're thinking if you get a chance to pop back in and update us.

Blessings,
Carrie

[jensmom]

Thank you all for your advice. At this point I am things slower and giving her more choices, i.e. "would you like to do reading or language arts first? math or storytime?". She is responding very well. I also give her a recess every hour or so depending on her mood. She still tries to avoid "performing" when we ask her to spell a word or tell us something that we know that she knows. Though she has always been one to avoid performing. She would never say things when we asked her to in front of others or just alone. I am trying to be more mindful and aware of her distinct personality and we are doing much, much better. I still really wish that her K teacher would have given me her assessment of her instead of just avoiding it "since we were going to homeschool and it would be okay." Sheesh! It seems I can never catch an easy break - I always have to learn the hard way. LOL!

Funniest thing in the past 24 hrs is that her dentist had to pull her front tooth since the new one was coming in behind it. She is having such a grand time with her new Gap-toothed grin!

Judy

[Carrie]

Thanks for the update! I am SO glad it is going better. I agree that it would be great to have a heads-up on our kiddos personalities, but you're right at home with me, as I've had to learn each of my children's special traits as we go too!

Choices and recess breaks are very motivating to all types of learners, so you're on the right track.

How cute it is when the kiddos have those toothless grins! Priceless!

Blessings,
Carrie

[jensmom]

I am fairly certain that I will stick it our with Beyond for this year. We have slowed down and it is working well. She is fully capable of doing the work but has some maturity issues with her confidence. I already planned to use it again for 2nd grade since it offers the option for Spelling and Math. Since we are still doing RME we will be able to continue on with Emerging Readers for the 2nd grade as well. Overall, I think using Beyond for a second year will be fairly easy and beneficial. I just need to add some more to History for 2nd grade. She already begs for more with history so I will have to add more books to make the history work for a second time through. We will wait for 3rd grade to begin Bigger.

She is really settling into homeschooling and does not want to go to ps for now. Even with all of the challenges, I absolutely LOVE being there when she learns something. And of course I love my schedule and the flexibility.

Judy

[Carrie]

Judy,

I'm so glad to hear that your daughter is settling into school a bit better and enjoying her time at home. Thanks for taking the time to update us on your progress and to give us a peek into your thinking!

I think that slowing down Beyond to half-speed is a great idea. I did want to mention, though, that we don't advise a second trip through the same guide with the same student two years in a row (just because it's hard for both mom and the student to be enthusiastic when going through the same topics/activities/ etc. 2 years in a row). Now if you're still finishing your first trip through the guide and just spreading it out over 2 years, then that is entirely different (and does work very well). We've done it ourselves!

Since you're doing Beyond at half-speed, you can easily add additional history reading to what is scheduled in Beyond, but if you end up adding additional reading AND activities AND other things, then you may find that your daughter eventually is ready to handle the pace of Beyond at full-speed (and you may just be making more work for yourself by coming up with your own things at that point rather than just teaching the guide as is). Just something to be on the lookout for as your daughter matures and grows more confident in her skills.

One other thought is that once you finish Beyond at half-speed, you can easily go into Bigger at half-speed too. That would be easier than coming up with your own program and would also keep some consistency with what you're doing as your daughter grows. The skills in Beyond, do a great job of preparing a child for Bigger, and at half-speed your daughter would still have a short school day while covering needed skills. Just some food for thought.

After moving into Bigger, you could still use the spelling and math from Beyond if needed, since you already own the guide. Math 2A/2B and the spelling list 2 and first round of dictation are also included in Bigger, so you may just be able to teach those both right out of the Bigger guide at that point.

Blessings,
Carrie