heartofdakota.com

I apologize in advance if this gets long and rambly. DH and I moved about 1 year ago so he could take a better job here. We had previously lived in Chattanooga for over 8 years. When we first moved, we were both excited about it. Now it's been a year and I hate it here. I am so lonely and homesick. We have been attending a church here since last November and actually joined a few months ago. We've gotten involved on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, and Wednesday nights, but still we haven't made any friends. We are in a small town and everyone grew up together. Even though they are friendly to us when we are there, no one wants to get together outside of church. We know they get together with each other because they talk about it right in front of us. One big problem is that there are no SAHM's in our church (that I've met). In Chattanooga, almost all my friends with kids stayed at home. Here, I have not met a single SAHM at our church. When people find out I stay home with Samuel they look at me like I'm crazy. I've gotten all the questions and comments - what do you do all day, don't you get bored, don't you want to work, I could never be stuck with my kids all day, etc. I haven't even mentioned homeschooling yet -- they'd probably really think I was insane It's not so bad for DH because he works and is around people everyday. But for me, as a SAHM, it is very lonely. Growing up, my family moved alot and I feel the same way I did then. I was always the new kid on the outside looking in. Trying to break into groups of friends who had been together since kindergarten. I have joined a MOPS group and everyone seems friendly but we've only had one meeting so no good friends yet. Would you please pray for me to make some friendships here? I would really love to have just one good mommy friend that Samuel and I can get together with for playdates, lunch, or an occasional girls night out. If her hubby and DH could be friends that would be even better.

That is hard. I'll be praying.

I know that you said that you recently joined the church....but I was wondering if there are other churches in the area that you could check out? Maybe there are some SAHM's around and you just don't know it yet? Where are the moms in the MOP's group attending church? Maybe you could check out one of those? (sorry for all the ?'s...just throwing thoughts out there)

I can totally relate to the church ladies being friendly with you, but not friends. Holyhart had some good ideas. At your church, are you helping with Samual's class or going to your own? I found at my church I didn't really fit in with my "young adults" class for couples and much prefer working with the children's ministry. That usually opens doors with other moms. Maybe you can even ask a couple (or more) over to your house for games or whatever. Most of my friends from church are older than me who aren't freaked out by the fact that I have 5 boys (willingly!) and who don't compare what their kids are doing versus mine. I'm not sure how old your son is but do you have a homeschool coop you can join? Also, if you can, sew, garden, etc. maybe there is a home extension office nearby you can join and meet new people that way. Also, if there is a library or public playground nearby you can attend, maybe you can make friends there. If these don't work maybe you and Samual can adopt somebody at a nursing home. I've made some great friends that way We don't do lunch but we do enjoy each other's company. Hope these help! I'll be praying for you.

Stephanie,

I will be praying for you! This is something my dh and I are struggling with as well. We did move to a new church and I think that was key for us. I also just volunteered in a mentoring group for 7 moths with another woman. It's kind of funny because I thought I was signing up to do something that was out reach but found out it was within the church so I am meeting some new women within the church sort of by accident. But ministry is a great opportunity to meet people because when you have purpose and work together you get to know each other.

Anyway I just wanted to encourage you and let you know that I will be praying for you. And for God to bring you that perfect friend to be able to have time with and grow with in Him.

I can understand how you feel! We have moved 3 times in the last three years. It is very difficult to feel settled and make 'real' friends when you don't stay in one place very long. I'm one who is very friendly once I get to know someone, but I have a hard time putting myself out there, if you know what I mean.

What state are you in now? We moved from Florida to NY...a huge shock in all ways. We like it here a lot...the seasons...but it is so far from family. The first year we did not go to co-op or do much at all with the homeschool group we joined...so we did not meet people. My kids did things, so they met some kids right away...but were still lonely for their Fl pals for a while. My husband had people at work that he became friends with...it wasn't until spring that I actually began meeting a few people. And now that we know we are staying a while, I am ready to get more involved. We are participating in co-op this year, and we've already gone on one field trip. Our church is a good church, but we haven't really gotten involved or met many people there either. They don't have childcare for a lot of their activities, and we definitely need that to take part. So, we are looking for a new place to worship...I think that is a HUGE part of making a place feel like home.

One thing that really began to make me feel good was something that happened on the boards here. Our homeschool group is often sending out emails...many from the leaders. So, I became familiar with many of the names. While on the boards one day, I saw the name of one of the leaders attached to a post here. I'm not sure why, but I felt prompted to email her to find out if it was the same person...and it was! I was so excited to find out that someone local was using the same curriculum as me AND she actually was in my homeschool group. We arranged to meet in person...and now I have formed a new friendship. We've met once or twice to let the kids play, she kept my kids while my hubby had shoulder surgery, and she attended the field trip we went on today. And she called me today to chat...about HOD and homeschooling/life in general.

I guess I'm just trying to be encouraging and let you know you're not alone. It is so hard when you come into a new place and everyone already knows one another. But, God will lead you to those He has for you to be friends with. It may take time. I used the time when we first moved here to become content staying home with my kids...not on the road every day to this activity or that field trip...which is what we did before, when we had friends all over the county in FL where we lived. It was a great thing...but we did need to learn to be content with ourselves, and not to depend on others to be happy. I'm not saying at all that that is what you're doing...that's just how it was helpful for us to be separate from friends for a time. There may be others near you who are struggling as well...there could even be someone here on the boards who is searching for a close friend too. You never know what God has in store for you. Just keep believing in His plan...and try to find peace in the fact that He will bring it to pass. In the meantime, you can come to us here when you need prayer, or advice, etc. We love to help...it's like our own little HOD family! I'm so glad you shared with us, and I will be praying for you and your family. I'm sure others will come along with more advice soon.

Thank you everyone for the prayers and ideas. At church, the only adult activity we are involved in is Sunday School. We volunteer in Samuel's nursery class once a month. On Sunday and Wednesday nights, DH and I both help with the youth. We have both always loved youth work and feel that is where we fit best. Our church also has soccer and DH is coaching Samuel's team so we have started to meet a few people through that. However, the soccer is an outreach program and none of the families go to our church.

I know that you said that you recently joined the church....but I was wondering if there are other churches in the area that you could check out? Maybe there are some SAHM's around and you just don't know it yet? Where are the moms in the MOP's group attending church? Maybe you could check out one of those?

DH and I both really love the church we are going to and the pastor. We visited several other churches but both feel that is where we belong at least for right now. The MOPS group I belong to meets at another church and most of the moms go there. It is a different denomination than ours and not one DH would consider attending full time.

I found at my church I didn't really fit in with my "young adults" class for couples and much prefer working with the children's ministry. That usually opens doors with other moms. I'm not sure how old your son is but do you have a homeschool coop you can join? Also, if you can, sew, garden, etc. maybe there is a home extension office nearby you can join and meet new people that way. Also, if there is a library or public playground nearby you can attend, maybe you can make friends there. If these don't work maybe you and Samual can adopt somebody at a nursing home. I've made some great friends that way We don't do lunch but we do enjoy each other's company. Hope these help! I'll be praying for you.

DH and I don't really fit in any of the couples classes either which is why we work with the youth. Part of it is that we have been married for over 10 years, but due to infertility issues we adopted our son and he is only 3. Most of the couples with kids Samuel's age are a lot younger than us. The couples that our close to our age have kids in middle school and high school and are just at different places in their lives and don't seem to have as much "friend time" because they are more involved in kid activities. I have found a homeschool coop in our area but we haven't had a chance to do anything with them yet. I am hoping that we will make some friends there!

What state are you in now?

We are in Tennessee

I used the time when we first moved here to become content staying home with my kids...not on the road every day to this activity or that field trip...which is what we did before, when we had friends all over the county in FL where we lived. It was a great thing...but we did need to learn to be content with ourselves, and not to depend on others to be happy.

I've been thinking that this may be what God is trying to teach me through this. Before moving, we had friends and family all living nearby and we were out nearly every day. I know that not long before we moved I attended a women's conference and one of the things that was emphasized was how women are called to care for the home and how we set the tone for the entire family. One of the speaker used an example about how many stay at home moms, don't really stay at home we are constantly on the go and in order to make our home a priority and a place our family wants to be, we have to actually be a stayer at home. It really convicted me about my priorities and I think God is just giving me the chance to really put that into practice before giving me distractions.

Sorry for being so long! I was trying to answer everyone's questions. I really do appreciate all the encouragement and prayers! I know God will provide who/what we need when he is ready. In the meantime DH and I are trying to enjoy each other's company and it has strengthened our relationship, but sometimes I miss having some good "girl talk"

I understand what you are feeling. It is so hard not to feel completely alone. But you know I feel like God spoke to my heart about this issue not that long ago. In this day and age, I have a lot of acquaintances and some mild friendships (you know the kind: where you get along famously with each other but never really seek each other out in confidence or for advice) and then there are true heart friends. I can only count on one hand the number of true heart friends I have had in my life. I will pray for a true heart friend for you for they will be there for every occasion in your life; to laugh with you, to cry with you, to give you a kick in the pants when you need it, to listen to sound advice, etc.

I hope your loneliness will end shortly and that you will receive the blessings of real friendship where you are. God did not intend for us to be lonely. He is already working out the details and you are going to be amazed!

I can relate to the age thing.... I am probably A LOT older than you I will be 47 the end of Sept and our youngest is 5. MOST of the moms with kids my Wes' age are lots younger.

Can you find out if there is a local support group? You might meet friends that way and Samuel could too. Mainly you though. I am have been active in our group for the past 18 yrs. I have made lifelong friends..... I am praying that for you too.

My husband used to say, "You are the busiest stay-at-home mom I know!" It took me quite a while to realize it wasn't necessarily a compliment!

I believe he felt good that he could afford me that 'luxury', but truly wanted me to be home more, taking care of our home. I had to learn to stay home more, to say no to activities, even if they were good, if I knew they would interfere too much with my responsibilities. Now, I am doing a few things, but if it gets to where we are doing too much I definitely know it and look forward to the days we are home again. It takes a while, but the change will come with time if you work at it...as will the true heart friends...I like that term.

We have also struggled with 'age'. We have always been the babies in the group anytime we take a couples class...or anything else either. Our friends have been about 10 years older than us, up until about the last 2 years. We started having kids at 23, and I guess others waited longer than us. Ages of our friends hasn't mattered that much...we've had some good mentors...it was the ages of kids that left us out. We didn't get together with people our age because often, those that don't have kids don't really have the same lifestyle; even in Christian circles. And we didn't get together too much with the older couples that had older kids because their kids were not that interested in playing with our little ones. Finally, we are meeting people who have children the same age range as us AND their parents are close to our age too. We even have a couple we are friends with that doesn't have children yet, and they still want to hang out with us! My husband said, when we found out we are having a new baby, "Maybe now we'll have friends our own age with kids the same age as ours." It turns out that we met our neighbors (at our house we're moving into in Oct.) and they have 2 children...the boy is in 6th grade (ours is 5th) and the girl is 3rd grade (ours is 3rd too) so we're very excited. It does take time, but God is faithful, He knows the desires of your heart....it's hard to wait, but he will make it happen in His timing!

Stephanie,

I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely. I totally understand how you feel, too. As soon as my husband and I married, we moved to rural Kansas where he farms with his dad. I was pregnant a month later, in the middle of nowhere, and no real way to meet anyone. At that time, there was only 1 other couple close to our age - 6 years older - and she wasn't a SAHM either. (Honestly the high schoolers were closest in age...but we were married, on our own, and had a baby! ) My in-laws are wonderful, but my mother-in-law at that time still had 2 kids she was homeschooling who were soon to be teenagers, so she was VERY busy with schooling them, teaching violin lessons, helping with chores... (The youngest actually just left for college this fall...9 years later, and I can already see a big change in our relationship. )

I prayed and prayed for a close, godly friend for years. While I didn't get a real-life friend in the timing I was thinking, I did learn to lean solely on God, and treasure the time spent with Him. Just in the last 3 years, God has really blessed me with some good friends. (This will be my 10th year living here...) He has actually surprised me in how He's done it, too! One of my good friends has had a huge spiritual growth spurt in the last few years through adopting 6 kids (4 of them babies ) in 3 years. She was rejected by her close friends who didn't think it was good for her older 2 kids to adopt more. Their families had 2 kids a piece and didn't want to hang out with a family who now has 7 kids! She moved from being really hurt by that to being very thankful for the different friends God brings into our lives during different seasons of our lives. All of my other good friends come from our county's homeschool group - not my church. There are some wonderful moms there who share the desire to be with their kids! (Our church now has many young families - but only 3 SAHM's including me. I have the same issue there as the majority of the other moms prefer to do things with those they have more in common with.)

Hang in there! God knows what you need, and will provide it in His time.
Psalm 34:10
"...But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing."
If you're seeking HIM, you're not missing out on anything good!!

Kathleen