heartofdakota.com

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LovingJesus, thank you for your post! You are not the only one going through this. I can so relate! I have a close friend that struggles with this as well and we often pray for each other as it is so easy to let the world creep in. There are so many good things, but what is best?
I have four children - 16, 14, almost 9, and 6. The older two were raised a little differently from the younger two. And some of it is based on just having more kids. I find the Internet is a huge temptation (for all of us). When my older two were younger, there were no hand-held devices, texting, etc. to put an urgency on everything.
We have never put a huge emphasis on socialization. I believe that most people follow a false definition of socialization. Children do not learn how to socialize from other children; they learn from their parents and being around others of varying ages as their parents guide them. We have said no to many things. But it's a constant process. It was easier to keep activities to a minimum when there were just two. Now that we are letting the olders do more things, there are the youngers to consider.
That being said, we all have to decide how much is enough based on what God would have us do. I see my oldest two are best buddies. The younger two are getting there, but do fight more than I would like. My husband and I have also gotten busier with activities and I'm cutting back on those myself this school year. I feel I need to say yes when people ask me, but I'm learning that when I say yes to something I'm saying no to something else, usually my family. Strong family bonds are so important and teach children about life.
My kids usually do one sport a year, and that sometimes depends on who wants to try what. The youngest two are taking swimming lessons now, which we feel is very important as we are around the water a lot. Even church activities can become overwhelming. I was a mentor in a MOPS group this past year and it was nice to help other moms but it became so stressful every time a meeting came up. I knew I needed to say no to this and focus solely on homeschooling. There is also a co-op that a lot of moms from our church belong to and I've been asked by a few people to join. "It's only two hours, every Friday and then mom meetings once a month...the kids love it." I'm sure the kids love it, and the moms enjoy fellowship. But I cannot commit to every week and then some. The driving around is such a drain in itself. All those commitments add up and when I have too many, I get very stressed and my family suffers. I like to enjoy my family, commit to them and the things I need to do for them, spend time learning together and getting to know each other, building those relationships like you said. I enjoy spending time with friends also, but we do it as a family and when it's convenient, not on a strict schedule. We are selective. I'm pulling back on a lot of activities this year, because I'm trying to get back some of that family relationship. I wonder a lot about what would God have me do, when I realize that He gave me four children because that is what he would have me do.
To try and answer some of your questions... ...yes, I see blessings in not doing a lot of activities! My oldest two have a strong sense of family, and making Godly decisions. Their neighborhood friends look up to them as leaders and because of my boys' relationship and influence, have accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior. When we let them do things, we are involved, one way or another. We are giving them responsibility and freedom a little at a time, as we feel led. I don't believe they have felt deprived. They love being homeschooled and enjoy being with their immediate and extended family. Growing up, my parents put a lot of emphasis on friends and even said friends are more important and I definitely reaped the negatives of that mind-set. (They are not Christians.)
Anyway, I got long-winded. I don't know if anything I said was helpful, but just know that others struggle with this as well.

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Last fall with did very little. We have church Sunday morning, Sunday evening and Wednesday evening. We also did Awana on Thursday night. With that, the only other thing we did were two one hour "labs" at a local museum. And all of those things we do as a "family." The labs encouraged parents to sit in and help out. I have always helped out in their Awana classes (last year it was primarily with my older son, but there have been years I have helped out equally in all three classes and years I have focused on the oldest or younger daughter).
They have friends from Awana that do a lot more! Some families we know are hardly ever home. And my kids are fine with it. They do ask to go places, but they don't care about being in a ton of activities. My older son actually would prefer to not do any activities other than church and maybe Awana. My oldest is now quite social, so she loves the social outlet of co-ops and classes. My younger daughter's desire depends on the activity.

This year we are going to try a co-op again, but it is only twice a month and in the afternoon. And everyone will go and come home together, which I think is very helpful for our schedule and family cohesiveness. I can't imagine us having each kid in different activities, going different directions! Sometimes I wish sports seemed realistic, as I loved playing sports growing up, but I am not willing to give up any more evenings and weekends!

This is always a good topic to revisit. I think in your post, you kind of indicate your own feelings of being overwhelmed and too busy, of feeling like you don't get enough time at home with your kids. I think those feelings, while they shouldn't always be the primary driver of your decisions, are definitely indicators to look at. What being "over-involved" looks like is different for every family, based on the makeup of the family and the needs of each member. I listened to a very good talk about this issue and she brought it down to priorities and gave some good guidelines of questions to ask yourself when making these decisions. She has 4 kids, all very close in age, and said that in their house each child was allowed to do music lessons and one other activity (or none). Even with that, the one activity chosen by the child was obviously subject to the parents' approval.

Some questions she felt were important to ask:
Does it sabotage life skill training? - are they so busy they don't learn to or join in on chores and basic skills that they will need
Does it sabotage weekend down time (or whenever you need down time) or worship?
Does it sabotage family dinners?
Does it sabotage bedtime? (especially if you have younger children)
Does it pull us apart or push us together? (she suggests sometimes you just all join in, even if that's not how other people do it)
Is it an activity my child can enjoy or benefit from into adulthood?
Can we afford it?
Is the activity appropriate for my child's age? (among other things, young children do not need to be committed to things that take a lot of time outside of the home)

I have a close friend who due to some health issues and pressures with her husband's job, dramatically pulled out of all ministry and outside activities last year. They called it a "huddle up" year - a time to focus on their family and the Lord rather than all of the activities they were doing. Their family was immensely blessed. I could tell with their children that they were more secure and joyful, even without all of these other things that were supposed to be so great (they have 5 kids ages 13 down to 2). But even seeing that that was such a good thing for them, I don't feel called at this point to pull my kids out of activities, I feel like the Lord wants us to be involved in ministry in our church, music, and this year we are venturing into sports with our homeschool association's team (as my oldest is now old enough to play JH sports). I did quit the homeschool co op this year to make some room for the sports activity. I am going to guard jealously my ONE DAY that there is nothing outside of the home, and family dinners and weekend downtime remain a priority. My daughter who is doing volleyball is required to finish most of her schoolwork, practice instruments, and chores before VB practice on the days she goes. But of course we will evaluate it again once we have a year of sports under our belt and see if it makes sense to continue with that or not.

You mention that Sunday School is something that draws your family apart. I assume this is because the children attend Sunday School while you are attending church. Even though this may be against the grain in your church, I would encourage you to pray about having them attend church with you. I have heard so much about the whole issue of children growing up and leaving the church once they are on their own, and the segregation of children from their parents in church is one of the big factors they point out. Children need to worship with their parents and they need to learn to engage in church that is not tailored specifically to them. We attend church service with our kids (above the age of 4) and then we all have Sunday School separately and I think both are very valuable. Just a thought, I'm not saying you have to do that.

Because we homeschool, our kids automatically have a lot more time with us and we are building into them. I am so thankful for this. And again, I think we always feel this tension - there are so many great opportunities out there and it's difficult to decide what is truly the right thing for your family. God gives wisdom and grace, He supplies all of our needs. I will be praying for wisdom for you (and myself) as we navigate this life. May God be glorified through us and our families.

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MelInKansas wrote: Some questions she felt were important to ask:
Does it sabotage life skill training? - are they so busy they don't learn to or join in on chores and basic skills that they will need
Does it sabotage weekend down time (or whenever you need down time) or worship?
Does it sabotage family dinners?
Does it sabotage bedtime? (especially if you have younger children)
Does it pull us apart or push us together? (she suggests sometimes you just all join in, even if that's not how other people do it)
Is it an activity my child can enjoy or benefit from into adulthood?
Can we afford it?
Is the activity appropriate for my child's age? (among other things, young children do not need to be committed to things that take a lot of time outside of the home)

I love your list. I think the number of activities families allow their kids to participate in will definitely vary significantly from one family to the next. Some parents feel overwhelmed by full schedules and some people thrive under pressure. I have done both in my life. Two years ago, we cut SO many things. Last year, we were crazy people!!!! I have found that in both seasons, some of things I struggled to get done weren't because we were busy but because I was being lazy (ie - dishes, laundry....cleaning in general LOL). Now that my kids have gotten a bit older, they are way more helpful and I let them decide what they want to commit to. If they commit to something, they need to see it through. They also need to not fall behind in school with outside commitments. That means that they need to work more efficiently they do and and they better not be complaining about school. In addition, we never plan the next thing until the first is finished. For example, my kids do like to play soccer, volleyball, and basketball. Each sport is $45 per kid. The place they play is 5 minutes away. Most games are early Saturday mornings. But....we will not sign up for volleyball until soccer is done. If it was a problem getting school done or church activities done because of soccer, we don't do volleyball. Make sense? I also have let my oldest participate in a play every year. She was not allowed to have a lead role while she was doing T&T in AWANA because she also completed all of the silvers and golds for AWANA. It would have been too much. To be honestly, I didn't really help her much with the silvers and golds because it was a lot and if she wanted to do them, she needed to really pursue it on her own. I was there for her, but she needed the inner drive. Same with my other two kids, they need the inner drive. And finally, last year we cut down to 1/2 days a co-op. It was a great plan for last year. I needed that extra time. It taught me a lot. I found that I actually really did like having co-op and that we would do full days again this year. Could I let it go? Sure. But it was either an all or nothing thing for us. Last year my kids taught me that they liked co-op too and that they would work as hard as they could the other 4 days a week so that they would be allowed to continue on with co-op.

I think having kids that help me out to complete house chores is absolutely necessary when I let them do outside activities. I also have found that when I give my kids choices about what they want to do and how it impacts them and the family has been enlightening. If they want to do abc, then they will need to do xyz. For example, if they want to play soccer, then they each have to make 1 dinner a week. It also means that since our traditional cleaning time is Saturday mornings - this conflicts with game times so cleaning gets bumped is Saturday afternoons. They normally don't complain. They know it, expect it and help. They have other chores they to - unloading the dishwasher every morning, sweeping floors when pets are shedding a ton, help put groceries away, clean up their stuff that they get out and they have to fold all of their own laudry to name a few. I try to formally and schedule these items as best I can - for example, laundry folding day is usually Mondays because my piano teacher comes to my house on Mondays. They fold their clothes while they wait for their turn. I have found that my kids thrive on schedule and my kids seem to do well when they are busy. This is NOT the case for everyone so I definitely don't recommend it necessarily. I would just pray about it and see where the Lord is leading you. We always put God first, then family, then other stuff. If these things get in the way of God and church, God and church comes first. If they get in the way of family (like a vacation), then it is family first (so we take the vacation ) Other than that, I have found we are fairly happy with the flow.

From what it sounds like, you may have been like me. When I heard the list of questions to ask, I thought to myself "well, we DO have those priorities, and our activities don't really sabotage the things that are really important." The concept of margin has been pretty important to me also. I can't remember who wrote the book... many many years ago entitled Margin. But along with realizing that life with kids is just going to be busy, whether you stay home or go places, it is good to think about not committing yourself to the degree that there is no margin. For me, margin is good to have because I want to be able to bless others in need. To be able to take a meal to someone, comfort a friend when they are suffering or in sorrow, take care of someone's kids when they have something urgent come up, etc. Our current schedule is really bordering on not allowing margin for those things. And margin for your own life to be crazy at times, and for down time. I'm pregnant again and when I'm pregnant I pull in my shell like a turtle. I want to stay at home and not go places, and I kind of need to lay down for 30-60 minutes every day or I just feel like I can't make it. It's a good reminder to me to slow down a little and focus on the things that are most important.

Anyway I bet you are doing better than you think you are doing. But I am finding so far that dropping the co op has actually been quite freeing and am thankful to have the extra morning at home at least. Afternoon activities drive me crazy, but at least we now have our 5th day of the week to help finish up on school work we didn't quite get done (for my 4 day a week kids, and to actually finish a unit in a week with my 5 day a week child).

Again may you find wisdom from the Lord that you are seeking, and may all the moms and dads who are trying to make decisions about involvement find where God wants them to be!