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Thoughts. She is 12. Too Long??

It depends. What does the box say? It seems to me like the written narrations were supposed to be 5 sentences or so. There are different skills going on in the different kind of narrations. Some of them want the students to be able to summarize well, to pick out the most important facts and be concise in explaining them. For the detailed narration, obviously she's doing great. She's got great recall and organization of what she's read/heard. You would just need to be sure she's not copying and that the flow of her sentences makes sense.

It says it is supposed to be "at least 3-5 sentences". However, I also want her to become a proficient writer...

I'm not sure the correct answer, it looks good to me. I would also make sure she isn't copying or looking back at the reading while she writes. The only thing that I saw to point out to her is the use of the word "now". There are a lot of them.

Which unit are you on? I just check my guide and I think the narrations are supposed to be 5-8 sentences in CTC. With R2R, the length increases to 8-12 sentences. With your daughter's age, I think the length is fine and can be encouraged. I think having a written narration up to 12 sentences can easily be expected. Just my thoughts.

I think it's unit 10

Yes, I just checked the guide and it is 5-8 sentences.

I did also look at your dd's writing and it is 18 sentences. I personally rarely go back and have my kids redo anything they wrote - especially of this nature - unless it is done complete wrong. For example, somewhere in the middle of CTC, they stop asking so many questions. My dd wrote 2 sentences that week . And yes, I made her fix that week. She was very frustrated but it she got it done and did wonderfully.

If it were me, I would try and have her limit her writing to 12 sentences. For some, I they may not. But as she gets older and goes to college, she will need to be able to follow directions and to pare her writing down for paper and assignments as some point. Now is a great time to learn how to do just that IMHO.

I am not great English so please forgive me if I am way off base. Honestly, I miss spell tons of stuff and am horrible at proof reading. But this is just my observation on a way to help your dd pare her work down. For me - as I read your dd's paper, it seems like it actually has 2 major themes. The first theme is Saul pursing David. The second theme is regarding David and his interaction with Nabal. Now, I will also say this - I did look at the questions in the guide as well. Your dd definitely followed the leading of the guide as she did answer each question making her narration about both Saul and Nabal. However, with your dd she answered each question with several sentences. So, I guess my final thoughts would be - if your dd is going to write more than one sentences in answering each question, then I would not have her answer each question. I would ask her which person she wants to write about. I would then encourage her to write 8-12 sentences about that topic using only some of the questions in the guide as a point of reference. However, if you would rather she answer each question in guide, then I would explain to her that she needs to complete each answer with one sentence. This will help to keep her narration to approximately 8 sentences each time. For the next unit, I would review the questions and see how you want to split them or just have her answer the questions with one sentence each.