heartofdakota.com

Hello HOD family!

We have had a rough go of it this week trying to start back up after Christmas break. It doesn't help that my morning sickness is so tiring.

The particular areas I am discouraged in are 1) scheduling and 2) my oldest ds's attitude

1) I have been rereading a great book on scheduling a homeschool lifestyle over Christmas break (school, chores, free time, hobbies, music practice, etc), and while it does motivate me to get on a more specific schedule, I am super discouraged by my inability in the past to ever stay on a given schedule. If you know anything about Meyers-Briggs personality tests, I am a "P" which means I am task-oriented, not time-oriented. It also means I am more spontaneous and less structured. When making schedules in the past, I get so excited about them, and they are so helpful for a week or so. I seem to lack the ability to stick to it for the long haul. What I am trying to decipher, is what is sin/character based, and what is personality based? It is super discouraging to attempt to reformulate a schedule for this new year that includes school, free time, hobbies, chores, etc, while knowing I will have a hard time sticking to it. In fact, some mornings I just want to cry from boredom thinking that my whole day is planned out to the half hour. I know, however, that a schedule is an amazing tool. When we follow one, life is so much smoother and things get done. We are also preparing to add another baby, God-willing, to our family, and without a schedule I will not be able to teach the children school and keep all of our chores on task. I am so discouraged by my personality being so hard-wired to be flexible and spontaneous and task-oriented that is makes managing my home difficult. Oh to be super organized and a consistent worker.

2) My son is 8. I have been bracing myself for the testosterone surge during his tweens that will make him more aggressive, argumentative, etc. He is normally my super obedient, rule-following, easy to parent child. But recently I have been seeing his argumentative, whiny side. It has caught me off guard. Yesterday was just horrible. After "discussing" many things with him during the day, I realized I was exhausted from his argumentative spirit. Math (which is usually our hard subject) was almost unbearable. I ended up breaking down his one page assignment into two chunks during the day and, by the grace of God, was able to stay patient with him during it all, but he was so out of sorts. I don't have a problem using my authority to discipline him, but I'm trying to not lose his heart by being "bigger" and "meaner" if that makes sense. I would like to use more grace in discipline, but sometimes the grace route is so inefficient. (HA!) Anyways, my hubby could see last night that we needed to crack down on his attitude, but knowing just how to do that is tricky. ("Fathers, don't exasperate your children.")

Anyways, I need to reread one of the millions of parenting books I own, probably. I don't feel like quitting homeschooling, but this week has been so tiring. Any advice for these low times? If I was better at my schedule, my quiet time would automatically happen everyday! I have been stealing time here and there to read my bible, but I am sure I need a more consistent feeding. Another reason my lack of stick-to-the-schedule personality is frustrating.

Thank you,
Sara

I can't give you any wise advice, because I have exactly the same personality! I was never structured with my older three when homeschooling. I know much of it had to do with how I grew up. Not that I think my parents did a bad job raising us, but we were not designated certain things to do on a regular basis. There were 8 of us, but we went to public school (two of us finished in Christian school), so my mother was able to take care of the house while we were in school. My mom would have been crazy if she would have homeschooled and had the house to take care of at the same time. We were taught to be God-fearing people, but we didn't have to follow a schedule during our at-home time.

Anyway, I am a more spontaneous person as well. That can be positive and negative, so we have to make sure we are extra wise when we make decisions. I know I've made some unwise choices because I'm more impulsive. It helps having a husband who is more steady. He's been very patient with me. As far as keeping a schedule, I have tried and it just doesn't work. I guess our Creator knew I could handle operating this way, because he gave us a child with spina bifida, among other birth defects, who has needed much medical care over the years. She is 25 and still needs my assistance, because we have had to travel 3 hours for doctors appts., surgeries and hospital stays, which she is still not comfortable driving. She has had hospital stays that lasted months and has in the last year had many appts. because she is anticipating a major surgery in the next few months. So, even though she is an adult, I am not totally free to just concentrate on homeschooling my 11 yo adopted dd, who has struggled so much in her school work. So, I have given up trying to keep a timed schedule. But, there needs to be some order to our days. It been going better, but I still have much room for improvement.

We are not all cut from the same cloth, so don't feel guilty about not being able to keep a schedule. Maybe you could just try a 'routine'. That is kind of how I am working. Not the same every day, but if I know what needs to be done on a certain day, I try to concentrate on those things. I don't know if I will ever be consistent even with a routine, but the Lord has been gracious. The only advice I know to give is to try to find a routine, not in time increments, but a list of what you want to accomplish, important things first. The one thing I have been trying to keep consistent is how we do schoolwork. The other things will then fall around that. We do get interrupted sometimes, but I just deal with it. At 52, it's hard to change. Sometimes things you want to get done won't get done, but don't let what is not done spoil your day. I have a daughter who needs structure, and I have felt guilty so many times because I haven't given that to her. Then someone will give me a compliment that we are doing a good job with her. You don't know how that lifts my spirits. As far as time with the Lord, I am doing better with having that time in the morning before my dd gets up. We do need to make sure we have that time, but I remember how hard it was with more than one child to take care of. I only have one to homeschool now, so that makes it easier. My daughter-in-law has been my inspiration in that area. But, she is one of those very structured people. Even when things get 'out of order' God still blesses our efforts.

Not much help here, but will pray for you and I hope I encouraged you in some way.

Prayers for you and your pregnancy, school, spirit, encouragement!

I also am not hardwired as a "schedule" person, and I do not stick to a schedule for long or very well at all. I change things up, and sometimes I think this is a benefit to how I manage my home. First of all, I don't get stressed out when the schedule is derailed. I roll with it, and I look at what we have and make decisions about what to do next, how to get it done. What to drop sometimes and when we will end up fitting that in. I know many other parents who struggle with this.

And as you say, times when you are tired, sick, worn-down it is really difficult to pull everything together. Those are times for grace and lowered expectations. Celebrate what you are able to accomplish. Let your kids enjoy time with crafts, play doh, or something. Minimize the time you need to spend cooking and cleaning if possible. Get some rest. Most importantly give yourself grace!

Do you ever implement routine rather than schedule? This is what works for me. I create the schedule with 10-20 minute blocks and what everyone is supposed to be doing with those times. I really only schedule the morning or school time and a lot of the afternoon is free time, rest, dinner prep etc. That also helps me. But when I am implementing I do not watch the clock, rather I just try to get everything done in the right order. My kids can read the schedule and they do this too - though my oldest will often look at the clock and likes to compare with it to see if we are early or late. After a couple of weeks of the routine I don't even need to look at it, and usually we can breeze right through it. Maybe this still seems oppressive to you, but it works pretty well for me. And Charlotte Mason has a lot in her writings that I have read about how children respond well to a routine, that the routine helps discipline them and you fight about doing necessary things so much less. I really see this as true with my kids. They whine about school and I have had discussions on and off with my kids when it comes to doing subjects they don't like, but it is not optional, it is alway at this time, let's just get it done so we can move on to something you like more. I do schedule difficult subjects earlier in the day when we are fresher and when there is the carrot of being able to do our craft or science experiment or read-alouds afterwards.

I have organized our books and our space, but I am not nearly as organized as many are with things like chores either. There is a scheduled or usual chore time - right after lunch - but as to what chores each day and who does what that is very unstructured in my home. It's kind of a team thing. I am usually the one who makes the decision about what will be tackled and then each person (who's able to work on their own at tasks - the older ones) get tasks and are assigned to complete them.

I totally hear you on discipline. We are working on that too. It is really a fine balance to walk, especially getting to 8 and up, with enforcing discipline - yes the child is supposed to obey you and that is an important lesson - and understanding and ministering to their heart. With my 9YO we have lots of conversations and our discipline style and structure has been changed and turned around. I expect obedience and I let her know that, but we often just talk about WHY is she angry about something, why is she lashing out, why doesn't she want to, and I try to address those things with scripture, prayer, letting her know that I love her but these are right and good ways to act and others are not. Another thing another homeschool mom with older kids recommended to me to do was to try to praise virtue whenever I see it. Talk so much about when you see people doing virtuous things around you, whether people in your family or not. If you see your child doing something good, praise it, and talk about how that was kind, that was thoughtful, good job on doing what you were told even though you wanted to play, or whatever. Good job on getting through your math lesson. Or even if you've had a bad math lesson, talk about "well today was tough wasn't it? I think that was because in your heart you didn't want to obey and you weren't doing your best. [let the child respond or ask if that's true] Tomorrow let's try to obey and do what you're told and do your best, I bet it will be a lot better." Pray over these things. So many times as I address things with my oldest I can clearly see that it is in her heart. She KNOWS what is right and there is some part of her that wants to do it, but in her heart she just wants her own way. Only the Holy Spirit can change a heart. No amount of discipline or talking will do it. So pray!

I have been so humbled too because the Lord has brought out my own sin and also convicted me of not being humble to confess it to my children. I am so angry and I speak to them in anger or discipline in anger. As I have confessed and prayed and searched God's word He has truly begun transforming my heart - I still have a long way to go but I am learning. It helps me in dealing with my daughter's issues to remember that I have so many of my own and so often I am selfish and stubborn and difficult too. May we all breathe grace and love to one another in our family relationships!

But I go back to the beginning advice. Give yourself grace and ask the Lord for strength and wisdom to decide what is truly important in this time. The little one inside of you needs you to have rest and peace also. Pray for God's wisdom in how to make that happen.

queenireneof3 wrote: 2) My son is 8. I have been bracing myself for the testosterone surge during his tweens that will make him more aggressive, argumentative, etc. He is normally my super obedient, rule-following, easy to parent child. But recently I have been seeing his argumentative, whiny side. It has caught me off guard.

What stood out to me was your bracing yourself for him to be more aggressive and argumentative in his tweens even though he has normally been super obedient and rule following.

Our own expectations and attitudes and feelings, unsaid, can really impact our children's behavior. At least in my experience. I guess I just felt a need to caution you against expecting 'what is out there as expected in certain ages.'

I love older literature from the 1800s. One thing that has always interested in me in it is that the 'teen years' aren't over emphasized. There was childhood, fifteen is often commented on as a difficult age, and then they are thought of as adults at 16. 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, and 14 year olds are often considered either children or at 14 as adults starting to make their way in the world if raised poor. It is a different out-look on life than what is prevalent today.

I don't think the human soul and spirit and development have changed. People's attitudes and expectations due to psychology and modern thinking and media have changed a lot.

If he has been obedient up to now there is no reason to suppose hormones are going to send him over the edge. They haven't sent my boys, who are 11 & 9, over the edge. They have had their moments of high aggression in wrestling one another that surprised me, but 98% of the time they just keep trucking along as they always have. My 11 year old has always been about 6 months to a year physically ahead for his age since babyhood, and he too hasn't shown 'tween behavior'.

Just a thought for the day.... hang in there.... and yes, heart attitudes are something we have to work on a lot too and emotionally can be exhausting. I guess I would say just take it day by day and try to expect the best from them. As they learn and grow they will have those 'bad days', but we just keep trying. In summary I am just saying that I haven't seen my boys change that much due to hormones; what I have seen instead in fact is my oldest really start to step up to the plate at the very earliest beginnings of being a man, and I am amazed at those little seeds that I see of mature responsibility rather than aggression or emotion.

Take heart.

Prayers here also. Something I have noticed with my boys is that having good snacks available really helps their attitudes as they hit the hormonal years. Protein is SO important. I keep jerky, nutbutters and apples or celery, veggies and ranch, cheese and fruit or deli meats, organic yoghurt...anything that is not high starch or sugar. Even protein shakes for emergencies are a good, albeit expensive, option. Definitely giving them help to process their feelings in context of what God says and leading them to His strength and wisdom is the primary goal in our years parenting our kids, and that helps me when I am bogged down in guilt for not getting school done. Sometimes I have to confess my lack of spiritual preparation for the day, apologize, call a time out and spend time with God. I am always (surprisingly) amazed at how much more peaceful the day becomes afterwards. God bless you as you make your way through this tough time.

Thank you ladies! I am reading and rereading your posts to soak in the wisdom. I will be praying and processing what is written here. I will update after some more prayer and thought. Thank you for taking time to respond.

Sara

Hi Sara! I know you have poured out your heart here, and here is a hug from me - HUG!!! You are not alone. I would go so far as to say I think we have all been there before. I know I have been discouraged and needing to make some changes to 'pick me up' before - walking alongside my parents in my Dad's battle with pancreatic cancer last year was tough. I think we all go through ups and downs emotionally, and sometimes that is just encouragement to do some reflecting and make some changes.

Your sharing you were reading parent help books and scheduling help books and first feeling inspired but then feeling like a failure hit a chord with me. I have a tendency to do this - to buy, read, watch, listen to some self-help type books and think I will have arrived at the answer, only to give it a try and immediately feel like a failure. I remember reading Elizabeth George's "A Wife After God's Own Heart" and being so inspired, only to find I couldn't live up to all that was suggested in that book and then feeling like a failure. I then read her "A Mom After God's Own Heart" and took the buffet approach to it. I chose a few things to do, a few changes to make, and I felt good about those. Still, not all were wildly successful. This will make you laugh - just last week I decided I should watch an apple tv Christian women's type devotional each week, as I was feeling like I should be a part of a women's group but have no time nor consistent childcare to go to one. I decided to watch an Elizabeth George one, because I do always like her books and encouragement (though they have, as I shared, made me feel discouraged at times too). In the one I watched, she suggested 'pampering my dh,' which I proceeded to do by making him his favorite breakfast, making his favorite coffee, hugging him, being as 'sunny' as possible - anyway, about the second day of this he didn't want the coffee, wanted to make his own breakfast, didn't have time for hugs, and when I asked him why he'd just left his coffee and not drank it, he said with big eyes, "What are you doing? I like to make my own breakfast, and I like to put my own amount of coffee in my cup!" I said teary-eyed that I was trying to pamper him. "Why?!?" he said. "Because I love you and that was what my women's devotional said I should do." He actually nearly shouted, "Well, I don't want to be pampered!!!" HIs eyes were kind of crazy and angry when he said it too. I just laughed until I had little tears coming down my face. He hugged me and said he liked things just the way they were, and told me to STOP trying to pamper him. I wondered what Elizabeth George would say if she were in the room. I wondered if I was married to the only man in the world that does NOT want to be pampered. I don't think so though - I think there are probably other women out there that found the same thing I did. Probably everything in self-help type books needs to be taken with a grain of salt. I remember feeling this way reading self-help parenting books too.

So, I have some sort of off-the-wall things I'll share that have helped me.
1. Dating my husband once a week (even when we don't feel like, even when we don't think we have the money for it, even when he's been gone a ton)
2. Taking 1 day off a week from school (and not making it the day to accomplish the world)
3. Routine rather than schedule (put it to paper, but make the times be less important than the routine). Stick to a start time and an end time, so you all know when to start and when school is done. Use the suggested time allotments as a starting point, and add in some grace periods that allow you to catch up when all doesn't go just so. Hop in and help if things are going long and a child is stuck. Clip along. Be brisk. Every homeschool moment cannot be a Hallmark moment.
4. Enough rest - get to bed on time - everyone, especially you!
5. Respect - require it from your son, have him treat you like you'd expect him to treat his teacher in school. Be clear about what you expect him to do and don't accept whining or complaining. Put him in the corner in a time out for 5 minutes every single time he is disrespectful at first and set the timer; 5 minutes seems long, it will do the trick. If he comes back still whining/complaining, back to the corner. I haven't done this for years and just had to again with my youngest. 3 times and he was the model child the rest of the day. Think of it this way - YOU deserve respect just like any teacher he had would deserve. His future wife will deserve respect too. Discussing it doesn't tend to work with boys, though I surely have tried that to its fullest.
6. Enlist help - require your dc to help with picking up, simple chores, watching younger siblings. This is not mean, this is expecting them to be a contributing member of the family, which they will need to do as an adult dh too.
7. One fun thing - give yourself permission to have 1 fun thing or 1 thing that makes life easier every day. A hot bubble bath, a phone conversation with a sister, a good cup of coffee, a short nap, a walk around the block, a little candy bar, take 10 minutes longer to really look your best when getting ready, paint your nails, use paper plates for a meal and throw them rather than do dishes, have a box of donuts for breakfast so you don't have to make it, throw a picnic blanket on the floor and have brownies with the kids, watch a movie you love (even it is by yourself), have your dh watch the kids and meet someone for coffee, or if there is no one to meet (as has been the case in my life at times) then get in the car and drive to get yourself a coffee and a good magazine or book to read somewhere.
8. If ds or dc are not responding to the above time out after consistently doing it, take things away. Computer time, video/dvd time, earlier bed time, favorite toy or pastime. These things are at your disposal as a parent. Things you lovingly provided that can be taken away until behavior changes. And all the while let your ds know you love him, but that in the real world, men with real jobs can't whine or complain their way through what they don't feel like doing, and at home, he can't either.
9. Stick close to God. Pray when you can - in the shower if need be. Listen to praise music while you do dishes. Read a short devotional in the morning or just 1 Proverbs or Psalms, and think about it off and on throughout the day. I have found God can be with me all day, and though it is best first thing, if it is not the first waking hours every day, then the rest of the day I can't feel guilty but must walk with Him all the more in thoughts, prayers, music. At least with HOD, I can take in my dc's Bible study and devotions during the day and meditate on that.

One last thing... this is MY self-help list. As such, you won't do everything on it, everything on it won't work for you, everything on it won't be a win, and that doesn't make YOU a failure. It makes this list imperfect, and it is because it is written by an imperfect person (a.k.a ME ). This too shall pass dear friend. But in the meantime, have a little fun and lay down some expectations along the way. Life is meant to be lived today.

Love in Christ,
Julie

I just want to give you a hug and tell you that God made you the way he made you for a reason. I am an ESTJ and thank the Lord everyone isn't like me I don't think it is sinful to not live your life on a schedule! I have had to pray for God to release me from my anxiety when I get off schedule! We are definitely all imperfect as Julie said. Just ask my husband and kids, I am sure they fill volumes on me

I do like the thought of having goals and routine for tackling your day instead of a "schedule." I think if the day is left to total chaos, then it is difficult to follow through with what you are seeking to do and that may be something that is already impacting your son negatively. I find that my kids definitely need a routine to stay in good spirits most days. But my life lately has been one crazy route where I can't follow the same schedule day in and day out. I work from home and have been going to a lot of meetings lately. For me, this kills my day and can kill my kids days too....if I let it. My current approach is to wake my kids up around/by 7:30 every day. They start school around 8:45 most days give or take. I am to a point now, because my days are so out of whack, that I tell them the "schedule" for the day. For example, if I have a meeting, I tell them when we will be packing up and getting ready to leave the house. I tell them what we need to accomplish prior to leaving. I tell them what subjects will be taking with them to the babysitter. And for my younger kids (and oldest until recently), I always set their schedule as to what subjects they do and in what order. My oldest has recently done a great job of getting her own work timely and has proven that she can complete it in her own order. She is a "P" - about as P as you can get!!!! But she knows the routine and has gotten used to it. I meet with her for 20 min first thing in the morning to go over math teaching and DITHOR teaching. I do story time and bible/geography right after lunch. And then I do spelling and any teaching for grammar or writing either after I read to her or I do it last in the day. I am to a point now that even though I create a formal schedule at the beginning of the year, I don't let my schedule control me! I let it guide me in how I break up my day and try to tackle my subjects. I let my schedule help me in keeping my house in reasonable working order. And I let it help me in keeping my sanity because it is my personality type LOL.

But God made you the way he made you and I wouldn't feel bad about that in any way. We are all members of the body and we all have unique gifts we can bring to that body. I would make sure to spend time focusing on your strengths. We all have areas in our lives we want to see improved and it is good to pray about how to improve those areas. But even in marriage, my husband and I balance each other out. He is an ISTP. I am glad God made him the way he did because this is what makes us whole.

my3sons wrote:5. Respect - require it from your son, have him treat you like you'd expect him to treat his teacher in school. Be clear about what you expect him to do and don't accept whining or complaining. Put him in the corner in a time out for 5 minutes every single time he is disrespectful at first and set the timer; 5 minutes seems long, it will do the trick. If he comes back still whining/complaining, back to the corner. I haven't done this for years and just had to again with my youngest. 3 times and he was the model child the rest of the day. Think of it this way - YOU deserve respect just like any teacher he had would deserve. His future wife will deserve respect too. Discussing it doesn't tend to work with boys, though I surely have tried that to its fullest.

This is exactly what I do with my dc when they start complaining and giving me sass about whatever. It is so effective. My kids never mind "sitting" in time out. I think they feel like it is a vacation LOL. But they do get tired standing there I have found this to be a great tool for quicker obedience. I don't want robots for kids but I do expect my kids to be respectful, especially when I know I gave them something to do that wasn't an unrealistic expectation.

Hello again!

Thank you all for your wonderful replies. Just yesterday my oldest had a terrible attitude day. I suppose the good side is that he has a high sense of justice and is not afraid to speak up (loudly) for what he believes is right. Someday, God will use that, but obviously I need to teach him respect and the appropriate times to speak his mind.

I will definitely be trying the 5 min corner routine. My poor husband got all my venting from the day yesterday and my trying to come up with a better plan for disrespect, slow obedience.

And Julie, I did laugh out loud at your pampering story! I can see my husband feeling similarly. I was just reading something from Ecclesiastes about how reading too many books can weary the soul. I just spent all my Christmas money on books before I read that! ha ha. I do love to read, but really, most times I should just read Scripture and abide in Christ for my daily direction.

I really enjoyed your list! How do you take 1 day off of school? Do you school 4 days? Or is Saturday your day off? We are doing Beyond and it is a five day plan, so I don't know exactly how to do four days without dragging the year out too long.

We have a general routine now that works pretty well. The kids have morning "chores" (the necessary things to do in the morning) and I have recently added afternoon/before dinner chores. This has been wonderful. Most days we get school done before lunch. Otherwise, I work for 30-45 minutes with whoever has work left after lunch. Our new routine is snack at 3pm and then the kids are required to tidy the main room and their bedrooms (so we don't have an exasperating clean up time before bed). Then I've assigned the big kids chores like, setting the table, vacuuming certain rooms, feeding the dog, etc, so that the house looks all put together by the time dad gets home. Then they are free to play until dinner. This has saved my sanity!! Having the house cleaned, table set, etc. by 4:30 is so very relaxing to me. Bedtime is much smoother when the house is clean.

My morning sickness has lasted a lot longer this time which has caused me to move slower in general, especially the mornings. This has made our start time for school very variable. But having a routine mentality has helped tremendously.

We are going to work on some creative ways to prompt cheerful first time obedience so that I'm not always lording fear based consequences over them for slow obedience. Hopefully that will help too.

Thank you for your input! I will be rereading and implementing as much as possible.

Sara

Julie,

Thank you for your replies! We are chugging along with many more good moments than bad moments. This is usual for us, so I am glad to have things back to "normal". Standing in the corner has worked beautifully. I've only had to use it once so far for each of my older kids. When I remind them of that consequence for bad attitude, they manage to stop complaining.

I am going to start rethinking our schedule for how to do four days a week of school. I think it could work great for us. And the break might help my creative juices keep flowing for the rest of our lives...

Thank you for your encouraging words. I've told my husband before, being a stay-at-home wife and home-school mommy is a job with no year-end reviews. I don't have anyone looking in on my day saying, "good job" or "you could do that better". It is nice to hear encouragement for what I do. I should say, my husband does encourage me, and keeping my mind on scripture challenges and encourages me as well. I think you have the gift of encouragement, Julie!

In His love,
Sara

queenireneof3 wrote:... I think you have the gift of encouragement, Julie!

In His love,
Sara

Thank you, Sara! I have now been encouraged as well!!!

Love in Christ,
Julie