Please tell me this will get better?

[mom23]

This is our 4th year with HOD. We're in Unit 2 of CTC, Unit 2 of Bigger, Unit 15 of LHFHG; and this has been the hardest, roughest start to the school year that I ever remember. Even tougher than our first year homeschooling.

I made up a schedule for us to follow, based on the alloted times for each box, but we're constantly running behind. I'm rushing the kids trying to get through everything, shoving things till later to finish up so we can try to just move on with our schedule. The kids are having bad attitudes-they don't want to do any of the work. One's whining because "everything's too hard" (the Bigger one) and the CTC one is just trying to skim past things because she doesn't care. She told me today there's no point in doing any of it because she'll never need it, anyway. Really!?! I can understand public school kids saying that, but HOD makes it so applicable to life and fun to learn, and ties everything together in such a way that I just really don't get that sentiment. She's dragging her feet, lollygagging and not getting things done. When they are "done" they are not complete, or correct. Yesterday, I had congratulated her at lunch time for getting through all of her assigned "I" boxes, only to find in our meeting time after lunch that none of them were actually done-she just did parts of them that she wanted to and then "didn't see" the part that told her to research further, or notebook, or copy something down. My dh was home when I discovered that, and talked with her about doing her best at things, and not trying to take short cuts to get out of work, or slopping through things just to get done. He made her go back and finish every box; which took her an hour and a half. Then, today, was more of the same. She did complete some of the boxes, but not all of them. I noticed that her chores today were the same way. Half done so she could say she did it, but nothing is actually complete. And my Bigger ds is carrying his whining and bad attitude into other areas of life as well. And has developed some obedience issues that have been brought to light since we've started school.

I am so frustrated with everyone and the whole situation right now that I have no idea what to do. I end up in tears every single day. My poor husband is trying his best to chip in and help out (this is the first year that he's had a job schedule that allowed him to really be a part of this-which is a huge blessing) but day after day just keeps being frustration on top of more frustration. The kids don't seem to feel it as much as I do-I asked them if they are frustrated about school today at lunch and they didn't seem to be, but I know that if they have to keep living with a mom that's completely had it and is snapping their heads off all the time they're going to begin to suffer.

Help me out! Do you have any suggestions? Any encouragement? Do you think it's just a matter of getting used to the guides; or do I need to tweak our schedule so that things aren't so rushed all the time? Although adding more time to our already 6+ hour school day is not at all what I want to do! I already feel like I don't have enough time to get to other things that need done. Like laundry! Or paying bills. Or sweeping the floors. We moved in May, and took the summer off to settle in, but maybe that's playing a part? I don't really think so, though. I was just chalking it all up to taking a summer break (we normally go year-round) and starting in with two new, harder guides at the same time (although I did start CTC half speed for one week before we added the other guides in there; and then let her do a couple of days half speed after that.) Anyway that's all of the venting I plan to do for now. Do any of you have suggestions? Thanks for reading this! Sorry for being so negative.

[queenireneof3]

mom23...

Yikes! I'm sorry that it has started out so poorly for you. No fun to feel defeated at the get-go.

I am not an expert by any means, but a few things came to mind that have helped me as I have dealt with my stragglers in different areas of life.

1. Teach them responsibility by letting go of the emotional burdens that should be theirs. Doing schoolwork, chores, etc, are their responsibility, not yours. If you "care" about it more than they do, you are carrying the stress they should be carrying. I have learned to say my expectations clearly (ie: your room needs to be picked up in 30 min; I'm setting the timer. Your school work needs to be done before you can have free time today. You may not play outside until you have finished your chores, etc.) Say it clearly ONCE and then walk away knowing that it is their responsibility to obey you and complete their work. I go do something else entirely so I am not tempted to hover and micromanage. (when it is something they are capable of doing by themselves, of course). Sloppy chores, sloppy work has to be redone and the consequence remains--no free time, etc. I come in their room with a bag when the timer goes off and "pick up" whatever is still laying out or shoved under the bed and it is mine to keep until they have managed to clean their rooms well for a while. The key is to remain calm and encourage them that they are capable of this task and can do it well. (Connected Families.org or .net has more on this kind of information.) Connected Familes also makes the point that kids should hear clearly that they are loved no matter if they make a poor choice to shirk their responsibility. Love is not conditional based on performance. Consequences still apply, however. But consequences are there to train out the bad behavior, not make the kids feel like a "bad, unlovable kid". Stay calm when administering consequences so that you are not emotionally reacting, but simply applying the consequences you have already stated. Teri Maxwell's book, "Homeschooling with a Quiet and Meek Spirit" gives details and advice about how she dealt with one difficult child in particular.

2. Bad attitudes are met with a corrective and brief "spanking" right at the time they are shown with a reminder to obey cheerfully and a redo of how I want them to respond. (Per "Growing Godly Tomatoes"). Holding out until they obey cheerfully has helped eliminate the attitudes quickly. She explains more on her site.

3. Pray about your own attitude. I read this in an article by "No Greater Joy" ministries and it totally revolutionized my thinking on my kids' attitudes. When I complain of bad attitudes in my kids, the origin is usually in the mirror. When I am grumpy, overwhelmed, frustrated, etc, the kids are the same. Mothers truly are the "heart of the home". I have to confess and ask forgiveness for my bad attitudes to God and my kids, explain to them that this is why i love Jesus SOOO much, he takes away my sin and gives me grace to obey. And ask the Holy Spirit to produce fruits of joy and peace and patience in my life. Bonus if it rubs off on my kids! I always pray with, or at least offer to pray with my kids who are struggling with a bad attitude. We can't "buck up and improve ourselves", Jesus gives us strength and grace thru His Holy Spirit to be joyful and peaceful even when our circumstances are hard. So I try to teach my kids to confess bad attitudes and rely on Jesus for the help to have a good attitude when they don't feel like it. Then I point it out to them later when they are cheerful how God answered our prayers and He gets the glory!!

These are just some random thoughts. Stick with it, even if it is hard. The kids will see that school has to get done no matter how our feelings are at the moment. Pray for God to give you all joy as you muscle thru the beginning!

Hugs...
sara

[MelInKansas]

Oh My! I wish I could give you a hug! I thought our start was rocky but yours sounds very very difficult!

My first thought reading this was to go to 1/2 speed and work on training, training, training. Especially with the one in CTC. She seems to need practice either in reading and following the directions properly, or if she already knows how to do that, she obviously needs training in the consequences of not doing it. Or pray through with your husband how to have her do some study or work related to diligence, obedience. You definitely need to work through their attitudes and your ability to handle what seems to be a very very full homeschool schedule. That should be slowed down until it seems the attitude and all of you working together is back in place.

I hate feeling like we have to rush and hurry to get through the guides. Why does your schedule get derailed every day? Is it because you are starting late? Is it because the kids are dawdling? I have a dawdler in my 8YO. She is the only one who does work independently, with the other 2 I am with them the entire time so I can remind them to get back on task. I know Julie has had some good posts on here on how to get your independent students back into the habit of doing their work efficiently and how to train them to work well independently. When we move into Preparing I know I will have to do that with my DD. I will search and see if I can find ones that I really liked.

Blessings to you, I am praying that you will find some ways to work on behavior AND that the Holy Spirit will be reaching your childrens' hearts.

[pjdobro]

Hugs Becky! You are having a rough start. Thanks Sara for those tips and encouragement. I found much useful in those words that I think I'll be applying. I just want to encourage you to hang in there. You've had a lot of changes lately with the move and the harder guides. Those things are challenging for you and your kiddos. If your dd is anything like mine, hormones are raging and playing a part. I hate to admit it, but I've been dreading starting school this year much for the same reason that you are having difficulties. Dealing with the attitudes, hormones, and lack of self-initiative that I have seen in my dd in the recent past make me dread starting our school year. I find that school just amplifies any issues we have. It's easy to ignore bad attitudes and laziness when there is nothing specific that has to be done, but with school there are expectations to be met. That's when all those issues come to light and have to be dealt with. I'm hopeful that this year will be better for us since we have several more months of maturity under our belt, the excitement of a new guide, and hopefully the hormones are more stable now, but still I am a bit nervous about starting because I don't want to deal with the issues. So I can relate to where you are especially with your dd. Take Sara's advice and try to hang in there. Slow down to half-speed if necessary. Realize that it isn't the guides or school even. It's just the normal parenting issues that have to be dealt with and school amplifies them. Take your time and work on the heart issues. Don't worry about the academics. They'll get done in their own good time.

[LynnH]

Hugs to you! It is no fun to start the year off rough. I wanted mostly to address the one in CTC. My ds is 14 and this year I am seeing things I haven't seem from him before. He has had a little more negative attitude, not seeing the use for certain things (mainly math) and he hasn't been doing the quality of work that I know he is capable of. He does just enough to say he has done it and moves on. I have come to realize that for some reason it seems like this age needs to know exactly what is expected of them. I had to tell him exactly what kind of work was acceptable and what I was looking for. If he does work that doesn't include everything I point out exactly what is missing. You would think by this age they wouldn't need as much training and hand holding, but it is almost like he needs more initially. For example I tell him every day at the end of school to clear everything off the school table and put it away. Every day I look and he has left at least 2 things on the table. Today I told him that he had been leaving things on the table and he honestly did not know that he had been doing that. It was if he hadn't even noticed. I told him he needed to scan the entire table and pick every single thing up. Well today he finally cleared the entire table off. For some reason he needed the very specific instructions. We see that with other chores also where he will do about 3/4ths of the job and then we point out what he missed and he truly seems to not even realize he missed whatever it was. I don't know if it is teenager brain or what.

Today after several days of telling him exactly what my expectations where for each box and for his school day he finally had a fantastic day and did everything to his full potential. Maybe she really does need more training from you, maybe even a written checklist of things like 1) did you complete every instruction in the box? 2) Is every box in your notebook filled out that should be filled out today? 3) Did you use your neatest handwriting? etc.

[mom23]

Thank you, everyone! It's been super encouraging and helpful...today was a much better day for us. Sara, I took your great advice and spent some time last night really searching out my own heart and attitude and praying things through; and then looking at the Connected Families website you referred. I came away greatly encouraged and with some practical advice-that, although it seemed small, made a huge difference in our day. I also gave my CTC dd a handheld checklist, complete with times that each thing should take her as a goal. She made the times in most of the boxes, even beating them in one or two of them. I think it helped her to have those goals. I also made it clear to her what she would be missing out on if things were not done on time. That it was fine for her to finish up her school work, and she could work as long as it took, but it was coming off of her fun time, not mine.

I also appreciated those reminders that we're working toward bigger goals here than just completing our guides in a specified time. That taking time for the attitudes and character issues were important enough to take enough time to do them well and right, even if it means going half speed until we get them ironed out. I was prepared to do that, but was pleased to find that today, anyway, it wasn't necessary. Even when I took the 5 or 10 minutes to have my son do something again and again until he could do it happily and properly the rest of our day was much more effecient.

So, thank you so much for all of your input. It really is a blessing to have godly encouragement found here when I need it, and these friends (although we've not met ) that are willing to speak a hard word when I need to hear it.