Help me not give up! NOT doing well

[ninipelley]

I have written before here about how hard it is to hs my family. I do not feel respected by my children- they seem demanding, angry and throw fits about school. This is all day. I am so busy with all the character issues I cannot even focus on what needs to change and how to change it. To make things more complicated- I really don't have much of a pro homeschooling support system. I get "If you're stressed then put them in public school" and blah blah blah. Yes even my christian friends.
I really do want to homeschool but this IS nothing how I want it to look. I know how it NEEDS to look but not how to accomplish that.
I know- pray you say, but There also has to be some measures else I can do ...
Please help-

[Mercy]

Rewards have worked really well at our house. It helps to keep everyone positive and it gives clear explanations of what is expected. We have dont a quarter for finishing the day without any problems for a season with certain children. That worked really nice! I know others are much more organized and have play money with certain items being worth so much play money so they can save up and spend. For us, it had to be a daily reward. Having to wait for the promis of the end of the week is hard. I have done jelly beans for other behavior, like saying a positive word to a sibling or doing a chore without being told. The idea is to slowly build up the atmosphere of your home. As moms, especially when we are discouraged and feel out of control, tend to focus on all of the negative behavior. This has helped me to try to find things to complement my children about. Also, make sure you spend quality time, doing fun things with them. It is important to spend quiet times with each of your children individually and altogether. Take nature walks, go swimming, have a pillow fight with them and play cards. It is not easy sometimes, because we are selfish creatures by nature. It takes work to raise our children in love. Love is an action. Keep the big picture in mind. Build the relationships now with them, so that you can always remain friends.

Hope something here helps.
Mercy

[raindrops]

Has anything changed since your last similar thread 2 yrs ago? You were going to try some discipline techniques.

What do you think caused the problem? Could it be tv, music, friends, too much sugar, or books they read with bad examples?

I hope you can find an answer! it is sad to see you still searching. God's blessings.

[amysconfections]

School can be downright awful with kids who don't obey. I've heard from many homeschool veterans who needed to take a break from the books and work on character and attitudes. I suggest that you read on Raisinggodlytomatoes.com. Hopefully you will find more specific answers on there about discipline and obedience. Since this is not a child rearing forum I will leave it at that. It's not too late to restore obedience and order.

[MelInKansas]

So sorry to hear it is so hard! Trust me, this is normal, really. Or if it's not, at least I am/have experienced this too. I think a huge part of how we feel about parenting and homeschooling is all in our expectations. There are ways to manage things that might make for more peace, respectful behavior at least if not attitudes, and things like that, but in fact our children are little sinners, just like we are. Sometimes they act better, but our goal as Christian parents is not only behavior modification (or it's not behavior modification at all). It's two things. 1) help the child see their own sinful heart and need for a savior (and tell them who that Savior is) 2) model for them humility, repentance, what it means to walk with Christ day by day. Give them the love of Christ, over and over and over again as they screw up over and over and over again.

By those standards, the most "successful" Christian parents would not be the ones with the best behaved children. They could be, but not necessarily.

I'm not very familiar with your situation or the particular issues you are battling with your children. I just hope by God's grace I can say something that will encourage you, help you go back to your source and discover what is important to you in homeschooling your children. Sending them to public school (or private school) will not solve the problem(s), it might make them easier to deal with as the children will be gone for a large part of the day, but it doesn't solve anything.

I could preach it to myself too. Today I had one of those days where, yeah, we got through school, but there were numerous issues and in particular I am dealing with almost constant complaining, discontent, comparison, and arguing whenever asked to do a task she does not want to do from one of my children. How do you teach a child gratefulness? I try to point out to her the things she should and can be thankful for. When she grumbles there are often consequences. We have quoted over and over and over again Phillipians 2:14 "Do all things without complaining or disputing." She says "I try Mommy but I can't change it." Of course she can't. It's in her heart. I paraphrase Romans 7 - the good I wish to do I cannot do... by God's grace alone we can do what He is calling us to do.

May you be strengthened by God's grace. Often character issues in my children are there because God wants to teach ME something I really need to learn. God is bigger, he will restore the years the locusts have eaten, he works all things for good...

[mom23]

I've also found some real help and encouragement from Raising Godly Tomatoes. Don't use all of it as written, but find it helpful, nonetheless. I've also found help from this blog (link removed by board moderator per board rules)

I do think that maybe it would be helpful to consider a break from school work, if you haven't done that already. Sometimes we have things to teach our kids that are much more important than academics!

This next thing I would say does not come at all in judgement, but rather as one who does know what it's like to feel she's absolutely failing as a mom. How is your relationship with the Lord? I know that "pray" can sound like a very trite answer, when you're needing practical help. Honestly, though, the Lord has been so very good to provide practical help when I'm seeking it from the Word daily. I'm sure that the passages I was reading had nothing in the world to do with parenting to the average person reading it, but when I was able to get real with God, seeking what I absolutely did not have on my own, He gave small, daily ideas through Scripture. One simple thing I could try for that day, or that week, that over time brought encouragement to me. I pray that He'll meet you in the same way, because, after all, He is the only source of true, lasting answers for parenting, or any other issue. Use these trials to draw closer to Him.

So sorry that you're feeling like this! I hope that you find that "homeschool support" from somewhere-HERE, if nothing else! (((HUGS))) Hang in there, Mama!

[julsoliveira]

I don't have anything exceptional to add at all. Frankly, we are a Military family, and I run my household in a militaristic fashion. But, I do want to extend to you a long distance hug, and let you know that we have hard days too. I yell at my kids sometimes. It doesn't make me proud or anything. I would hope that you're husband/kids father (don't know you're situation) is supportive of homeschooling. If so, then he needs to have a serious talk with his children about how they talk to, and show respect to his wife, their mother. period. Putting them in PS isn't going to work anyway. If they don't respect you, are they really going to respect another authoritarian figure? Probably not. I know that if Dad is showing respect to mom, then the kids tend to follow suit. I hope you don't mind if I pray for you.

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!

[lucsch]

I want to encourage you to not give up. This isn't a homeschooling issue. It is a parenting issue. So, sending them off to school will just give you relief (maybe) and put the children in an environment that will encourage their disrespect at home. Not only that, you will be spending more time in the evenings doing homework with them, and dealing with the very same issues! At least now, you have a chance at turning them around, without outside influences.

When my boys were little and wild (LOL), I instituted a sticker calendar chart with little smiley faces and frowny faces. Whenever they did something really nice for each other, they got a smiley face. Whenever they misbehaved, they got a frowny face. At the end of the week, we added up the smiles and subtracted off the frowns. I had a box of trinkets, each marked with a smiley price tag. They loved to "shop" from that box! It really did help.

Really, more important than anything else right now is getting these children to respect you and listen to you. This will take a plan, developed with a lot of thought and prayer. In my experience and from the reading I've done, you have to get this respect developed pre-teen. Otherwise, the teen years will be unhappy for all involved. Forget all academics if you have to, until the problem is under control.

ETA: Another thought I had...my dd has gone through times when she seemed whiny and ungrateful. I had her keep a Thankfulness journal, where each day she would write of something for which she was thankful. Forcing thought in that area can shift perspective.

Of course, the number #1 action to take is pray. Pray for each child individually.

[momof3kids]

Hugs and love to you i am probably not the one to offer advice..we are starting our first yr hs...
but as far as behavior/attitudes at home, i found something at the hs conference we went to i thought i would share..
it's called Accountable Kids..they have a web site..it's basically a kind of reward/chore chart. it has helped us alot to motivate the children to do simple things around the house, and has really improved their attitudes about being helpful and wanting to do good things.
i agree some kids respond better to rewarding good behavior than disciplining bad ...i am learning with my younger son....
just a thought that might help....
ohh..and as far as putting them in school...one of the main reasons we have decided to hs is the change in attitude brought home by my older son from K in ps....i spent at least 30 min or an hour every evening correcting his attitude from how he/others acted and learned to act at school.....
dont want to discourage you if you decide to go that route though...this has just been our experience....
hope things get better for u

[mothermayi]

{{{hugs}}} Please, do NOT give up! Your children depend on your persistence and determination. Honestly, public school will only make their behavior worse as the previous poster stated. We took a parenting class called Growing Kids God's Way. We took another parenting class that was secular through a different organization and IMO, Growing Kids God's Way is far superior. The info can be covered at home with your husband or it can be done in a group setting. There are DVDs to go along with the book, but they are not necessary bc the book follows the DVDs to the "T." To give you an idea of things covered, I've included the table of contents below. You can find more info here: (link removed by board moderator per board rules)

Table of Contents
Chapter 1 How To Raise a Moral Child
Chapter 2 Right Beginnings
Chapter 3 Touchpoints of Love
Chapter 4 The Father’s Mandate
Chapter 5 Your Child’s Conscience
Chapter 6 Character Development: Respect for Authority and Parents
Chapter 7 Character Development: Respect for Age
Chapter 8 Character Development: Respect for Peers, Property, and Nature
Chapter 9 Principles of Obedience
Chapter 10 Discipline with Encouragement
Chapter 11 Discipline with Correction
Chapter 12 Consequences and Punishment
Chapter 13 Repentance, Forgiveness, and Restoration
Chapter 14 Discipline Issues (Part One)
Chapter 15 Discipline Issues (Part Two)
Chapter 16 The Appeal Process
Chapter 17 Building a Healthy Family

Hang in there sis! It is never too late to train your children. {{{HUGS}}}

[countrylivin]

Dear One~

Nothing brings tears to a mommy's eyes like this kind of stress in the home. I wish that you could come over and have a cup of tea. Sharing heart stuff is so much nicer on a couch with something warm in your hands, don't you think? The kids could all run and play like they've known each other for years..... But here I sit on my couch, not knowing you, but loving you across air space:)

I don't have any answers for you, but I do have something to share that the Holy Spirit has been whispering to me over the last few months. Purposeful Family Culture..... What is my hearts desire for my family? What are the things that I long to share, do, or just be as a family? What is the atmosphere I want in my home? What fragrance, literally and figuratively do I want to emminate from this place? As I began to ponder on these thoughts with Him, He began to help me clarify what I am doing and why I am doing it. When I was reading in I Choronicles, chapter 28 verse 2 jumped out at me. It reads, "I had it in my heart to build a house of rest..." That was it! That is what my heart desired. A place that we could all live and love and linger together. Then, with new clarity and vision, I began to talk and share all that was on my heart with my husband. Some of the ideas that flowed out of this were practical ideas for increased structure so that rest could find a home, but others were more conceptual like boosting up the Holy-Spirit-mom-o-meter to recognize issues for what they really were.

I'm sharing all of this with you because sometimes when things have been spinning out of control for so long, we forget what it is like not to spin with everyone around you. So today, take a step back, don't enter into the fray that your children are trying to get you to participate in, and find a quiet place where you and Papa God can 'snuggle' a little and begin to dream together over your family. It isn't too late. Nothing is impossible for Him. He is the creator of the universe and He is also very good at helping us momma's do our thing. He has good, practical ideas for you. Things that will lead to breakthrough for your beautiful family. Know that you are being cheered on and prayed for!

Blessings over your home!

[Rachel]

Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Trip is also a great parenting book. We reread that one every few years to get back on track.

[my3sons]

I am the youngest daughter in my family, and I have many friends and acquaintances who are older than me, so I have been blessed to try to learn from those who have gone before me. A few things I have learned by observation - struggles will come with our dc - even if we homeschool. BUT, the incredible blessing of homeschooling is we may know about the temptations, the struggles, the difficulties our dc are having academically, spiritually, and just at the heart level - sooner rather than later. Timing can be everything for our teenagers especially. If we miss the first or second run-in with something sinful for our dc, it's a lot harder to fix it after weeks, months, years of the the habit forming. With homeschooling, we have sheer time on our side. Based on observation, usually putting our dc in ps to fix problems, actually creates more problems, more distance between us and our dc, but it isn't always noticeable right away. It is noticeable 'down the road' quite often though, and then it's tougher to fix.

You have some heart issues to work through with your dc. But, rest assured, you are NOT alone!!! We ALL have heart issues to work on with our dc (and with ourselves too.) I'd say the top causes for heart issues in our dc are media influences, bickering among siblings, and not enough focus on the Lord outside of school (because we use HOD, we DO focus on the Lord in school already, so ironically it is OUTSIDE of school we struggle with here.)

Have you thought about what heart issues your dc seem to have and what may be causing them? Just praying about this, reflecting on this, and 'observing' our kiddos for a few days can really reveal a lot. I did this about 6 months ago. I found we had more to work on than I thought, and it made me sad and feel overwhelmed. I just prayed and prayed about it, and God helped me put together a plan. We basically stopped all computer for 5 months, and I took away my son's IPOD. I also asked each of our dc each week if they were being tempted about anything to do with whatever I'd figured out was a temptation for each of them. Just asking privately and having a heart to heart often about it seemed to help each of them be more honest, accountable, and broke down some walls that had been up between us. You may want to consider removing all media influences for a week, or drastically lessening them. Or, if the poor influence is a friend, or acquaintance, cut off association with that person or group. For bickering, we went to time out immediately 5 minutes alone in their room. They didn't care about this consequence at all at first. But, the third time to their room, they were annoyed. I actually saw huge improvements doing this just for a weekend. Whatever you give for a consequence for backtalking or bickering, do it right away and consistently - so pick a consequence you can actually give. You deserve to be treated with respect as your dc's mother and teacher - you'd expect no less from your dc with how they treated their teachers at ps. So, expect and require it. Same with how they treat their siblings. No bullying allowed in the home either! This is tough, I know. But progress can be made!!!

A counter measure to this is planning fun things to do as a family. I take the boys to movies, pizza, Dairy Queen, or just outside for a picnic. I am so tired sometimes, as my dh travels a lot and well - life is just busy. But these snatches of time together do much to build my relationship with my sons. Planning something, putting it on the calendar, and talking about it coming up, are all things that seem to help build our relationship into a more positive one. Working alongside my dc in a project all together - like redoing the playroom - reorganizing the kitchen, etc. seems to help too.

I don't have all the answers. We are a work in progress. My dc are not perfect, nor am I. I find I need to ask the Lord for forgiveness every day. I do feel Him by my side though, and I do feel with homeschooling I can be a little quicker on the draw. Love them, but with stricter standards and God's guidance. That's what we're aiming for - you can do the same! God WILL equip us for this task. We just must remain faithful to Him and to His purpose in our lives - which I do feel - at least in our case - is homeschooling. I will be in prayer for you, but keep your chin up! These problems are still fixable. You have come to this realization at the right time, for God has probably revealed it to you. May He make clear a plan!

Love in Christ,
Julie