heartofdakota.com

Today, I am discouraged. Back in August, I wrote how God was giving me another chance to homeschool our oldest, but that we would be moving from California to Texas in order to take care of my mother in law. We are on our fourth week with our oldest. His first day went okay, a little bit of struggle, and then last Wednesday was a tough day.

Today has been really tough. Our oldest is refusing to do his work. He started off tired, so I decided to give a little grace this morning. We worked for about an hour before I sent him to do his independent work so I could work with his brothers. About 10 minutes later, he came crying to me that he didn't understand anything, not even the independent work that he usually understands. I knew he was a little tired so I told him just to relax and when I was done working with his brothers I would help him. Keep in mind too that since we are living with my mother-in-law in a small space, we are going to the park/lake each day to do our school work. This works out most of the time and allows them plenty of outside time for all of my active boys. He got really frustrated when I told him to relax and not worry about it, because he wanted me to stop right away and help him instead of his brothers. He said he wouldn't be able to get all of his work done and have time to fish (which earlier this morning he said he wasn't going to fish). Basically, it seems he decided in his mind that he couldn't do anything on his own.

We finished lunch, and I was ready to help him. He was still very agitated telling me I wasn't explaining anything right, etc. and wouldn't even give me a chance to help. It is now 3:30pm and we are back at my mother-in-law's house. He still won't do anything. I would say that this could be caused by the change in environment but this happens anywhere. This happened in our home that led to my burn out last year, because it got so hard. Typically in the past (last year) this "I don't care" attitude continues for part of the day and then turns to anger/aggression before being completely exhausted and sleeping. Then for the most part he is sorry for his actions. I did give him basically all morning to calm down and relax with no pressure. He has been to a doctor and blood work was fine. He has seen a counselor and that didn't work.

Am I not seeing something here? Any ideas to help overcome this? Am I doing something wrong? Last year, I tried to keep a very structured schedule hoping that would help him know what to expect and when but that didn't help him. So this year, when we work together, I let him choose what he would like to work on. My husband will also not be able to join us until the beginning of November. I would think that this was something to cause his behavior except he did this last year too. I really don't want another year like last year, so I'm looking for ideas/help. I just don't know how to get past this. It makes it difficult to focus on his brothers and that get less of my time. They are even asking when he can go to school.

((HUGS))) We all have had those days! My oldest went through a couple of difficult years, but settled over the last year or two. I never put him in school, but I was soooo tempted sometimes! I am standing with you in prayer.

I just prayed for you 12 is SUCH a hard age. I teach literature and writing to homeschool junior high students (12-14 yrs). My observational experience has been that this age is just hard all around when it comes to relating to parents, especially between boys and their mothers. One thing that helped the families in our learning center is reading through the book Your 10-14 Year Old by Louise Bates Ames. This series gives a glimpse into what is happening with kids in this age bracket. They have a book for each age and I've read all of them up to the age of my girls. They don't have a lot of "quick-fix" type of things, but they lend such great insight in to the why of your child's behavior and it has really helped me understand my girls more fully at different seasons as well as help me know when it is appropriate to extend more grace and when I need to tighten the reigns.

I would encourage you to continue to cover your son in prayer. There have been seasons with my girls, even though they are much younger, when I would pray over them in their sleep for God to work in their hearts because of a rebellious heart attitude. I have worked with students who have been extremely respectful and worked very hard for me in class, yet butted heads constantly with their parents. I have not been in the parental position of a pre-teen boy, but I do know it is common for them to struggle through all the changes happening within them and see it come out in the relationship with their parents.

I will continue to pray for you. I know the heartache you are feeling is exhausting.

He. is. 12. That says ALOT.

Keep the lines of communication open. I would pull your husband in on this. He can do a lot with phone calls with your son, encouraging him and checking back in to see how your son is doing. This is not to overburden your husband, just to encourage him to continue the relationship via long distance. I would also scale back a bit on what I was expecting of everyone, especially yourself with all the transition. Make sure you are taking care of the fundamentals. Pick a great book for everyone to enjoy for storytime. Get outside as a family - every day. Keep talking to your son. Enjoy him. If you don't enjoy him, ask God to enjoy him through you. Let go of any guilt or anxiety you feel. Honestly, they go into a fog and they may be in it for a year or two, but they do come out of it. You will like him again. I promise. If he's a young man who likes to get outdoors I would definitely have him get up and get outside first thing, come back in , have breakfast and get to work. It will help clear the "fog" a bit.

Just as an illustration, my oldest slept through most of his 12th year of life and my second one simply couldn't do anything academic, but he could fish. And read books about fish. And I got him an aquarium, and another one, and another one and he fished and fished and fished. He's 13 1/2 now and never fishes. He even sold the aquariums. Time flies. It will get better. THEN they start to eat... oh, my. If you only knew....

I can't help because I'm in the same situation. Only commiserating. My dd is 12. She can't seem to do anything she did last year in CTC. Nothing. I talked to another mom, who is a huge science guru in our homeschooling community. Last year her dd was 12 and she said she had a hard time with her as well. Mind you this is a family of overachievers. This 12 yr old is a guru at piano and harp. Her mom has oodles of degrees. She made her 12 year old repeat the entire grade. So all I can say is maybe it's that they're 12!

Another HOD hug sent your way from another mom of a 12 yo here! I do think your ds is probably missing his dad, while also trying to adjust to a new home and to sharing you with dear mother-in-law. That is a lot for a boy going through 12 year old woes to go through, and it is a lot for a mom of a 12 year old boy going through woes to go through too! I love the idea of involving dad through phone calls.

A few things stuck out from your post. First, this time of puberty is exhausting (physically and emotionally) for our sons. Ds sounds like he needs more sleep, so perhaps an earlier bedtime or a later getting up time would be something to try for him.

Second, for my 12 yo ds, it is very important he gets underway first right now. He is impatient waiting on me, and I understand this, as he is the oldest and among our 3 sons has the most work to do. So, starting with your ds first and having the other dc play or do something independent would probably be a good idea. I'd also have times you check back with him regularly throughout his independent or semi-independent work, as if he gets "stuck" and can't go on, he will feel so frustrated seeing you working with the other dc and knowing he has more work and they are going to be finished with their lesser work so much more quickly than him. Having the illusion of finishing at the same time when teaching multiple guides is a must around here. Having the littles start later and have more breaks in the middle of their school, while I work more with the oldest and check on him helps us all finish about the same time, which makes my oldest happier. Having checkpoint meeting times has REALLY helped my 12 yo ds and me navigate this new emotionally charged stage. Here is a link where this is described, and I'd highly recommend have several checkpoint meeting/teaching times planned for ds during his day...
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=12668

Third, my ds is a fisherman and an avid outdoorsman, and he would be incredibly distracted homeschooling outside. Could you possible make the outdoor park time the reward for finishing school, and try to school in your mother-in-law's house somehow? I know you'd mentioned it is small, but maybe just leaving a few subjects for the park would work better for ds's ability to focus? Like maybe Storytime? And Poetry? Maybe DITHOR? The rest, if you could clip along with it in the home setting, may be better done first inside.

These are just a few ideas that came to mind, but I do think this is a difficult age to navigate. Prayer is surely the best help for all of us right now! I hope something here can help, but you will definitely know best what may work in your situation for your ds - I'm just trying to throw some ideas out there you can take or leave.

In Christ,
Julie