Encouraging Independence

[mmschool]

I have a question for those of you who have been doing this a while. My husband and I were pretty independent workers, so we are being challenged by dd age 3 who has not really shown much interest in being independent at all. This trait shows up in school work - why color the pictures for count on me pages if Mommy will do it for me? It also shows up in daily life. This is the child that is 3 and a quarter and can't dress herself, undress herself, or wash her hands independently. In fact, my dh is of the opinion that preschool can't be going very well because she isn't potty trained. Until I get that one, this year's homeschooling is going to be somewhat of a flop in his eyes. (Luckily I am confident that I will get at least through kindergarden to make homeschooling "work" for him.)

So, with a child that seems to be missing the "I do it!" drive, how do you encourage it? My direct teaching efforts seem to lead to a lot of but I can''t tears, and once she is crying, progress has ceased. If I refuse to help her with the fine motor sections of LHTH she will do them, but with next to zero effort. That isn't a huge deal at this point, but I figure that I want to start training her towards what I will want not, before lots of bad habits of carelessness and unwillingness are well established.

Lena
dd3 - lhth

PS We have struggled with reward systems - she doesn't connect cause and effect well. So, she cries when she doesn't get treats, not seeming to connect that with failing to perform the activity that the treat was a reward for!

[blessedmomof4]

To be honest, I don't think your little one sounds unusual-my oldest child, now 19, was not fully potty trained till his 4th birthday, he couldn't work buttons till age 6, and couldn't color neatly till age 8. But he is now a high school graduate and a very capable young man Remember that LHTH is appropriate for children up to age 5, and that if a child is on the younger end of the age-range as yours is, then the expectations of how much the child actually does should not be set as high as one would expect a 5 year old to do. At her age I would want to keep school light and fun, working to slowly build her attention and confidence. She truly may not be ready to do everything in the manual at this point, and that is ok. For fine motor skills I might have her pick up small items like beans and put them into an empty egg carton, use lacing cards, and lots of play-doh and clay to strenghten the muscles in the hand. I would also praise her efforts lots, even if the end result is not anywhere near what is desired, so she will have the desire to keep trying.

[netpea]

like the pp said, she may not be ready for LHTH or you may have different expectations than she does. If you color a page Together, is she participating. I don't see anything wrong with a 3 year old not coloring independently. I used LHTH with my very bright oldest child at age 4 and he loved it, I doubt he would have enjoyed it as much at 3. Every child is different. I would focus more on active play with her working on basic skills at this point, lace up cards, buttoning things, shape sorters, colors, numbers, field trips.
Remember, she's only 3. Some kids do LHTH at age 5.
Just my two cents...

[annaz]

Agreeing with the pp on how to handle this. FWIW, my at the time 3 yr old couldn't do any of the things you're asking about at 3, much less at 4.

[countrymom]

Definitely agree with the others. Three is very young and it is very normal for a 3 yr old to need a lot of guidance. My 4 1/2 yr old can't fully dress himself yet, same child that has been very slow with fine motor skills and very poor attention span. I would just make it fun at this point.

[annaz]

And I have to add...helpful or not....my dd is 11 and only 8 times out of 10 will brush her teeth without being told. Never when she was 9.

It's just a long process. Hang in there.

[mmschool]

Actually, I think she is doing pretty well with LHTH. She already knew her uppercase letters and their sounds, but she is steadily learning all the lowercase as we go through the weeks. He grasp of Bible stories is getting a lot better. Plus, the main goal was to get her to accept that there are certain times of day where Mommy sets the agenda. We read the books that I say, and only as much as the guide says to cover. She is improving in that.

With the fine motor stuff, I am not much concerned with the end product. All of her pictures are scribbles, and that is fine with me. The concern to me is that she doesn't even want to try. For the count with me sheets, I would be fine with some sort of mark in each box in an appropriate color (she knows her colors.) Just so the paper is "her" work and not Mommy's. But her immediate response is "you do it." I don't think that we have put any pressure on her that the end product is supposed to look a certain way or anything. She is the oldest child, so there is no one to live up to. I am just concerned that she be willing to try to do some things for herself.

And we will probably repeat LHTH next year with little brother tagging along, because most of the math activities and role playing are pretty lost on her now. We skip it or modify.

I will try to remember that not every kid is potty trained by the time they "should" have started preschool. It doesn't help that my mother in law runs a preschool where potty training is expected if you are entering the fall when you are three! My dh feels very pressured, I think, that since his family is not particularly supportive of homeschooling that we should keep up with where students "ought" to be for their age. I know that she will learn a lot more if we meet her where she is rather than by a group standard, but I also don't want to put dh in the position of looking lax in front of his family, because we aren't even trying to teach her the usual preschool tasks.

Lena
dd3 - LHTH
ds1

[GinainMD]

Lena, please don't worry about what everyone else thinks or what the dc in your mother in laws preschool are doing. I'd consider school a success if dd is willingly participating and is having fun. She is still so young! Not that she shouldn't always be learning and growing, she should, but I would just try to instill a love of learning at this age. Blessings

[shera]

Just a thought what if you copied the page so Mommy had her own to do. Then when she says you do it? You can point to your own page and say I am this one is yours. That might work.

[KristinBeth]

She may not be ready just yet. You're probably right, she doesn't want to try. Why don't you continue reading aloud to her and save the coloring and other paper work for later? Neither of my daughters likes to color. Both find it boring, so I don't make them do it. Now gluing, that's another story - they love that.

If it were me, I would just continue reading aloud, do the Bible and fingerplays, do puzzles, play outside, draw with sidewalk chalk, finger paint, listen to music, play instruments, less work and more play.

Oh and my older daughter potty trained at 4.5 (for #1, going #2 was much earlier) because she honestly didn't recognize the "have to go" feeling until then. Sometimes you just have to wait. I feel for you with your mother in law. It's not easy when you're just starting and don't have a "see, we CAN do it" story to tell yet...but you'll get there. Just hang on!

[Heidi in AK]

I agree with all the PP's! Hang in there! My dd is 5 and still has to be coached. Only recently did she start to show interest in coloring. I think what makes it hard is societal expectations.

[mmschool]

So...an update. The problem is completely solved. It turns out that she has a major aversion to the triangular crayons that I had been using at homeschool time. I bought her a box of the twist up crayons because it had more colors, not giving it much thought. I don't like them at all because the squeak and they don't seem to really be the main colors (cerulean instead of plain old blue), however, my daughter adores them, and now does all of her own work without complaint. Who knew? I suppose the triangle crayons will just go to her brother!

Lena

dd3 - LHTH
ds1
ds - can't come soon enough.

[8arrows]

Too funny! Just to reassure you, my almost 5 year old daughter desires to do school, but not a lot makes much sense to her. So, we just do the pages as best we can. She is happy, and at some point it will click. Having several olders, I have worked way to hard when they were young only to have it click in a day or two when they were ready. I know my situation is different, but it should give you hope. As a mother of eight, I must admit to you that potty training is my least favorite motherly activity. The above-mentioned daughter struggled with that as well. But behold, one day, POOF, she could do it. No more problems. One of my daughters became potty-trained the day she could go to the bathroom at the same time as Grandma at church in different stalls. Really??? I had been working with her for AGES!! How is a mother supposed to know to take them to the church stalls and have a competition!? All that to say, potty training is hard. Just hold on!