Our obsession with time, vs a slow-paced child

[MelInKansas]

So, I know its difficult for me to see outside this, because I was raised in this American culture where time is everything and part of the value we see in something is how quickly we can get it done. But I find myself often at odds with my 4.5 year old over the slow way she does things, and the fact that she wants to discuss every little facet of everything while she is doing it. Sometimes DH and I are hard on her about this, especially at dinner time, and especially when we are planning to go somewhere after dinner. Sometimes she eats fast, but I would say the majority of the time she is very slow about eating dinner. Everyone else is already done, and she's still sitting there slowly chewing each bite. In between each bite, we are having discussions about everything from the meals we've been eating all week, what we did earlier that day, something that happened a month ago, whatever. I understand too that part of family meal time is supposed to be bonding and connecting with our children, not just trying to push them to actually eat. I would love to sit and have these leisurely conversations (if I thought she would also eat dinner too!) and not feel rushed on to the next thing.

This played itself out in school today and this is the other area in which I am struggling. I really want to get school done by lunchtime (and lately we have been starting later than usual so its not as easy to do that as it used to be, when we first started we were getting done by 11 or 11:15). My 4YO is doing reading lessons. Today as she's reading she reads "cat" and then she starts off on a whole discussion about a cat. Then "can" and we have to talk about can too. I am trying to gently nudge her back to the reading she is supposed to be doing, but then on the other hand, why not sit and discuss a cat with her for a while? I am proud of her for doing as well as she is in her reading. I know for her, she definitely feels loved and nurtured when someone does sit and talk to her and listen to all of the little things she has to say. Sometimes she finds people at a park and will just talk endlessly to them because they politely listen to her and then comes and tells me "I made a new friend."

So there is the battle within me. What more important job has God given us with our children than to show them His love? His patience, His kindness, His ear that is always turned toward every thing they want to share with Him? And yet, the Type A, the busy mother, the homeschooler with a schedule within me just screams out against such a "waste of time." The bathroom won't get cleaned when I want it to, what is that compared to showing a child my love?

Anyone else struggled with this? Anyone have any scriptures on either side of this issue, either how to encourage my heart to be patient and more loving toward my little girl, or even scriptures that will encourage my DD when it is time to focus and get a task done? Where do you fall in the spectrum of task oriented and scheduled vs relaxed and willing to go along with a child's whims (to a point)?

[Heart_Mom]

So, I know its difficult for me to see outside this, because I was raised in this American culture where time is everything and part of the value we see in something is how quickly we can get it done. But I find myself often at odds with my 4.5 year old over the slow way she does things, and the fact that she wants to discuss every little facet of everything while she is doing it. Sometimes DH and I are hard on her about this, especially at dinner time, and especially when we are planning to go somewhere after dinner. Sometimes she eats fast, but I would say the majority of the time she is very slow about eating dinner. Everyone else is already done, and she's still sitting there slowly chewing each bite. In between each bite, we are having discussions about everything from the meals we've been eating all week, what we did earlier that day, something that happened a month ago, whatever. I understand too that part of family meal time is supposed to be bonding and connecting with our children, not just trying to push them to actually eat. I would love to sit and have these leisurely conversations (if I thought she would also eat dinner too!) and not feel rushed on to the next thing.

This played itself out in school today and this is the other area in which I am struggling. I really want to get school done by lunchtime (and lately we have been starting later than usual so its not as easy to do that as it used to be, when we first started we were getting done by 11 or 11:15). My 4YO is doing reading lessons. Today as she's reading she reads "cat" and then she starts off on a whole discussion about a cat. Then "can" and we have to talk about can too. I am trying to gently nudge her back to the reading she is supposed to be doing, but then on the other hand, why not sit and discuss a cat with her for a while? I am proud of her for doing as well as she is in her reading. I know for her, she definitely feels loved and nurtured when someone does sit and talk to her and listen to all of the little things she has to say. Sometimes she finds people at a park and will just talk endlessly to them because they politely listen to her and then comes and tells me "I made a new friend."

So there is the battle within me. What more important job has God given us with our children than to show them His love? His patience, His kindness, His ear that is always turned toward every thing they want to share with Him? And yet, the Type A, the busy mother, the homeschooler with a schedule within me just screams out against such a "waste of time." The bathroom won't get cleaned when I want it to, what is that compared to showing a child my love?

Anyone else struggled with this? Anyone have any scriptures on either side of this issue, either how to encourage my heart to be patient and more loving toward my little girl, or even scriptures that will encourage my DD when it is time to focus and get a task done? Where do you fall in the spectrum of task oriented and scheduled vs relaxed and willing to go along with a child's whims (to a point)?

I'm curious to hear the other ladies' replies, but I will tell you what one older woman told me when I asked her a similar question. She said something like this ... "It's reasonable that there be certain times of day (like particular instructions times) when your child is not free to talk endlessly about anything, but that overall the atmosphere of the home should be one of patient and attentive listening to each other."

I struggle with rushing around during the day (see Proverbs 19:2), but I know that my sweet attitude is so much more important than getting all my to-do list items done! I think I need a fresh reminder of this each morning ... or maybe even every hour!

[KristinBeth]

My just-turned 5 year old is like this. She is always the last to finish eating. I always tell her she belongs in France or Spain where she can enjoy her 2 hour dinner with other leisurely diners...I, on the other hand, was done with my dinner after 5 minutes and am trying to stay at the table and not run off to clean the kitchen. She also takes time to collect her thoughts, because she wants to say things correctly, and doesn't talk fast, either! Not like me in that respect...and I'm not even a Type A!

The good news is that it is getting a little better as we've been doing school. We're in week 15 of TRL; and though she sometimes still dawdles, I have told her I need her to focus on this one task and do her best for just this 5 minutes. She has improved much over time and practice. "Let's just read this sentence list and then you can ask the question." I want her to feel heard, but I do my best to encourage her to pay attention to the (very short!) lesson. The very short part is what makes it work (thank you, Charlotte Mason).

My daughter also wants to do something with me all the time. So while I'd rather be cleaning up (or writing on my blog or looking at things online ) I have to focus myself on giving her some time, and then telling her what I need to do next so she'll know I expect her to do something independently for awhile. Then I tell her I'll come back for a story or a game when I'm finished with the (insert chore here).

[MelInKansas]

Kristin,

Yes my DD does that too (wants to be with me all the time). Actually I've made it work for me in that I will often include her in my household work and she loves that! She can talk to me all she wants and I find ways for her to keep her hands busy and at least seem like she is helping. She also loves to go grocery shopping with me. I often go in the evening or on weekends, because if I take the whole crew A) my 2 year old generally finds something to throw a tantrum about and B) I find I can't focus enough to be able to make wise decisions about what I am buying. So when I go I am willing to take 1-2 children with me (except the 2 YO only on rare occasions), my oldest almost never wants to go, but my 4YO always wants to go along. She's still small enough to sit in the cart and we chat and she points things out to me, we try grocery samples, and I do really enjoy that time with her. She loves to feel that she's helping me.

I don't suppose that would work for writing blog posts though.

[Tansy]

We have this problem with My younger one during school and Older one during dinner. After 30-45 minutes of them talking non stop at dinner we have 5-10 minute eating breaks. Mom and Dad get to talk w/o interruption while they eat.

School was getting really off track with my younger one the queen of tangents. I now make her hold all discussion of the topic at hand until the end of my teaching. Often questions she would interrupt me with are answered in the text and observations are always welcome in the narration portion.

I had tears the first time I instituted this in school but only once. Outside of school is ok until my chatter box is full then I request 5 minutes of silence.

[Robbi]

I think it sounds like you have a really good handle on the balance between these two valid tempos! I agree that during school and a few other times that have a time limit it's ok to impose that time limit. I have heard (& used with my own dc) the phrase "Move with a purpose!" It works well for things like getting out the door or in/out of vehicle! My DD7 used to be more chatty like that than she is now so I also want to say, enjoy it while you have it!! And then its sounds like the rest of the day you let her chatter away. Good job Mom!!

[MelInKansas]

Thank you for the encouraging words. It is good to look and see that we do have very good moments between us and hopefully she is encouraged by them as well. What I am ashamed of is when I have the days where most of my words to her are negative or critical. She is a difficult child for me to deal with sometimes, mainly because she is very different from me, but I do love her greatly and of course God does too!

My fear is that somehow I will program her to become this fast-paced person or make her feel bad that she's not that way when it seems to me like this is just how she is made. I talk about culture with it too because I have lived overseas, and there are other countries where time is not valued as highly and relationships are valued more highly. Sometimes I think, even though I fit very well into the time-based culture, they probably have it right. Like Mary and Martha, Mary sat at Jesus's feet and paid attention to what was important, in spite of all the tasks around her that needed to get done. In that place I would have been Martha for sure!

[Robbi]

Hmmm . . . I know what you are saying about a faster pace and not wanting to change your DD. I think you've made the most important first step of recognizing it!! That in itself will help you give her the time she needs whenever you can. None of us do everything right all the time so don't feel bad when you don't do a perfect job! Also, I think it's ok to teach her the value of time; being on time for things like, church or meeting other people, or tv program comes on at certain time, school needs done at a certain time, etc.!

[mmschool]

I have a daughter that can be very pokey too. I am trying to think through the different situations carefully. So, for example, if she gets distracted by something in the car while her brother and I are cooking in the sun (desert sun!) then I point out to her that this is a point where she needs to have consideration for others. We are hot and she is holding us up, so she needs to stay on task and get herself out of the car. On the other hand, I try to balance that with the fact that if I am unloading groceries for twenty minutes and she wants to pick up every blessed item off of the car floor on her way out (so it takes her twenty minutes to unload herself from the vehicle), really who is that hurting? So I am trying to balance the situation where there is a real issue of consideration for others versus the time when I roll my eyes because we are looking at EVERY SINGLE PICTURE of the book to ask, what is that boy doing? what is that girl doing?

I read a book once that talked about immoral acts of children versus the simply annoying. We are trying to discipline sin out of their lives but not necessarily anything else about them. So, I try to look at it through this lens, am I seeing selfishness through lack of consideration of the needs of others or is this a case where I want to rebuke her because she is annoying me? The former cases call for some mild correction, but the latter cases I should probably hold my tongue and comment on every picture of the book. (She loves the 2/3 devotional for LHTH because every picture has at LEAST 27 things or people to examine or comment on before we can close the book.)

Lena
dd3 - LHTH
ds1

[kzacarkim]

Hand Prints On The Wall
by Anonymous

One day as I was picking
the toys up off the floor,
I noticed a small hand print
on the wall beside the door.

I knew that it was something
that I'd seen most every day,
but this time when I saw it there
I wanted it to stay.

Then tears welled up inside my eyes,
I knew it wouldn't last
for every mother knows
her children grow up way too fast.

Just then I put my chores aside
and held my children tight.
I sang to them sweet lullabies
and rocked into the night.

Sometimes we take for granted,
all those things that seem so small.
Like one of God's great treasures...
A small hand print on the wall.


I struggle with that sometimes... came across this poem....made me think of how much I'll miss my kids being little and how much I'll miss being needed when they grow up.... I pray God gives me patience to slow down, enjoy them, and somehow get my housework done.