At my wit's end with ds9...again.

[Tansy]

One thing I would like to share with you about my child is her brain is like a childs' treasure box. All the information I have put in her brain is in there. It comes out at the weirdest times. Yet her brain is not organized it's a mess. It takes her 3-4 times longer to access information because instead of being a filing cabinet its that messy treasure box. Often informations is stored with emotions on the non-dominate side of her brain. For the longest time she just got MAD when she had to do math... her therapist wasn't surprised. She was mad when she learned Math and it got stored in with her emotions. She remembers those emotions when remembers the math facts. Something to think about... brain dominance or lack of a dominate side can effect learning/behavior/ability.

Sticker charts didn't work for her either, unless it was a huge prize I so know where you are at. But what if that prize isn't expensive. It looks to me that what he wants from you is face time. What if the big prize was a walk to the park with Mom?

I also have seen IF then Charts really helped My dd.

Do you see a lack of impulse control? and is his logic on target for his age? My dd is still very much a 2 year old when it comes to logical thinking. Some times I have to stop myself and reassess why am I angry? Ok how old is she acting? Ok she's acting 4.. and this amount of work is wayyyyy over her head today... (cause tomorrow she may be in a 11 year old place) When her therapist started making me do that, Stop and assess her age. MY attitude changed. Whoa she just can't do it today, would I get upset if a 4 year old couldn't do multiplication? no I wouldn't. Is the child being disobedient or just overwhelmed. Its a fine line to walk everyday. It's very frustrating. I can look back and see days in which she just wasn't all there. Then I provoked her even more with my demands that she be what I expected her to be... cause your 11 act your age.. which some days she just can't.

[Annette]

With all due respect to those who insist that spanking is the only effective discipline for defiant children, I have most definitely found that NOT to be true with my Asperger's son who has sensory issues. With "normal" kids, I would say yes that's probably the best consequence. However, spanking is only one tool in a parent's disciplinary toolbox. But when a kid has hyper sensitivity to pain or has trouble making connections of cause and effect or is slow to process that A is happening because of B,and has great difficulty retrieving that information the next time he's about to engage in out of control behavior, then often a spanking only stirs the kid up worse. Sometimes, I find it almost humorous to read advice from parents whose kids don't have actual psychiatric/mental health disorders. They just can't seem to wrap their head around the concept that a child could possibly have something biological going on in their brain that is a HUGE contributing factor to their outbursts. Yet in all honesty, if I hadn't had a kid myself who lives with the challenge of Asperger's,ADHD, with all the sensory, emotional,and social struggles that come with those conditions, I'd probably think the same way. Sorry, but parents with "regular" kids who are just strong willed have no clue about this stuff. Just as I have no clue of the struggles that an addict faces.

Sue, there will always be people to tell you you're doing it wrong. If you go natural and holistic with alternative therapies,there will be people who accuse you of being New Age. If you go with medications, sometimes the people who are into all the natural stuff will try to convince you that you're "poisoning" your kid. (My SIL tried to pull THAT doodoo on me). And just cuz someone is a Christian, doesn't mean they won't try to push their method on you and have a tizzy if you don't follow their sage advice. What helped me get through some of that is realizing that most people do want to be helpful and have hearts that are in the right place, but also realizing that many many people don't know as much as they think they do.

You DO have what it takes to effectively parent your son, not because of who you are but because of who God is. He chose you to be your son's mom,and God doesn't make mistakes. If God has directed you to homeschool, then yes, you can do it,even though you might FEEL like you can't. Your emotions are just a part of you, not the end all and be all of who you are. Feelings can change. Of course, you need to do what God directs you to do for your son, but that very well may be continuing to homeschool cuz I hate to break it to you,but generally speaking kids with those particular challenges do tend to do better in homeschool settings than within a ps classroom. (Sorry, but that piece of advice came from our probably non Christian pediatrician. He was 100 % behind our homeschooling Michael for elementary school.)

Anyway, sorry to ramble, but I have VERY strong feelings about this topic. (Like I have to point out the obvious! LOL)

HUGS!

Annette

[Sue G in PA]

Hugs right back at all of you! Thanks so much for the super-encouraging, "you can do it" posts. I so needed to hear that b/c the enemy has been working overtime telling me that I can't. I went to hear a super-awesome revivalist preacher tonight at my old church. This guy can preach, let me tell you! Anyway, during the altar call, as he was praying for people he stopped at me and just told me to look at him b/c God has a word for me. And it was exactly this: That somebody or some THING (Satan) has been telling me lies, telling me that I cannot do something and God wanted me to know that I can. There was more to it, but I honestly forgot so much of it b/c I was crying! It was a great service.

Shannon, we used to spank. Long, long time ago a dear friend introduced us to the Pearls method and we tried it...but it made me sick. I am not against spanking, but it just isn't for us, kwim? I also read a website with a very long and intriguing commentary on the Hebrew meaning of the word "rod". It was "shebet" which was actually a staff, much like that used by a shepherd to herd sheep and that a shepherd would never use that staff to strike the sheep...only to firmly but gently guide them in the direction they should go. Does that makes sense? But, as a pp said...spanking is a disciplinary tool and not the only one. All that rambling to say...I totally do not judge anyone who uses that tool.

Another side-note...my ds10 an ds12 have taken to doing most of their Preparing work at night before bed. Odd, but it works for them. That leaves me more time to work with ds9 in the am. I'm hoping this will work out. And, I am also looking to purchase Bigger Hearts to see if that might be a better fit for him.

[tnahid]

Very wise advice, Annette. I agree. Thank your for that insight.

[Happy2bMommyof3]

Not to beat a dead horse on the spanking issue, nor to be argumentative, the "shevet" in Hebrew has several meanings. True, It can mean a shepherd's staff, but it can also mean a branch or stick for fighting, ruling or walking; a staff for striking, chastening; a thrashing stick; a ruler's sceptor; a stem or tribe of the Israelites; a family; a measuring rod... as with all scripture we have to be careful to take verses as they are in context. Scripture interprets scripture as I'm sure we all know. We also must be careful to give it the meaning that the author intended instead of interpreting it according to how we feel in a "what does this mean to me" sort of way. The shevet in Proverbs 10:13, 13:24, 23:13-14 has a different meaning than the one in Psalm 23 that we are so familiar with. None of us who spank enjoy spanking, and at times we do feel sick to have to do it, but afterwards we can see the Lord working through that act of obedience and in a supernatural way he produces fruit from it in our sweet children. I pray the best for all of us here on this board seeking to raise our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. May we teach our children His truth and His ways. May we teach them to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

"Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter. Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man" Ecclesiastes 12:13

[4Hispraise]

I am going to echo the pp who recommended Shepherding a Child's Heart...but with a caution... if your child has any unique needs it can lead to self-hatred in the child, a feeling of "I can never do anything right." And truthfully, he may not be capable of obedience. My ds has severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - there were times that obeying me was so stressful because it caused such horrible panic in him (i.e. if I pick up that dirty sock I left there, like Mom said, then I won't be able to get my hands clean or if I touch my brother's toys, I will have his germs and I will get sick). He would obey me, but then spend the rest of the day in melt down because he could not get his hands clean. We lost a lot of school to soap and water! My ds was in a constant battle over obedience and his panic over germs! And school...whew! If he made any mistake, he had to start over. He couldn't erase and move on. The erasure mark made it unacceptable and his mind kept telling him it wasn't right. School would start at 8 and we wouldn't be done by 8 at night. I just would cry at night and beg God to call me to put him in ps.

We did everything we thought was right and used every great resource...but it wasn't until we had him diagnosed and I learned to handle his uniqueness...and just as importantly...or more importantly, he learned to handle his uniqueness, that we saw any success with anything. IF your child could have some unique needs (and I am not saying he does), I would encourage you to educate yourself about them. He may not need a doctor, just a little extra direction. I have to confess, it takes a lot of extra work on everyone's part in our home to help teach my ds to manage his OCD, but it is worth it! Two years ago, I was right where you are, only with less kiddos. There may be simple things that you and, more importantly, he can learn to do to deal with any uniqueness. From my personal experience, I have to say, I wish that I would have gotten my son help sooner! He is such an incredible kiddo, but back then...I felt hopeless, powerless and useless. I was so frustrated and just did not know where to turn. I don't know, and maybe I am not saying anything helpful...but God knows exactly what you need! I have prayed for you several times, asking God to give you wisdom to KNOW what to do and the COURAGE and STRENGTH to follow through! I don't have any answers, but I know that once my son was diagnosed and we learned how to help him deal with his unique gift, he became much more cooperative about school because he became capable of obeying...that is just my experience...hope it helps!

Praying for better days for you all! Shelly

[frankesense]

I'm so sorry! A resource that has been invaluable to me is the book "Help for the Harried Homeschooler" by Christine M. Field. It's one of the most balanced and helpful books on homeschooling I've ever seen. I have prayed that God would guide you - that He would give you wisdom and discernment and that His peace would rule over your heart and mind.

Stephanie

[Annette]

Heather,
You made an excellent point about the definition for rod. I do believe it is speaking specifically about a chastening rod in that particular verse, but the definition of a guiding staff could also apply as well. I am not anti spanking. I just don't think it's the solution to every act of disobedience all the time in every child. I don't know of any place in the Bible where it says that spanking is the ONLY way to correct a child. I do appreciate that no one here has labeled me as some ungodly heathen because of my point of view. Actually, in some ways I'm probably way more uber traditional than the vast majority of you girls. LOL! I'm definitely an eclectic mix,which makes life challenging,but very interesting too.

Annette

[Carrie]

Ladies,

This is a wonderful discussion that is being done in a very Christian way, and I am grateful for each of you who has taken time to respond. I am so encouraged by the ladies on this board and the way that each of us seek to turn to Scripture and to the Lord as the true source for answers. I want to end this discussion at this point as I feel that we have thoroughly discussed the poster's original question in relation to HOD. Thank you to all who posted. You are a shining example of the Lord's command for us to strive to live for His glory.

Blessings,
Carrie