OT: Disobedience....at a loss

[my3sons]

inHistiming - I think we have some special challenges with our dc as we fill the role of both parents and teachers for them. Know that many of us have gone or are going through many of the same things you are. Thank you for sharing the examples - they really help. Would you say that many of the things are chore-related, or "this is how we do this task" related? I think some dc just are somewhat scattered in their thinking and can't (or don't) easily commit to memory the particulars of what we consider a chore/task done right.

A few years back, we started realizing we were not requiring much of anything from our middle ds, but rather our older ds was doing it all. They both liked this. Our older ds because he was control of everything, and our middle ds because he didn't have to do anything. When we realized this, it was almost like we all "ganged up" on our middle ds, and he just became discouraged. If they feel like they are disconnected from the family, or have siblings tattling on them and us constantly taking the siblings' side no matter what, they are hurting about that inside (even if it seems to always be their fault). We decided also that our ds had no ranking of what we were upset with him for. For example, he would feel equally "in trouble" for the lying as he did for putting the towels away incorrectly. We also realized we really had not trained him carefully do chores and had not checked up on him enough initially. This was not how we'd gone about it with our older ds, so my dh and I talked about the need for him to have his own chore chart, with just a few chores we taught him very carefully how to do, that the chores stayed the same for a year, and that we made a point to check up on those chores only. If he did them incorrectly, we took the time to show him how to do it again properly. If it was not on his chore chart, we let it go. If he lied (or other obvious character issues), the consequence was greater. He and I went on "dates" together for awhile to build our relationship up, and my dh got him a 3-wheeler and began to ride with him and took him fishing more along with big brother. All of these things have made a world of difference, but it's taken awhile.

It may help if you decide what things are worth battling over. What are the biggies, and what can you purposely let go with the thought that focusing on a few good habits first will do wonders and free up time to focus on other habits later? A chore chart she can mark off, with chores you've carefully showed her and had her practice that stay the same for a long period of time would help. (You may want to do this for everyone though, so she doesn't feel singled out or like it's a disciplinary measure.) It also helps my ds to say "this is about a 10 minute chore", so I'll check on you then, etc. Then, high 5's, "way to go's", "I'm proud of you!" for things done right go a long way. My dh and I made it a point to talk about that ds especially and what he began doing right, within earshot of him but not directly to him, so he knew we had good things to say about his progress. He had begun to feel like we had hardly anything good to say about him otherwise.

Also, having her join back in the playtime as much as possible would be good. Maybe a special hot cocoa time with you now and then, or a walk alone together just to talk to her and build your relationship with her would help. I tried to work really hard on my relationship with my middle ds and continue to do so. It's good now, but it took a lot of work. I want my dc to feel like they are my favorite people to be with, but that takes some real prayer, training, and special plans to make that statement really be true. As far as the math, she could work out the ones she misses, and I'd also tell her if she gets "x" number right from the start, she can be done (which may encourage her to work them out anyway). (You can star the ones she has to do, and say once you get 10 right of these starred problems, you're done, etc.). I hope something can help here, but from experience I can tell you it's best to make choices about what to enforce and what not to, as doing it all just right is not something dc of this bent can do right away. HTH!

In Christ,
Julie

[countrymom]

I don't have time to read all of the responses right now, so forgive me if I am repeating. We do have a higher maintenance child in our home , and these are some of the things we do.
- We use the 5 finger obedience plan: 1)"yes mommy" (a required verbal response), 2) I'll obey (the actual act of obedience), 3) right away, 4) all the way, 5) in the happy way. When we don't get obedience as outlined, we immediately ask which fingers are missing. Our children know this is full obedience in our house.
- Consistency, consistency, which can drive you crazy with a high maintenance child, but they need it even more
- lots of verbal recognition and praise when appropriate (exp from this morning, You came right away without complaining when I called you - great job!) I try very hard to give lots of positives all day long - sometimes easier said than done
- When it comes to school, we have outlined what we expect from our children. When I am not getting it I will instruct the child and if he still continues I simply say "Mommy will go do a chore now and when I am done I will see if you are ready to do school properly." The child sits in his time out chair while I am doing my chore.
- we do use privileges as you mentioned and try to find the best ones that are as immediate and meaningful as possible. I have found with our harder child the threat of loss of privilege is not as effective because it doesn't happen right then. I try hard to have an immediate consequence for him, but if I can't I make sure the consequence is one that he will really feel.
Don't know if that helps at all. It can be hard. Definitely pray. I'll be praying for you.

[inHistiming]

Thanks so much to everyone for all of the responses. I always know I can come here and get some good, solid advice from the hearts of others who love Him and who have a true desire to help others to walk more easily along the path of Christ. You all are like a second family, almost.

It has been a tough, overwhelming year for us. There have been many good things, but even good things can be overwhelming at times. And over the next several months we have more things to do that are bound to be stressful. I know, at least for me, that is part of the problem. I plan to save this thread so I can read over it easily, without having to search for it later. There is such great advice. I do need to spend more time with this dc, pick my battles, be more consistent.....getting down to actually doing it all is another thing. This 'issue' is a large part of what has been affecting my ability to choose a curriculum for the two older kids as well. So everything together has just been a bit much. I need to take a step back, look at things without the emotion, and make a decision....and that has been difficult. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who has responded. I am considering all of it and I so appreciate the time and effort it took to give your opinions.