Individual Identities?

[mrsrandolph]

One of the things I love best about homeschooling is how close my four children are to one another.

However, my oldest (10) was adopted and began having some issues. When I spoke to an adoption specialist, she talked to me about the importance of her developing her own identity apart from her siblings.

That got me thinking...I really had never thought of it before. But they are ALWAYS together. They take piano, but at the same time. When we socialize with our friends and go on playdates, they are with other kids, but their siblings are still there as well.

How do you help your children develop identities apart from their siblings? Or do you even think it is important?

I KNOW we don't have time to enroll every child in a different sport!!

I'd love your thoughts!

[joyfulhomeschooler]

This interests me as well. Hoping you get some answers

[countrymom]

Our boys, ages 6 and 8, are together all the time as well and are only 19 months apart. Personally, I see this as a huge plus for them. They are like night and day, and the oldest has recognized this for some time now. Dh and I make sure we have conversations to the affect that we are all different and we all have been given something special, maybe a skill, a personality characteristic, whatever. We make sure they know that is ok and we try to champion their differences to a certain degree ( I do think one could go overboard on this). Perhaps in a larger family these types of conversations get lost in the shuffle a little more, but it would be a conversation I would try to have both individually and as a family from time to time. We really emphasize family to our boys, we always talk about how because we are a family we are safe, secure, and happy. We talk about the positives of having family to support us, help us through problems, and just be there for us. Both of our boys are adopted so maybe we emphasize that a little more, but we would do the same if they were biological.
I'll admit my sensors are strong for anything that resembles the self-esteem movement of the early 70's that is still with us today in very robust form. Therefore the idea of having every child in his or her own sport so he/she can have his own place to shine makes me somewhat leery, although I certainly am not trying to imply organized sports are bad. I do believe a large family, by trying to have each child in his or her own activity becomes so stretched and frazzled the positives are far outweighed by the negatives of such a situation. I do think it is important for a parent to take an individual child with them from time to time, even if it is just a quick trip to the store. We do try to see that both boys get a little bit of one-on-one parent time.
One other thought, adoptive children are going to go through rough spots from time to time and they do sometimes suffer from identity type of issues. I have made a lifebook (different from a baby book) for both of my boys and I see this as so important for them. They both love their lifebook. This is their special book with their special story. It wasn't easy for me to write them, but I do see it as a very important tool for them to use to digest their story and identity. A great book to understand what an adoption lifebook is and how to create one is "Lifebooks, Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child" by Beth O'Malley.

[my3sons]

Just having our sons in different HOD guides has helped them with their own identities. Though I wouldn't choose guides based on this, it has been a natural part of them being in different guides. They each have their own time to shine, which has been a blessing for our situation.

Outside of this, I like to try to recognize our dc's different interests and talents by trying a lot of different things and letting them do them on their own. We do this in the home setting. To give some examples, Wyatt loves sweets (he gets this from me ). He also loves to bake. So, we have bought him a donut maker, and he often makes donuts for everyone in the morning (usually on a morning of his choice once a week). He also makes homemade popcorn on the stovetop for our family movie nights on Sunday night. We all LOVE this! He makes cookies with Emmett for their playtime together, and he even puts an apron and chef's hat on Emmett, as Emmett loves to dress up. He loves the outdoors, so all of his chores are outdoors (i.e. feed the dogs and cats, clean the kennels, get the mail, shovel the snow, etc.). He likes to help mend things too, so we have a sewing machine he uses to fix things. He is currently sewing a knight's costume for his cousin, Shaw, for a movie Shaw is putting together. He also is the glue-gun guy - fixing whatever needs to be hot glue gun fixed (from nerf bullets to wooden things). Wyatt loves to read too, so we are always on a quest to find new books for him. He likes to work with my dh on building projects, so last summer they built a cat house for our kittens, complete with 3 levels, cat doors, and straw and cushions. Right now they are redoing one of the bedrooms upstairs together (knocking down plaster, redoing the walls, ceiling, putting in a closet, laying hardwood floor, etc.), and this will eventually be his room. He loves to fish and hunt as well, and my dh does this with all the boys. He enjoys physical activity of any kind, so he loves to shoot hoops and play tag, noodle wars, etc. with the cousins. He enjoys animals, so we got 3 kittens and we have always had 2 dogs. He can often be seen out our window in the mornings taking time with each one. He likes to use his 3-wheeler and trailer to pick up sticks and better the look of the property. He also loves to plant, weed, and maintain our garden with me.

My middle ds, Riley, is more mechanical, hands-on, and artistic. He loves to do perler beads, circuit sets, and erector sets. He is our official battery-changer. He builds complex KNex sets and leg0 sets, and he fixes anything he can with a screwdriver. He LOVES his 3-wheeler and rides it all over the yard. He also enjoys figuring out remote controlled planes and cars, and fixing them when they inevitably break. If we have a toaster or something that breaks, Riley begs to take them apart just to see their inner-workings. Riley builds catapults, boats, and loves to make his own creations using KNex pieces and motors. He likes to tell stories and makes up some whoppers that his younger brother loves to hear! He also likes to draw intricate airplanes, and keep track of races with his hot wheels cars on tracks of his making. He also likes origami projects. He saws things apart and nails them together just for fun, and I am hoping this develops into him being my handy-man someday. He puts on my necklaces, brings me coffee each morning, and makes my smoothies because he likes to show love by doing. I love this too! He adores board games such as Axis and Allies, and Memoir 44. Wyatt and he play these late into the night, and often over the span of weeks.

My youngest ds loves to act and sing! He dresses up in any costumes he can find, loves to wear cowboy hats and boots, and loves to act out dramatic things. He also enjoys making up stories about his stuffed animals doing crazy things, and he is really very funny. He loves music, so he often runs the family IPod. He chooses songs for the morning routine, and plays them LOUD. I often have to tell him to turn down the music. He enjoys tractors and dirt, and is out there all the time getting dirty. He also loves to ride his 3-wheeler around the yard and does this more and more. He loves to draw pictures and write "I love you" notes to everyone, and often delivers them. He is my gift giver, and often uses his allowance to buy tic tacs for one of his brothers, or to buy cotton candy for another, or lifesavers for my dh (expecting them to share with him though ). Wyatt often dresses Emmett up for school projects and has him join in with this or that acting part, which Emmett adores. He likes to be-bop around and dance, and is always putting on a "show" for us on the playset outdoors or with a microphone indoors. He would always choose to be with people instead of alone.

Anyway, how this looks in the day that recognizes individual identities, is if a battery needs changing or something needs fixing, everyone says, "Go get, Riley, he's good at that!" Or, if we are all wishing we had something sweet to eat, we beg Wyatt to make dessert or donuts, and everyone says, "Wyatt, we are dying for you to make donuts! You HAVE to!" Or, if we are needing some music to pep us up, we'll get Emmett and say, "Emmett, we need to happy up with some music, what do you have for us?" If the lawn needs picking up, everyone just knows Wyatt will head it up and they need to listen to him. If something needs fixing mechanically, everyone knows to give it to Riley. If one of Emmett's activities is acting out something, everybody tries to join in and let him really ham it up for them, as they know they'll be in for a treat and he will love it too! If it's not a windy day, and we all are looking for some entertainment, we ask Riley to fly his RC helicopter outside to wow us with his expertise. Wyatt heads up the garden, and everyone does his bidding. Riley is the carrot peeler, the potato peeler, and the apple peeler of the house - and he loves it and is great at it. Emmett sings praise music for us on the way to church and chooses the songs for us to listen to on the IPod. And the list could go on. If you are still reading yet, what I was trying to get across and I'm not sure I did was that we have tried all these things with our dc, but each latched on to different things more strongly than others. They each are better at some things than others, and we go to each other for those things according to who is best at them. There is not competition there, but rather an understanding of how everyone can be helpful to the family and to running a house, outdoor stuff, pets, etc. Talking to each other not in the sense that someone is bad at something but rather in the sense that we need each of us for different things because of how God created us each has made them enjoy each other's gifts and interests rather than compete with them. So, I guess I'd say to try a lot of different things, both in helping in the household and in playing/creating/building things, and see where each child shines. Then, teaching each other to recognize that and use it as a help in a good way within the framework of keeping the house running together is a great, practical way to celebrate each person's gifts/interests. Hope something here helps!

In Christ,
Julie

[psreit]

My almost 10yodd is also adopted. She has 3 siblings, but they are adults, which could add to our situation. But, I think some of it may be the age. My dd is kind of back and forth with still wanting to be a 'little girl' and wanting to be 'older'. Maybe your dd is beginning to feel that way. Considering that she is the oldest, maybe you could give her more 'grown-up' responsibilities. That would help her feel important and it would be something that only she gets to do because she's older. If it is possible, an activity separate from the siblings would probably be good. It sounds like she has a good relationship with her siblings, but she will need space, as she is now entering those years of 'maturing'. Keep reminding her that God has a special plan for her life, and be open to allowing her to thrive in areas she is gifted and things she is interested in. My dd has dyslexia, so the 3 R's are a challenge for her. But, she loves music and art, so I want to build her confidence in these areas. She feels 'dumb' because she can't do certain things like other kids her age. She had mild CP, so weakness on her left side keeps her from being athletic and she does not even ride a two-wheel bike yet. So, building on strengths is something I am trying to work at. Make stronger the positive things.

[MomtoJGJE]

Our kids are always together. Other than many many fights I do not see this as a bad thing. I don't think outside of abuse you can make a child have any identity. Our kids are all complete opposites... We have never treated them the same because they don't let us treat them the same.

They all do the same activities because we cannot do separate activities for each of them, however they have different strengths and weaknesses. Where one might excel at a sport, another might just be so-so, and another might not like it at all and choose to sit out for that season. We do talk about how different people are made differently and isn't it neat how all of them have different colored eyes?! (or some other thing that they don't tie to beauty, like hair, or something they can't practice and be better at for instance). We talk all the time about OURSELVES and our strengths and weaknesses and how that's how God designed us... but that doesn't mean we don't have to work on things we are good at and are not good at equally as much. There is always room for improvement, etc.

And example from our home....

Jayden has always been the one people are amazed with regarding memory verses in AWANA. She's good at it, but she does have to work a bit... It comes naturally, but it's not like she has a photographic memory... However she sets goals and strives to reach them each year! Grace is also good at it... but not as good as Jayden... but mainly because she just doesn't choose to work hard on it. That's fine... she's still progressing and she's happy with her rate! Then you add in Julianna. Oh my is she amazing... She's two years behind Grace and has almost caught up with her. But she's number three, completely in the middle, and people don't seem to dote all over her about it. Now that hurts me a bit... because she's so proud of herself. But then, I realized.... she doesn't care. She's learning the verses because she wants to know more about GOD! It has nothing to do with recognition or goals or rewards. She loves God. Period.

Through that we have talked with them about priorities, internal and external motivation, contentment, etc. They are all from the same family... all have the same routine... all have the same levels of AWANA at the same ages. They are all different. They know they are different. They embrace the differences. But they are only separate for about 5 hours total each week.