strong willed children

[rod_squad]

I've got 3. Yikes. I must have been really hard as a child to reap this! . Wanting to hear your best advice for dealing with this. My ds5 is manageable now which is a blessing but my dd3 has picked up where he left off and my ds1.5 is beginning to pick up speed. I'd read a book but I'm so tired I just collapse at night. I need wonderful wisdom fast! Thanks in advance. Sarah

[annaz]

Ah....I have one. I think there's a reason I had one.

No books ever helped me. In fact I bought a slew of them, but only a handful of things worked for me.

ACTION, not words.
FOLLOW THROUGH. (Record yourself sometime)
One warning, no strike "three's" as she'd take it that far.
Consequences that were logical didn't work. I took away something she loved!
Don't engage. That means don't go into a paragraph of "becauses", don't bicker, etc.
Lots of hugs as my dd NEEDS it.

If I had to pull the car over, I did. 1st try.
If I gave her an inch she took a mile.

((()))
and
HTH.

(and there's about 15 books all rolled into one. )

[rod_squad]

That's exactly what I was looking for...all the books rolled into one comment. Thanks a million. I hear strong willed children make excellent adults!

[annaz]

I surely hope so. She just about killed me from 1 year through age 8! Now she's sweet as pie.

[LovingJesus]

Just agreeing with what has already been said. I also agree that it gets easier when they turn 8.

I have 3 strong willed children. I didn't realize how much they were strong willed, until my compliant child (3rd) was born.

My summary is very similar:

*ACTION, not words.
*What they love will always matter far more than something that is a natural consequence. They can tough out the cold without a jacket. A compliant child will cry without the jacket and learn from the natural consequence experience. The strong willed will run around and stay warm to prove they were right.
* No warnings. Even one warning with my kids means a slight attitude. No warnings will actually change their heart attitudes, and help bring them into a place of respect for authority which is what all of us parents of strong willed children have to earn.
* I am really not convinced that they want to please me, but I think somewhere deep down they really do want to please like all children.
* Strange consequences that come without warning can work, that would never work on a compliant child. (for example, a car ride)
* Letting them cry it out as babies or toddlers will not work. The sun may rise before they are finished trying to prove they are boss. Another way has to be found.
* They need a ton of LOVE and reassurance that they are completely accepted and loved for the person God made them to be. Strong, but like all humans weak. It is that weak place inside them that needs God as their Savior, and somehow we have to help them find it.

I LOVE my kids. All of them. May you enjoy the journey. It does get easier as we go.

In Christ,

P.S. A funny moment happened last week due to DITHOR. I have have never told my children that they are strong willed, or used that label around them. My oldest son was doing his DITHOR for his book on Thomas Edison. The question was asking how he is like Thomas Edison. His answer was, "I am strong willed just like Thomas Edison." It made me laugh. I was also amazed by his self perception and understanding at age 8 that none of us have ever shared with him. This is the child that at age 2 fought bed time until the sun rose. I am happy to say that at age 8 he is mostly very easy to raise and loves Jesus. Praise the Lord.

[mom23]

Wish we had a "Like" button on here These are helpful for all of us-thanks for this thread!

[sharonb]

Yes, thank you for this thread! My 5yo is the definition of strong-willed, and 3yo is a lot like him. They test my patience on a regular basis. On a positive note, they are both really smart, so teaching them is fun. (Not that my other children aren't smart, because they are! I've just been noticing it more in the 3yo and 5yo a lot lately.)

[psreit]

OK! Since we are on this topic, I would like to ask what to do with a strong-willed 1 year old. I am not exaggerating. The 'foster' child we have is VERY strong-willed. She just turned 1 in October and I have known this for months. She is a very bright little girl and she lets us know when something doesn't suit her. Some examples: She's a climber, and when gotten off of something to keep her from getting hurt, she often throws herself and screams because she isn't allowed to do as she wants. She knows where the snack drawer is, and just this morning, I told her 'no' when she opened it and wanted to get something out. She held on for dear life (she's VERY strong) and screamed because I wouldn't let her have what she wanted. Just a few examples. I never had this with any of our biological or adopted children. It's very difficult to know how to handle it sometimes.

[sharonb]

Pam-
Both my 3yo and 5yo were obviously strong-willed even as infants, so I know how hard that can be. I'm trying to think back and remember what I did then... Really, you just have to be persistant. At 1yo, they really aren't going to listen to "no" that well, even if you swat their hand or whatever. Removing them from the situation or just staying right there with them is all you can do sometimes. My 3yo and 5yo are the only ones who ever climbed out of the crib. It didn't matter if I tried to discipline them for this; they would still jump out as soon as I left the room. For their safety, we switched them to the toddler bed at this point. As for climbing, getting into stuff in the kitchen, etc, supervision is really the only good solution at age 1. The good news is, it gets MUCH better. My 3yo and 5yo are still strong-willed, but I can trust them for the most part. Our main issues seem to be related to my telling 5yo to clean his room and he doesn't want to do it or things like that. Or 5yo will get stressed that he can't find one of his shoes and just melt down. 3yo will get upset if she wants something and I say no, and she'll scream sometimes, but she does listen to me. We still have a ways to go, but they are much easier than they were at age 1.

When I was pregnant with #6 I prayed and prayed that this baby would be mellow and content, because #4 and #5 were the type that cried a LOT as infants (which totally makes sense seeing their personalities now). When #5 was a baby, she would rather cry for hours than to take a bottle (which means I only left her with dh for more than a couple of hours ONCE, until she was well over a year old). Anyway, God answered my prayers, and baby #6 has been so much easier. He is so content most of the time.

[annaz]

I agree to physically remove her from the situation. 20 times if necessary! Then ignore the screaming. If she sees that the screaming doesn't work either, then soon that'll be done with...or usually with a strong-willed child, they'll move on to another type of reaction to get you going. Then we go to round 2.

[Heidi in AK]

This is a great thread, and I'm glad it's here. I'm dealing with a weird situation. Academically, DD does GREAT with HOD, but I've watched her shut down on the Biblical stuff, and that scares me.

Annaz, thanks for your words. I am really praying to refrain from yelling/getting angry/letting it obviously get to me. UGH. I am so tired, and DS is starting to pick up some aggressive behaviors as a result of being hit/bit by DD. Yikes!!!

[blessedmom]

I have quite a few here too!
Consistency is sooo the key and such the hard part, even with the 1 yr old.
Those strong willed babies understand everything, they just don't want us to believe it .
Be careful what you say no to. Be sure you are willing to stand firm on that no. If you give in because of sreaming, the children just learn to scream more.
That was actually hard at my house with my ds who is now 2.5. I have 3 daughters, dd11, dd8, and dd6.
They all wanted to give ds what he wanted because they couldn't take the crying and screaming. I had to encourge them not to give him what he cried and screamed for.
It was hard to convince them of this, but I can now see how it is paying off. The rule in our house is that ds never gets what he cries and screams for. it has been hard on some days, but he has learned and continues to learn.
You can also help them find something else to interest them, but with the strong willed ones that typically doesn't work.
They just really have to learn how much you love them and that you truly are in charge . It reassures them to know that you are consistently in charge.
They just want to test it all the time My baby, ds2.5, is super strong willed. With him being #4, I have finally learned not to take the kicking and screaming personally.
He is just frustrated and mad at the situation because he wants what he wants and he wants it now. I have finally seen that I am his helper and I need to help him learn that he truly can not have everything he wants right now. It just is not reality. Being smart is helpful in this . My ds has learned so much earlier that he has to wait his turn. I consistenly set a timer for turn taking; i have one on my watch . He knows that I am consistent in that (most of the time) and that he can trust that he will get a turn, he just has to wait. So then I help him find something to do while he waits his turn. If it is something he wants that is not for him, such as mommy's purse or something that is not safe, it is just always no. Sometimes in his fits, I just hold him, letting him know I love him, but the answer is still no. Other times I have to put him in his bed and I don't get him out until he is done. i still help him in that, encouraging him that we are not allowed to scream and he cannot get out until he stops. and then when he gets out he cannot fit about the situation anymore. something I have done with my other children and have even done with my ds over the past 6 months, is making him sit indian style with his hands in his lap for a certain amount of time before he can get up to go play after a fit. Because sometimes he is done crying, but as soon as I get him up from his bed he starts crying about the same thing. For my ds2.5, I may have him sit for 1-2 minutes with his hands in his lap. these are simple instructions and can be easily followed, but it is amazing how hard it is for the child that just wants his own way. For me when my children are struggling with doing what I say, I have them do this to help them succeed at obeying me for that moment; therefore, I think it encourages them that they can do what I ask. But it also shows me their willingness to obey. When my oldest, who is very strong willed, was about 6 and we first started this, it took a long time for her to first accomplish this. She had tears in her eyes. I asked her why she was crying. She said that it was so hard to do something that she didn't want to do! I thought that was sooo telling of her heart. Yet this simple exercise helped her every time and I can see it in my ds2.5 now too. Sometimes he gets so worked up in screaming for what he wants, he can't seem to do anything I ask him to do. when I see that struggle in him, I tell him to sit with his hands in his lap until my timer goes off. I even help him get in "position". sometimes he does it quickly, other times it takes much longer, but almost always after, I can see a change of heart.
Most of all, God truly knows your child's heart. He promises to give wisdom when we ask. I have seen God prove this daily in my struggle with my strong willed children! It is truly amazing to see them grow and mature and stand for what they believe amongst their friends. That strong-will will serve a great purpose one day. They just really do have to learn to submit to authority.
As far as submitting to authority, one of the other rules in our house is that you may ask the "why" question, but first you have to obey, then you can ask if you can ask why. It is a great question. sometimes it requires an answer, other times they just need to trust. I will say with my youngers I don't even go there though until they can obey and just trust. Later, away from the situation, I may tell them why, but I typically don't let them ask. I have found that this will not stifle a strong willed child. A strong-willed child will continue to want to ask anyway!
God be with you!

[flydena]

I'm enjoying this post as I have 2 that are definitely strong willed and 1 that is learning from the other 2. I've read a ton of books, and still struggle. One of mine is now almost 14 and sometimes I feel it is too late for him. He is bigger than me now, and really is "in control" as I don't know what to do with him. He is very disrespectful, and the only thing that works (temporarily) is to take away all the things he likes. But, then it's almost like he gets discouraged and "quits" everything because he says it doesn't matter anyway. He even "quits" school because if he's already lost all his privileges he sees no need to do it....it won't get him anything in return. Though, I wonder if this is just another way to manipulate the situation to get his way. Sigh. I know a huge part of the problem in the past was that my husband and I did not agree on parenting, discipline, etc. which my son saw right through. Our marriage went through a great time of difficulty because of it as well. Thankfully, we got through that with much prayer and counseling on my part. Now we agree about most everything and if we don't we discuss it privately so the kids do not know. But, now that my son is almost 14 he's learned terrible habits and is extremely negative, lazy, and disrespectful. I try to encourage him, give rewards, etc, but he doesn't seem to care about the importance of respect and education. Sad part is, this is our first year of HOD, and he will be in high school next year, so these attitudes need to change sooner rather than later. He placed in RtR for this year, which is challenging for him, but he is very capable of the work, though he tries to get by with the bare minimum. And, this week, he has pretty much refused to do much of any work. So, I took away all the things that were distracting him or taking him away from it....drumsticks so he cannot play the drums, guitar, and mp3 player. He will also not be going to Christmas parties that are scheduled tomorrow if he doesn't get his act together. However, this has just caused him to get creative with NOTHING. Now he is just playing hide and seek with his siblings and making a hide out of nothing but the couches (as they are out from the wall a bit as to not damage the walls). UGH! And, I've asked the Lord many times WHY I was the one to get the strong willed children when my brother was the strong willed child, not me, and his kids are very compliant....even though they haven't been active in church much of their lives. My mom says it's because the Lord knows I can handle it better than my brother could, as I'm more patient. Hmmm, interesting thought. I definitely have had to LEARN some patience in this process, but I still feel completely out of control sometimes. My son has become an expert at pushing my buttons. I love the posts though, and hope that we can encourage one another and know that each of us are not alone in this.

[Heidi in AK]

This post is timely, and I agree, Dena, that if we can encourage each other in our struggles parenting children God wired as strong-willed, then we will all be better off.

I like what "blessedmom" said about asking if the kids can ask "why" only after they obey. That's great. It doesn't invalidate the child, but still reminds them to be obedient (as we all have to be). I just pray to figure all this out sometime during this lifetime.

As my sister used to say about her strong-willed son, either he'll grow up to be President, or he'll end up throwing a coup in a jail somewhere. Sometimes I really struggle because I feel that way about my DD. God loves her, and I'm just praying for wisdom to raise her as He intends. Not feeling very successful right at the moment.

[LovingJesus]

OK! Since we are on this topic, I would like to ask what to do with a strong-willed 1 year old. I am not exaggerating. The 'foster' child we have is VERY strong-willed. She just turned 1 in October and I have known this for months. She is a very bright little girl and she lets us know when something doesn't suit her. Some examples: She's a climber, and when gotten off of something to keep her from getting hurt, she often throws herself and screams because she isn't allowed to do as she wants. She knows where the snack drawer is, and just this morning, I told her 'no' when she opened it and wanted to get something out. She held on for dear life (she's VERY strong) and screamed because I wouldn't let her have what she wanted. Just a few examples. I never had this with any of our biological or adopted children. It's very difficult to know how to handle it sometimes.

At age 1 I used to do time-outs in the pack and play. With my current 2 year old though I use her room. I remember one time with our first one year old using the rocking chair. Now comes the challenging part. My compliant dd will come out of a time-out with changed behavior. My 3 strong willed children will come out of a time-out and try again. This was especially true (less true now for the older boys) when they were 1 & 2. My current two year old will definitely try again; like the boys did as toddler. The biggest challenge is sticking with it. It isn't a time-out and you are done. It is a time-out, watching them try the EXACT same behavior again, and another time-out, then REPEAT until they stop. The challenge is how very long this can take. I can remember giving my oldest 20 time-outs before he stopped pulling the cats tail. I can remember 10 time-outs one morning and calling a friend out of exhaustion when it was done (I had a second baby by then). My current two year old can easily have 5 - 6 time-outs for hair pulling before she stops. Unfortunately, this one seems to be taking longer and is daily. It does work though. It took 3 weeks of consistent time outs in her room for my current two year old (10 - 15 times a day) before she stopped screaming at me. We do use spankings too, but the problem with strong willed children is they can add up much too quickly so I prefer time-outs for many offenses. I hope this helps. Another thing that might help is if you can find one of the strong willed programs by Dr. Dobson on the Focus on the Family web-site in their archives. I remember one where a mom had to sleep in the doorway of a pair of twins for safety reasons for the toddler years. The midnight antics were unbelievable and showed where a strong will can go in a toddler. Our focus has been to try and catch them in the early years. My boys still have strong wills, but they are much more manageable than the testing they did as toddlers. Although some of the testing in the older at age 6 and the second boy at age 3 was really really hard. Be consistent, and really try to EARN respect and authority while they are young. With compliant children we get their respect, with strong willed kids we EARN IT the hard way.